back to article justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups

Back in the bad old days when men were men and women were, well, a bit more relaxed, new forms of technology generally ushered in equally new ways of watching other folk having sex. Few older gents can forget the VHS and Betamax era, because it allowed them to linger over hours of grumble movies starring a host of lovelies and …

  1. chivo243 Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Horny dude gets thumped

    I can already see it. A guy gets his girl to advertise, and when the horny dude shows, he gets thumped and fleeced for his troubles! Paris as she is as close to a working girl as the icons get!

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer

    I welcome the opportunity to lay a complex technical trail of clues that a worn-out retired gumshoe, called back to solve one last baffling case while trying to deal with his divorce/separation/drink problem, will have to follow.

    It's technology like this that really reaches out to us full-time professional murtherers.

  3. Paul Crawford Silver badge

    Palm called, wants her sisters back

    Luxury! When I were a lad we were lucky to dream of such things. Times were so poor we could hardly afford Palm and her five sisters.

    1. Kobus Botes
      Coat

      Re: Palm called, wants her sisters back

      Or, as an ex-colleague said, they were so poor if he weren't a boy he would not have had anything to play with!

      That rather tatty trenchcoat, thanks.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What the hell was that

    Must be the most incomprehensible article ever. I've re-read it a few times and I still can't make head nor tail of it. OK, there are a few lucid lines in the middle but the rest is pure waffle.

    Take away Jasper's beer allowance or send me a few pints so I can make sense of him.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What the hell was that

      Summary for you:

      Something about pubic hair.

      Watch app leads you to horny other Watch wearer with app for frolic.

      One can triple tap the watch to alert the police.

      What can possibly go wrong?

    2. Lamont Cranston

      Re: What the hell was that

      I think someone has invented an app that will lead horny men to other horny men, on the off chance that one of them might be a woman.

  5. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Paris Hilton

    Low tech solution?

    Wouldn't wandering around with a "Kiss me quick" T-shirt on have much the same effect?

    Obligatory XKCD on "wrist freedom".

    http://www.xkcd.com/1420/

  6. thomas k.

    Blind date?

    Is that where you close your eyes while ... well, you know?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Blind date?

      Only if you use your right hand.

      If you use your left hand it's called cheating.

      Reverse hands if you're cack handed.

      If you're ambidextrous then I suppose it's consensual swinging.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Blind date?

        What if you can use both hands at the same time?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Blind date?

          >What if you can use both hands at the same time?

          Either you've got small hands or you're well endowed.

          However if you mean if you can use both hands equally well, then look up the meaning of ambidextrous.

      2. Joe Harrison

        Re: Blind date?

        Think you misspelled ambidickstrous.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Blind date?

        "Reverse hands if you're cack handed."

        if you managed to get cack on your hands, you're doing it wrong.

  7. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    "You can also hide by pressing the screen."

    Does that work like hiding by closing your eyes?

  8. frank ly

    Times ... changing

    "... who will either recoil with horror at your inglorious visage or fall into bed with you."

    Don't people have conversations or share a walk in the park anymore? It's all very different from when I was young.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Times ... changing

      Walk in the park?

      Ee, lad, you youngsters don't know how it's done. In my day we used to whack em oer t'ead wi a club an drag em back t'cave. Pure romance.

      1. MrDamage Silver badge

        Drag 'em back to t'cave.

        Always remember to drag them by the hair.

        Drag them feet first, and they fill up with dirt.

    2. Sporkinum

      Re: Times ... changing

      Down in the Park, with a friend called Five....

  9. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Coat

    who will either recoil with horror at your inglorious visage or fall into bed with you.

    So if I've got this right, the difference between this app and six double martinis is the sequence of the above events?

    1. ian 22

      Aye, beer goggles are less spendy and more fun.

  10. Steven Raith

    "Just click the watch face and it will steer you in the direction of some other horny person, who will either recoil with horror at your inglorious visage or fall into bed with you."

    It's always the former with me. But I'm not beautiful enough to own an Apple Watch anyway.

    Steven "OH LORD, PUT IT AWAY*" R

    *I should probably ask first, in fairness....

  11. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Your app is intriguing to me and I wish to download it...

    "Triple tap the display to activate Emergency mode. This will let the Police know where you are and will also share the location of your date. He/she will also get a permanent ban on 3nder. Win! Except for the murder guy."

    I mean, it's all good, what's not to like? Apart from 3nder's marketing which helpfully reminds us of the random chance of senseless death by psycho if we're brave enough to use this app.

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Your app is intriguing to me and I wish to download it...

      I'm probably more concerned about a blind date / hookup app called 3 ender

      You should be very careful clicking on the access permissions when installing

    2. Oninoshiko

      Re: Your app is intriguing to me and I wish to download it...

      I'm wondering if they really thought this through...

      I mean, one person triple-taps you and you're gone? Gee, that's got no abuse potential.

  12. Rustident Spaceniak
    WTF?

    Anyone remember the airline seat pairing app?

    I rather think this one will go the same way. It's all nice and fine letting interested others know you're in search of a mate, but most people will prefer a little bit of discretion with it. Imagine standing in a queue somewhere and being approached with "I see you've got your 3nder on" - it could be just a little bit embarassing. What was wrong about going to parties or clubs?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Anyone remember the airline seat pairing app?

      " What was wrong about going to parties or clubs?"

      They have bouncers who will search you, if you look suspicious, for your knives/pepper pray/taser etc.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Anyone remember the airline seat pairing app?

        > They have bouncers who will search you, if you look suspicious, for your knives/pepper pray/taser etc.

        So do airlines...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Anyone remember the airline seat pairing app?

          Read his entire post.

      2. Rustident Spaceniak
        Coat

        Re: Anyone remember the airline seat pairing app?

        So try looking innocent - at least until you're inside.

        Mine's the one with the pocket knife inside.

  13. kmac499

    Is it a sign of infidelity if you change hands,,? (Plus your fit bit would loose count.)

    1. Rustident Spaceniak

      depends where Mickey's big and small hands are...

  14. Crisp

    What's 3nders game?

    And how much will this app cost? If it's anything like other dating websites, women will be allowed to join for free while the guys have to stump up money.

    1. squigbobble

      Re: What's 3nders game?

      OKcupid is free for all (so you can message people for free) with charges for premium features. Core demographic seems to be twentysomethings.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Quick, Don Juan, tap thrice-

    There comes Donna Anna with murderous eyes!

  16. User McUser
    Joke

    Around the World

    "Triple tap the display to activate Emergency mode," the developers said. "This will let the Police know where you are and will also share the location of your date."

    Roxanne is Walking on the Moon on a Secret Journey under the Invisible Sun when her 3ndr date turns and says "Can't Stand Losing You" pulling her towards him.

    "Don't Stand so Close to Me!" she cries.

    "Every Breath You Take..." he starts to say, but she taps her justWatch three times and in short order she's So Lonely. Meanwhile her date feels like the King of Pain when all he wanted to say to her was "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" only now he's Driven to Tears. "Everything She Does is Magic!" he sobs.

    1. AbelSoul

      Re: Around the World

      Sounds like Roxanne would have been better off sending out a Message in a Bottle.

  17. Yugguy

    It seems like the right place to insert this joke:

    Can I use your dictaphone?

    NO! Use your fingers like everyone else.

  18. VinceH
    Coat

    "You can also hide by pressing the screen."

    Wait! What?

    Apple's justWatch comes with a personal cloaking device? Or is this a feature only brought to the device with this seedy app?

    If it's the latter, then perhaps they need to rethink the purpose and selling points of their app!

    1. Roj Blake Silver badge

      Maybe it expands the watch to an enormous size so you can stand behind it?

  19. humanist

    Humanist

    This application has been used in Japan for many years. Don't know if it is still popular though. Also, it was used on mobiles, not wrist watches.

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