back to article Empire says ‘primitive’ Earth not ready for Death Star

The Galactic Empire has welcomed the Obama administration’s decision not to build a Death Star. In an press release issued by the Imperial Centre on Coruscant (aka the Star Wars blog), the Empire labels earth a “tiny, aggressive planet” and says the petition calling for a Death Star to be built were “bellicose demands”. The …

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  1. Matt Piechota

    Jedi

    Jedi Force-talkers, duh!

    1. LarsG
      Meh

      When

      When some weird tentacled thing turns up and demands humans hand themselves over to be eaten we will wish we'd built a Death Star.

      1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: When

        "When some weird tentacled thing turns up and demands humans hand themselves over to be eaten we will wish we'd built a Death Star."

        I never worry about the dangers of the arms race.

        I worry about the dangers of the human race.

  2. Richard Wharram
    Boffin

    Easily explained.

    Because the galaxy is both a long long time ago AND far far away, a message sent via non-relativistic means then and there would reach us here here and now now.

    Just requires some Force precognition to look into the future to know to send it.

    (I can't believe I typed that to be honest.)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Easily explained.

      Owing to the fact that the Universe is actually a projection of a 2-dimensional hologram, the galaxy far away and long ago is in fact very close indeed.

      Unfortunately for them, owing to the effects of cosmic inflation, said galaxy is a small object in the asteroid belt.

      (I am beginning to wonder if modern cosmology bears about as much relation to reality as does Jain mythology).

  3. This post has been deleted by its author

  4. markw:

    The press release is so poorly written that it must be from an alien source — or an American Star Wars nerd. Maybe dialogue meister Lucas wrote it himself...

    1. Simon_Sharwood_Reg_APAC_Editor (Written by Reg staff)

      Actually it's pretty good by the standards of most press releases. It is short, contains little fluff, no major errors (one I received today said 'mother's are worried about' something or other) and at least raised a smile.That puts it well ahead of most we receive at Vulture South.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Trollface

        cat Release.txt | sed 's/Earth/Iran/g' | sed 's/Death Star/Nuclear Bomb/g'

        Immediate State Department Press Release

    2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      >Maybe dialogue meister Lucas wrote it himself...

      Me-saa no think so-saa

      1. Great Bu

        Re: >Maybe dialogue meister Lucas wrote it himself...

        No, isn't it Mickey Mouse now ?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    hmm

    They give one of the reasons as "Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?"

    Well, one of the benefits of having let the Empire build first, is we now know the major flaw and can design a fix for it.

    Perhaps a vent cover with a few bends in it?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Pirate

      Re: hmm

      Then you can just smuggle in a raider party with a porta-nuke or an Apple-carried virus via an old spice freighter. Nobody will notice anything until too late.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: an Apple-carried virus

        So.... iTunes then?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Go

      Re: hmm

      Sorry, that would violate health and safety codes. It becomes uneconomical to build the Death Star onceyou add the obstruction-free ventilation, a catalytic converter on that exhaust port, exit signs, handicapped access, crumple zones and then paint the whole thing safety orange.

      1. Adam Foxton
        Pint

        Re: hmm

        Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?

        1. Great Bu

          Re: hmm

          Well, if cost is no object we can do it today.......

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: hmm

        No, it's quite simple - there is no exhaust vent on the new model, just a small black hole that also acts as a trash compactor.

  6. Dave 126 Silver badge

    If Obama is unwilling, we can elect someone who is.

    Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.

    1. Callam McMillan
      WTF?

      "If Obama is unwilling, we can elect someone who is."

      Step forward Newt Gingrich

      << WTF being the response most of Newt's suggestions elicit

      1. sisk

        Step forward Newt Gingrich

        I know you're joking, but still that's a frightening proposition. Newt might actually try to do it, and I'm not at all certain that there's enough common sense in Congress to tell him no.

      2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        >Step forward Newt Gingrich

        That's no moon - that's a Newt Gingrich

  7. John Tserkezis
    Joke

    "The Empire has also strenuously denied the Death Star possesses a fatal design flaw."

    "Any attacks made upon such a station - should one ever be built - would be a useless gesture"

    That's what they said the FIRST time around...

  8. Katie Saucey
    Mushroom

    Can the private sector pick up the slack?

    The was I time when I figured Bill Gates would lead the way to constructing a fully operational battle station, but alas, he's into helping people and all that BS now. Thankfully Larry Ellison might fit the bill (with his own island, mega yacht, and all), if anyone can be convinced to put down the first DeathStar payment it'd be him. Possibly hire SpaceX as the main contractor, seeing as they are already heading for the "dark side" with those new military jobs....

  9. graeme leggett Silver badge

    Dissenting opinion crushed

    Tarkin and Motti, no opinion from Taggi?

    "Until this battle station is fully operational, we are vulnerable" - no I guess they wouldn't quote him.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That's no Death Star ...

    It's a Peace Moon!

    1. annodomini2

      Re: That's no Death Star ...

      or 'Freedom Star' as I saw posted on another website.

  11. M7S

    Attack of the Imperial Patent Lawyers

    before you've even started warming up the mastik guns for the on board showers.

  12. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    This is why you need a Death Star.

    "“It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire."

    Response without a Death Star:

    Grovel, grovel, grovel, apologise, etc.

    Response with a Death Star:

    "Like we give a shit what you think, we've got a Death Star."

    1. James Micallef Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: This is why you need a Death Star.

      Quite true. Norks and nukes come to mind

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: This is why you need a Death Star.

        Norks and Nukes

        Is that some kind of specialist magazine? For the discerning plastic enhanced lunatic dictator...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: This is why you need a Death Star.

          I don't know...

          I imagine Iran would be equally worried about its citizens being exposed to bombs and boobies. Norks and Nukes could actually be the code name of the latest Pentagon strategy.

  13. Charles Calthrop

    my god that is some intrusive advert for the hp envy x2.

    I don't run sites like adblock because I want you to get paid for your site. (pious? Moi?) But every time my mouse wanders up to the top half o the page the advert floods down

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Apparently a 'badly coded' ad, that's being sorted. See El Reg's Drewc reply here. There doesn't seem to be a way to link individual posts any more, but it's only the 3rd of 4th anyway.

  14. SwedishCodeMaffia
    Alert

    I bet Mitt Romney

    would have agreed to build one. See, Iran, North Korea and China have already started on theirs. We need to close the Death Star gap!

  15. Magani
    WTF?

    “tiny, aggressive planet”

    Whatever happened to "Mostly harmless"?

    1. Trygve Henriksen
      Coat

      Re: “tiny, aggressive planet”

      That's because the only report they got was from those who visited England...

      The editor visiting Japan had the fish.

      The one who visited Australia was attacked by sheep...

      The one who visited Germany only sent one word back - Octoberfest - and no one really understood what he meant.

      The one who ended up in Las Vegas had a bit of a problem with the dice and had to hock his equipment...

      And we all know what happened to the unlucky being who ended up in the Sauna World Championship in Finland...

      Towel in hand, book in pocket. Got any peanuts?

      1. Blue eyed boy
        Thumb Up

        Re: “tiny, aggressive planet”

        Is our new rating a step up or down from "Mostly Harmless"

  16. Albert

    The best is Barack Obama tweet.

    Barack Obama ‏@BarackObama

    Why would we spend taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a 1-man starship? http://OFA.BO/yfxWt3

    Now that's a president with a sense of humor (he's american so doesn't know about the u)

  17. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge
    Mushroom

    The REAL reason to be worried about this...

    For a long time now I have noted the close symbiotic relationship between Hollywood and the US politicians, military and State Departments.

    Americans seem to actually BELIEVE films. So the military actually try to create, for instance, beam weapons BECAUSE these are the kind of weapons featured in Space Opera. As Hollywood creates new genres of Bad Guy movies, public opinion swings against the countries thus depicted, and the politicians oblige by labeling them as an 'Axis of Evil'. Film stars even become presidents!

    It is completely in character for the public to clamour for an orbiting 'Death Star'. And you can be sure that the military will be looking to their budget proposals to see if this can be included. There will be no consideration given to whether there is a use for such a weapon - once it has been made I am sure a suitable target can be picked......

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The REAL reason to be worried about this...

      You're right

      Batman - The Dark Knight Rises was the single most unbelievable piece of puerile tosh I have ever had to watch because my family wanted to. The plot, such as it was, seemed to be trying to link Occupy with fusion-bomb wielding nutters, and suggest that having criminals around the place with assault rifles was OK because one injured policemen could take them out with a pistol. And that is just for starters.

      Unfortunately, the country which currently seems to be deepest in the sleep of reason really is the one with all the weapons. There are going to be tears before bedtime for the human race.

    2. sisk

      Re: The REAL reason to be worried about this...

      Americans seem to actually BELIEVE films.

      That's because the intelligence of an American is inversely proportional to the volume and frequency with which he or she spouts his or her beliefs. In other words smart Americans quietly enjoy the movie and then goes home to have dinner with the family and stupid ones come out of the theater yelling to everyone who'll listen about how X new technology depicted in the movie is really cool and going to be deployed to our troops next week.

      Honestly, given how American humor works I'm guessing that most of the people who signed that petition were at least smiling in amusement as they did so. Some were probably outright chuckling.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Emperor Palpatine

    Didn't he die a long time ago in a galaxy far far away?

  19. Terry 6 Silver badge
    Pint

    Magani

    You got to it before me -"Mostly harmless".

    Exactly!

  20. tomban
    Thumb Up

    That's a really nicely crafted response, similar to the BigJigs rail story (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2013/01/09/bigjigs_bid/) a few days ago.

    Even the URL is spot-on:

    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/isnt-petition-response-youre-looking

  21. Bongwater
    Thumb Up

    Thank you Dodgy, I am glad I am not the only one who feels that way. Living here, I have to deal with people who watch a movie with Matt Damon and all of the sudden they are experts and quoting him to no end. They really do believe movies, no joke.

    It happens elsewhere I suppose, but it feels good hearing someone else acknowledge that.

    Not one second spent sifting through data on their own, but if the silver screen says so than it is fact.

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