back to article Rate-my-boink app scores frisky fanbois, fangurlz' SCREAMS, VIBRATIONS

Spreadsheets are pretty much the unsexiest invention since the chastity belt, but one app developer is hoping the idea of analysing their own performance in the bedroom will appeal to a generation of selfie-taking fanbois. A new bit of software called Spreadsheets is now on sale in Apple's app store, an online space that's …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't know where they're getting their condoms

    But $2.99 seems a bit of a high "cost per lay".

    eBay is your friend!

    1. Steven Raith
      Joke

      Re: I don't know where they're getting their condoms

      eBay condoms - the real reason for the recent explosion in population?

      Alright, I'm going, I'm going....

      Steven R

      1. andreas koch
        Paris Hilton

        support question

        Can anyone help? I have a friend in Bangor who wants to know if it recognises bleating.

        1. Danny 14
          Paris Hilton

          Re: support question

          plus if they put the phone in their wellies it might not register correctly.

          come to think of it, where are you supposed to put your phone?

          1. IsJustabloke
            Coat

            Re: support question

            RE "where are you supposed to put your phone?

            Women come with a built in bike rack it should adapt to holding a smartphone or an iphone quiet easily.

            er... ok stop pushing..... I'm leaving.

  2. Ralph B
    Paris Hilton

    Big Data

    Here's looking forward to when they start sharing their data with FaceBook and/or TripAdvisor.

  3. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    But why? What's it with the sex craze these days? Isn't there anything on TV?

    Obligatory "decibel peak"

  4. ElReg!comments!Pierre
    Meh

    Decibel peak?

    More like decibel peakS I would hope. Also, the dB level varies wildly from person to person and with the mood, hardly an objective measurement.

    Also-also 40 min gets you a shiny? Pah! The yoof nowadays. Perhaps that's why they make anesthesing rubbers. After having made ultra-thin, ribbed etc ones for "better sensations"... go figure.

    Good thing it's Friday, too*.

    *due to my current physical location, it kinda is

    1. Your Majesty
      Pint

      Virtual Friday?

      Greece perhaps?

    2. Robert Helpmann??
      Childcatcher

      Re: Decibel peak?

      Also, the dB level varies wildly from person to person and with the mood, hardly an objective measurement.

      No, it is an objective measurement. The problem I think you are expressing is that an objective measurement is probably not useful in a situation in which the subjective experience is more pertinent.

  5. Locky

    Monitors data from user’s movement through the accelerometer?

    You're defiantly holding that wrong

    1. Anonymous Custard
      Joke

      Re: Monitors data from user’s movement through the accelerometer?

      I was more wondering how they were holding it at all, or indeed where it had been shoved to be hands-free still.

      Pass the brain bleach please...

      1. Dave 126

        Re: Monitors data from user’s movement through the accelerometer?

        Presumably, v2.0 will support one of those Bluetooth pedometer wristband/dongle thingies like the Nike 'Fuelband'.

  6. Graham Marsden
    Coat

    Hmm...

    ... I can envision some professional ladies introducing a new version of "Pay per Bonk"...

    1. Jedit Silver badge
      Devil

      "professional ladies introducing a new version"

      Seems more likely than an attempt to use credit cards.

      "American Express?"

      *swipe*

      "That'll do nicely, sir."

      I'll leave it to your imagination where a naked lady might swipe the card.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "professional ladies introducing a new version"

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZF-U9nL9Ios

  7. thesykes

    "The app's designers also claim that fanbois have more fun than the rest of us, boasting twice as many lovers by the age of 30 than users of other mobiles."

    Incredible sex gods or totally useless and once is enough for their unlucky partners?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @thesykes

      >Incredible sex gods or totally useless

      Neither, it means Apple fanbois are ambidextrous whereas Android fanbois only use one hand.

      Or, more likely, the app's designers are lying.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @thesykes

        There was some survey that made the news a couple years ago that said iPhone owners had twice as much sex or twice as many partners or something like that than owners of other phones.

        That may no longer be true, since Android has reached such penetration (sorry about that) that it approximates the average of the general public. Well, minus our grandparents, few of whom have either smartphones or sex.

        1. Ted Treen
          Coat

          Re: @thesykes

          My Grandad told me last night that he hadn't had sex since 1959...

          Mind you, it was probably no great shakes, as it was only 2015 and we were in the pub by then...

  8. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    FAIL

    "so a man has evidence that he's actually managed to do the deed"

    If you need an app to tell you that, you're "skills" are nothing to boast about.

  9. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

    "...or trio - hey, we don't know your life..."

    Thanks. I have two penises, so I really do need two partners.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ... and now, a man with 3 buttocks

      1. Stumpy
        Megaphone

        Stop that it's silly

  10. Magnus_Pym

    rating system?

    So hammering away like a fiddlers elbow for 40 minutes while shouting at the top of your voice is rated as the best sex? I'm not sure I'd fully buy into that as a good rating system and it makes me wonder if any real product testing or indeed any 'expert' knowledge was involved in its development.

    I'd be looking at something based on the partners heart rate. Heart rate monitors can be quite cheap and unobtrusive these days and surely the duration of elevated rate and the peak rate achieved would give a better indication of 'quality'. There would obviously have to be an extensive period of product testing before being released to the public.

    Hmm. might take that on Dragons Den.

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: rating system?

      It's a program written by software engineers... I doubt there's much expert knowledge going into it...

  11. Don Jefe

    Sex or Murder?

    How will it know those are screams of passion and not screams of terror and pain coming from the hitchhiker in the basement? A good hobo strangling generates a lot of the same (to an accelerometer) motion as a good round of sex. This whole thing could be highly embarrassing if the app can't tell the difference.

    1. Danny 14
      Joke

      Re: Sex or Murder?

      create a new app called "rate my hobo murder", that should avoid confusion.

    2. hammarbtyp
      Gimp

      Re: Sex or Murder?

      I am curious to know where you got your results for that comparison. On second thoughts perhaps some things are best kept secret

    3. Nigel 11
      Alert

      Re: Sex or Murder?

      Or a labourer having fun? (Strap the phone to the handles of a pneumatic drill ...)

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: Sex or Murder?

        Mr. Plinkett, is that you?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No point

    My app would be blank... (sigh)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No point

      You're happily married as well then?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I went to the zoo with my wife and son; the elephants we saw could have used this app.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    evergreen contraceptive that is EastEnders.

    God that takes me back, I used to have a mad girl friend that used to love to ride while watching East Enders. I never realised that it was supposed to be a contraceptive but it was enough to put me put a guy sufficiently off his stride that impregnation was unlikely to happen.

  15. lglethal Silver badge
    Facepalm

    I'm waiting...

    I'm waiting for the first time the company get sued by some daft American git who gets caught out by his wife/girlfriend after rating the sex he was having with his mistress/random slapper from the bar.

    1. Dazed and Confused
      Trollface

      Re: I'm waiting...

      Or for someone to bring out an app that lets prospective partners filter based on ratings.

      "I'd love to go out with you, really I would, but I can't. You scored high enough on the spoil me factor with the Gold Amex card, but your iPhone tells me you're a lousy F*&k"

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Features

    Does it hook into Game Centre, with some sort of "Challenge your friends" option?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    I won't ask if this app.....

    Automatically sets your phone to vibrate!

    (Paris--because I am sure she's going to need her own server!!)

  18. LordHighFixer

    A whole new meaning

    for when she says " I have a strap-on I would like to try".....

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