back to article Assange returns to Earth

Questions are being asked why no one has ever seen pallid, 11*-fingered WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and NASA ‘naut Jeff Williams in the same room at the same time, after sharp-eyed observers noted the pair's startling physical resemblance. Jeff Williams Photo credit: NASA tv. Julian Assange photo credit: Cropped pic by …

  1. Spender
    Trollface

    That's the daftest conspiracy theory I've ever heard when everybody knows that NASA is a sham, GPS and satellites are a fraud, and that it's impossible to orbit a flat earth.

    Wake up, sheeple.

    1. magickmark

      Of course you can orbit a flat earth! You just have to go under the big turtle!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Facepalm

        You just have to go under the big turtle!

        Good luck with that, everyone knows it's turtles all the way down.

        1. magickmark

          OH my GOD,, its full of Elephants!

      2. 9Rune5

        If you do orbit near the turtle, try to figure out what sex it is. Big bang theory and such.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      That's what they want you to think... And you fell for it...

    3. The First Dave

      Of course you can orbit a flat earth, you just do it in the same plane, i.e. go round and round the rim.

  2. Bob Wheeler
    Pint

    Half man, half mushroom, half leak?

    I call cabbage.

    1. Sgt_Oddball
      Coat

      Re: Half man, half mushroom, half leak?

      I was thinking more sprout...

      Mines the one with the fedora and aroma of chewed fat...

      1. Chris Miller

        Re: Half man, half mushroom, half leak?

        Half biscuit

    2. beep54
      Trollface

      Re: Half man, half mushroom, half leak?

      Does no one here know how to spell 'leek'?

      1. Andy Tunnah

        Re: Half man, half mushroom, half leak?

        thatsthejoke.jpg

  3. M7S
    Coat

    "Half leak"

    Finally the reason he's not come out is clear. TPTB hould have used carrot rather than stick, after all he does sprout policies including giving peas a chance.

  4. Alistair
    Pint

    ITT

    Paul is bored.

    Leek. Half Leek.

    Mushroom, Leek and Chicken soup.

    Dammit, now I have to go shopping so I can get cooking. Good thing is friday.

    <need fryingpan icon>

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Half man, half mushroom, half leak

    All prat.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They're easy to tell apart..

    Flick a Ferrero Rocher in the helmet and quickly close it.

    The one that starts throwing up inside the now closed helmet is Assange.

    :)

    (btw, excellent clickbait :) ).

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    :(

    You're all very cruel

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: :(

      Ah, is the Ecuadorian Internet connection up again? PlusNet, I assume?

      :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: :(

        The green box is adjacent to the embassy building. I installed next door's internet connection - a pair of FTTC + pfSense cluster. I'm under no illusion that I am the only sysadmin on those little boxes and I suspect the wifi PSK is in a db in Gloucestershire but our monitoring shows they haven't skipped a beat in over two years.

        I remember seeing rather a lot of tooled up plod in the area, hanging around in doorways. Go and have a look on your street viewing tool of choice. Find Harrods and it is across the road on the corner of Hans Crescent - the stripey building with the flags.

        1. NonSSL-Login
          Big Brother

          Re: :(

          GCHQ tap in at the next hop past the green box so they can have all the embassies traffic mirrored remotely for a longer period than their usual bulk collection system which only allows a rewind of data for a shorter time span.

          Added bonus of no guys in hi-vis jackets pretending to do roadworks outside the embassy is needed!

  8. x 7

    if the rumours about Assange's personal hygiene and resulting odours are correct, I doubt if he'd remain long on a space station before he was chucked out of the airlock

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      if the rumours about Assange's personal hygiene and resulting odours are correct, I doubt if he'd remain long on a space station before he was chucked out of the airlock

      Nah - you'd just leave him im his space suit breathing his own fumes. I've worked for years in dangerous environments, and there is one lesson you pick up very quick when you're dealing with partially recycled air: if you smell in any way, you'll be smelling it first, and most intense.

      Even simple dust masks come with that education: trainees tend to welcome a mint after their first 5 minutes in a mask, and tend to ensure they've brushed their teeth from that point onwards :).

  9. Florida1920
    Thumb Down

    Time for Assange to man up and face the charges

    Assange is abusing his public notoriety to evade charges any other man would have to face. Ecuador should toss him out on the street.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Time for Assange to man up and face the charges

      Ah, finally someone who properly takes the (click)bait. You're a bit late to the party, though :).

  10. Martin Summers Silver badge

    The policing cost to prevent his escape has been more than it would have been to (preferably) send him into space.

    1. Baldy50

      If only if he'd pop over to blighty for a visit and has a sense of humour.

      Can you imagine the cops faces if he walked into the Embassy carrying a Harods bag and dressed in a suit, turns around and waves to them as the door shuts?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Can you imagine the cops faces if he walked into the Embassy carrying a Harods bag and dressed in a suit, turns around and waves to them as the door shuts?

        With his approach to hygiene it would only take posting a cop downwind to pick up that he's trying to leave (which also makes any disguise pointless). I'm also not sure the guards at Harrods would even allow someone so hygienically challenged to enter, also since he's also somewhat short of money - the last I heard, he owes quite a few people money including a certain Manning..

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Joke

          "including a certain Manning.."

          In these days of ultra orthodox PC, shirley that should be Womanning or Personning!

  11. Bruce Ordway

    if the rumours about Assange

    I've been wondering what we can really believe now.

    In general I find it difficult to separate fact from fiction in news media.

    And he's pissed a lot of people off.

    Not that I have a lot of sympathy for Assange.

    It does seem like he brought all this attention on himself.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: if the rumours about Assange

      It does seem like he brought all this attention on himself.

      Ah, but getting ATTENTION was always the plan and intention. However, getting away with criminal activity as a thank-you for Wikileaks was never going to happen - he should not have believed his own publicity. If anything, he rather damaged the whole proposition and may now have to think about either spending time in jail or worse, actually having to work for a living (gasp!).

  12. ChaosFreak

    You have six fingers on your right hand... someone was looking for you.

    1. The March Hare

      The 6 fingered man

      Count Rugen! is that you?

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