back to article Space crap: Flap, zap or strap? $30k from NASA for your pooper scooper

Time is ticking away if you want to enter NASA's competition for the public to suggest an astronaut ablution solution. While the PR team must be delighted with their title of "Space Poop Challenge" the more officious procurement language of the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration is even sweeter: NASA seeks …

  1. Sureo
    Coat

    Taking nourishment in liquid form would solve one of the three problems, perhaps the most unpleasant one.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Add a laxative and you'd just need suction. It's also multi-function as you'd use more laxative if anyone has a cough (they wouldn't dare cough then). In with the incoming president you already have a name for the collected, er, "extract" too: a Trump think tank.

      There we go, sorted. Any other problems I can help with? I'll take my mega million dollar funding in advance, thanks.

    2. Jan 0 Silver badge
      Boffin

      Shit happens: It would only delay the problem.

      If all your nourishment is liquid you will still defaecate, at a lower rate, to eliminate dead cells from your intestine and bile. That would still be true even if all your food and water intake was intravenous.

      Nonetheless, your suggestion might make an anal pl^H^Htampon viable for 6 days.

  2. Pen-y-gors

    Complicated problem...

    I'm wondering if there's any mileage in a system that makes use of the close proximity of a hard vacuum to assist in freeze/vaccum drying the unwanted material?

    Humans are really not well designed for space travel, are we? Can we use CRISPR to genetically modify astronauts to have a larger bowel and 5-gallon bladder?

    1. Fink-Nottle

      Re: Complicated problem...

      > Humans are really not well designed for space travel, are we?

      We just have incomparable ports ...

      If I was in charge, I'd require spacefarers to undergo surgery to fit fitting a couple well designed stoma that can connect to a standardised waste disposal / recycling system.

      1. Runilwzlb

        Re: Complicated problem...

        I was just about post the same idea, but you beat me to it.

        p.s. Hows Wooster? And Boko?

        1. Fink-Nottle

          Re: Complicated problem...

          // Hows Wooster?

          Bertie informs me that no gentlemen worth his s. would consider his morning ablutions complete until his man produced a cup of soothing Oolong.

      2. Sleep deprived

        Re: Complicated problem...

        I expect Dyson to enter the challenge.

        1. Mark 85

          Re: Complicated problem...

          I expect Dyson to enter the challenge.

          Ah, putting a spin on things I see.

    2. DropBear
      Gimp

      Re: Complicated problem...

      Hold on, I think I saw a couple of off-the shelf parts that might be useful here... *takes off towards the nearest fetish sex-shop*

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Just put a cork in it...

    See title...

  4. Arthur the cat Silver badge

    Traditional Glastonbury solution

    Eat vast numbers of hard boiled eggs, and hold it in until back home afterwards, thus avoiding the notorious pit latrines.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Traditional Glastonbury solution

      That would need some corkscrews along for extraction..

      1. InfiniteApathy

        Re: Traditional Glastonbury solution

        Work it out like a math teacher. Use a pencil.

        1. You aint sin me, roit
          Coat

          Re: Traditional Glastonbury solution

          With all those eggs, the inevitable gaseous ejections might make one as popular as a fart in a spaceship...

          (Mine's the one with the integrated arse flap)

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Traditional Glastonbury solution

            With all those eggs, the inevitable gaseous ejections might make one as popular as a fart in a spaceship...

            Actually, that's a possible alternative solution - cuts down on the amount of fuel they have to take for propulsion.

        2. agurney
          Coat

          Re: Traditional Glastonbury solution

          or like the constipated Chancellor of the Exchequer [couldn't budget]

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Pint

      Re: Traditional Glastonbury solution

      Traditional Glastonbury solution

      Please accept my rarely awarded "Laugh out loud of the week" award. I'm just glad I didn't read this at work, in my very staid and dull workplace.

  5. Duffy Moon

    Simple solution

    A flap at the back.

    Seriously though, disposing of six days worth of shit is going to be a challenge, without some kind of double-balloon catheter system.

    Mind you, I once had a girlfriend who only had one BM a week. It had to be cut up with a knife before it would flush. They just need to find others with similar bowels.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Re: Simple solution

      disposing of six days worth of shit is going to be a challenge

      Well you could use 6 days worth of Trump speeches to experiment on!

      Excuse me, gotta rush ......

    2. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Unhappy

      "Mind you, I once had a girlfriend who only had one BM a week. I"

      And I bet it hurt quite a bit as well.

      Usually a sign of serious under hydration, often coupled with a high caffeine intake.

      They have enough selection criteria for astronauts as it is.

    3. ArrZarr Silver badge

      Re: Simple solution

      Use the vacuum of space to your advantage - just have a flap at the back and an airtight region around the crotch. Might be somewhat painful but it'll mean you won't need to wipe your ass.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Simple solution

        Ouch! It'll shoot out at a rapid rate all right. Closely followed by your bowels, colon and intestines.

    4. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Simple solution

      "I once had a girlfriend who only had one BM a week. It had to be cut up with a knife before it would flush"

      thanks. I need brain bleach, now.

  6. 's water music
    Coffee/keyboard

    three shells

    If I'm honest there are still a few details I haven't fully worked out.

    icon for part of my test lab-->

  7. Haku

    I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

    Did they just teleport the waste out of you?

    1. magickmark

      Re: I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

      Adds a whole new meaning to the opening line "To boldly go where no man has gone before!"

      1. Haku

        Re: I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

        I secretly think Star Trek was all about the captain's bowel movement diary, why else would episodes often start out with "Captains log, stardate...."

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

        Adds a whole new meaning to the opening line "To boldly go where no man has gone before!"

        Perhaps not in this age of experimentation and diversity......

    2. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

      "Did they just teleport the waste out of you?"

      The way they handled it on the Lexx was a bit more practical [and you didn't need toilet paper]

    3. cray74

      Re: I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

      Did they just teleport the waste out of you?

      According to the not-so-canon Star Trek Technical Manual, transporter technology was involved. It re-patterned waste material as feedstock for other systems, like those that produce a cuppa Earl Gray for captains. This led to the Star Fleet saying, "Flush twice, it's a long way to the kitchen."

  8. Zebo-the-Fat

    60 minutes??

    "less than 60 minutes" to get into a suit if there is a sudden depressurisation?

    I would have thought 60 seconds would be more suitable, or dose NASA have a different meaning for the word "sudden"?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 60 minutes??

      Getting into a modern space suit is a lot more complicated than putting a coat on. Modern suits work on a lowered atmospheric pressure (with enhanced oxygen levels to make sure that the O2 partial pressure is maintained), so an astronaut has to pre-breath oxygen for a while to flush out the nitrogen that is disolved in his/her bloodstream. Failing to do this correctly is asking for a sift dose of the "bends"; ask any deep-sea diver how much fun that is.

      1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
        Unhappy

        "Modern suits work on a lowered atmospheric pressure ("

        A System that NASA have used for decades and seems harmless until something happens and the whole crew die because they can't waste all that time p**sing about with pre-breathing O2.

        Still have trouble believing they could have devised such a stupid system.

        It's not it's got to be backward compatible with Mercury/Gemini/Apollo or even Shuttle.

  9. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    "Your solution will also need to be quick to integrate with the space suit [...] in incidents of sudden "cabin depressurization" though we don't imagine convenience would be much barrier to evacuation in such circumstances."

    I disagree. In a really grave incident you'll need the automatic pooper scooper more than ever.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Come to think about it, with some modifications this could double as an emergency propulsion system.

  10. Farnet

    desiccated underwear

    You know we all end up with 100's of those little sachets of silica gel, well mould them into a full set of undies, that'll sort it out for weeks...... may be a bit lumpy by the end though.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Am i the only one thinking Demolition Man

    3 sea shells?

    :)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      No*

      * see previous comments

  12. Ilsa Loving

    Hmm...

    I can think of a couple of ideas right off the bat, but I'm pretty sure NASA will reject them.

    I think perhaps I watch too much anime.

  13. mr.K

    Dreams

    The engineer in me will now employ vacant computation cycles in my brain to contemplate this problem. So I guess that for the foreseeable future I will think about tubes into rectum and bags of faecal matter in pointless meetings, while sitting on the bus, taking a shower and eating breakfast. And worse, before I go to sleep and therefore probably in my dreams also.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dreams

      Yep, same here. That's okay, I've spent the last week on designing a new file server and finalized it last night. "The most fatal words for an engineer: 'I have an idea!'" [L. E. Modesitt]

  14. VinceH

    Optional

    No solution to the actual problem, but the headline made me think of Macroscope, by Piers Anthony.

    The device itself was described by a (Russian?) character in the book as resembling a "Super dooper pooper scooper."

  15. Mark 85

    I have a mental image of one micro-robot manning a pump to pump the urine overboard and another micro-robot with a shovel and putting the crap in the exit port.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Nobody, and I mean it

      wants crap put back into their exit port... :)

      that idea needs more thinking through

      1. Mark 85

        Re: Nobody, and I mean it

        I blew it... I meant to type "their suit exit port".... <sigh> Beer o'clock here finally.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    E = mc 2

    Or rather mc 2 = E, and now for the design, and what should I do with the E. And PS, I had a girlfriend who had to dig it out with a tea spoon. Stopped drinking tea and took no sugar in my coffee, not kidding and now I have become a coward.

  17. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    SPB design?

    If Lester were with us, he'd be up for the challenge - A design from the Special P̶r̶o̶j̶e̶c̶t̶s̶ ̶Poo Bureau?

  18. Chozo

    Deep down I suspect the winning solution will just be bigger nappies, possibly with a hard suit.

    As predicted by the rather good anime series 'Planetes'

    http://smg.photobucket.com/user/atesh/media/DiaperMan.jpg.html

  19. gregthecanuck
    Boffin

    It seems so obvious to me

    Simply liquefy the entire interior of the suit. Swimming for 6 days? No problem. Just use a nice pool filter and some chlorine and you're "good to go".

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Should be like the old rolling towels

    Do your business, give the towel a crank to wrap the waste and bring on a fresh bit.

    Note to self - make sure material is not too scratchy !

  21. Templogin

    Fill your pants with a dung beetles, build in a warehouse for the sh*t, something along the lines of Argos. Problem solved, for the back end at least.

    Purify the urine and turn it into drinking water. Natural losses reduce the problem over time.

  22. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Windows

    How do you squat in a spacesuit?

    I'm not sure I want to even contemplate the act of taking a dump a space suit where spreading you legs and squatting is nigh on impossible if not actually impossible. I expect it's either going to be very messy with enormous skid-marks or involve a very large catheter.

    1. cray74

      Re: How do you squat in a spacesuit?

      I expect it's either going to be very messy with enormous skid-marks or involve a very large catheter.

      The former. US suits currently use space diapers, the "maximum absorbency garment."

      When the US only had a male astronaut corps a condom-like sleeve was used for urine instead of a catheter. However, it was found that the wearer tended to slip out owing to changing size over the course of a day. When women joined the astronaut corps, NASA shifted to diaper-type systems for both males and females. This simplified the system and eliminated a failure mode.

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