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back to article Ohio man cuffed for shagging picnic table

An Ohio man has admitted to four felony counts of public indecency after a neighbour caught him on camera having sex with a picnic table, local news outfit WTOL11 reports. Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions "between the hours of 10:30 am and noon". A video of his last furniture …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    so

    was he shagging his own picnic table in his garden or somebody elses picnic table? i think that's a pretty central fact to my opinion here.

    I mean it's just not on to go to a park and shag someone elses picnic table.

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  2. lansalot
    Go

    :O

    To be fair, I did see a picture of the table in question - and it was definitely asking for it...

    He could have at least brought it dinner first though...

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  3. Roger Lancefield
    Coat

    Sex offenders Register?

    When a man shags a picnic table, that is not news, but if a picnic table shags a man ...

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Impressive...

    Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions "between the hours of 10:30 am and noon"

    Four times in 90 minutes? Mighty impressive, Sir.

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  5. Andrew Carpenter
    Stop

    Is nothing safe!?

    First bicycles, then vacuum cleaners, and now picnic tables.

    Where will it end?

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  6. Fatty Treats

    sex

    FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids.

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  7. Torbjørn
    IT Angle

    Interesting news... but

    I can see how this is a news on the side of things, but I have to admit I fail to see the IT angle here... unless ofcourse the table was Vista compliant or indeed a Wifi-antenna...

    Oooor the newest iSex addon til the naughty iPod/iPhone.........

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  9. Les Matthew
    Thumb Up

    Love it!

    "provided police with hard evidence of Price's perversion."

    fnar fnar frnar.

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  10. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    >Interesting news... but

    He was clearly attempting a difficult join on the table..

    Surely this could all be sorted out with a simple rollback?

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  11. Dennis
    Unhappy

    Re: Impressive...

    "Four times in 90 minutes? Mighty impressive, Sir."

    No. He had to keep stopping to get the splinters out.

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  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I see...

    The picnic table on my patio has a hole for the parasol. Must be at least 3" diameter. So, glad to see he's only average size only then.

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  13. Peter
    IT Angle

    IT angle

    Mayble it was a special version of Microsoft Surface. If not, the adult industry might want to patent the idea.

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  14. cor
    Paris Hilton

    Basket case?

    - Cucumber sandwiches anyone?

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  15. Jamie
    Paris Hilton

    Think of the table please.

    Has any organization gone out to talk to the table to work through this horrible violation of its civil liberties and to help it deal so that it does not in turn offend when it gets a bit older.

    Com'on if it was Paris there would be videos everywhere.

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  16. cor

    dontcha love google ads?

    Check out the bottom of the page ....Google ads:

    Folding Picnic Table

    Folding Picnic Table Info. Easy Folding Picnic Table Guide.

    Picnic products for sale

    Tool, cooler, chair, bag, mat Premium shopping, factory price.

    -------- Incitement to commit a crime?

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  17. Elmer Phud

    Holy Grail

    'Knights of the Round Table' somehow takes on a different meaning.

    Could have been worse - what if the urge took him while visiting a garden centre?

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  18. Pete
    Happy

    It was all just a misunderstanding...

    His wife had asked him to "lay the table"...

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  19. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Ewww

    Well no salad cream at his garden parties then

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  20. Dave

    Won't someone think of the children?

    FTFA: Some neighbours are reportedly worried that Price's three school-age kids might take some stick if their school friends get wind of the scandal.

    Hmmm, so is telling a TV reporter that Art Price Jr. has 3 children at the school down the road really the best way of preventing the school friends from finding out?

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  21. Chris Collins

    A man and his table is sacred

    Charging him with porking his table near a school is a bit much. I think we've all had a tug at some point in vague proximity to something else that may not appreciate the aesthetics of the performance. was the table itself underage? And exactly who has been harmed by this sweet, sweet lovin'?

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  22. Tim

    At last

    The Victorian practice of covering table legs has been vindicated.

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  23. Adam

    Between 10:30am and noon

    Surely the kids would all have been in school?

    Also, there's little chance a miner would have seen it as they're usually down t'pit at that time.

    Mine's the table cloth with a hole in the middle...

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  24. cor
    Paris Hilton

    But what...

    ..will the parasol say when he gets home?

    Will the tables be turned?

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  25. Jamie
    Paris Hilton

    Never thought of the parasol

    Maybe he was jealous of the action the parasol was getting,

    Maybe he needed to loosen up the hole a bit, add some grease so to say,

    Meybe he was upset as the parasol turned down his advances.

    Paris, cause well it is sex and now floating the internet.

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  26. James Radley
    Joke

    Top police humour

    Does anyone else think something might be amiss when Captain "Johnson" says "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

    Which for a story about a man pleasuring himself using the umbrella hole in a picnic table is so apt....

    Mines the one with the toy police badge pinned to it.

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  27. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    The I.T. angle explained....

    It was a Pivot Table ?

    Sorry..

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  28. Simp

    A new sexual level

    If a man has to turn to shagging a picnic table, his wife must be one stone cold lass. Before resorting to a picnic table i can only imagine he built his wife the pyramids to try and get a slice.

    Either that or was just warming the table for afternoon drinks

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  29. Jonathan Richards

    SQL

    INSERT TOJR INTO TABLE; DROP TABLE

    EXPLAIN PLAN...

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  30. James Chidley
    Coat

    Threesome?

    One has to wonder if the umbrella pole was *In* on the act.

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  31. Tim
    Coat

    Never mind third base

    Looks like he got all the way to Homebase.

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  32. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Just following ancient cowboy advice ?

    "A woman's like cactus and cactus can hurt

    'Cause she's just a tight-waisted winky-eyed flirt

    She'll soon have your land and your pride and your gold

    And bury you deep long before you grow old

    A four legged friend, a four legged friend

    He'll never let you down

    He's honest and faithful right up to the end

    That wonderful one-two-three-four legged friend"

    http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/a/afourleggedfriend.shtml

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  33. Harry Stottle

    Was It Public Or Private?

    The critical question here (in line with the first commenter above) is whether it was a public or private performance. I can concede the complaint if it was public, but if it was private, what business is it of any third party?

    Or are we supposed to assume that anything which can be captured on video by nosy neighbours is automatically public from now on?

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  34. VampyreWolf

    Hole size?

    Uh... how big was the hole? I don't know about you guys but the hole in my table is only 1.5" across...

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  35. Mr B
    Coat

    Temperature

    @VampyreWolf: Observed temperatures in Bellevue, OH on March the 14th: 34-45°F (1-7°C) that might explain.

    But that may also point out to nosy neighbours, in that weather on a metal table he'd have had a hard time to get hard, the guy might have invited the picnic table in, hence the uttermost arousal of the table & partner having sex in uncanny locations ... hmmm ... I'm getting carried away ... sorry.

    Forgot to mention the guy's children's names: Al-Desk, Bench-amin & Chair-y.

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  36. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    And this would feel good how?

    So, how horny do you have to be, to be able to achieve orgasm by shoving your penis in either a splintery, hard table, or a cold steel tube? Never mind, not too sure I want to know...

    So, he's dumped Rosie Palms & is now taken up with Patty O'Furniture.

    ...mine's the straitjacket.

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  37. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Why oh why....

    ...has nobody comments on what the police officer says "While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour"

    NORMALLY????

    FKN NORMALLY???? if there was ever an adjective used in completely the wrong way then this must take the biscuit.

    Ahhh... my mistake, 'Normal' is such a subjective word... as in Normal for Norfolk... and now obviously Normal for America.. i learn such alot on El Reg.....

    Paris Hilton because she might have been lying on the aforementioned table with Harry Potters cloak of invisibility on

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  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well...

    Bellevue is about 30 minutes from here and I hear about it from a UK website? Twice in one month? First the incident in Ft. Wayne and now, just down the road? You bastards!

    If Mr. Price committed that act in this city, he probably would have been shot.

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  39. Jeff
    Paris Hilton

    Take some stick... Captain Johnson

    Is is an April Fool's joke a day early?

    Paris because she has taken a lot of stick, been captain of many johnsons, and probably been friendly with a few umbrella poles.

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  40. Richard Freeman
    Alien

    Hang on - who is the Perv here?

    The Bloke shagging the table - or the chap videoing him shagging the table in the privacy of his Backyard.....

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  41. Simpson

    Guests

    I keep thinking about his friends and guests.

    "I was just there, wish I hadn't eaten that potato that fell off my plate"

    "Just what did he mean, by ' I love this new table?'"

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  42. Ryan Greenaway
    IT Angle

    Just maybe...

    ...he was unable to afford the new play tables the kids had wanted to play picnic with, and this was the only way he could think of getting new little tables.

    This then begs the question as to why he was sodomising the table? Surely if the table was on all fours (as most tables are) then he would have been going through the back door (as it were). Someone really needs to explain this to the chap.

    Mind you, some experience of sodomy might stand him in good stead for a stint in prison.

    IT angle, if he was trying to create tables, "Access" would've been a lot easier.

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  43. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    April Fools??

    This sounds like an APril Fools joke to me, if not, this man needs to have a good word with himself!

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  44. george abney

    Well.....I MUST SAY....

    The table HOLE surely gave him a better time than his frigid wife AND

    at the very WORST, the public display was at LEAST as clean as the rubbish they force on our children disguised as Sex Education!

    Three CHEERS for the tableFocker!

    He must have been uncircumcised or the friction would have been fatal to passion, SURELY?!! WHAT do YOU think, Benny Hen?

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  45. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Must like it rough

    The question is "What is this guy used to?" Ouch! And to do it 4 times beggars belief.

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  46. Dave Cheetham
    Joke

    Explanation?

    Well we all know these self assembly instructions can be blurred or vague, so maybe he misunderstood "put complete erection in hole in centre".

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  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @So

    I remember when I lived for a couple of years in Cupertino being surprised to read that the "city" had a absolute ban on houses more than 1 floor on the grounds that you could look into a neighbours garden (or more correctly "neighbors yard") from a first floor window! Perhaps they was a culture of garden furniture abuse going on that they wanted to keep hidden!

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  48. Daniel Kay
    Coat

    Worrying...

    I've noticed somewhat of an alarming increase in the number of people getting caught mid-coitus with inanimate objects... Perhaps enough to warrant a new section for the site - El-Sex-Offenders-Reg?

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  49. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    @sex

    "FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids." (you were trying to think of 'table thumper' to go with bike banger and hoover humper?)

    I thought the hoover was quite animated at the time.... don't know about the byke tho tis quite possible the poor thing was thrashing about, and as for this chap's 4 legged friend, well it's hard to say without seeing the UToob vid of the action. Those neighbors really ought post one of the vids they have!

    Mines the one with the holopix of my five legged pal on the back...

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  50. kain preacher

    @simp

    THe man is single. No women, or guy would touch a nut job like that.

    If I was his land lord i'd be nervous about entering his place for clean up.

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  51. Brad Theisen

    Victimization!

    I certainly hope the mental health community in that area has grief counselors talking to the table's relatives and friends - especially the chairs who witnessed this horrendous act of abuse on their innocent friend - and that the victim has undergone testing for STDs and is receiving intense counseling to get through this sordid event. I send my condolences to the table's family in their time of despair, and wish them well along the round cold hard road they must follow....

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