back to article Google plans ROBOTS to SLICE YOU OPEN AND CUT YOU UP

Google has signed a deal to collaborate with Johnson & Johnson subsidiary Ethicon to work on surgical robotics applications. The J&J statement says the two companies will “bring together capabilities, intellectual property and expertise” in building a robotic-assisted surgical platform, with the kind of supporting sentence …

  1. Mark 85
    Alert

    with the kind of supporting sentence that can only be crafted by the dead hand of investor relations.

    Almost... they missed "synergies" and "shareholder value"....

    There's also the question of information organisation: surgeons often need multiple screens in the operating room so they can check medical images, look over the results of previous surgery, and help navigate the patient's anatomy.

    No ads then? Or tracking of the patient? Hmmm... this is so un-Google-like. Is the world coming to an end we haven't heard?

    1. fajensen

      I think they are planning to live-auction your organs on eBay: Once you are strapped into the machine and cut open you will get the opportunity to make bids with other customers on all the bits you want to be still there when they stitch you back up.

      The surgery itself is "free", though.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I'm sure an range of appropriate paid "upgrades" will be available very soon:

      https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/56/1d/55/561d55674e9ed175cfa2a356f667ec45.jpg

  2. Michael Thibault

    Not to cut you up, foolish person,

    but to install the biometric micro-chippery that you'd be unable to get to yourself. Might as well do it while necessary invasive surgery is going on, right? All it will cost you is a little bit of data on how well things work out, ultimately. Everybody wins!

  3. Robert Helpmann??
    Terminator

    Not SkyNet, but...

    But close enough. Google had (or has) a formal motto of "Don't be evil" and look how that turned out. What is going to come out of their alliance with a company called Ethicon? Decepticons?

    1. RyokuMas
      Trollface

      Re: Not SkyNet, but...

      Any company with the word "ethic" in their name should have to rename themselves following signing up with Google - false advertising otherwise!

    2. fajensen

      Re: Not SkyNet, but...

      Everybody knows that scarcity determines value - so - whenever a company have a product or service they want to appear really valuable, they put something in the branding that they / the product completely lack (which, therefore, appears very valuable to the sales-side).

      Which is why we know never to trust anything with "trust" in the name, we know that anything "smart" has been dropped on it's head from 10 stories, "simple" is incomprehensible complexity, and that "value" means "cheapened even lower than shit" - while roses can grow on shit, this product sucks life itself away. Et Cetera, Politics is the same BTW.

  4. Trevor_Pott Gold badge

    Google are going to make the UI? Well, that'll suck then. Google UIs are terrible. And they change all the time. I'm sorry, but I'd rather not have surgery assisted by a Googlebot. I can see it now: my chest cracked open while the doctor is about to do something to my heart and the inevitable strangled cry of the frustrated nurse: "Google, stop moving my fucking buttons!" For lack of information, I die on the table why everyone tried to figure out the new UI.

    Cloud!

    1. Daggerchild Silver badge

      Could be worse...

      "Hi! It looks like you are trying to remove a spleen!"

      1. Graham Marsden

        Re: Could be worse...

        Brings a whole new meaning to Blue Screen of Death...

        ... splat!

        Oops, make that a *Red* Screen of Death!

  5. Shady

    Could be worse.

    The robot could be controlled by Amazon Mechanical Turk. You could actually be being operated on by several dozen housewives in Iowa making a few dollars performing Surgical Human Interface Tasks between episodes of Oprah.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just fcuk off Google.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Problem is that after the op all of your X-rays will show the google watermark

  8. Mark York 3 Silver badge
    Terminator

    Well we all saw how well a device of this nature worked on Naomi Rapface in Prometheus.

    & I can't help but think of this from Doctor Who - The Robots of Death

    "There was a Voc therapist in Kaldor City. Specially programmed, equipped with vibro-digits, subcutaneous stimulators, the lot. You know what happened, Borg? Its first client wanted treatment for a stiff elbow. The Voc therapist felt carefully all round the joint, and then suddenly just twisted his arm off at the shoulder. Shoompf. All over in two seconds."

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