back to article High on bath salts, alleged Norse god attempts tree love

A 41-year-old Florida man is facing a pantheon of charges after allegedly getting hammered on bath salts, declaring himself to be Norse storm god Thor, attempting to commit "a sexual act on a tree", shrugging off two taserings, and assaulting a police officer. According to this report, Kenneth Crowder was spotted this month …

  1. PNGuinn
    Mushroom

    Thanks for the explanation. I can put the mind bleach away now.

    My first reaction was - high on epsom salts? S**t! a "thunder god" high (up) on a thunder box.

    How long did it take him to thor out? Enquiring minds need to know etc etc...

    Seriously, is there no limit to human daftness?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Seriously, is there no limit to human daftness?"

      No.

      1. MonkeyCee

        The junkie who thought that "bath salts" where all bath salts, and injected himself with actual bath salts.

        Maybe the cleanest his veins have been for a while...

        1. Richard Taylor 2
          Happy

          Well relaxed anyway if the claims are to be believed....

      2. Michael Dunn

        @m0rt

        "Seriously, is there no limit to human daftness?"

        cf Einstein's well known dictum: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.; and I have reservations about the universe."

    2. tmTM

      Lucky Man

      Police usually shoot the perp rather than risk a crease on their uniform from a physical confrontation.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Lucky Man

        "Police usually shoot the perp rather than risk a crease on their uniform from a physical confrontation."

        Says the one sitting safe at home who doesn't have to face down the enraged lunatic. No chance YOU will ever risk dying as have so many cops who tried to be nice and not shoot.

        Stay safe.

        1. Wzrd1 Silver badge

          Re: Lucky Man

          "Says the one sitting safe at home who doesn't have to face down the enraged lunatic. "

          It's been my experience that when a knee begins to bend in the wrong direction, no matter how enraged, how drugged or how high their zeal formerly was, the fight ends immediately.

          I faced far worse in my life. I've faced my own buddies in the military, when they were drunk. When I couldn't talk them down, well, thing got quite interesting. I've had to use carotid compression, once, a throat strike (I could treat the results, if necessary) and assorted nerve strikes.

          The Commonwealth SAS varieties quite enjoyed partying with me as well, although they managed to not get quite so ugly.

          As for Afghans, let's say, they're tough, strong and the fight is over when the knee bends the wrong way.

          Me? I'm notorious for blocking with either my chin or my forehead, both of which are dense and comprised of a substance that could crush that pebble in Gibraltar and consists of strange matter, insulated with neutronium. I'm also infamously insensitive to pain and noted for my inability to quit.

          I'm also a deity, although I'm not entirely sure if I'm the Almighty or the son, as I'm variously addressed upon entering a room as Jesus Christ or God!, so I'm not certain which I am.

          But, the strong and dense skull does successfully protect both of my remaining brain cells, each of which takes an alternate day off (the rest melted out of my ears, while variously dealing with military lieutenants and raising two children to adulthood).

          Obviously, my humor is mercurial. That's due to the first mentioned experiences being real life, real world.

          I only get serious when things are so bad, someone might end up deceased if they don't listen.

          So, remember, from my world and life experience, life sucks, but it beats the shit out of the alternative. I know that as true, as none of my deceased buddies have bothered to ring me up and tell me how great dead is, so I know it's deadly dull.

          /Mercurial mode off (yeah, as if that'll happen)

          With a note that universally, on every continent I've visited, which is all save two, *everyone* knows "pull my finger". What does that and this event say of the species?

      2. Mark 85

        Re: Lucky Man

        Usually? I really don't think so. Go do some research and tell us again that this is "usually" the case? And back that up with data.

      3. Wzrd1 Silver badge

        Re: Lucky Man

        Not if he's white. Then, they hesitate.

    3. Mark Simon

      Seriously, is there no limit to human daftness?

      Yes. There is no limit to human daftness …

  2. Red Sceptic

    "Battery on a law enforcement officer", eh? On a charge?

    Very appropriate for an electrically-related would-be Norse god.

    I would suggest some more, but that would just be re-volting.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      He did not commit the other crime

      Resisting arrest while black. For that apparently in USA you are executed on the spot.

      As he did not happen to be guilty of this crime, the cops called reinforcements instead and showed that they do not need to shoot every time and can use brute force instead.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: He did not commit the other crime

        "showed that they do not need to shoot every time"

        He should count himself Loki....

      2. jake Silver badge

        Re: He did not commit the other crime

        @AC "3 hrs" (whatever that means, ElReg):

        "Resisting arrest while black."

        I saw no mention of skin colo(u)r in the article. Are your prejudices showing?

        "For that apparently in USA you are executed on the spot."

        Every single one of the recent high-profile police shootings in the USofA occurred because the target of the shooter refused to listen to the cop in a high-stress situation. If they had simply shut-up, sat down, placed their hands in plain sight and let the law figure out what the reality of the situation was, they would ALL be alive today. Maybe incarcerated, true, but alive.

        That is a fact, like it or not.

        Yes, one cop obviously murdered a person while on the job, shooting him in the back. The cop is incarcerated, and will be facing a jury. That doesn't change the fact that the deceased refused to listen to the cop. (I don't condone the cop's behavior, so don't even think of going there ...).

        The REAL question is WHY, exactly, did these deceased people refuse to listen to an authority figure? Did they really think they were above the law?

        Honestly ... Blaming Law Enforcement for doing their job? The mind absolutely boggles.

        1. gazthejourno (Written by Reg staff)

          Re: Re: He did not commit the other crime

          You acknowledge that one cop is in jail awaiting trial for murder while claiming if the victims stood still, they'd still be alive.

          Here's a thought: perhaps the man killed by being shot in the back was running away precisely because the police employee telegraphed his intent to murder?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: He did not commit the other crime

            And given he was seen placing the Taser next to the "perp" and then claiming the "perp" stole his Taser and run off with it, did little to help the case. As I recall, it was only the fact that a passer-by was surreptitiously recording the incident that the cop’s testimony could be proved false. Else this would have been a "his word against mine" and AS the perp was black and the cop was white then the fall out could have been a lot worse. One less trigger happy and corrupt, lying, deceitful plod off the street.

            I am still so glad we dont routinely arm the UK dibble...

            1. jake Silver badge

              @cornz 1 (was: Re: He did not commit the other crime)

              Again, in this one case the cop was obviously a murderer. The rest of the cases that the rabble are babbling about? Not so much.

              As a side-note: Where are all the protesters blocking freeways because of gang activity in Oakland? Remember the four cops killed in a single day a couple years ago? Who protested that? How about all the teenagers/early twenty-somethings killed in the East-Bay on a regular basis? What is the percentage of kids killed due to gang activity nation-wide, compared to police shootings?

              Perspective, people. It's important.

          2. jake Silver badge

            Re: He did not commit the other crime

            "perhaps the man killed by being shot in the back was running away precisely because the police employee telegraphed his intent to murder?"

            No. He was (probably[0]) running because he had a warrant out for his arrest.

            Note again, I do not condone what happened. But I seriously doubt the victim would be deceased if he had simply listened to the cop in question. Incarcerated, yes. Dead, no. Two people made stupid mistakes, and two families are hurting. Two wrongs don't make a right.

            And this one case does not negate the gist of my commentary.

            [0] We will never know for sure, obviously, but the warrant existed.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: WHY, exactly, did these deceased people refuse to listen to an authority figure?

          You've just said that they were in a high stress situation. I believe it may be difficult to behave entirely rationally at all times in such circumstances, especially for those members of the public unused to it, and/or under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or some other confounding factor.

          The police, of course, are trained to deal with such high stress situations, since to a large extent it is what they are paid to handle on behalf of the public. While we cannot expect police officers to behave with inhuman perfection, it does seem in some cases - such as this, perhaps - that they can fail to allow for the fact that the target of their attention is likely untrained and currently not coping well with the high stress situation they are now in; and as a result the police occaisionally use "high stress" as an excuse to escalate their response rather than trying to defuse and manage.

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: WHY, exactly, did these deceased people refuse to listen to an authority figure?

            "and so seem to use "high stress" as an excuse to escalate their response"

            Not an excuse, rather a reaction. Again, I don't condone killing people. But again, if said people simply sat down, kept their hands in sight, and listened to the instructions of an authority figure, they would ALL be alive today. Every single one of them.

            I am not blaming the deceased, nor the cops. I'm blaming society.

            1. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

              Re: WHY, exactly, did these deceased people refuse to listen to an authority figure?

              > I am not blaming the deceased, nor the cops. I'm blaming society.

              I'm blaming the cop. Society didn't look at the guy running way, realised he posed no threat, decided to ignore his training and shoot him in the back anyway.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: He did not commit the other crime

          Ok... what about Eric Garner then last year?

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Eric_Garner

          Cops literally strangled him to death. And he was on the ground with his hands behind his back. :(

          1. Dan Paul

            Re: He did not commit the other crime

            If Eric Garner had simply given them his wrists and let them cuff him, he would still be alive today. He didn't. He resisted arrest. That was HIS fatal mistake, not the cops.

            He broke the law. If you don't like the laws then change them. THIS law was a favorite of DiBlasio the Mayor as he hated smokers and selling single cigarettes without regard to age is a pet peeve of the Mayors office. The cops were enforcing the law as written.

            It wasn't until it took three cops to pull him to the ground and kneeled on him, compressing his chest did he stop resisting being cuffed.

            1. Tom 38
              Mushroom

              Re: He did not commit the other crime

              THIS law was a favorite of DiBlasio the Mayor as he hated smokers and selling single cigarettes without regard to age tax is a pet peeve of the Mayors office.

              FTFY

              1. Dan Paul

                Re: He did not commit the other crime

                Diblasio is supposed to be the type of mayor that liberals like you just love.

                Don't tell me that the blush is off the rose and some of you are coming out of your coma's

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: He did not commit the other crime

        Funny thing, seems only people who think they dont have to follow the lawful command of a police officer seem to get shot. Doing bath salts is stupid enough

        Moral? You might still be alive if you stopped running when a cop says to stop.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: He did not commit the other crime

          Is running away from an armed cop lawful reason to be shot?

          1. Tom 38

            Re: He did not commit the other crime

            Can't the cop run after the suspect rather than just shooting them?

            Also, getting pulled over and arrested by cops for a civil matter (selling ciggies individually, non payment of child support) is nonsensical.

            It's about time every second of every shift of every officer needs to be recorded and kept for a minimum period. No-one trusts a word they say any more.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: He did not commit the other crime

              Can the police not be trained to shoot at his lower leg, AIR, the cop fired about 8 shots. Truly hope all 8 hit their target because one stray bullet is capable of taking out an innocent passer-by...

              Its like fucking idiot drivers on the road, they seldom consider the consequences their stupidity will have on others...

              1. Mark 85

                Re: He did not commit the other crime

                Can the police not be trained to shoot at his lower leg, AIR, the cop fired about 8 shots.

                The short answer is "no".

                The long answer is reasons....

                Police and military are trained to aim for the "center of mass"... i.e.: the chest. Hitting a leg of someone running is tough and increases the chance of a richochet.

                The other problem is training. In the military, marksmanship is practiced, maybe not as often as it should be, but it is practiced. Cops... budgets don't allow for it. When there is training, it's paper targets (static) at close range and limited in the amount of live fire.

                Shooting and hitting a target isn't as easy as the movies make it. Both perps and cops can expend a pile of rounds and never hit anything. The whole mess is exactly that, a mess.

                1. Michael Dunn
                  Headmaster

                  Re: He did not commit the other crime @Mark 85

                  Actually, the human centre of mass is in the pelvis.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: He did not commit the other crime

              Can't the cop run after the suspect rather than just shooting them?

              An average USA cop with a lovingly maintained dohnut induced half a foot (at least, usually a foot or more) overhang above the belt? You gotta be kidding me. The question is not if he can run after the suspect, the question is can he run at all.

              Granted, some places still have a fitness test, but they are a minority (especially for traffic cops).

              In any case - if you follow the links - the suspect is white. Probably one of the reasons he is still alive.

            3. Mark 85

              Re: He did not commit the other crime

              Can't the cop run after the suspect rather than just shooting them?

              Seriously? You've never seen the local cops in the US then. Most, of them couldn't even run into Dunkin' Donuts for a freebie. They'd need the drive-up.

          2. Dan Paul

            Re: He did not commit the other crime

            In some cases, running from a cop IS enough reason to get shot. It make you a criminal right away as you are resisting arrest by running. A cop looking for an armed suspect that just committed a heinous crime that looks just like you, doesn't have to ask twice.

            Here's some advice, take a deep breath, answer the cops questions, shut up and provide a valid ID.

            99 times out of 100, you will walk away alive and unhurt. You may get a ticket but that's about it.

            If you'd rather run, then the cop has no other info but to suspect you are an armed criminal with something illegal on your person (weapon, drugs etc), or an outstanding warrant for your arrest.

            At the very least, he or she is going to make sure you don't run again when they catch you.

            You can bet money you are not going to get the same treatment as if you just gave them an ID and calmly asked "what is this about officer".

            It's YOUR choice to do something --- smart or stupid; you reap what you sow. The cop didn't MAKE you run, your own guilt did.

      4. Wzrd1 Silver badge

        Re: He did not commit the other crime

        As an embarrassed US citizen, I'll abashedly concede the point to AC.

        I will offer in my own defense, (although, you use a C in the place of an S, that is due to your lack of standardizing the language until that unfortunate gaffe in 1776), I'm working on that problem, with a hell of a lot of peers.

        Likely, that will likely result in universal summary execution.

        Still, I'm game, if the cops are equally game to try it. Even with my osteoarthritis, I'm good within 5 meters for hand to hand.

        Yeah, things are *really* that fucked up in the good old U S of A.

        Although, I've been reconsidering the A part to mean Asshole.

        I don't really have a problem with that, I'm a retired Army NCO, asshole was part of the career description, when required.

        Would that make me Emperor of the Assholes then?

        If so, I'll now issue a summary Imperial decree.

        The United States of Assholes is no longer named such, it is now and forever forthwith to be known as the United States of America. A land where *all* human are truly equal peers.

        Secondarily, I decree that the now United States of America is not an empire. The office of Emperor is abolished. An Imperial pension shall be paid of ten million Imperial dollars per year to the former Emperor.

        As the office was already abolished, fuck all if this former Emperor shall be paid and will now have to resume his former civilian occupation as BOFH MK II A IV, aka Information Security analyst, technical.

        Which defeats BOFH via technical and regulatory means. ;)

        The fun part? I probably could do such a thing.

        I'm not a psychopath, I'm a supremely functioning sociopath, who also suffers from altruism.*

        *Personal humor of life experience. My high school wanted to understand why I didn't ace all grades/tests/homework assignments. They understood that I was bright, but couldn't figure out why I didn't excel at their rote work.

        So, I was sent to several psychologists.

        As I was an AP psychology student *and* volunteered at a college radio station as a technician, we'll suffice it to say, I fully comprehended the tests. So, I had a bit of fun.

        I was indeed diagnosed as an altruistic sociopath. The better paid psychologists figured out the game early one, to my annoyance, their diagnosis: "He's bored and fucking with us".

        Of course, the school never *did* figure me out, but knew my IQ.

        Strangely, a local MENSA chapter sought me out. I declined, as I have a fundamental disagreement with *not* altering the world for the better.

        So, eventually, I joined the military and found a career in being able to do so, in small, modest ways that pay off larger than the effort in the long term.

        It wasn't the mission that counted, it was the secondary efforts after it was accomplished that works.

        Case in point, real world, using a SOFLAM to guide a precision (it's not, really, it expands a shockwave in all directions), we dug out the family next door to the terrorist that killed 100 market goers (read, women and children, men didn't shop in that culture), general and directed conversation ensued when all essentially gave up on finding life, but kept digging.

        Guided suggestions and queries were used.

        Still pissed off over those families.

        But, views did change in those villages.

        Much later, I read Ian Banks works on the Culture. I hope to have been a shadow of the works of SC.

        Meanwhile, realizing how much the US and USSR fucked up the entire planet.

        Leaving the droppings for everyone to unfuck.

    2. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Amp-le opportunities for puns in this one then....

      1. JohnnyGStrings

        Yep, definitely a lot of potential

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Wonder if he thought he was ohmnipotent?

          1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

            Oh once he has come down from the drugs he will be discharged

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              He will be back down to Earth then....

    3. Bloakey1

      <snip>

      "I would suggest some more, but that would just be re-volting."

      It sounds like he was charged twice by the Tasers. I was wondering how much time he would serve and when he would get to go ohm <sic>.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        At least he is still aLIVE after being NEUTRALised.

    4. dorsetknob
      Coat

      In a thread Littered with Norse mythological references

      there is no reference to TROLLS (shit i Mentioned them )

      I'll get my coat its at the back of the Cave

  3. Richard 12 Silver badge

    Why was the first response to Taser him?

    Would they have shot him first instead if the cop hadn't got a Taser on him?

    They can and do kill. It's not a magic stun-phaser like in Star Trek, and somebody high on drugs is at higher than usual risk of death if Tasered.

    I wonder what would have happened if the policemen did nothing? Would he have quietly passed out after sexing the tree?

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: Why was the first response to Taser him?

      <snip>

      "I wonder what would have happened if the policemen did nothing? Would he have quietly passed out after sexing the tree?"

      Perhaps they should have left it to special branch.

      1. Woza

        Re: Why was the first response to Taser him?

        "Perhaps they should have left it to special branch."

        This is called winning.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    given the propensity

    of the American police to shoot first and then try and justify doing so, this bloke is lucky, especially as he continued to approach the officer in a combative "mood"...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm struggling to see the computer security angle......

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Facepalm

      Deity-generated bolts of lightning are bad for your computer.

  6. Harry the Bastard
    Coffee/keyboard

    damn, i acted on the headline

    now i've got suds all over my keyboard, am still mortal and it tastes bad too

    1. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip

      Re: On the bright side.

      There's a squirrel that wants to know if you are free Friday night?

  7. Peter Storm

    Norse god high on bath salts

    Something about leading a Norse to water? Oh I don't know, too early on a Monday morning to think properly.

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: Norse god high on bath salts

      "Something about leading a Norse to water? Oh I don't know, too early on a Monday morning to think properly."

      They do say "you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think". They also say "say neigh to ketamine".

  8. Bernard M. Orwell

    "I am THOR!"

    I'm not surprised after being tasered twice and getting into a fist fight with the police, thilly!

  9. frank ly

    commit "a sexual act on a tree"

    Is this illegal because the tree can't give meaningful consent?

    1. sandman

      Re: commit "a sexual act on a tree"

      At least its bark is worse than its bite...

      1. Bloakey1

        Re: commit "a sexual act on a tree"

        i knew someone wood <sic> say that.

    2. Mark 85

      Re: commit "a sexual act on a tree"

      Nah... it was something about fhe tree having a woody also.

      1. Martin Budden Silver badge

        Re: commit "a sexual act on a tree"

        So... did he get a root?

    3. cortland

      Re: commit "a sexual act on a tree"

      It has to bark "yes," no?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "... trying to stab the officer with the officer's badge".

    "charges of ... assault with a deadly weapon on a law enforcement officer".

    So they're claiming the officer's badge is a deadly weapon?

    1. Kevin Johnston

      ....deadly weapon

      They actually do it properly on the left hand side of the pond. If you have an implement which could potential kill someone, no matter how remote the chance, then it is a deadly weapon.

      Over here you have a mishmash which 'kind of' gets there with ...constructed, adapted or intended for use....says much the same but it is a little wordy and leaves loopholes where you may have to prove intent which is never easy.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: ....deadly weapon

        They actually do it properly on the left hand side of the pond

        OK, I'll take into account it's Monday morning, but really? To me that's *way* too open ended as a law, ergo a magnet for abuse.

        1. Martin Budden Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: ....deadly weapon

          ergo a magnet for abuse

          A fridge magnet probably wouldn't count, but a big heavy magnet might.

  11. Ashton Black
    Joke

    Typical!

    In the land of the Freyja, no one gives a Frigg.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Did the copper shout

    Resistance is futile?

    1. Joel 1
      Coat

      Re: Did the copper shout

      Since the Tasering failed twice, he must have been providing too much resistance...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Did the copper shout

        Obviously his conduct wasn't grounded in reality.

  13. DJV Silver badge

    Punometer

    El Reg ought to have a "Most Punned Comments Section of the Week"

    Thanks for the great Monday morning groans eveyone!

    1. jake Silver badge

      @DJV (was: Re: Punometer)

      Sad commentary. The taking of human life is not funny. Ever.

      1. Tom 38

        Re: @DJV (was: Punometer)

        Whose life got taken jake? They don't charge dead people with crimes, this isn't the Vatican.

      2. D@v3

        Re: @Jake

        you are correct, "the taking of human life is not funny".

        In this case however, no life was taken, and it was funny

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: @Jake

          What kind of idiots are you?

          DJV was actually LAUGHING with people making awful puns about humans (real people!) getting killed. There is absolutely nothing funny about that.

          1. gazthejourno (Written by Reg staff)

            Re: Re: @Jake

            Quick, stop the internet - someone's OFFENDED.

          2. This post has been deleted by its author

  14. petec

    My gawd, this article is shocking.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Personally I have a great capacity for this stuff. Kind of charges me up.

  15. Graham Marsden
    Facepalm

    And this goes to show...

    ... just how effective the "War on Drugs" is, because people have not and would not switch to other substances to get high and even if they did, we'd just ban them and *that* would make the situation better...

  16. hi_robb

    I'm guessing...

    He thought the tree was Lush...

    /Gets coat

  17. Stevie

    Bah

    Perhaps it the press were to apply somewhat less heroic names to the substances it would help the fight to prevent people ingesting these things?

    Suppose we change the intriguing term "bath salts", no doubt the correct street term for the would be buyer, to something like "fucktard powder"? Does the product still sound as attractive as it did before?

    Besides, it is more descriptive of the effects. I urge The Register to lead the way in the crusade to tell it like it is drugs-wise.

  18. skeptical i
    Devil

    "Wait, Thor was a tree HUGGER nature god?"

    Bath salts mess with your hearing too?

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well now...!

    If he DOES turn out to be Thor, those officers are well fcked later on... :)

  20. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Coat

    "the alleged deity"

    Well, yes and no. He alleged it himself. So I suppose that makes it self-allegation. Ouch! Especially the friction burns from the tree. Was his main crime attempting to start a fire by some wood on wood action?

  21. The Vociferous Time Waster

    So he's white right?

    a black man wouldn't have even got the first tasering before being shot in the face with a .38

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So he's white right?

      Personally, I hope that some time in your life you have to rely on a police officers actions in order to keep on living.

      Then I'll laugh like a Simpsons character when I read what happened to you.

    2. Mark 85

      Re: So he's white right?

      Nah.... wouldn't happen. Cops don't carry .38's. They use 9mm's.

  22. WereWoof

    "A Norse A Norse, My Kingdom for a Norse"

    1. jake Silver badge

      @ WereWoof

      You wrote: "A Norse A Norse, My Kingdom for a Norse"

      I think that happened in 1066 ...

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