Good morning Mr. Rist.
DOE:
"Good morning Mr. Rist, can I get your first name please?"
TIROR:
"Yes, my name is Tiror."
DOE:
"welcome to the DoE offices, this is just a short meeting to check your suitability, now please... don't mind the men attaching electrodes do your head, or the heavily armed men ready to take you to Guantanamo bay if you should fail this test.."
<short pause>
DOE:
"Are you ready?"
TIROR:
"Yes"
DOE:
"I understand you have a PhD in nuclear engineering, which University was that from please?"
TIROR:
"My degree from The Qaeda Valley university, very good, we do many practical experiments. Excellent mail order degree. Register today get free caesium."
DOE:
"Excellent, and how long did you study there?"
TIROR:
"4 year, many field trips to Pakistan. Much fun."
DOE:
"Good Good. Now, sorry I have to ask you these but its just because of the job you understand... Have you ever wished to harm Americans?"
TIROR:
<pause and frown> No.
DOE:
<looks at polygraph> "Mr Rist?"
TIROR:
"Well, yes. But who hasn’t? Ha Ha! Some people so rude I want to just cut off their heads, you know? Traffic awful, guy crashed into my car on the interstate, I punched him right in the face, just like that. Ha Ha!"
DOE:
"Yes well, truthfully we all want to do that every now and then. Now, could you tell me if you have any links with terrorism"
TIROR:
"Oh yes. Many. My landlord, big terrorist, always shouting to scare young children. He should be locked up"
DOE:
"So you are not tied to Bin Laden in any way?"
TIROR:
"Tied? No no. I tied to your machine, you see? But Bin Laden, no, he very far away".
DOE:
"Finally, Id just like to ask you about your religious background. Could you tell me a little about it please?"
TIROR:
"Oh yas. I love peace. Peace is very good, we should thank God for it. God is great. God is great."
DOE:
"Excuse me?"
TIROR:
"Oh sorry, Ha Ha! I am Christian, but I sing no good so no gospel for me. But I say God is Great!"
DOE:
"Okay thats excellent then, well, this polygraph has shown no problems so here is your Level 5 access codes to the reactor core, and your keys to the waste storage room"
TIROR:
"Thankyou. Thankyou so much. I look most forward to working here. Ha Ha!"
DOE:
"Always good to have another peace loving American".
.....
.....
DOE:
"Thanks for coming. Now if the guards will kindly take Mr. Tiror Rist down the hall to fill out the paperwork we shall look forward to seeing you at work first thing Monday"
TIROR:
"God is Great!"