back to article Nympho hauled to loon-cooler after serial bonkathon brutality

A Munich nymphomaniac is languishing in hospital under psychiatric observation after two men suffered extended sexual ordeals at the hands of the rampant temptress. According to local cops, the unnamed woman met her first victim, a 43-year-old man, in a bar. He willingly accompanied her to her place, where they had sex " …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This should be an olympic sport

    1. Dave 126

      Already is, according to the videos (search for 'Trojan Olympics', NSFW)

      1. Steve Crook

        Spitting image

        Did a skit where Cecil Parkinson suggested Olympic Bonking. When asked how they'd decide the winner, he replied "simple, the one who comes last wins".

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Coat

      So that explains it...

      I always wondered what they meant at Wimbledon when they said they were seeding the mixed doubles.

      OK, OK, I'm coming going!

    3. Raphael

      As I recall at the Australian Olympics they ran out of condoms at the Olympic Village, I think it already is... unofficially.

  2. TeeCee Gold badge
    IT Angle

    Further details on Page 4.....7.....26-131.....and most of the rest of them.....

    ........in your sizzling, shagtastic Register!!11!!!

    I'm beginning to understand why the masthead is in red.....

  3. John Arthur
    Mushroom

    Proof!

    Playmobil or it didn't happen!

  4. Andus McCoatover
    Windows

    Hey, El Reg...

    It's May 1st, not April 1st.

    Think those two guys have had more nookie in one weekend than I've had in my entire life!

    1. JetSetJim
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Hey, El Reg...

      Perhaps she can cure this guy:

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2137471/Man-sues-BMW-hour-motorcycle-ride-leaves-year-erection.html

    2. Ken 16 Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Hey, El Reg...

      BUT I bet you know more about Linux than both of them put together.

      1. Franklin

        Re: Hey, El Reg...

        "BUT I bet you know more about Linux than both of them put together."

        I wouldn't take that bet. I've known, and been involved romantically with, some VERY randy female Linux users, and at least one programmer...

        1. xyz Silver badge

          Re: Hey, El Reg...

          In yer dreams Howard Wolowitz

    3. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Obligatory quote

      Joan Rivers:

      "It's been so long since I had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who"

  5. Brezhnev's Shadow
    Pint

    Down With This Sort Of Thing

    Careful now

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it contagious?

    Do you think she'd like to meet the wife?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There must be a finite amount of horn in the world

    Which would explain why my missus doesn't have any...

    1. Dan Mullen

      Re: There must be a finite amount of horn in the world

      The amount of horn in the known universe can only be explained by the existence of anti-horn.

      1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

        Re: There must be a finite amount of horn in the world

        "The amount of horn in the known universe can only be explained by the existence of anti-horn."

        But you must account for parity violation. Not sure which way though...

      2. Bill Neal
        Trollface

        Re: There must be a finite amount of horn in the world

        And dark horn?

      3. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

        Re: anti-horn

        That was *not* the right thing to read with 2 cracked ribs, but it's worth the painkillers I have to take now..

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    BRB

    Moving to Germany.

    1. Goldmember

      Re: BRB

      Find me one who's 25 years younger and I'll join you

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: BRB

      .... I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!! I'M RUBBED RAW!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

  9. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Pint

    Epic Combat Shagging and Blaxploitation

    "Black guys can't walk ... anymore"

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What bus route?

    Please include all relevant information in a future article.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Re: What bus route?

      Sloppy Journalism!

    2. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: What bus route?

      Number 13. Be aware, though, they're like nymphomaniacs - you wait ages for one, then they all come at once.

      1. nemo20000
        Happy

        Re: What bus route?

        Bravo!

      2. Anonymous Coward 15

        They all come at once?

        You sure they aren't faking?

      3. Andy Tunnah

        Re: What bus route?

        Oh bravo sire, bravo!

        Giggled a bit too much at that one

    3. Ken 16 Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: What bus route?

      Why, are you looking for a ride?

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Facepalm

      Re: What bus route?

      Don't you think you'd be better off asking where the sex addiction clinic was?

      I'll be the one at the gate selling viagra.

  11. Winkypop Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    I always wondered

    If you could get too much.

    Seems you can.

    <== who else?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I always wondered

      Yes, you can.

      Forcing someone to orgasm too many times is popular in a lot of sadomasochistic groups since it is extremely painful and unlikely to cause actual injury.

  12. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: appropriate Workers equipment on *hard* Labor Day

      "Arbeit Macht Frei" - errr... bit distasteful.

  13. FanMan

    IT connection

    I am struggling to discern the IT context of this otherwise comprehensive report.

    1. Danny 14

      Re: IT connection

      she allegedly had an ipod.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: IT connection

        Both the article and ploice paperwork were written on a computer.

    2. deadlockvictim
      Coat

      Re: IT connection

      Nonsense, bondage and repressed sexuality is part and parcel of hardware (fnarr, fnarr) terminology:

      Master & Slave?

      Motherboards?

      the whole sticking of floppies or hard-drives into their correct slots?

      Mounting correctly?

      What would Freud have made of this?

      And we wonder why there are few women in IT...

      1. Thomas 4

        Re: IT connection

        It still makes me snigger when I hear my South African colleagues refer to a USB stick or floppy disk as a "stiffy".

    3. Captain DaFt

      Re: IT connection

      Isn't it obvious? Once her victims wore out, she had to go 'digital'!

  14. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    From the horse's mouth

    The story's a couple of weeks old:

    http://www.tz-online.de/aktuelles/muenchen/sex-sklave-dieter-fuenf-stunden-gefangen-2277597.html (in Jorman of course but includes the name of the pub where she picked the guy up).

    What do you do in such a situation? In general, men are able to overpower women but lamp her if you attempt to escape...

  15. Dave 126

    Male victim: Can't you put at least one officer on this?

    Police Sergeant: 'Fraid not, sir.

    Male victim: Where are they?!

    Police Sergeant: They're all hanging around outside the tube station with their ties loosened and their top shirt button undone.

    (Apologies to Smith and Jones)

  16. Pete 2 Silver badge

    How inappropriate!

    An idle thought: surely no town's tourist board would sink so low as to make up a story like this, just to attract visitors. Would it?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How inappropriate!

      "Come to our town, you'll get raped by old people"?

      Doesn't quite work.

      1. Graham Bartlett

        Re: How inappropriate!

        If 47 is "old people" round your way, I suspect you're not long out of school. To a major degree, it's like hacking. You might not be as pretty to look at, but you're a whole lot more effective in action.

        Cue the "she was only a coder's girlfriend, but she knew what to do with a dangling pointer" jokes...

        (Oh all right then, let's have another - "she was only a TCP/IP expert, but she was stacked".)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: How inappropriate!

          You are quite correct. Let me rephrase

          Come to our town, you'll be raped by people approaching 50.

          Is that less unpleasant to your sensibilities? I still think that being raped is probably a bad thing.

  17. Andy Farley
    Trollface

    I don't think I've seen a thread

    with so many ACs.

    Funny that.

  18. Ben Rosenthal
    WTF?

    hur dur sexual assault lol

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Indeed

      Reverse the sexes and it'd be a very different story.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Indeed

        Totally true, a man forcing a woman to keep having sex would see screams of rape...

        But as a man, if I had been sober enough that I was happy with my choice of partner, I wouldn't press any charges for the extra enthusiasm..... I'd just ensure I left her satisfied and exhausted!

        1. James Micallef Silver badge
          FAIL

          Re: Indeed

          "man forcing a woman to keep having sex would see screams of rape"

          This WAS rape, by any definition of the word. First 3 times was consensual, the next 5 times (if my reading is correct, my German is a bit rusty) she was blackmailing him / holding him hostage in a locked apartment that he wanted to leave. Just because she wasn't holding a knife to his throat or a gun to his head doesn't make it any more consensual.

          1. Yag

            Re: Indeed

            Yes, this was rape.

            This explain why she got scot free the first time with the sobbering man.

            Heck, look how he was (un)dressed, he was callin' for it!

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Indeed

          "But as a man, if I had been sober enough that I was happy with my choice of partner, I wouldn't press any charges"

          So if you are happy with things at first, then change your mind, but are forced to have sex again and again, that is ok..!? Hopefully you won't be on the jury for any domestic violence trials.

      2. Trixr

        Re: Indeed

        Yup, it's quite revealing that all these blokes (as I assume the majority of commenters in this forum are) think it's all a bit of a laff.

  19. 1Rafayal

    This pretty much happened to me the other night.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Then you woke up, right?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "This pretty much happened to me the other night."

      It doesn't count when you're the perpetrator as well as the victim.

      1. 1Rafayal

        Re: "This pretty much happened to me the other night."

        lol

      2. Audrey S. Thackeray

        @David W.

        "It doesn't count when you're the perpetrator as well as the victim."

        Bravo!

        What does the 'W' stand for by the way ...?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @David W.

          "What does the 'W' stand for by the way ...?"

          A gentleman never tells.

          ...I'm not going to either.

  20. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
    Paris Hilton

    Ha, Paris,

    She's only an amateur.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sexual assault is funny

    Well, it turns out that sexual assault is funny, if it happens to men.

    Try swapping round the male/female roles in this story and seeing if it's so funny then. Or if it's female/female or male/male, not funny at all, in fact a serious criminal offense.

    Pathetic.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sexual assault is funny

      True, but as it is a woman forcing a man who already had sex willingly to continue having sex, I think it is funny...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sexual assault is funny

        Funny? Really? Along the lines of:

        "You're not getting out of here until you give me more sex"

        In all seriousness, this sounds pretty frightening to me, particularly if the person is stronger than me and I can't defend myself against him or her. It's also fairly frightening if you can just slap the other person out of the way and make a bolt for the door, because you don't know if you're then going to end up on the end of a cry of "rape".

      2. bean520
        Holmes

        Re: Sexual assault is funny

        again, reverse the genders and it is seen as sickening, and treated for the serious crime that it is. It is funny simply because it is A) rare and B) the stereotypical guy's idea of a perfect situation

  22. Dinky Carter

    Reverse the sexes...

    Yep... if we accept that non-consensual sex occurred, this is a basically a story about rape.

    1. Old Handle

      Re: Reverse the sexes...

      Yeah, it's exactly rape. And nobody would think it was the least be funny if it happened to women. But at the same time, it's still a very curious situation. I'm left wondering how she managed to detain the victims. If the sexes were reversed, physical force would be the obvious answer, but (presumably) that wasn't the case here.

      I guess she must have locked the door, but that alone wouldn't normally be enough to stop a determined person form getting out. Yet there was no mention of weapons, threats or violence. It's just so weird, especially that it happened twice.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Reverse the sexes...

        If the sexes were reversed, physical force would be the obvious answer, but (presumably) that wasn't the case here

        I can imagine that she could possibly have threatened that if he left, she would call the police and accuse him of raping her.

        It's a powerful threat after all - just an accusation can ruin a mans life.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Reverse the sexes...

        Why do you assume a woman, and an insane one at that, can't be significantly stronger than a man? If she had planned to do this then presumably she'd have picked a man she felt confident that she could overpower.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          @Mycho.

          >presumably she'd have picked a man she felt confident that she could overpower.

          I would have thought she'd be looking for someone who looked as if they could satisfy her

          I don't wish to imply a seven stone weakling couldn't manage to perform but if were looking for a good romp I'd look for someone who was built to bounce not snap.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: @Mycho.

            Given that she broke them, she probably didn't put them not breaking high on her list of requirements.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: @Mycho.

              But they didn't break the first time, nor the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth even seventh.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Article sponsored by Lufthansa and muenchen.de

    I rest my case...

  24. Fred Mbogo
    Thumb Up

    But I wonder...

    The article does not mention the profession of the snu snu torturess. I wonder if she works as a hairdresser. Maybe she, the Russian coiffeuse and that other Russian bird that can lift 20 kgs using her snatch muscles can get assigned to a prison for communal marital visits.

    And yes, orgasming too frequently in a short period does result in pain in the porkelator.

    1. Bill Neal
      Thumb Up

      Re: But I wonder...

      sounds like she should get a job as an entertainer in the up & coming field of teledildonics. She could make some money with such long shows. (note: add teledildonics to spellcheck dictionary)

      1. Brezhnev's Shadow
        Happy

        Re: But I wonder...

        Does this not mean though that you'll get autocorrect now coming up with teledildonics, like for example if you were messaging your parents about the great television show you watched last night or some such ....

  25. VegaNovus
    Thumb Down

    This is sick! This article makes it seem like some sort of joke, but if this happened to a woman, it would be classed as rape straight away!

    Men can get raped too.

  26. Crisp

    No means no.

    For the record "For the love of god stop" also means no.

    "Clothespeg" means no or stop too, depending on context.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No means no.

      And "Nein" means, "four down, five to go"

      I'll get my coat

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Doesn't matter

    Had snu-snu..

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Actually, it is very possible to get too much

    Even if you're enthusiastic, and in good shape, and manage not to strain anything, you can end up with some very painful abrasions in sensitive places after a while. Also, it does become a lot less fun for guys a lot quicker than for girls, due to various physical and hormone reaction reasons (hint, bait and switch, find various tactics to entertain lest you run out of options)

    Even if you were totally up for it and crazily into the other party, it can get pretty nasty after a while.

    (AC because admitting to consenting to a multi-day coke fuelled sex binge probably isn't the smartest idea ever)

    1. Anonymous Coward 15
      Alert

      Re: Actually, it is very possible to get too much

      Anonymous cowards posting about their multi-day coke fuelled sex binge?

      Itchy, itchy beard.

      1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

        Re: Actually, it is very possible to get too much

        Was that Diet Coke or Classic?

        1. Graham Dawson Silver badge

          Re: Actually, it is very possible to get too much

          Vanilla.

  29. gaz 7
    Coat

    She should have gone to Screwfix....

    bye... gone already

  30. Mark Gowdy

    Death, by ...

    SNOO SNOO

  31. Magnus_Pym

    nyphomania?

    Almost certainly not. May have been erotomania. Could have been a psychotic episode brought on by mental illness. Could have been made up to sell papers.

  32. jubtastic1
    Trollface

    Death by Snu Snu?

    Aww... Yay... Aww... Yay... Aww... Yay...

  33. eJ2095
    Happy

    lol

    Death by Snu Snu

  34. b166er

    15 is my limit on schnitzengruben.

    Well then, how about a little...

    Baby please! I am not from Havana.

    Will I see you again?

    Well it all depends how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Should've Gone To Peck Savers

    or have been packing some little Blue Pills to keep up with her.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If she's out of work...

    she could always get a job on MFC and get rich whilst doing what she loves...

    (to an appreciative audience)

  37. Nick Kew
    Coat

    The christians had a phrase for this

    Stipendium peccati mors est.

    Brits have Death by Chocolate. Bavarians evidently do it differently!

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You have to feel sorry for the guys

    Seriously, that has got to suck.

    Turns out you can in fact get bruising and no it doesen't go down and hurts like a b*t*h.

    In fact it has been known to be caused by trauma, and can lead to permanent damage, gangrene and death if untreated with a feckin' big needle installed in the cavernosa to drain out the blood.

    Both sides to boot.

    AC/DC

  39. Semaj
    Thumb Down

    Terms

    Man accused of forcing woman to have sex = rapist, arrested, charged, name and photo made public, life ruined.

    Woman definitely forces men to have sex = nymphomaniac, taken into "care", identity protected, victims mocked.

    Disgusting.

  40. Adam Nealis
    Joke

    Jones Crusher

    Deadly jaws

    Better get the gauze

    ...

    She can push, she can shove

    'til it's just a nub

  41. RecQuery

    Glad to see sexual assault and rape are such a laughing matter. I wonder what would happen if the genders were reversed in this situation.

  42. Hollerith 1

    Funny, yet not

    This is not sex addiction, but serious self-harm, and is in fact an exhibition of insanity. Because it's about sex, it seems funny, but this poor woman is abusing others and living a life of self-damage and disfunction. 'Nymphomania' is always a joke, but these women are usually victims of childhood abuse. Just read (if you can bear it) stories of rescuing 12 year old girls from brothels, or indeed young boys from brotherls -- their actions and reactions are nearly the same.

  43. mhenriday
    IT Angle

    Just curious, but does Lester also employ his pen

    (no, not *that* pen !) in the service of «The Smoking Gun» ?...

    Henri

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm sorry to say this but..

    In the UK this would NOT be classified as rape. Only men can commit rape in English law as penetration with a penis must occur.

    The worst offense the woman could have been charged with in the UK is 'Causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent' (an either way offense which only carries 6months max sentence on summary conviction), and even that is a bit iffy as old elizabethan era case law has also established a precedent that once a man has an errection he is deemed to have consented to sexual activity (even if he is asleep at the time). She could possibly be charged with a single case of sexual assault for the last attempt (because he did not go through with the act). More than likely if this had happened in the UK the only charge that the CPS would be prepared to bring would be unlawful imprisonment!

    PS Yes I'm aware that this happened in Germany not England, no I don't know what the law is over there.

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

    Get a fucking sense of humour.

    1. Semaj
      FAIL

      Re: To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

      Duhhhr. Rape lol haha really funny. Me think rape funny.

      So imagine you go to a gay club for some reason and in the bathroom a guy rapes you. Still so funny?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

        According to something I read in a magazine , gay men basically use a variant of the female sheath for that.

        Seriously, the shape is nearly the same and it fits just fine although this version is thicker for um, "obvious" reasons.

        Also they wear a badge which is coloured green,basically "i want it now".. a little pair of handcuffs denotes bondage/BDSM, yellow indicates watersports, etc.

        AC/DC

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @Semaj

        No that wouldn't be funny. What was reported in the article was funny. If you can't see the difference then you seriously do need a sense of humour and if I could be bothered I'd feel sorry for you.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

      You know, as recently as the 80s women pressing sexual assault charges were also being condemned for their lack of a sense of humour.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

        No, I don't know. I can't remember any woman in such circumstances being condemned for a lack of a sense of humour. They might not have been believed, told the way they dressed attracted unwarranted attention or numerous other things but being told they lacked a sense of humour, no. Perhaps you could give an example of a real case.

      2. jukejoint
        Stop

        Re: To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

        @Mycho:

        Oh dear Mycho, I so love your naivete and bravado and seeming endless innocence, however to get on in life you must learn a bit more, especially learning not to take what people spout at face value and then regurgitate it as if you do not have an independent thought. You do, my dear, have much to contribute, of that I am sure.

        Rest assured your comment (in the 80s etc.)is ***total*** bullshit, and not true. Wherever you received that impression as the truth, or whoever advised you of same, please refuse further "input" from that source.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: To all the "what if it was the other way round" commentards

          I can't be bothered going all the way back to the 80s when Senator Rand Paul did it in 2012.

  46. jukejoint

    Title of Article should have been changed...

    ...to "Nympho hauled to loin cooler..."

    I didn't get all the way through the comments, if my comment has duplicated someone else's, to them I say, you are brilliant.

    To those who decry humor about these sexual assaults, precisely BECAUSE the victim roles have been switched makes it funny, at least to this rape survivor.

    These comments are made in a cyberforum. We are not the investigating personnel, therefore, we joke.

This topic is closed for new posts.

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