back to article Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG

It's Friday, so we invite those of you who are counting down the seconds until pub o'clock to spot the fatal concept error in the Alfah Mobile - "a small suction free attachment that attaches the back of your mobile device to your steering wheel or dashboard for convenience and hands free driving". This less-than-ingenious …

  1. Lionel Baden

    tehee

    Oh brilliant Friday Article, Many thanks !!!

  2. wolfetone Silver badge

    Quite Clever

    Now when you have an accident you won't have to spend valuable minutes looking for your phone to ring the ambulance.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: Quite Clever

      Not so fast. The shield on top of the steering wheel airbag does not fly in your face. Stiff leather with reinforced backing is no different from a phone so if it went towards you you would have been cranialy modified too.

      So in theory, it is possible to embed a display (if done correctly) into the steering wheel. Note - this is in theory. Big "in theory" here.

      In practice (if done properly) it is one of the most stupid locations to do so. Your eye movement from road to mid-steering wheel and back is more than from road to pretty much anywhere on the dashboard. On top of it, the distance to there from your eyes is so different compared to the road (or the normal dash) that your eyes will have to refocus. This is one of the reasons (in addition to anti-glare) to put all readouts in a recessed dash and not in yer face. Constant refocus is actually even worse than distractions. It is a recipe for disaster.

      This is one of the reasons nobody ever put any indicators there.

      Now as far as attaching something to it with "spit" - well, that is beyond stupid. Even if the airbag deploys correctly, even if it does not fly in your face, it is just... stupid.

      1. Zacherynuk

        Re: Quite Clever

        "This is one of the reasons nobody ever put any indicators there"

        No-one except TVR, perhaps!

        EG: TVR Cerbera: http://www.diseno-art.com/images_4/TVR_Cerbera_by_the_car_spy.jpg

        1. John Tserkezis

          Re: Quite Clever

          "No-one except TVR, perhaps!"

          The Cerbera didn't come with airbags. Presumably, because it was designed as a race car, in the event you hit anything, the airbags will be wearing you for protection anyway.

    2. Trigonoceps occipitalis

      Re: Quite Clever

      Capt Cyborg, eat your heart out!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    (cranially) embedded mobile technology...

    All we need now is an app that activates the front-facing camera when an accident occurs for the ultimate "selfie"...

    1. Cave Dweller

      Re: (cranially) embedded mobile technology...

      Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Since most phones have accelerometers, they should be set to take a picture when the phone picks up speed, for "warranty" reasons. You'd get a lovely picture of the second-to-last thing going through the drivers' mind.

  4. Richy Freeway

    What the actual fuck?

  5. Alistair
    Facepalm

    I *really* hope that that was a joke. A prank. a silly thing. clickbait, ANYTHING but a serious concept.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "ANYTHING but a serious concept"

      I once had a conversation with a salesman once who told me that it would be better if product designers didn't know about all these safety standards and product norms because "it just inhibits their creativity".

  6. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge
    Coat

    Reminds me of the old joke...

    What was the last thing to go through their mind after the accident? Their mobile phone

  7. Cuddles

    To be fair

    While attaching it to an airbag isn't too bright, the actual thingy itself isn't such a bad idea. There are plenty of "stick your phone to part of your car" gadgets around, but this one does it in a way I haven't seen before which looks like it could well be better than the usual suckers or magnets. Just a shame they appear to want $75 for it when the alternatives generally cost around £10.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: To be fair

      I'm not sure if that was sarcasm or not.

    2. ItsNotMe
      FAIL

      Re: To be fair

      "Just a shame they appear to want $75 for it when the alternatives generally cost around £10."

      And two strips of Velcro cost just a few cents.

      1. John Tserkezis

        Re: To be fair

        "And two strips of Velcro cost just a few cents."

        That would not fly in Australia (or at least in New South Wales), as it's a documented requirement the holder be a "a fixed mounting. This mounting must be commercially designed and manufactured for this purpose".

        Ironically, the above steering wheel mount would be legal, because as long as the phone does not obstruct your view of the road, they don't document where you can mount it...

  8. djack

    Their Description is Right too..

    "Holding your cell phone visible giving the driver hands free driving"

    Did they really mean that?

    1. Billa Bong
      Coat

      Re: Their Description is Right too..

      I wouldn't put it past their target audience... so probably, yes.

    2. wdmot

      Re: Their Description is Right too..

      Steer with your knees; the phone is right there in front of you so you can use both hands for texting? If you held it with one hand, you'd only have one hand for texting, thus the need for the mount.

      1. Chris G

        Re: Their Description is Right too..

        She clearly says "you can DRIVE hands free" not operate your phone hands free.

        And she has the nerve to run a magazine called Smart-Fem?

        I know a lot of women smarter than her and they don't need to read her magazine that endorses products that could give their kids a serious case of moby mug.

        It's not only texting that is a problem with drivers, just using a phone and driving is challenging enough for most of the drivers I encounter on their phones each day.

        I dislike elfin safety rules in general but I am beginning to think that all cars should have a hands free phone kit installed to pass the MOT test or it's equivalent anywhere else and a fine if you are in your car with a phone and it is not fitted in place.

        Hmm, thinks: Must buy a hands free kit.

  9. Billa Bong
    Facepalm

    Product placement aside

    Who's going to want to attach one half of the brick holder on to the back of their nice stylishly designed phone permanently anyway? And having the rotation of the steering wheel while driving is going to make navigation a real... joy...

    I wonder how long before smartfem ask to have their name withdrawn...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Product placement aside

      If it's on the steering wheel, even if there wasn't an airbag behind it, it would fall out. The steering wheel isn't always pointing above the horizontal.

      1. Terry Barnes

        Re: Product placement aside

        I had a Citroen where the centre of the steering wheel always remained in the same position.

        1. Steven Raith

          Re: Product placement aside

          Terry, a C4?

          I'm so very sorry. Has the auxilliary control unit (that controls the central locking, leccy windows, tailgate solenoid etc) shat itself yet?

          Steven R

    2. JetSetJim
      Facepalm

      Re: Product placement aside

      Perhaps they will have a future upgrade which features the option of a gyroscopically stabilised mount that swivels with the steering wheel to keep the phone always oriented in the same direction.

      Or a launcher app that detects the phones orientation to the nearest degree and rotates the home screen/current app/keyboard appropriately. Endless possibilities to ensure the drivers attention is captivated by their little device, thus ensuring more phone-faceplants when the airbags go off.

      I wonder if there's a Bulgarian equivalent?

      1. Frankee Llonnygog

        Re: Product placement aside

        For this reason, I have patented the circular phone (or phone with one round corner, if you prefer)

  10. Mark Allen

    won't last long

    Looking at the thing on the kickstarter page, I can't see it even staying in the holder for long. After a few months use it will become loose and just fall out when you turn a corner. That perfect situation where your phone then ends up in the footwell whilst driving.

    Especially as steering wheels aren't flat, there is that big bulge to hide the explosives behind.

  11. Alister

    I can't wait to hear of the first user who decides to plug in the phone's charging lead, and then tries to go round a sharp bend...

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Award?

    The Darwin Award Creation Tool.

    1. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

      Re: Award?

      Though 'ridiculous and dangerous', it could be their line of thought was "the plastic cover doesn't hit you in the face when the air bag deploys so why would anything attached to it".

      Though, having seen people attach things to the passenger air bag cover in a similar way, it could simply be they hadn't even thought about the scenario, nor considered that attaching something may disrupt deployment.

      Besides; everyone knows accidents only happen to other people.

  13. Quentin

    More of a catapult than a ram

    In a crash, surely point of the air bag is that the drivers face doesn't hit the steering wheel, so the front surface of the steering wheel flicks open to allow the air bag to hit the driver. While this does mean that the phone will not be rammed into the driver's face, the power of it being flicked may even be more dangerous... unless that attachment is seriously strong!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can they not just fit a big spike instead - would encourage safer driving :-)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Kickstarter

    Reading the small print in the Kickstarter, the device is not to be used when driving. So you have to pull over, attach it to the steering wheel, make call, then remove before continuing.

    It all makes sense now.

    1. Frankee Llonnygog

      Re: The Kickstarter

      The brains behind this should be barred from using a motor vehicle while driving

      1. Jos

        Re: The Kickstarter

        @Frankee

        I read the kickstarter text, and I think for the next couple of hours I'm barring myself from doing anything slightly complicated, just to avoid hurting anyone, or myself. My brain needs to untangle itself first.

        " Our distribution and fulfillment plan includes: On time delivery, Packing accurately, Damage free shipping, Inventory accurately, and Documentation accurately. As we grow our labor force grows to meet the demand of both business and customer destinations. "

        What?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Call that dangerous...

    Try the 6" metal flag pole with an Indian flag and a large spike stuck to the passenger's airbag* in a taxi I was in in India...

    *Though a taxi with an airbag was an unusual find.

  17. Adolph Clickbait
    Trollface

    How's the driver supposed to Whatsapp whilst navigating a rounderbout

    Damm these cars for distracting a driver from their tech!

  18. Mark 85
    Coat

    On the bright side...

    At least the driver's hands will be in close proximity to the steering wheel while texting.

  19. Sgt_Oddball

    meh

    I just dump my phablet in the instrument binnacle where it covers the Rev counter. Works like a charm for the sat nav. Though I could do with a double aided suction cup to stop it moving.

    Much cheaper and visually in a better spot all round.

  20. SmartFem Publisher

    SmartFem does not endorse this product

    The video you see was created as a cooperative school project to help a friend with what was believed to be only a school project. SmartFem was not aware this was an actual product or part of an effort to raise money. SmartFem regrets that this video was used improperly.

  21. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    "We don't encourage texting while driving..."

    "...but we'd like you fund our plan to market a device which does!"

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