back to article PRIMITIVE TOOLS found near MICROSOFT headquarters

Ten thousand years B.G (Before Gates), the primitive, grunting denizens of Redmond were already fashioning crude, unreliable tools, archaeologists say. According to the Seattle Times, more than 4,000 implements were unearthed during recent excavations. Tools including awls, stone flakes and spear points were recovered. The …

  1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Joke

    Good job they didn't have Power point. They'd have all died out from starvation as they wasted hours trying to get it to do anything useful.

    1. ecofeco Silver badge

      Came for this comment. Was not disappointed.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        They'd have to wait 10,000 years for the internet connection. The roast bear would be well cold by then.

        1. Turtle

          @moiety re "Roast Bear"

          "They'd have to wait 10,000 years for the internet connection. The roast bear would be well cold by then."

          Roast bear, like revenge, is best served cold.

        2. jake Silver badge

          @ moiety

          You don't roast bear.You stew it, like any other stringy, greasy meat.

          And it's still not very tasty. You can imagine how I know this ...

    2. Daniel von Asmuth
      Windows

      Caves don't come with windows

      But when was the oldest Graphical User Interface (sometimes called cave paintings) created in the Americas?

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Caves don't come with windows

        "But when was the oldest Graphical User Interface (sometimes called cave paintings) created in the Americas?"

        That's not an "interface", that's a standalone picture. They go back long before you Europeans ever even knew this place even existed.

    3. s5PGmU
      Linux

      Re: Died out from starvation

      Which would be worse: starving to death, or having to endure yet another Power Point presentation?

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge
    Coat

    "Now, if only they'd have had access to MS PowerPoint, too"

    A Folsom point will do just as well.

    Mine's the one made out of deer hide sewn with sinew.

  3. Chris G

    Not much changes

    Newflash : BP 10.000

    The boss of Microshaft Spearware today announced that they were introducing the new PaleoPoint 10, which, while lighter than previous spears, could be thrown further and faster than before. When criticised about the sharpness of the new Spearware and it's lack of penetration, he remarked " We are constantly working to improve our products, we are watching you while you use our Spearware and will update the products and may provide you with other points when we think it is necessary, A benefit with the new point is if it fails to penetrate the target it will at least be much farther away when it annoys a huge ravening beast, the distance will allow you to run and find a tree before you are caught."

    The tribes were not impressed but alterantive Spearwares were limited and not everybody knew how to throw them.

    1. x 7

      Re: Not much changes

      unfortunately Spearware is not compatible with Windows - they tend to break

    2. P. Lee
      Boffin

      Re: Not much changes

      See how impressed the natives are when they discover that Ogg the Spearware provider comes back every year asking for more money and random bits of their roast bear mysteriously end up at his house.

      Icon: Ogg say, "With regard to EULA, shoulda gone to specsavers."

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Is this the same site where they dug up Windows NT ?

    (Neanderthal Technology)

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Is this the same site where they dug up Windows NT ?

      Oh, I dunno ... the only bit of Redmond kit that I have runs Win2K. But only because I need ACad2K to continue documenting this place ...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is this the same site where they dug up Windows NT ?

      GROAN

      But yes, I laughed and hate myself for that

  5. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    They died out when

    They were forced to update from stone tools to ones made of bananas - because we need to play catchup with another soft fruit technology.

    1. Crazy Operations Guy

      Re: They died out when

      Except the iPencil proves that Apple only recently discovered tools...

  6. Nolveys
    Holmes

    How Do They Know It Was 10,000 Years?

    Maybe they are just left-overs from Ballmer.

    1. Mark 85
      Devil

      Re: How Do They Know It Was 10,000 Years?

      These were tools, not chairs that had been tossed.

      On the added side, these tools actually worked and didn't need updates.

  7. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Windows

    At last, the perfect maintenance tool

    I can sort out borked Windows machines and for all with this. Where do I get one?

  8. NanoMeter

    Whack Job 2.0 - new and improved

    Kills saber-toothed tigers in 3 minutes instead of 5 minutes.

  9. Ian Bush
    Coat

    MS would certainly be an aid to productivity

    "Do you want to allow the following flint to make change to this rock?"

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: MS would certainly be an aid to productivity

      Hey, it looks like you're killing a mammoth!

      1. DJV Silver badge

        Re: MS would certainly be an aid to productivity

        EULA: you hit thing with this rock, you no have guarunt... gaurent... me say if it not kill thing, then not my fault. If not agree don't open, send back unchipped and no bloodstains for full refund of pebbles.

  10. Your alien overlord - fear me

    How was their 'outlook' to their 'window' of opportunity of hunting? Was it 'excel'ent? And if this was a central store area, could they 'exchange' their spears for the new snake capturing device (asp.net 2.0)?

  11. Graham Marsden
    Coat

    Meanwhile...

    ... Ug is working on developing the iSpear which looks really great with its rounded corners, but if it breaks, you can't fix it yourself.

    1. Martin Budden Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Meanwhile...

      Careful with that iSpear, you could have someone's i out...

      1. Blitterbug
        Happy

        Re: Careful with that iSpear...

        ... You're holding it wrong

  12. x 7

    were the stone tools made at a special works?

  13. Youngone Silver badge

    No wonder their culture died out

    I mean, really there's no evidence at all that they even held a focus group, they went straight into making stone tools without even considering what colour they should be!

  14. x 7

    were any of those stone tools actually Microliths?

    1. Martin Budden Silver badge

      We'll never know because they didn't record any macros.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Childcatcher

    Tsk, kids

    In Britain we build things like Stonehenge over the top of our really large archaeological finds. In the US you put a mall on them.

    (http://www.theguardian.com/science/2014/sep/10/stonehenge-teeming-chapels-shrines-archaeology-research and http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/sep/07/stonehenge-archaeology-ritual-arena-neolithic-monument) I'm not a Grauniad fan - they seem to get to the top of searches ...

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    is it just me ....

    or does "Folk made and upgraded stone tools 10,000 years before Microsofties roamed Seattle" sound like it's saying "Folk made and upgraded stone tools ... before Microsoft made and upgraded stone tools"?

  17. jake Silver badge

    Was this the "best" tool they found?

    Looks pretty much useless ... was it a training site for newbie knappers? Might be a better way of looking at the find than the usual archeological "this is how life was back then" ...

    Would also make it's location near Redmond quite apropos ...

  18. Faux Science Slayer

    Actually....these are weekend retreats for "Stone Age Re-enactmets"....

    At the start of the current Holocene Interglacial period, the world's oceans were 440 feet below today's level. The former oceanside cities were rapidly inundated by rising seas and the riverside villages washed away when ice dams broke releasing torrents of flood waters. Humans do NOT cause climate change, and have no memory of what REAL climate change was like. Not a bad idea to brush up on your flint tool making skills....the coming Ice Age will be painful.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Linux

    Primitive tools?

    Once you use bash, sed, awk and make, *then* you know what primitive tools look like!

    1. captain veg Silver badge

      Re: Primitive tools?

      Ever tried edlin?

      -A.

  20. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge
    Coat

    Storage was a problem in those days...

    Just a handful of bites, and then they'd have to go and hunt some more.

    After a while though, they learned the advantages of having domesticated animals, such as sheep. This meant that the time between killing and eating was a lot quicker.

    History continues to repeat itself with software hungry for more Ram.

  21. TheWeddingPhotographer

    Well there is a thing

    You mean there was a living breathing population in the states before the relaivley recent wave of modern imigrants... you wouldn't have known

  22. wsm

    Primitive tools

    I was hoping they found the original Windows .001. It should have been something like a frame of twigs lashed together with rawhide, but it would have fallen apart every 15 minutes and need to be tied up again.

  23. MNDaveW

    The spinning hour glass:

    The cave bear will expire in ....

    15 minutes...

    10 minutes...

    1 minute...

    30 seconds...

    15 seconds...

    12.5 years... (nice try).

  24. Stu 18
    Happy

    I thought this was an article about Steve Ballmer popping in for a visit?

  25. Bottle_Cap
    Coat

    Now at last

    Primitive Tools....

    we can see how winblows ME was made.....

    /reasons for icon shurely obvious...

  26. wsm

    Something familiar...

    Were the tools abandoned after the future MS employees were seen touching a large, dark obelisk?

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