OW!
Just how desperate do you have to be for a little action to jam a freakin' fork up there?
Doctor should have tattooed a reminder on the gentleman's tackle, 'No Entry!'
Sawbones at Canberra Hospital have published an illuminating, if eye-watering, account of how they extracted a 10cm fork from a septuagenarian's penis. According to the report by doctors Krishanth Naidu, Maurice Mulcahy and Amanda Chung, published in the The International Journal of Surgery (PDF, images NSFW), "a 70-year-old …
The doctor considered the idea of extracting the fork without an anaesthetic but was worried that the patient would enjoy the procedure......
I just measured a fork, approx 28mm wide, 193mm long..... That's a painfully large object to have stuck inside your stomach never mind your penis.
What's next a piece of cactus...
From the article;
a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including "needles, pencils, ball point pens, pen lids, garden wire, copper wire, speaker wire, safety pins, Allen keys), wire-like objects (telephone cables, rubber tubes, feeding tubes, straws, string), toothbrushes, household batteries, light bulbs, marbles, cotton tip swabs, plastic cups, thermometers, plants and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, beans, hay, bamboo sticks, grass leaves), parts of animals (leeches, squirrel tail, snakes, bones), toys, pieces of latex gloves, blue tack, Intrauterine Contraceptive Devices (IUCD), tampons, pessaries, powders (cocaine), fluids (glue, hot wax).
I am assuming all of these 'insertions' have occured in OZ a list of over forty different apparently erotic aids, you have to admire the Diggers for their imagination even if it's use is a little cringe making.
It reminds me of one of the Wilt books by Tom Sharpe but I can't remember which title it was.
You're probably thinking of "The Throwback", also by Tom Sharpe. A character in that found himself rolling on a condom that had been greased on the inside with caustic oven cleaner. The police found him using a cheese grater in an attempt to get the swelling to go down.
He could have gone for an excuse:
"I'm studying to be a fakir, working my way up to a bed of nails by first sleeping on a bed of cutlery, and I rolled at a bad angle..."
"I was eating steak and wanted to add more sauce, so I already had a knife in one hand and a spoon in the other. I had to put the fork SOMEwhere..."
"I planned to put a knife in my mouth wired to the fork, to test my performance as an electrolyte."
"I wanted to avoid a forced marriage."
"My wife already had a similar problem with a jacket potato, so I was trying to drag it out..."
"Oh my, I've been looking for that all day!"
This is yet another confirmation that I must have led a very sheltered life. I mean, I find it very gruesome that many people shove pins thru their nose or hang a loop on their lip. But shoving something up your todger? Could someone please explain in words of single syllables where on earth would one expect to get sexual pleasure from something like this?
Good job he wasn't trying it with a stanley knife!
Not surprising, really. A few days ago the media was awash with advice from the UK Government that UK women who feared that they were about to be flown back to South Asia for a forced marriage should put a metal spoon down their knickers, so that they would set off the airport metal detectors, and thus be saved by airport authorities.
Clearly, this 70 year old was afraid that he was about to be abducted, flown to South Asia, and forced into marriage.