back to article NASA dismisses asteroid apocalypse threat

NASA has issued a statement dismissing web rumours that an asteroid will slam into Earth close to Puerto Rico sometime between 15 and 28 September, causing "wanton destruction to the Atlantic and Gulf coasts of the United States and Mexico, as well as Central and South America". Paul Chodas, head honcho at the Near-Earth …

  1. Blank-Reg
    Pint

    More end of the world idiots being given prime time. Why? These are the modern day equivalent of those tramps wandering around with boards saying the end is nigh.

    Also - Moon hoax claptrap? But, I, must rebut, Gah, Must. Not. Rise. To. Lester's. Bait...!

    Sod it, I'm grabbing my towel and downing a load of bitter. Just in case...

    1. K Cartlidge
      Thumb Up

      RE: I'm grabbing my towel and downing a load of bitter.

      Upvoted for the HHGTTG reference.

    2. Alien8n

      Don't forget the salted peanuts...

    3. streaky

      Don't encourage these people is usually the best thing. NASA responding in this way is absurd.

      You just ask why they know exactly where it's going to hit but not when "sometime between 15 and 28 September" - 12 hours earlier even on the same track it hits china, another 12 and it misses the planet completely; and why is it always the US in imminent danger anyway.

      1. Tromos
        Joke

        "why is it always the US in imminent danger anyway."

        Wishful thinking?

        1. Mark 85
          Devil

          Re: "why is it always the US in imminent danger anyway."

          To increase the fear-mongering and attention-getting. We're a gullible bunch who, according to some, know that God's Wrath is coming to wreak havoc and take the faithful home. Just ask any Republican Senator on the Science Committee.

    4. Brangdon

      More (and more convincing) deconstruction of NASA moon landing photos here: http://stuffucanuse.com/fake_moon_landings/moon_landings.htm.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...yes Mr Cox, I will hold your coat whilst you roll up your sleeves and head toward Lester's general direction.

  3. macjules
    Mushroom

    Reasons to apologise ..

    I gather that Jeremy Corbyn has already apologised for the fact that the orbital bombardment of Central and South America will not be taking place during September.

  4. Kharkov
    Happy

    I'm not worried...

    I've got my sub-etha device ready to 'thumb' a lift.

    1. Unicornpiss

      Re: I'm not worried...

      ..Don't forget your towel.

  5. Anonymous John
    WTF?

    Er.

    Why are the meteors heating up before entering the atmosphere?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Er.

      To match the accuracy of the initial claim.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Er.

        Because they are hotheaded space nazi asteroids and out to cause "wanton" destruction, that's why.

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Er.

          Or was that wonton destruction?

          Hmm, dumplings ........

          OK, I am off to the Chinese takeaway

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paul Chodas, head honcho at the Near-Earth Object office of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, said: "There is no scientific basis - not one shred of evidence - that an asteroid or any other celestial object will impact Earth on those dates."

    He forgot to mention that the wanton destruction is scheduled to occur sometime in October.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Mushroom

      Actually it has already happened - ask the Australian cricket team!

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    well

    thy would say that... why cause a panic, can't do anything to stop it.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: well

      I remember that comic. There was a hitman cleaning out all the observatories to hide the fact that the world's gonna end in a month or so.

      Yup, yup. Makes sense. Politicians would do ANYTHING to win the next election.

  8. JakeMS
    Mushroom

    Is this..

    Is this the same one which was "discovered" under no scientific basis what-so-ever by that mentally deranged god botherer who is always shouting DOOMSDAY IS COMING TO ALL YOU SINNERS, GOD WILL PUNISH YOU! Because "god" told him so?

    If so.. what a load of crap. The fact is, there are thousands of astronomers out there from all over the world, if this thing was really headed for us.. someone would of seen it by now and reported it...

    Sorry, but I believe in science and facts. Show me physical proof god exists and physical proof of this asteroid and then maybe, I will believe you and stop calling you insane.

    1. sabroni Silver badge

      Re: Show me physical proof god exists

      Duh! Look around you.

      I guess you believe "everything just exploded into being" is a better explanation than "god made everything explode into being". They both sound pretty similar to me...

      1. LucreLout

        Re: Show me physical proof god exists

        @Sabroni

        One quick question pls....

        I guess you believe "everything just exploded into being" is a better explanation than "god made everything explode into being". They both sound pretty similar to me...

        Two mutally opposing statements, one backed by faith, the other by current scientific understanding. Given their similarity to you.... what's the third choice? Space aliens, or Bill Hicks "all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves".

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Show me physical proof god exists

        Quite right Sabroni, it was the FSM and all done with his Noodly Appendage!

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Show me physical proof god exists

        @ sabroni

        'Duh! Look around you' != proof of the existence of any flavour of mythical supreme being

        There is constantly developing evidence for the former based on strong scientific method, the only evidence for the latter seems to come from ancient texts based on third hand accounts of people who would in this day and age be on heavy medication; hearing voices is a recognised symptom of schizophrenia.

        If said mythical deity does exist and is as vengeful as those who tend to follow abrahamic mythology seem to believe then she'd have popped a lightning bolt in my ass years ago.

        One day we'll all grow up and stop believing fairy stories

      4. hplasm
        Devil

        Re: Show me physical proof god exists

        Duh! Look around you. See any gods?

        No, but that dogturd looks a bit like a ghost...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Show me physical proof god exists

          Yeah, now I come to think about it last friday's pizza had an image of cheezus christ in mozzarella and mushrooms - proof that the world is flat and orbitted by the sun

        2. Captain DaFt

          Re: Show me physical proof god exists

          "Duh! Look around you. See any gods?"

          Look! Look right here, an image of Christ on a tortilla!

          No... wait a minute, that's Willy Nelson... Nevermind...

    2. roytrubshaw
      Facepalm

      Re: Is this..

      "... someone would of(sic) seen it by now"

      <pedant><rant>When did "would of" and "should of" replace "would have" and "should have", what is the world coming to? Perhaps the world should have a comet crash into it before standards slip even further!!!</rant></pedant>

      1. JakeMS
        Joke

        Re: Is this..

        Yeah, me an my perfect grammer and speling here ;-). Sorry mate.

        I should have maybe prove read it no?

        Also we need a "head exploding" icon.

  9. disgruntled yank

    Bruce Willis disappears?

    The NASA has justified several years' budget. Maybe they can move on to Tom Cruise.

    1. Blank-Reg
      Trollface

      Re: Bruce Willis disappears?

      I'd support any initiative that involves firing idiot Scientolowhatsit Celebutards into deep space never to be seen again. Tom Cruise to be first to go...

  10. Bob Wheeler
    Pint

    I guess I shold ...

    book my holiday for before the 15th then?

    I don't wont to loose out on my entitlement.

  11. Graham Jordan

    Eating a peach

    I clicked the eating a peach link in the hope there was something more significant than Bruce Willis eats fruit.

    No. No there wasn't.

    I feel like I've just been raped. And not in the good way.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Eating a peach

      I sympathise, but the article clearly stated the linked article was about Bruce Willis eating a peach. To be fair, it's the best Bruce Willis eating a peach story I've seen in some time.

      1. Martin Summers Silver badge

        Re: Eating a peach

        "To be fair, it's the best Bruce Willis eating a peach story I've seen in some time."

        There are more? Why have you not reported on them! I feel betrayed by the Reg now,for shame.

        1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

          Re: Re: Eating a peach

          I apologise. The next time Bruce eats a peach, Reg readers will be the first to know.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Eating a peach

        The insightful DM article about Bruce and the average sized peach is credited to Fehintola Betiku, I think that a decent portion of my brain will spend now until beer o'clock working on that as a potential anagram.

        1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

          Anagram

          "FUTILE BEATNIK HO" is rather appealing.

      3. disgruntled yank

        Re: Eating a peach

        Does he wear white flannel trousers etc.?

        1. Kubla Cant

          Re: Eating a peach

          Does he wear white flannel trousers etc.?

          They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”

          Thin? More like non-existent.

    2. Fraggle850

      Re: Eating a peach

      @ Graham Jordan

      I assumed 'eating a peach' was some form of euphemism and was going to follow the link to enrage myself with righteous, prurient anger at the thought of some celebutard doing something pleasurable - thanks for saving me the trouble, guess I'll have to while away my afternoon reading the Daily Mail website and frothing at the mouth over immigrants and house prices...

  12. Unicornpiss
    Meh

    I'm an American

    ..and Armageddon is the only movie I've ever walked out on before the ending. During Bruce's character's tearful scene in the shuttle when he gave his cliche-ridden speech and thought he was going to die. That was a truly stupid movie. I think it lost me at the dual simultaneous space shuttle launch.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: I'm an American

      Yeah, that scene was pretty dreadful. Overall, the movie just didn't have peach-eating, frankly.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Re: I'm an American

      when you left the cinema did you say 'Armageddon outa here'?

      Don't worry, I've already got my arms in the sleeves of my coat...

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: I'm an American

        Paul, is that you?

  13. casaloco
    Black Helicopters

    Latest Update

    An asteroid the size of a town will not be smacking into us, says Nasa... at least not between 15 and 28 September. After that, you take your chances, as their budget has been cut.

    The space agency is trying to calm everyone down after rumours that a killer space rock was on its way, by giving away humorous t-shirts with "Keep Calm, It's not the end of the world probably" printed on them, unaware of how last year that is.

    Doom-mongers said "a 2.5 mile-wide comet" will crash into Earth causing "catastrophic damage" and "wiping out the United States of America". Luckily, Nasa reports that "there is not one shred of evidence that we can talk about" for this, and even if there was, it's just America, and all the wealthy people have bunkers.

    Blogs and web posts even claimed that the rock would strike near the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico in the middle of September, however given the state of the countries economy, this will probably come as something of a relief for it's population.

    "If there were any object large enough to do that type of destruction in September, we would have seen something of it by now," said killer asteroid hunter Paul Cooper, while loading ammunition and tins of beans into the back of his brand new pick-up truck.

    He finished with "This isn't the first time a wild, unsubstantiated claim of a celestial object about to impact Earth has been made, and unfortunately, it probably won't be the last. Well maybe. Sorry I have to go, I have an old military base I have to visit."

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I had armageddon on dvd, tight bastard 2 sided edition, lets sling shot around the please turn disk over.

    Quite like peaches, don't like being sent to the DM website, I feel violated. It's true what they say, don't click links if unsure where they are going to.

  15. Joe Gurman

    As long....

    ....as Batman and Nucky Thompson go with Mr. Willis, we'll be OK.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If they can't pinpoint both the exact moment and location

    Then you know it isn't based on science. For an asteroid a month or even a year away from hitting Earth, those calculations are easy to make.

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