back to article Florida lag packs prison survival kit up jacksie

A Florida lag was last week relieved of the substantial prison surival kit he attempted to smuggle into Sarasota County jail in the time-honoured manner - packed in a condom up his jacksie. Police mugshot of Neil Lansing On Friday, homeless Neil Lansing, 33, was hauled before a judge on an unspecified charge, and promptly …

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  1. jake Silver badge

    Note to fellow Yanks:

    The "jacksie" is the organ that politicians and lawyers talk out of.

    1. Doug Glass
      Go

      Gotcha

      Akin to union Jack then?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Appaling

      Clarkson takes the piss of the Mexican, Brits laugh. Mexicans complain, the same Brits say that these Mexicans have no sense of humour and need to get a life.

      Jake bashes the Yanks, 3 thumbs up, presumably from the same people again?

      Doug offers the Brits a backlash and gets 5 thumbs down, presumably yet again by the same people?

      Proves that the people who keep on laughing at others expenses and find it perfectly fine "because it's just a joke" only find it funny when it hits others.

      Nice display of narrow minded intolerance, very impressive.

      1. jake Silver badge

        "Bashing Yanks"? Moi?

        Re-read mine, friend ... Rumor has it that I am a Yank who has spent a lot of time in Blighty, and was just providing a cross-the-pond translation service. For free, even.

        Kids these days. No je ne sais quoi ...

  2. Sekundra
    Paris Hilton

    Refund?

    Well he did keep the receipt...

    Paris because she's done time ;)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Boffin

      "Well he did keep the receipt..."

      For tax purposes. He wouldn't wanna get busted by the IRS and end up in prison ;)

  3. MountfordD

    Rubber vs eraser

    "...one empty syringe with an eraser over the needle..."

    I see you have catered for our American readers in using 'eraser' rather than 'rubber'. I suppose he could have included a condom within a condom - probably a very useful item in view of where he was going.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Rubber in rubber

      "I suppose he could have included a condom within a condom"

      If you re-read the article - he did.

  4. DrXym

    Important question

    Did it contain a pack of fudge?

  5. EddieD

    Round blue pills...

    Lots and lots of things....

    http://www.drugs.com/imprints.php?action=search&imprint=&color=1&shape=24

    Valium or Ambien would be my guess.

    1. Bill Neal
      Thumb Up

      opiates

      The blue opiates hydrocone & roxicodone are very popular in this area. They come in (american) football & round shapes respectively.

    2. jake Silver badge

      Round & blue ...

      Probably those toilet tank leak detecting dye tabs[1] ... Florida is in the middle of a drought you know, and every little bit helps!

      [1] "Prueba para ver si el tanque de la taza bafio tiene fugas de aqua", for my friends in Miami ;-)

  6. Scott Broukell
    Coat

    or ...

    traveling light ... a novel way to put a hole in budget airline baggage charges, oh wait !

  7. ilikejam
    IT Angle

    That's a lot of stuff

    More a 'Chatham holdall' than a 'Chatham pocket'.

  8. Rich 30

    needle

    in a rubber or not, i'd never, ever stick a needle up my bum.

  9. GougedEye

    Pointy bits

    "...one empty syringe with an eraser over the needle..."

    Braver man than me. No needle is going up my jacksie under any imaginable circumstances. Eraser tipped or not.

  10. disgruntled yank

    damn

    They don't pay the deputies enough.

  11. Roger Kynaston
    Coffee/keyboard

    Keyboard owed!

    Good stuff for a crap Friday.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    A syringe with a rubber on the end?

    I wonder what he got caught for, and how he got caught - to end up going to jail in the first place?

    Was it, "Hey Bank Robber - can you put these hand cuffs on, while I open the door for you"?.

    Dickhead.

  13. Robert E A Harvey
    IT Angle

    Be Prepared

    I imagine he was merely using whatever came to hand to perform stretching exercises. Its best to be prepared.

  14. James 85

    New Unit of Cubic Capacity

    To add to the other measures mentioned elsewhere, you now need to introduce a measure called the Fully Dilated Convict Rectum (FDCR). Perhaps this could expressed in Elephants, such as 1 FDCR = 17 micro Elephants or 1 Elephant = 58.8 Kilo FDCRs. Now express it in Firkins.

    1. Scott Broukell
      Boffin

      measured title

      is a metric Firkin is a Mirkin ?

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. M.B.

      The real question is,,,,,,

      How many FDCR's are there to one Wales?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        FAIL

        "How many FDCR's are there to one Wales?"

        This was either a unit fail.

        As it's like asking, "How many pints are in an acre"

        Or a humour fail.

        Because all the really big assholes live in England.

        1. Elmer Phud

          Wrong country

          It's actually 'how many FDCR's in Blackburn, Lancashire'.

    4. Suburban Inmate
      Black Helicopters

      Surely...

      FDCR is equal to 0.37 metric goatse guys?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Phew

    For a second there I misread jacksie as the hose hole.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    WTF?

    Lip balm and a condom? Was this his entertainment pack or survival kit?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      no

      he just wanted to blow the condom up and make balloon animals for the other inmates.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

    Yo dawg so I heard that you liked Rubbers, so we put a Rubber in your Rubber, so you can rub while it rubs...

  18. AdamW
    IT Angle

    What is

    The IT angle?

    1. nsld
      Coat

      the it angle

      He had an iPhone shoved up there as well, seemed to improve the reception no end.

    2. LinkOfHyrule
      Happy

      title goes here

      I was just reading an article about Apple fucking over Last.fm thinking "where's the prison survival kit stuffed up the jacksie angle". Deal with it!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      Duh

      I assume the "unrelated charge" was illegally distributing pirated movies via the Internet.

      Or, alternatively, it's Friday and you are reading the Bootnotes section of the website.

      Thumbs up, because I assume that's how this story began.

    4. Clockworkseer
      Coat

      the angle is...

      about 60 or 70 degrees, to get all that up there...

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "What is The IT angle?"

      condom up the ass is also a good way to steal ethernet cable.

      There.

  19. mhoulden

    Ring of fire

    It would be a brave man to smoke the cigarette once it had been removed, assuming it still lit.

  20. bexley

    useless items

    I can kind of understand him stuffing the pills up there but what was the other stuff for, surely he could get all that inside if need be.

    Quite how he managed to sit down or walk around with a needle up his arse beggars belief.

    Mind you, i have seen an x-ray of a vicar with a can of coke stuck up his arse.

  21. Mos Eisley Spaceport
    WTF?

    Prisoner's Purse

    Ouch!

  22. Graham Bartlett
    Badgers

    Not new

    Anyone here ever read Papillon? Henri Charriere said he had a machined egg-sized metal container up his arse for most of his stay, where he kept a stash of cash. And when one prisoner was about to be searched, he handed another of the same to Charriere for safekeeping, so there were two of these things up there. Good job they didn't feed the convicts that well, really, bcos any significant throughput would have been a problem.

    Badgers because they know a thing or two about holes. (And Paris is too obvious a choice.)

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