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back to article German police ARREST SQUIRREL for stalking woman

German police have detained a squirrel for stalking a woman and chasing her down the street. North-Rhine Westphalia police took the squirrel into custody. In an act of not very tough justice, they then fed it apple pieces and honey tea. It is not known at this point if the creature was part of the notorious crack squirrel …

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  1. FSM

    You know that feeling

    ... when you're not sure if you've woken up yet?

    16 0 Reply
  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I thought squirrels preferred nuts?

    2 0 Reply
    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Maybe the squirrel thought the woman was nuts?

      1 0 Reply
  3. Mark 85

    Did they take DNA samples and mug shots?

    I think this falls under the Rise of the Squirrels... Will an appropriate icon be forthcoming?

    6 0 Reply
  4. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    Beware !

    They now have the layout of the Police station their scout was detained in. Next step is raiding the arms locker and recovering the taser units. Then the final battle will take place when the notorious Nut Gang assault a supermarket at taserpoint and make off with all the walnuts.

    They're organized, I'm telling you ! Like the chickens !

    17 0 Reply
    1. Triggerfish
      Reply Icon

      Re: Beware !

      Assault on precinct 13 with squirrels?

      Disney's getting hardcore!

      5 0 Reply
  5. Richard Parkin

    Releasing Grey Squirrels

    I think it is illegal to release a G Squirrel once captured in England.

    5 0 Reply
    1. Khaptain Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

      G Squirrels

      G Men

      G Spots

      Gee whiz guv, what's with all the G's nowadays ? ( Neigh,,, don't bother answering that).... Golly Gosh

      4 0 Reply
      1. Phuq Witt
        Reply Icon
        Holmes

        G-Plan

        "...Gee whiz guv, what's with all the G's nowadays ? ( Neigh,,, don't bother answering that).... Golly Gosh..."

        I think you mean "Golly Gee'

        4 0 Reply
    2. John Arthur
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

      I had to look this one up but, yes, you are right. Under Schedule 9 of the Wildlife & Countryside Act 1981 (WCA) (amended by the Countryside & Rights of Way Act 2000) it is illegal to release a grey squirrel into the wild, or allow one to escape.

      This means if you trap one, you are obliged to humanely dispatch it. You must not let it go as this act would be illegal.

      9 0 Reply
      1. PNGuinn
        Reply Icon
        Joke

        Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

        "you are obliged to humanely dispatch it."

        To whom, pray?

        Timid minds NEED to know etc etc....

        5 0 Reply
        1. Richard Taylor 2
          Reply Icon
          Devil

          Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

          But to be fair, they did ban it from the club....

          3 0 Reply
        2. Alien8n
          Reply Icon

          Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

          Send it by Yodel? No wait, it says "humanely"...

          4 0 Reply
        3. John Bailey
          Reply Icon

          Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

          Well.. Obvious really..

          The home office.

          Grey squirrels being an invasive foreign species. I'm sure the minister in charge is the right one to take personal responsibility for them.

          2 0 Reply

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

            1. hplasm
              Reply Icon
              Happy

              Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

              "...whack it in the head with a priest."

              Naw- give the squirrel and the priest an axe, and let them fight it out!

              2 0 Reply
      2. Anonymous Coward
        Reply Icon
        Pirate

        Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

        Germany had, within living memory, a famously traumatic experience trapping and dispatching someone simply for who they are. Consequently modern Germans are less likely to go there.

        5 1 Reply
      3. Mark 85
        Reply Icon

        Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

        So it's possible that it could end up as a Post Pub Nosh menu item. Squirrel is fairly tasty.. and acquired taste but not on the level of some other things.

        0 0 Reply
    3. Tom 7
      Reply Icon

      Re: Releasing Grey Squirrels

      I caught one in my chicken house. Little fucker went apeshit and jumped off my face a couple of times so I let it escape. Sharp claws on the little bastard too.

      1 0 Reply
  6. Anonymous Coward
    Meh

    Oh dear

    I must be more disoriented than I thought if it's April 1st again.

    3 0 Reply
    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      Re: Oh dear

      "I must be more disoriented than I thought if it's April 1st again."

      This is El Reg. It's always April 1st here.

      28 0 Reply
      1. billse10
        Reply Icon

        Re: Oh dear

        "This is El Reg. It's always April 1st here"

        And a good thing too :)

        6 0 Reply
        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Reply Icon
          Trollface

          Re: Oh dear

          "And a good thing too :)"

          Unlike Eternal September :-(

          1 0 Reply
  7. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Are they sure...

    ... it wasn't the woman stalking the squirrel?

    0 0 Reply
    1. Alien8n
      Reply Icon

      Re: Are they sure...

      Fifty Shades of Grey Squirrel?

      11 0 Reply
  8. stucs201
    Pint

    re: turn on the Caffrey's tap

    So the owl finally loses that bet about squirrels drinking carling black label.

    (this may not make sense to those who don't remember UK TV ads from the 80s)

    4 0 Reply
  9. dotdavid

    "Last week a drunk squirrel caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage to a pub in Worcestershire."

    Drunk squirrel, or drunk punters who managed to capture a squirrel but left it behind when they'd all moved on to a different venue?

    1 0 Reply
    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Reply Icon

      No, humans are unlikely. Someone had been drinking the Caffreys...

      3 0 Reply
  10. A K Stiles
    Coat

    I, for one,

    welcome our battleship coloured, bushy-tailed overlords!

    1 0 Reply
  11. akeane
    IT Angle

    Did they catch the miscreant...

    ... by putting a tail on him?

    Actually I would not "humanely" dispatch a captured gray squirrel, I think he would make a fine companion, we could sit around after supper sampling fine cigars and congac, beside the fire, discussing the current woodland situation, and how to dispatch those commie reds...

    4 0 Reply
    1. launcap Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      Re: Did they catch the miscreant...

      > ... by putting a tail on him?

      Strangely enough, the tail was all that was left after one of the cats I grew up with[1] caught one. That and the mass of fleas that the cat was covered with (that soon left the cat once they realised he wasn't a tree rat).

      [1] Even more remarkable, his back leg on the right didn't actually have the head of the femur after a close encounter with a car. All just held together with fibrous tissue.

      0 0 Reply
  12. hatti

    post pub nosh

    Do drunk squirrels eat kebabs?

    0 0 Reply
  13. x 7

    It could have been worse....could have been those Killer Black Squirrels

    0 0 Reply
    1. x 7
      Reply Icon

      more on killer black squirrels in Russia...

      http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4489792.stm

      FWIW the black squirrels seen up the A1/M1 corridor north of Cambridge are a different species from the Commie Killer squirrels, and also believed to be a different species from the normal Greys. Both are introduced, but from different USA populations

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1016951/Nut-funny-The-mutant-black-squirrels-bullying-greys.html

      0 0 Reply
  14. Come to the Dark Side

    Linking Heck

    The "he told the BBC" link handily seems to be pointing to the ITV news page...

    0 0 Reply

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