The usual Total Fail

Imagine this being done with software that runs motor vehicles, air traffic control, medical devices and weapons systems. ... We are sorry, Mrs. China, that we bombed half your country back into the stone-age. It was a licensing issue. This was corrected in version version 8.1 of Windows Atomic Maintenance, Bombs And Munitions (WAM, BAM), thank you ma'am. Sadly, the delivery of the new system was delayed due to a tragic plane crash. As a work-around, we suggest you move your remaining population to a new country. Hopefully, so you can take care of the survivors, you have managed to get the latest patches for MS MedSystem, despite the recent spate of Truck crashes affecting delivery. We are in a transition period as drivers learn to adapt to the new and improved Feature Options and Driver Interface Enhancements (FO & DIE).

Malcontents will always complain, but we think most users will be *delighted* that we have switched the brake and the gas pedals.

Some drivers just can't get the new changes into their heads. They may be using MS Hardware Enhanced Access Device (HEAD)(TM) version 2.1, which is no longer supported. They need to upgrade to MS HEAD 3.1, Noggin Edition**. [**Speech, hearing, sight, memory and motor movement licensed separately; Multi-tasking only supported in Professional and Enterprise editions; Walking and Gum chewing in Enterprise Edition only.] Some customers say that if they have to pay for the features, then Microsoft can just give them HEAD. Microsoft is considering handing you your HEAD.

Don't forget that the new licensing model requires valid MS Brain Access Learning Licenses (BALLs), version 2012 or higher.

Activating the newly placed brake pedal requires you to log-in as Administrator, enter your BALL System Activation Key (SAK) and re-run Windows Activation New Key Extra Review (acronym and name pending). Each driver and passenger must have BALLs. As you know, Microsoft has BALLs. Just remember our catchy slogan: "Microsoft has your BALLs". Bonus:Remote Administrators get a BALL SAK with two BALLs.

If you don't want to enter passenger keys for each passenger, you can pay a little extra for a Multi-Access User Licence (MAUL). You can get them directly from Microsoft. Contact support at Microsoft; they will MAUL your BALLs.

If you really want to get with the program, join the Ballmer Intern/Trainee and Helper Program (BITHP). It is not very expensive. You can finance with Microsoft Finance (TM) and after a few years and some challenging Certification exams, you will be become a Ballmer Intern Trainee Certified Helper (BITCH). After graduation, you will be not only an MS BITCH, but Steve Ballmer's personal BITCH.

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Prior to seeing the article on Windows 8, I had installed and spent some time with Windows 8. It is a disaster. I will not be fighting my way past that ridiculous start screen and the capricious, arbitrary and fantastically irritating UI changes. Will they be an improvement if I shut down for a few weeks and try to train away 30 years of reflex arcs? Who cares? I have better things to do with my time.

I already use Linux for most of my servers. If Metro is the future at Microsoft, then I am going to switch to Linux for the Desktops and for the remaining servers as well.