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back to article Daily Mail hacks get emergency bird flu jabs

There's some good news today for those of you concerned that as the impending bird flu pandemic apocalypse sweeps the UK - decimating the population in scenes of horror not witnessed since the last visitation of the Black Death - you might not be able to expend your dying breath expressing your anger that swan-roasting Albanian …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    There's hope...

    ...that all that booze the Daily Mail hacks drink will react with the vaccine and remove a useless group of t**ts from society!

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  2. Bumhug
    Pirate

    What a horrible world it would be

    Imagine a world wiped out by bird flu, the only survivors are Daily Mail staff. Surely they would need to vacinate a some ethnic minorities and peados so they would have something to talk about?

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  3. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Thank God for that

    I wonder if the "Pandemic Influenza Management Scheme" is administering Tamiflu based on scientific advise or as part of the on going press feeding frenzy of finding new ways to create eye catching headlines about the non existent threat of a possible influenza pandemic.

    I for one will be viewing the chickens at the bottom of my garden with the same suspicion I reserve for the house proud foreigners living in my shed.

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  4. James
    Joke

    Dail Mail

    The Pillar of all that is good in society...

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  5. James

    I thought there was...

    .. a flu vaccine under development that could be applied to all flu strains (inc. Bird flu). Seem to remember a BBC report about this in the past couple of weeks.

    Good book to read: "Scared to Death" by Christopher Booker (Author), Richard North (Author).

    Puts all this Media / Politico self-interested scaremongering into perspective.

    Shows the massive amount of money, energy and resources that have been and are being wasted on stupid scares caused by a minority of idiots on very flimsy or inaccurate data (if not complete lies).

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  6. Bad Beaver
    Paris Hilton

    need clarification

    So, if I walk the streets of London, unshaven, with a live chicken in my hands, do I have to expect to get six in the head from behind?

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  7. drunk.smile

    Daily Mail

    I thought that cockroaches could survive just about anything.

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  8. Mark

    Pfft. Why worry?

    Unless they are birds, they can't get infected by *BIRD* flu, can they?

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  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fantastic news!

    With this sort of antiviral protection, journos at the Mail will be able to report on collapsing house prices and engage in a monarchic mournathon right up to the moment of the death rattle of human civilisation.

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  10. Anonymous John

    I can see the Mail headlines now

    Bird flu deaths reach 30 million. House prices expected to slump.

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  11. Chris Richards
    Coat

    PIMS?

    Here's hoping they're 'accidentally' injected with an active strain (then taken to the Sun office and locked in with them). They could webcast it - I'd pay to watch that's for sure!

    Mine's the one with the hyperdermics in the pocket.

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  12. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Pandemic Influenza Management Scheme?

    I make that PIMS o'clock!

    It's OK, I'm getting my coat...

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  13. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Whimsy...

    Initially, I thought that the "Pandemic Influenza Management Scheme" would be a type of upper-class drink...

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  14. Simon C

    Well I suppose its a good thing

    Well if the Mails 'journos' believe the sensationalist claptrap that comes from between the white paper sheets, then it must be true.

    Good on them for protecting against an relatively unknown threat.

    Now all we need is for them to migrate to other countries in response to this country being overrun, but immigrants, paedophiles, murderers, rapists.

    But alas they wont, because Diana's grave is here. (Russell Howard paraphrase)

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  15. Colin Morris
    Stop

    .. from a Daily Mail comment section near you....

    Typikal... all these flu pandemiks comin over here takin our jobs... and our lives.

    Vis bird flu is turning vis country into Britain-istan.

    I blame scottish NuLabor.

    I cant wait to emigrate to Spain... and not learn the lingo or mix wiv the locals! Dis county is going to the dogs!!!!

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  16. Gianni Straniero
    Coat

    Choices, choices.

    "Scientists believe that a flu pandemic is inevitable. It could result in large-scale illness and fatality. It would also lead to significant and sustained disruption to our businesses."

    On balance, it's probably worth it.

    Mine's the down-lined one with Kleenex in the pockets.

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  17. Thomas
    Unhappy

    Concerned about Daily Fail hacks....

    I really worry about these guys sometimes. They write the most depressing and despairing stories day in, day out. Have you thoughtless swine ever given any thought to how hard their lives must be?

    "Well, first of all I wrote about paedos running rampant, then about the collapse of financial stability and I still need to finish the global warming and the "Fruit gives you cancer" stories. Oh, and can you send the cynaide my way once you're finished with it, or shall I retrieve it from your corpse?"

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  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    bonus

    this is just the thing all the greenfags need. Kill off a good 25% of the western population and we'll be bang on for meeting their targets. Nothing like depopulation to solve an energy crisis.

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  19. Nemo Metis

    Imagine..

    if the Fail is right for once and we all get killed by this flu. What would they have to write about? would they still spoout the same old twaddle, and if so, would they realise they were talking shit about themselves?

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  20. Vincent Curry

    Wouldn't the scheme be better named as...

    the Pandemic Influenza Safety Scheme?

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  21. John Macintyre

    disruption indeed

    "It would also lead to significant and sustained disruption to our businesses"

    kinda like the soon to happen collapse of most of the major world banks, you'll have mass suicide of people who've lost everything, better than any flu pandemic would do. the 21st century virus - Shares.

    yeah it ain't funny, go be ill on some other chick(en)

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  22. Scott

    @Bad Beaver

    Think he was shot in the face 6 times while an officer held him down? BUT he looked like a terrorist so all's well.

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  23. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Resistance

    You know how bacteria get resistance to Antibiotics, right? Well viruses can gain resistance to antivirals by the same mechanic. Tamiflu is already useless against several strains of human 'flu, due to unsupervised, unnecessary and badly managed private use of non-prescription Tamiflu in south east Asia, which is where Bird Flu will cross the species divide, if it does it anywhere, so the strain that reaches us will be well used to sticking the vees up at good old Tamiflu, whether it's Daily Fail-provided, or sourced from the stocks the government panic bought a couple of years ago.

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  24. Alan Esworthy
    Coat

    ITYM

    "Pandemic Influenza Management Plan".

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  25. Rabbi

    Is this ANYTHING to do with BIRD flu?!

    Am I the only one who's noticed?

    Lester doesn't give a link for the original article. But nothing he quotes from it says anything about BIRD flu.

    Whether or not there is a real risk of a HUMAN influenza pandemic right now, I couldn't say. If The Daily Mail think there is, they might well get their people Tamiflu shots.

    The NHS routinely offer flu jabs to vulnerable groups every winter, yet I don't recall this triggering a spate of hysteria about bird flu.

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  26. Pete Silver badge

    good - but personally, I want an ANTI bird-flu jab

    And if they do succumb to the bird flu they were injected with, would anyone care?

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  27. Derek Fairley
    Coat

    ouch

    ... wonder if I could watch Daily Heil staffers having those 75mg Tamiflu capsules injected? That's gotta hurt.

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  28. Chris G

    H5N1 = Bird flu

    So Lewis did mention it. Any way , whichever flu strain it is, I hope is has mutated to the point where it can live happily on the vaccine in the case of the Dreary Mail hacks.The last time I looked at a copy, it seemed to have been written for soap watching, big brother hopeful teens whose only other aspirations in life are to win the lottery and be famous(ly drunk). A sad paper which with a little luck could come to a sad end.

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  29. Anonymous John
    Joke

    @ Is this ANYTHING to do with BIRD flu?!

    http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=1&storycode=42096&c=1

    I'm not worried about bird flu. I'm a bloke.

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  30. Alan Fisher
    Linux

    News just in....

    Al-Queda Osama bin Chickens are sneaking across our borders disguised as pigeons!! One of them was seem wiping it's beak with a kleenex and smelled supiciously of lemons....

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  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Infectious

    It seems that prolonged exposure to tabloid hysterics can be infectious.

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  32. Law
    Thumb Up

    lol @

    "and those who actually have close friends and/or family who still talk to them can buy Tamiflu to protect their chums and loved ones"

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