Please don't publish BOFH this early on a Friday - I won't get _any_ work done...
BOFH: Our Excel-lent new boss and the diagram plan
"Okay, I get what you're saying, but what does it mean precisely?" the Boss asks. "It means that we're giving the app support people a VPN connection so they can login remotely, and we'll put them on their own VLAN with firewall pinholes to permit them to access the App server and Database server, as well as having limited …
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Friday 10th August 2012 09:41 GMT Jemma
Re: The worst part of reading BOFH
Not even close...
The worst part - is that you know that the _next_ person you work for at an entirely new company will be exactly the same...
until you retire (if the government will let you) in 30 years.
A bitter twisted soul (with a quicklime allergy).
*sigh*
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Thursday 23rd August 2012 05:04 GMT Gordon 8
Re: The worst part of reading BOFH
Sorry, to all the above, although you all have good points.
The very worst part is when you know that you could never have / use / get away with
Cattle Prod
Pinch
Van, Carpet & Quicklime
You know that you need to deal with a Luser / PHB who so needs to be introduced to 1 or more of the above.
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Saturday 11th August 2012 23:25 GMT Fatman
Re: The worst part ... is when you _still_ do . . .
Damn it man!
Get creative.
Arrange for a generator accident. (i.e. NEVER manually switch the power to the generator from the utility; with the front of the transfer switch OPEN.)
Arrange for him to perform an elevator inspection (I believe you Brits call it a 'lift'?); with a faulty upper limit switch. He will experience how it feels to have his head jammed between the top of the cab and the top of the shaft. If that can't be done, and you are in one of those old building with a motor-generator set for the elevator power, then tell him to check the belt tension. Pray that his tie gets yanked into the pulley grooves.
Arrange for the fool to perform a test of the Halon system. And make sure that the doors close quickly, so he gets trapped inside.
Tell him that there is some water trapped in the refrigerant lines between the air handler and the outside compressor. Hand him a hacksaw, and tell him that he needs to cut a slot in the copper tubing to let the water out.
I mean, shit, get creative; and rid yourself of such a clusterfuck mangler.
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Friday 10th August 2012 09:57 GMT ukgnome
It reminded me fondly of an agricultural company I once worked for. Every decision ever made in IT resulted in our finest Nobo whiteboard sketches. Like a giant game of corporate draw something.
Top Tip - if you draw on your whiteboard with permanent marker just draw over whatever it is with your wipe off pens and then just wipe away the lot.
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Friday 10th August 2012 15:06 GMT Gil Grissum
Re: Too RIght
Analogies allow us to explain things to an idiot without calling them an idiot or treating them like an idiot. They are still unlikely to understand what you're saying, hence their need to see a drawn diagram. Ever heard the expression when explaining something to someone who isn't getting it- "Want me to draw you a picture"? BOOM!!
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Saturday 11th August 2012 23:33 GMT Fatman
Re: Why do people insist on going to analogies
Because, dear boy, you sometimes have to explain things to people who sign your paycheck!!!!
It is one thing to take your cheap shots at some damager, who is nothing more than hired help; but insulting the owner of your company is a serious career killing move.
Also, sometimes you have to play nice with (l)users, if you want to get ahead.
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Friday 10th August 2012 11:55 GMT Annihilator
Not quite accurate
For that entire situation to be accurate, the Excel charts would have had to be copied and pasted into a Powerpoint slide for boss-level-consumption. They're an easily startled creature and raw Excel sheets can send them into a blind panic.
Now, if I could build a macro that takes an MS Project file and translates it into a tarted up Gantt chart in a Poweroint slide, my working day would be reduced to about 40 minutes.
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Saturday 11th August 2012 03:18 GMT Rambler88
Re: Not quite accurate
You probably could do a macro that takes an MS Project file and translates it into a tarted up Gantt chart that will satisfy your boss's need for tarted up Gantt charts.
@ Vic: I worked for one Project Manager who didn't get the "I'm not your secretary" bit even when "and I'm getting $125 an hour" was added.
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Saturday 11th August 2012 10:48 GMT perlcat
@Vic & Rambler88
Yes, I am more than willing to take it out on him in the invoicing, but he's playing with somebody else's money, and doesn't care. While I'm not so proud that I wouldn't wash cars and type papers for $300/hr, it sets a bad precedent, and hard to get that sort of work at that rate once I let it get started. Far better to whip my cattle prod out early in the process, show him how it's all charged up & ready to go. I do it for the satisfaction of the look on his face.
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Monday 13th August 2012 15:40 GMT Kobus Botes
Re: Quote of the Week
I had users who thought that print jobs worked that way; if the document does not appear at the printer, print another, repeat until either a) the print server falls over, or b) you are presented with 40 copies of your 100 page document the next morning.
I cannot count the hours I had to spend in the server room, trying to clear the print queue on an old 486 machine running NT 4, which had become almost completely unresponsive (and a reboot had absolutely no effect whatsoever, apart from causing the problem to last that much longer).
I used to ask them if they really thought that sending more print jobs down the queue would add weight and force the print job out the printer's business end, like a plunger in a blocked toilet, but never received any coherent answer, apart from a sheepish grin.
The worst offender was a colour wax printer (can't remember the make), that generated enormous print jobs for each copy of any requested job, rather than storing the job in memory and then printing x number of copies. So the queue could easily contain forty or more Powerpoint print jobs exceeding 100 MB each, on a machine sporting a massive 2GB drive.
I think that that was what caused me to hate Windows (OK, maybe Exchange 5 played its part as well, with the MTA regularly hanging and hundreds of messages in the queue and almost as many frantic calls from users, complaining about Outlook hanging. And then requesting that I send an e-mail to everyone, advising them of the problem!).
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Friday 10th August 2012 12:51 GMT amanfromMars 1
The way things are in the new real world with virtual sectors in spooky vectors and vice versa
The blank look the Boss gives me reinforces my original idea of telling him we were just going to do some magic and it would all work out well.
:-) That really works best every time, Simon, and allows for immediate project implementation and program deployment without being hindered by cuckoos in feathered nests. And so nice to see it shared and printed in plain unambiguous text.
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Saturday 11th August 2012 06:46 GMT amanfromMars 1
Re: The way things are in the new real world with virtual sectors in spooky vectors and vice versa
And according to Arthur C Clarke, “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” and that is a revealed, nearly 40 year old well known secret, and beautifully used buy those who can exercise it sublimely and masterly in pilot programs and crushing flash crash projects.
So is that what you can expect, and expect to get trapped and excited into perpetuating and supporting. ........ http://forums.theregister.co.uk/post/1506975 ........ or would it be your free choice course of action [and default failsafe engaging able capability in NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT]?
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Friday 10th August 2012 13:40 GMT Anonymous Coward
This is our security management :/
Heard a very good description of this in relation to our security change management at the coffee machine the other day. "If you need a firewall opening it's not enough to write 'I need TCP port this and that open from this IP to this IP because of new requirement such-and-so', but draw a fucking cloud with two lines and everyting is suddenly A-OK!"
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Friday 10th August 2012 13:59 GMT Charles Smith
Arrgh!! No! don't do that to me.
"...Perhaps you could use some different-coloured pens...." That phrase sent a cold shiver down my spine. I've heard the exact same phrase used by the Consultant Project Manager on a major project for a large City money broking firm. The project was a horrendous failure. The charm of BOFH is a bit like Dilbert, it is so close to real life! Unfortunately in real life we're not allowed to use Semtex as a motivational tool.
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Saturday 11th August 2012 23:53 GMT Fatman
RE: a lady boss?
That opens up a whole new can of worms.
Just how would a BOFH react to a female boss? What if she were:
1) a real `ball busting` bitch?
2) hot as hell, and smart to boot?
3) a lesbian?
4) the big boss' daughter? (wife?) (sister?)
5) younger than the BOFH?
6) just as devious as the BOFH?
7) not afraid of duking it out at the `boys club`?
8) out for revenge, as the BOFH had caused her husband (father, brother, etc) a shitload of grief?
9) could drink the BOFH and PFY completely under the table?
Any takers?? Simon, you listening?
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Sunday 12th August 2012 11:28 GMT FozzyBear
Holy crap
had a manager just like that. After said moron asked what DWH stood for I wiped everything out and drew a nice looking cloud one arrow going in labelled “FM” and one arrow going out labelled “FM”.
She asked and I told her Fucking Magic.
Some berating ensued I pulled her up short and flatly refused to spend another hour each day explaining what I did, how I did it and why I did it. I was not going to spend that time so she looked good to her bosses while my own deadlines got missed