back to article RSA booked TV's Stephen Colbert to give the final speech. This is what happened next

Comedian Stephen Colbert closed down the RSA 2014 conference in San Francisco on Friday with a characteristically smart yet snarky roasting for his hosts, the NSA, and Edward Snowden. "RSA developed this conference in 1991 as a forum for cryptographers to gather and talk shop, and I assume breed with one another. Of course …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Almost enough to make me want to go to RSA

    If you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to hide. And since nothing can be hidden from the NSA, we must all be perfect!!

  2. Number6

    A Classic

    Well done Stephen Colbert. Just like the court jesters of old, who'd use humour as a sort of code to tell the King what his subjects were thinking. I wonder if we'll ever get a Youtube video of the whole thing?

    1. Mark 85

      Re: A Classic

      If we get the "whole thing", I wonder how much will be censo... err.. redact.... err.... lost due to technical errors.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A Classic

      Err no, this guy is attempting to cover his meaning with humour, and fails rather badly.

      A good bard would never have been so transparent.

      1. Vociferous

        Re: A Classic

        > A good bard would never have been so transparent.

        Medieval, and Chinese, bards are far less transparent than modern American ones, because the level of obfuscation is a function of how likely it is that someone will have you killed for saying it.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: A Classic

          More a case that we don't get the references that everybody with an education would have understood at the time.

          For instance, Gargantua et Pantagruel is actually a very funny and satirical book, but unless you know rather a lot about the 16th century in Europe, you won't see the point of almost any of it.

          Another example is that people often joke about Macaulays "As every schoolboy knows " remark. But it was in a magazine, and it was referring to an event which was about as famous then as, say, the crisis in the Ukraine is now. Context is everything.

      2. MrDamage Silver badge

        A good bard would never have been so transparent.

        While this is true, but why did he have to so thinly veil, or remove the veil, from his barbs in the first place?

        Think on it. If nobody at the NSA could think to themselves"hey, what we're doing is a bit dodgy", then they obviously lack the brain power to understand the obfuscated humour and logic of a good bard.

    3. pacman7de
      Big Brother

      Steven Colbert at RSA ..

      @Number6: "I wonder if we'll ever get a Youtube video of the whole thing?"

      Steven Colbert at RSA Part 1 .. Part 2

      1. Shannon Jacobs
        Holmes

        Re: Steven Colbert at RSA ..

        Thanks for the attempt, but... Apparently a smartphone video and he wasn't sitting close enough to any of the speakers to get a good recording? The snippets prove that a better recording exists, but I've also failed to find the full version...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Steven Colbert at RSA ..

        Americans have no desire for privacy anyway, he said. After all, they had voted for the people [Democrats] who voted in the Patriot Act, and who had renewed it twice.

        And Obama cheerfully signed it twice.

        Doh!

      3. Sandra Greer

        Re: Steven Colbert at RSA ..

        Too bad he was speaking in Klingon. Was that a sound system? Or encrypted stream?

  3. mike 32

    I know it's (largely) a free country and all, but...

    it does take immense balls to skewer ones' hosts like he does (case in point, Bush at the White House Press dinner a couple years back).

    Awesome!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I know it's (largely) a free country and all, but...

      it does take immense balls to skewer ones' hosts like he does (case in point, Bush at the White House Press dinner a couple years back).

      Yup - there will be few who can claim to have the cojones to do that. Especially since they were still happily shipping people to Gitmo in those days AFAIK..

    2. Vociferous

      Re: I know it's (largely) a free country and all, but...

      The White House Press dinner is the finest moment in comedy history.

    3. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: I know it's (largely) a free country and all, but...

      "it does take immense balls to skewer ones' hosts like he does (case in point, Bush at the White House Press dinner a couple years back)."

      Not exactly.

      The President is the guest of the White House Press Corp at those things.

      Obama I think handled his rather well.

      But he also seems to have a sense of humour.

  4. Winkypop Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    Good for him

    Im sure they recorded it all for his file.

    1. Ted 3

      Re: Good for him

      I am sure they have much juicier things in his file (esp if he indulged in any "private" Yahoo video chat).

      But yes, good on him. Sounds like it was a very funny piece he did.

  5. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

    Always trying to run the fine line of "it's not fascism when my progressive president does it".

    The guy's practically a war criminal - I don't understand how they could put him up for the same prize they once gave to Henry Kissinger

    or his rather more endearing darling Obama for that matter.

    1. ecofeco Silver badge

      Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

      How much you know about Kissinger?

      Trust me, that was funny.

      1. Dave Harvey

        Another comedian got Kissinger spot on a long time ago

        Tom Lehrer's reason for giving up comedy and going back to math(s):

        "Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. "

    2. Daniel B.
      Facepalm

      Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

      The humor seems to be lost on people that don't know (or refuse to believe) Kissinger was a war criminal. He's got a lot of blood on his hands.

      1. Vociferous

        Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

        > The humor seems to be lost on people that don't know (or refuse to believe) Kissinger was a war criminal

        Nah, he just wanted to get a dig in at Obama. It's reflexive, they can't help it.

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
          Thumb Down

          Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

          "Trust me, that was funny."

          Snort. It's only funny when you are less than 15 and haven't ever heard of Monty Python's Kissinger song. I have probably more books mentioning Kissinger on my immediate right than you have books on programming on C++.

          I couldn't care less about Kissinger at this point in time. Taking out old skeletons to cover up the present? Standard progressive debating tactic.

          What concerns me currently is the other war criminal (also an economic nincompoop and a political know-nothing relative to Kissinger) with a peace prize. He's currently droning from the White House.

          Or, to KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE

          Five years later, Obama’s commandants need a rewrite. Here’s what they should now look like and, barring surprises in the next three years, these, as written, will both be the virtual law of the land and constitute the Obama legacy.

          - Thou shalt not torture (but thou shalt leave the door open to the future use of torture).

          - Thou shalt detain forever.

          - Thou shalt live by limitless secrecy.

          - Thou shalt wage war everywhere and forever.

          - Thou shalt not punish those who have done bad things in the name of the national security state.

          1. Marshalltown

            The anger of the unrealistis and the uninformed

            You really need to actually read those books that mention Kissinger. If you don't learn from history, the only alternative educational system is hard knocks. Since possibly Nixon or Kennedy at least, there has been ample historical evidence that the president has come to be more and more the target for political darts, a scape goat, and has effectively nothing to do with running the country. The candidate runs for office, wins and then is informed in a secret briefing, "you are now owned." If you think about the campaign of John McCain, it seems pretty clear that he chose Palin as a running mate not because she was female, but because she was a lunatic and would guarantee he lost. A friend had come by and whispered truth about being president and he responded, "no thanks." The US government, like the UK's, consists of political mayflies who come and go, and career bureaucrats who aren't responsible to anyone. Complaining about the "promises" this president didn't keep is a waste unless you are willing to complain about the promises every president since Kennedy failed to keep.

          2. ecofeco Silver badge
            Holmes

            Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

            Obama’s commandants need a rewrite?

            - The torture was under Bush

            - Congress blocked closing Gitmo

            - You got the secrecy part right

            - Obama pulled the troops out of both countries with only a token remaining force until handover

            - Crimes in the name of national security weren't invented yesterday.

            Knee jerk much?

            1. Shrimpling

              Re: Obama vs Bush

              In the words of The Who:

              Meet the new boss

              Same as the old boss

          3. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

            Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

            Old skeletons? The citizens of at least Bangladesh, Indonesia and Chile would disagree with you. Although to be fair there are rather a lot of old skeletons as a result of his, er, diplomatic efforts.

      2. Marshalltown

        Re: Ah yes, Colbert. Another unfunny guy.

        One of the sad realities of the US these days is that the educational system really has failed. It persists in (mistakenly) encouraging every one passing through that their opinion is legitimate. I'm fairly sure this approach is behind the statistical rise in autism in the country. Psychological tests simply aren't sophisticated enough to differentiate between the actual condition and mindless self-centered egotism, but psychologists are certain their confidence in their tests is legitimate. The schools also fail to teach students to identify irony when they read, hear or see it.

  6. keithpeter Silver badge
    Windows

    Growing like Topsy

    "As for the NSA, he said that the agency showed that if you gave an organization unlimited budgets and no oversight the results were always fantastic. The NSA had built up an incredibly powerful and sophisticated organization that could be completely pwned by a 29-year old with a thumb drive."

    I liked that bit.

    Of course, we specialise in giving covert organisations effectively unlimited budgets with little oversight in the UK, but they seem better at not getting pwned.

    The tramp: you always get a whole seat on the bus if you don't wash

    1. SoaG

      Re: Growing like Topsy

      "but they seem better at not getting pwned."

      You're kidding, right?

      The MIs were practically subsidiaries of the KGB throughout the Cold War and there's absolutely nothing to suggest they're any less thoroughly infiltrated by foreign sympathizers now. Russians, Chinese, Iranians, etc. don't need a UK Snowden because they're already have a better FOI fulfillment rate than the UK public does.

      Still, better to be like the UK with a few bad apples in the intelligence agency than what we see here in Canada. Reams of files passed to the Soviets during the cold war? Entrusted to a Hell's Angels groupie in the '08? Having a fling with a Chinese spy in '10? Must be someone in Cabinet.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Growing like Topsy

        So presumably in the 80s, Mujaheddin would sidle upto young Cambridge homosexuals at sherry parties and persuade them to join the cause. These bright young things then rose to the heights of director of the intelligence agencies while keeping their commitment to revolutionary Islam, and their beards, secret.

        Rather like the dyslexic Oxbrige don who secretly recruited students to join MFI

        1. ecofeco Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Growing like Topsy

          "...and their beards, secret."

          I see what you did there.

          Have an upvote.

      2. Suburban Inmate
        Big Brother

        Re: Growing like Topsy

        There's no need for the Chinese to p\/\//\/ our MIs, they have the world by the bollocks financially so they have control of governments as a result.

        1. JeffyPoooh
          Pint

          Re: Growing like Topsy

          Re: The Chinese have the "...world by the bollocks..."

          If you owe the bank $10,000, then you have a problem.

          If you owe the bank $17,000,000,000,000, then it's the bank that has the problem.

    2. Vociferous

      Re: Growing like Topsy

      > but they seem better at hushing up the press when they get pwned

      FTFY.

    3. Kubla Cant

      Re: Growing like Topsy

      completely pwned by a 29-year old with a thumb drive

      I liked that bit, too. But it made me wonder how to use "pwned" in speech, rather than writing.

      1. foo_bar_baz

        Re: Growing like Topsy

        They pronounce it "poned", sadly.

  7. Buzzword

    "This is what happened next."

    Christ, since when did El Reg turn into Upworthy-style click-bait?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      You won't believe how icredibly shocked you are at these 25 INSANE clickbait Register headlines!

    2. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Re: Upworthy-style click-bait

      Ah, that was my fault. I couldn't help myself. You know we hate UpWorthy headlines, so I'm going to play the it-was-an-ironic-gesture-on-a-friday-afternoon-after-a-week-of-RSA-conference-hangovers card.

      C.

  8. Tom 35

    Unless you don't live in the US.

    "he'd also disclosed how much the US was spying on the rest of the world, which wasn't helpful."

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

      "he'd also disclosed how much the US was spying on the rest of the world"

      Er, no, he hadn't. The rest of the world already knew that the NSA had a mid-blowing budget, legal powers to secretly compel US companies to provide unlimited access to customer data, *most* of the world's computing power (by any measure) and was tasked with hoovering up as much as they could about the rest of the world. So what kind of idiot would you have to be to have been surprised by the "revelation" that they were doing it.

      Sorry, but the only bit that surprised the rest of the world was the bit where apparently the NSA regards their fellow Americans as "the enemy" as well as the rest of the human race.

      1. Charles 9

        Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

        Not even after Waco, Ruby Ridge, and ESPECIALLY Oklahoma City, all perpretrated by natural-born Americans?

        1. Vociferous

          Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

          > Waco, Ruby Ridge, and ESPECIALLY Oklahoma City

          The US collectively pretends there is no domestic right-wing terrorism, to avoid encouraging copycats. Acts of domestic terrorism by rightwingers are fairly common in the US, but never ever reported as such, usually no mention of motive is given at all. E.g. this guy is a libertarian/conspiracy theorist who'd overdosed on Prisonplanet propaganda, but search as you might you'll never find that mentioned in mainstream media. This guy was much the same, and even though he left notes explaining the political motives for his attack you will not find this attack referred to as a terror attack.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

            The right wingers moan, the right wingers bitch:

            Our rich are too poor, our poor are too rich.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

            Not clear what the point is here, unless it is that the authorities don't do enough spying to catch the presumed right wing terrorists.

            On the other hand, although bombing the Oklahoma City FOB certainly was a terrorist action but both the Ruby Ridge and Waco events were badlyh botched actions by the FBI and ATF, respectively. They might have thought the targets were terrorists, but the real terror came from the government. Note that the NSA was not involved in any of them.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

              But they WERE perpetrated by anti-government radicals: the kind who would prefer to declare their patch of land sovereign territory outside the US's jurisdiction. BECAUSE they were anti-government, they defied the feds and basically made a stand. NO government likes that kind of attitude, so they responded. While no Oklahoma City, they DO represent the kind of domestic radical that can give rise to events like Oklahoma city. They're enemies WITHIN, meaning the government HAS to keep watch for them, if not for their own sake then to avoid having to explain things to survivors when the next big one comes from a domestic rather than foreign terrorist. And given how things are progressing, there may come a day (sooner rather than later) when one man can ruin an entire government with one attack.

      2. Vociferous

        Re: Unless you don't live in the US.

        > the only bit that surprised the rest of the world was the bit where apparently the NSA regards their fellow Americans as "the enemy"

        And ironically that is also the only bit americans care about. Anyone who thinks any of the proposed changes will have any effect for anyone who is not that most exalted of beings, a ~: US CITIZEN :~, is sorely mistaken.

        Then again, everyone, and especially brits, should be clear about that they are still far more at risk from being spied upon by their own government, than by the NSA.

  9. henrydddd
    Thumb Down

    This guy is a dork and Snowden is a hero.

    1. Vociferous
      Facepalm

      People like you make me despair for humanity.

      How do you survive in this world? Who ties your shoelaces?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Carefully and with shoes that don't use laces.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sheep and tradeable women?

    Ignoring the obvious, he should invest in cigarettes, booze, and toilet paper (tools of the trade being a truckload of 0.22 (or maybe 5.56) with projectors of your choice).

    Sheep and tradeable women are perishable, the latter having a mind of their own which is inconvenient; additionally in the short term the former are more edible for most people. That just leaves baser uses but even then you could just turn off the lights... .

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sheep and tradeable women?

      If he's got sheep, why does he need "tradable women"? Seems luxuriously redundant. Especially since sheep can survive on grass and water.

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