Vampires and Ninjas versus the Alien Jedi Robot Pirates: It's ON For long ages past, the sages of the internet have debated one of the knottiest questions of modern times, namely: Who would win in a fight - pirates, or ninjas? Similarly, Hollywood has sought to determine whether Aliens or Predators (Predators of course are also aliens, technically the film should have been Aliens versus …
Are you sure you're talking about vampires and not my mother-in-law? She really is all of those. 94 and not showing signs of stopping, sensitive to any light and eats blood pudding. She also wanders about the house in totally darkness without making the faintest sound. I've suggested a cow bell for her own safety and my sanity but it didn't go down too well.
Well we have to include, real, film, game ect
The SAS, the best special forces in the world except for maybe the SBS
The Doctor, the best of the Timelords
Arnie, see Predator and Terminator 2, also those cool helicopters when he was a clone
Bruce Willis, because well lots, and howe many times has he saved the world.
Nathan Drake, beats pirates AND zombies
Yoda, because he is, and most of the other Jedis in the prequels were knobs.
The FAA before they lost their FA2s, because they are good
Johnny Rico
More when I think of them
Advantages of non organics in a fight are pretty high assuming a power source and proper programing, the only thing that would beat an advanced system like that would be a more advanced one IE alien robots. Huge advantage to have 1000 machines with one mind over 1000 minds in machines, they would be as limbs and work without as much communication down time. I mean think of it, why do the fighting units of militaries want similar minded obeying units, same reason, programed to act a certain way when given a command or in a situation. Side note radioactive, chemical, and biological weapons to top the sundae. Obvious weakness would be a lack of innovation 1000 minds can come up with more ideas then one.
I mean mind in the sense of origin of orders. A machine that could track more targets and attack them all with all their parts in chains and combos is more the idea I am talking about. Drone A attack target A on the way to target B while drone B attacks target C on the way to another strike on target A. System like that would be crazy hard to fight. The human mind would be overwhelmed by the amount of information needed to track everything.
I voted that there needs to be an extra poll to ensure that Morris Dancers get included.
But then I thought...hang on, if Morris Dancers are included then there's no need to continue the exercise since it's obvious that they would win. After all, anyone who can get up at crack of dawn on a May Mor-i-ning and dance right through the town hitting themselves with sticks, all after spending the previous night down the pub consuming countless pints of Spindle's Old Neuron-Dissolver until chucking-out time are obviously the world's ultimate Special Forces unit. They're so hard they don't even need to sneak around (unlike those cowardly softies the Ninjas), they can probably outdrink (and outsing) the Pirates and, as for the aliens, they'd probably still be standing there wondering WTF was going on when they suddenly found themselves with a hefty chunk of oak or yew shoved through their brain/neuronal nexus/whatever-they-think-with. Not to mention the terrifying noise from the accordian/squeeze-box/shawm/crumhorn/etc. that will disorient all enemies.
Yep, definitely Morris Dancers if you really want to be on the winning side I reckon...
If we are considering ninjas, surely the Law Of Conservation Of Ninjutsu suggests that there should only be one ninja.
I would link TVTropes on the subject, but it's not the end of the work day yet and I don't want to entirely destroy everyone's productivity.
On the subject of World War Z I think it should be pointed out that the world's militaries had little trouble dropping zombies by the horde once they accepted that zombies were not human. Both the shock and awe tactics and entire classes of conventional weaponry were utterly useless, but when they went back to the good old bolt action of yesteryear and focused on marksmanship above intimidation the zombies ceased to be a real threat. They pretty much wiped out all the zombies in the US with no more than a handful of casualties once they did that.
Movie? What movie?
Or accountants. Or even combat accountants. They'd win. Look at Aliens v Predators. They couldn't even get it on until lawyers had decided they could fight and who'd win.
Anyway.
Ninjas. Easily defeated by flour filled balloons in dark corners. Or balloons full of UV paint. See Predator 2 for more info, or the tragic tale of the Neon Ninja. Once dreamed of international infamy, now handing out flyers for Tokyo rave clubs.
Pirates. Move to Kansas, Nebraska or Switzerland. Simples.
Vampires. Especially emo vamps. Easily defeated by mirrors and shopping malls. For a species that apparently can't see their reflections, they appear to spend a lot of time on their looks. Beware the ones that look like HoboVampires as they're old-skool and extremly lethal.
Robots. If they have rounded corners, they're toast. Nanobots have more potential, although the fate of the G'Gugvuntts and Vl'hurgs shows the importance of proper invasion planning.
Zombies: corpses come to life, generally wanting to eat/maim/dismember people who haven't gone through the same process.
Vampires: corpses come to life, generally wanting to drink/maim/dismember people who haven't gone through the same process.
Mummies: REALLY OLD corpses come to life, generally wanting to maim/dismember people who were bad mannered enough to wake them up - or otherwise disturb their relaxation time. Oh, and generally have nicer living quarters than the other two.
So mummies are really just zombies (and possibly vampires) with a bit of age/experience/wisdom. Some are still keeping old mainframe systems running. Seems to me, they're among the "original" BOFHs. How are they not called out in the poll?
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