back to article Boffins: Bonkless Brits fondling slabs, not each other

Brits are doing it less often than they did twenty years ago, according to researchers from University College, London – and one reason could be the fragmentation of home life. The depressing datum, especially if it were replicated around the world, is that from a mean of 6.2 encounters per month for men and 6.3 for women in …

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  1. ecofeco Silver badge
    Joke

    No surprise

    Your fondle slab doesn't require alimony, child support or expensive dinners, does it?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No surprise

      My technology doesn't have a major strop every 28 days. It costs a minimal amount to run. Doesn't care if i am unshaven, doesn't moan about the loo seat and , in its own electronic way understands that vehicles require fuel, tax, insurance, maintainance and dont run on fucking pixie dust. All in all i'd rather have my tech gear than be saddled with some croning old witch. Which i am.

      Even my phone vibrates when i insert something into it.

      1. LyingMan

        Re: No surprise

        Hmm.. my phone mildly vibrates when I push the (keyboard) buttons... and she is not called siri!

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: No surprise

          my phone mildly vibrates when I push the ... buttons.

          Works for women too, you just need to know where the right buttons are (it varies according to model)...

          1. codejunky Silver badge

            Re: No surprise

            "Works for women too, you just need to know where the right buttons are (it varies according to model)..."

            And there is no help command. I have never met any model that could explain itself (requirements, process, anything). At some point I must plug in a terminal and type help.

            1. WraithCadmus
              Paris Hilton

              Re: No surprise

              > And there is no help command

              $ man woman

              1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
                Coat

                Re: No surprise

                $ man woman

                No manual entry for woman.

                $

                Hmm, that's not been my experience...

              2. Captain DaFt

                $ man woman

                Gives this response on my distro:

                http://linux.die.net/HOWTO/Encourage-Women-Linux-HOWTO/x168.html

                1. codejunky Silver badge

                  Re: $ man woman

                  @ Captain DaFt

                  I started reading but wow is there a bee in the bonnet. Wow. I got a few paragraphs down and was still waiting to see where it had anything to do with getting a woman into linux.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    4.8 times a month?

    The statistician must have been an optimist.

    1. Richard 81

      No reported standard deviation though. I know of a few very prolific individuals who'll no doubt push the mean up.

  3. auburnman

    2001 was not twenty years ago unless I got some bloody amazing sleep last night. Were we in recession in the period that most recent numbers are being compared to? I seem to remember sex increases when money is tight as it is cheap entertainment (Depending on your date of course.)

  4. Great Bu

    "fewer people in the population married or cohabiting and so having less opportunity to have sex"

    Clearly the researcher is not married then..........

    I thought "4.9 times a month ! Where do they fit in the other 3.9 times that I don't get ?"

    (Also, is the 0.9 when you start but then pull out and bap spaff ?)

    1. MrVerbal

      Re: "fewer people in the population married or cohabiting

      "(Also, is the 0.9 when you start but then pull out and bap spaff ?)"

      No, it's when you're still at it at midnight on the last night of the month...

  5. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Joke

    "I haven't had sex in 300 years ..."

    "... 310 if you include my marriage"

    Woody Allen - "Sleeper"

  6. Swiss

    How about a fondleslap* party?

    *I meant slab....

  7. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Wzrd1 Silver badge

      Re: Treat them alike.

      "Just give your partner the exact same attention as the fondle slab & everything will be good."

      Won't work. You also have to TALK to the woman and listen to her as well.

      Worked well for us, 32 years of marriage, next month.

      The honeymoon resumed when the kids moved out of the house. :)

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I just love

    All these surveys that quote different numbers of men and women. If you count out the homosexual relationships then these two numbers have just got to match, it takes two to tango as they say. Either that of there are a lot more threesomes/moresomes going on that the researchers are finding out about.

    So the main thing we can learn is that there are a lot of people not telling the truth to surveys. Is this news?

  9. Mark 85
    Paris Hilton

    Per Lazerus Long

    "Everyone lies about sex". If the researchers can get past this, then there statistics will mean something. Until then, Paris may or may not have the answer.

  10. John Tserkezis

    Wait: "Gross Monthly nookie incident index", is there really such a thing?

    And if so, like some of the other posters, I'd like to debate the accuracy of those "official" numbers.

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