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back to article Ikea forecasts fluffy, fully teched kitchen of the future

Thirty years from now, your kitchen will be "almost alive" and "respond actively" to your culinary needs "like only a mother could". That's the fearsome prediction made today by that noted purveyor of plywood, Ikea, in the latest press release to make its contribution to the Silly Season in the hope of drumming up some column …

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  1. Richard Cartledge
    Thumb Down

    M$

    Sounds like something M$ would dream up. Something nobody wants and is expensive. Like the LCD coffee table for meetings where you virtually slide stubborn jpegs around the table. Yawn.

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  2. Jon Press
    Headmaster

    Plywood?

    Do you know how expensive plywood is?

    IKEA flatpacks and, presumably, Intuitiv flapjacks, are mostly made of "particleboard".

    Jimmy Edwards because the phrase "you can't get the wood, you know" dates to approximately his era. Although Paris could probably help.

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  3. Code Monkey

    My idea of hell

    "Are you sure you should be baking another pie, Mr Code Monkey, sir?"

    /me smashes the damned kitchen with hammers

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They're still going to sell meatballs though, right?

    And does the 'Splǿrj' Munce dispenser come in Birch or Oak veneer?

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  5. Tim #3

    Hmmm

    Though I can live without the hologram chef, it would be very useful to have a bit of software that can suggest recipes from the available items. Unless someone knows a site that'll do that already?

    The other useful feature they could add to any kitchen is a self cleaning one, some kind of roomba that cleans cookers, floors, worktops, fridges & everywhere else.

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    1. Dr. Mouse
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Yep Yep Yep

      "The other useful feature they could add to any kitchen is a self cleaning one, some kind of roomba that cleans cookers, floors, worktops, fridges & everywhere else."

      Cooking=Fun. Cleaning up after cooking, not so much. Looking at the cooker a week after it was last cleaned, covered in oil, bits of foor etc, rather unpleasant.

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    2. Goat Jam
      Reply Icon
      Big Brother

      Teh intertubes is all knowing

      www.myfridgefood.com

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      1. Tim #3
        Reply Icon
        Pint

        Excellent

        Many thanks for that, I've been looking for something like it for ages. .

        It doesn't that disadvantaged by not having a hologram interface either.

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  6. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    "...noted purveyor of plywood...."

    Crikey! Been shopping at the smart end of the store have we?

    "Foil coated particleboard" is the more usual fare or chipboard at the really cheap end.

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  7. Elmer Phud

    Proper Kitchen

    A proper auto-kitchen will indeed detect that I'd had a great night previously and offer up that gem of a breakfast - cold pizza.

    It would also know that, at times, I require merely light snacks like Mars bars, Sesame Snaps, mugs of tea . . .

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  8. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Purveyor of plywood

    Purveyer of partical board more like (chipboard to you and me).

    Anyway I don't want my kitchen to respond to my culinary needs, I want it to clean itself.

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  9. Pavlovs well trained dog
    Pint

    I'm seeing..

    the human cast of Wall-e (that oh-so-shitty-piece-of-shit-spew)

    but instead of in space they're in Britain

    and instead of 'Murkan accents they have sarf lundin ones

    man, it's not a pretty thought

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  10. John Dougald McCallum
    FAIL

    Coputerised Kitchen

    Didn't one of the big '80s computer corps(e) try that idea

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  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Respond like only a mother could"

    No more wanking in the kitchen then.

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  12. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Assumes you assembled it correctly

    Or you'll end up with your knickers int he microwave, the washing up in the fridge and your ready-meal in the dish washer.

    (actually, that sounds a lot like our place after a party - never did find out who's knickers they were)

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  13. xj25vm

    Maintenance

    Oh yes, what a delightful thing. A kitchen full of uber-complicated gadgets, software, appliances, processors etc. etc. Plenty of people can barely cope psychologically with their car or computer being defective -having to wait for it to be fixed and having to foot the bill. How wonderful it will be when everything in the house will go nuts, the wrong food will be served (and suggested), the lights will be stuck on the wrong mood, the hologram chef will keep on talking bonkers or go round like a scratched vinyl disc.. All this while waiting for the appointment with the fancy engineer to come and reboot the system, apply a new firmware, run an antivirus check, find that out-of-production spare part. Well, you get my drift - I think I will be happy to lay on my sofa and have some rest after a day of stress in work, thank you.

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  14. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
    WTF?

    Structural cohesion alert

    Can this smart kitchen sense shelf weight, temperature, and humidity to accurately predict when broken particle board and dish fragments will be on my floor?

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