back to article Oz sawbones extract fork from old boy's todger: Gents, start your wincing

Sawbones at Canberra Hospital have published an illuminating, if eye-watering, account of how they extracted a 10cm fork from a septuagenarian's penis. According to the report by doctors Krishanth Naidu, Maurice Mulcahy and Amanda Chung, published in the The International Journal of Surgery (PDF, images NSFW), "a 70-year-old …

COMMENTS

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  1. Captain DaFt

    OW!

    Just how desperate do you have to be for a little action to jam a freakin' fork up there?

    Doctor should have tattooed a reminder on the gentleman's tackle, 'No Entry!'

    1. Khaptain Silver badge

      Re: OW!

      The doctor considered the idea of extracting the fork without an anaesthetic but was worried that the patient would enjoy the procedure......

      I just measured a fork, approx 28mm wide, 193mm long..... That's a painfully large object to have stuck inside your stomach never mind your penis.

      What's next a piece of cactus...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: OW!

      Four candles, or fork handles?

    3. Martin Budden Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: OW!

      The poor old fella couldn't find anyone to spoon with.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Forkin' 'ell

    I blame the declining quality of free to air TV in Australia.

  3. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

    ...a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including "[...] cocaine...

    Nice.

  4. Thorne

    I heard the slogan "Get some pork on your fork" but this is taking it too far......

  5. gregthecanuck
    Trollface

    Gives new meaining to "A fork in the road".

    WTF - Where's The Fork?

    Looks like they removed it just in tine..

    1. Andrew Moore

      fork in hell...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What a dick...

  7. hplasm
    Happy

    Fork me!

    Ow. What a forkin dick...

  8. Chris G

    Nothing like variety!

    From the article;

    a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including "needles, pencils, ball point pens, pen lids, garden wire, copper wire, speaker wire, safety pins, Allen keys), wire-like objects (telephone cables, rubber tubes, feeding tubes, straws, string), toothbrushes, household batteries, light bulbs, marbles, cotton tip swabs, plastic cups, thermometers, plants and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, beans, hay, bamboo sticks, grass leaves), parts of animals (leeches, squirrel tail, snakes, bones), toys, pieces of latex gloves, blue tack, Intrauterine Contraceptive Devices (IUCD), tampons, pessaries, powders (cocaine), fluids (glue, hot wax).

    I am assuming all of these 'insertions' have occured in OZ a list of over forty different apparently erotic aids, you have to admire the Diggers for their imagination even if it's use is a little cringe making.

    It reminds me of one of the Wilt books by Tom Sharpe but I can't remember which title it was.

    1. BenR
      Gimp

      Re: Nothing like variety!

      From the article;

      "a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including ... vegetables (carrot, cucumber) ... parts of animals (leeches, squirrel tail, snakes) ... fluids (glue, hot wax).

      O.o

      The mind boggles.

      Icon, well, because.

    2. Great Southern Land

      Re: Nothing like variety!

      You're probably thinking of "The Throwback", also by Tom Sharpe. A character in that found himself rolling on a condom that had been greased on the inside with caustic oven cleaner. The police found him using a cheese grater in an attempt to get the swelling to go down.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    That's forkin' nuts!!

    Admit it, you're jealous that I said it first.....

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    At least

    it wasn't 4 candles....

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Auditioning for a bit part on Dr. Who

    HTF do you get a cucumber up your todger? Even if it's Tardis like and bigger on the inside than out it still needs to get through the effing hole.

  12. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge

    Amongst the list of 'other considerations' from the article....

    ...thorough evaluation of motivation and psychosocial issues...

    Job for life, there....

  13. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

    I just realised...

    Have a look at the x-ray again and think about what spatial orientation would be required for it to look like that.

  14. Cliff

    Cucumbers? Glue?

    I am clearly getting something very wrong.

  15. Johnny Canuck

    kinda gives new meaning

    to the phrase "stick a fork in him...he's done".

  16. Alan Ferris
    Coat

    Aussies!

    It's "Holistic", not "Wholistic"

    What is the world coming to?

  17. Just_this_guy

    At least he came clean (as it were).

    He could have gone for an excuse:

    "I'm studying to be a fakir, working my way up to a bed of nails by first sleeping on a bed of cutlery, and I rolled at a bad angle..."

    "I was eating steak and wanted to add more sauce, so I already had a knife in one hand and a spoon in the other. I had to put the fork SOMEwhere..."

    "I planned to put a knife in my mouth wired to the fork, to test my performance as an electrolyte."

    "I wanted to avoid a forced marriage."

    "My wife already had a similar problem with a jacket potato, so I was trying to drag it out..."

    "Oh my, I've been looking for that all day!"

  18. Martin Maloney
    Coat

    Fire your headline writer...

    ...and hire me.

    Codger Todger Fork Up

  19. W(b)
    Coat

    For an x-ray of a 70 year old, his bones look very healthy. Oh... except that one...

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "...if you're still reading by this point."

    You're kidding, right?

    This was almost as good as firsthand.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What else are you supposed to use on the old Meat and Two Veg!?!? Where he went wrong was no use of Gravy...

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Having had a ureteroscopy (ie a camera shoved into my bladder) a few months ago, I can't imagine how anyone can get off on this. It just hurts.

  23. M Gale

    "The patient voided well"

    Medical speak for "as soon as we unplugged it, it went off like a fire hose."

    No bloody wonder. That looks like a mighty full bladder on that X ray.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "The patient voided well"

      > No bloody wonder.

      I imagine there probably was some. I bet it stung :(

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Maybe...

    After working out he could practice auto-fellatio he tried to eat use his cock to eat spaghetti...

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "...with the handle oriented proximally"

    I rather fear the good gentleman may take this as a challenge.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re. RE. OW!!

    I've heard of forkinthehead but never forkinthetodger...

    That has GOT to hurt.

    AC

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Canberra - so good they named it once

    The explanation for this otherwise bizarre behaviour is simple and can be found in the old joke:

    "We had two children - one is alive, one in Canberra."

    1. Martin Budden Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Canberra - so good they named it once

      Canberra - the name means "the hollow between a woman's breasts". I'm not sure if this fact is in any way relevant to either the story or your post, nevertheless I like to mention it as often as possible.

  28. FredScummer

    This is yet another confirmation that I must have led a very sheltered life. I mean, I find it very gruesome that many people shove pins thru their nose or hang a loop on their lip. But shoving something up your todger? Could someone please explain in words of single syllables where on earth would one expect to get sexual pleasure from something like this?

    Good job he wasn't trying it with a stanley knife!

  29. Rogan Paneer

    Gender Equality

    Not surprising, really. A few days ago the media was awash with advice from the UK Government that UK women who feared that they were about to be flown back to South Asia for a forced marriage should put a metal spoon down their knickers, so that they would set off the airport metal detectors, and thus be saved by airport authorities.

    Clearly, this 70 year old was afraid that he was about to be abducted, flown to South Asia, and forced into marriage.

  30. Mega Moo
    Coat

    Hickory

    Hickory Dickory Dock

    I shoved a fork up my cock

    I can't move it now

    after my erection went down

    And now I'm at the doc.

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