back to article Out of shape? Not had sex for years? Watch out

Bad news today for idle crisp-scoffing lardos who seldom get much attention from the opposite/desired sex: when you finally do achieve some boudoir action, there is a measurable chance that the excitement will kill you. The news comes in a new study-of-studies conducted by docs in America, investigating the causes of heart …

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  1. James Hughes 1

    Linux Geeks - watch out?

    I was thinking there may be impressive statistics of the number of Linux geeks dying in this way. Then realised that they don't fulfill the final requirement. Getting lucky. Should be OK on the other stuff though.

    (Ubuntu user - I'm going to Dieeeeee)

    1. LinkOfHyrule
      Gates Halo

      Dual boot

      Install windows on your machines too, statistically it will make you live longer and you will get more sex!

      1. unitron
        Gates Horns

        Lies, damned lies, and statistics

        "Install windows on your machines too, statistically it will make you live longer and you will get more sex!"

        Well, you'll need to live longer because of all of those long reboots, but getting screwed more isn't the same as getting more sex.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Happy

          New keyboard please

          K, thx.

    2. AdamWill

      hmm.

      it's a weirdly inaccurate stereotype, really. A significant number of hackers that I know are obsessive about some form of exercise or other; running and cycling are pretty popular choices. If you go to any random F/OSS-related conference you'd probably find that overall attendees are in average or better physical shape, I think. Sure, there's a few couch-dwellers, but then there's a few couch-dwellers in just about any given group.

      1. Veldan
        Joke

        @AdamWill

        Last time i looked around my tri-athletes anonymous group didn't notice any couch potatoes!

        I may have to look harder ;)

        1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

          Re: @AdamWill

          "I'm super-fit and awesomely over-muscled but I'd never brag about it on the internet."

      2. Piro Silver badge
        Pint

        Statistically, you'd probably be wrong...

        This famous image: http://www.globalnerdy.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/linux_symposium_t-shirt_sizes.jpg

  2. IglooDude
    Thumb Up

    On the other hand...

    "Likewise those having had a lengthy stay on the bench sex-wise should probably not kick off with a huge Italian prime minister style orgy."

    ...if cardiac arrest is in your future anyway, this is probably the ideal way to trigger it.

    1. Pavlov's obedient mutt

      but only..

      if you've actually made it to the end of the short-strokes... otherwise it's just unfair

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    The benefits of exercise for blokes...

    - Feel better.

    - Look better.

    - Feel 'better women*'.

    (* - or men, if you prefer)

    ;)

  4. Nigel Brown

    Oh do go away you silly little box.

    "Particularly for those of a certain age having abstained from exercise or jig-jig for some time, the advice is to ease back into it gradually"

    Starting off solo perhaps?

    Onanists to a man.

    1. Captain TickTock
      Coat

      Things are getting out of hand...

      "Starting off solo perhaps?"

      Or you could get a friend to lend a helping hand...

      I'll stop there.

      1. IglooDude

        errrr....

        At least the advice wasn't "Start small"...

        *cringe*

    2. The Fuzzy Wotnot
      Coat

      Or.....

      .....smear Marmite on your bits and invite next door's Alsati...not that I...I'll get me...you know....

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        narnite?

        Well, at least it wasn't thermite.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sex should always be treated the same way as exercise

    Warm up gently, work in periods of ten minutes or so up to 80% of your peak BPM, take regular rest periods of gentler activity, perform multiple repetitions and then warm down again.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sex should always be treated the same way as exercise

      You really do know how to pamper yourself

      1. Jedit Silver badge
        Troll

        Indeed

        Now, if only he can manage ten minutes he'll be set.

  6. Blubster
    Happy

    I'd be more concerned

    About shooting my muck too early with the excitement of getting a shag.

    Besides, apart from dying peacefully in your sleep, isn't this the next best way to pop your clogs?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      no...

      No, the sex version is the best way, not dying in your sleep.... boring. I personally rate a plane crash as a better way. Pancake into the ground from a parachute failure whilst skydiving. Better.

      You want something that doesn't hurt, and isn't uncomfortable but is AWESOME.

  7. Quxy
    Coat

    Comparative risk analysis?

    "Among 10,000 people all suddenly cranking up their activity levels by an hour a week, only two or three would suffer heart attacks."

    But... that's HUGE -- compared to the other risks Lewis has been discussing for the past week. I think that we ought to expect the objective journos at the Daily Fail to get at least two weeks of front-page headlines out of this newly quantified risk!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If you didn't have performance anxiety already

    This sort of report isn't going to make you feel any better.

    I'm off for a short stroll - round the supermarket avoiding the ready-meals and cake sections

  9. S Larti
    Coat

    Alarmist, Moi?

    Would this be an article by the same Lewis who has been decrying alarmist reporting about radiation from Fukushima?

    With the sub-headline "When you finally do get lucky you might DIE"?

    So where's the Fukushima angle?

    Wait... What?

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Alarmist, Moi?

      Sigh.

      1. Some Beggar

        Easy now.

        Heart attack risk, remember.

    2. ian 22

      Re: Alarmist, Moi?

      Not I! I have the body of a Greek god. The fat one.

      1. Jedit Silver badge
        Joke

        I never understood why people want the body of a Greek god

        Imean, if the statues are to be believed, the body of a Greek god is marble white with a tiny dick.

  10. Ken Hagan Gold badge

    Only 2 or 3 in 10,000?

    "Among 10,000 people all suddenly cranking up their activity levels by an hour a week, only two or three would suffer heart attacks."

    I must say, I find that a rather *high* figure for just one hour of extra exercise per week. Across the UK that would be 5 or 6 thousand heart attacks. Presumably they wouldn't all happen in the first week, but still...

  11. Anomalous Cowturd
    Joke

    Mercedes Carnethon???

    I thought that was the first prize in a prolonged shagging competition!

  12. John Arthur
    Happy

    Made my day!

    "rather than moping in a sessile condition on the floor of the pie cupboard"

    Ah, Lewis, you do have a way with words. Thanks you,

    John Arthur

  13. Tigra 07
    Thumb Up

    Thanks Reg

    "Bad news today for idle crisp-scoffing lardos who seldom get much attention from the opposite/desired sex"

    Thumbs up for the first line!

  14. Richard Wharram
    Grenade

    Title

    So a slow manage-a-une whilst out on gentle walks before going straight into a reverse-dutch-steamboat ?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    "ease back into it gradually"

    Start by her being on top? :)

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Irony and Darwin

    There's something vaguely ironic about removing ones self from the gene pool in an attempt to expand the gene pool.

    Mine's the one with the brass handles and oak veneer.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    title is title

    Aw shit.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I think you'll find

    I think you'll find that I want to die whilst having sex, as such this is fantastic news.

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Not much fun...

      for your partner, though, is it?

      1. Rumcajz
        Dead Vulture

        the bragging rights ...

        aren't bad, especially if she has the right sense of humour about it, although perhaps she would do better to avoid the topic of "what happened to my ex" while looking for a replacement.

        Am I really the first to use a tombstone icon? (not used in the disgusted with el Reg sense)

  19. Elmer Phud
    Paris Hilton

    Coming and going?

    "I've been with 1000's of men,

    again and again,

    they promise the moon,

    they always coming and going,

    going and coming,

    and always too soon! "

    No Paris here - just Lilly von Shtupp

    1. Tigra 07
      Thumb Up

      RE: Elmer Phud

      Where the white women at?

      Damn, i watch too many films...

  20. Hermes Conran
    Alert

    So according to Lewis.....

    sex is more dangerous than swabbing down a burnt out nuclear reactor?

  21. deive
    Coat

    "Italian prime minister style orgy"

    A new Reg standard measurement?

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I once had a friend

    who's wife wouldn't let him have sex until he'd been in the gym for an hour. Maybe she knew something, either that or being Belgian she just liked the smell of sweat.

  23. Darryl

    Guys... you're missing the point here

    "In other words, the more you do it the safer it is."

    Show that to the wife and explain to her that regular sex will keep her hubby alive longer.

    (Well, hopefully she'll think that's a good thing)

  24. sandman
    Happy

    Genius

    "moping in a sessile condition on the floor of the pie cupboard" - pure poetry!

  25. heyrick Silver badge
    Troll

    One can only surmise...

    That not only does internet porn and masturbation have a place in society, but also that they're GOOD for you!

    Pass me a flack jacket, please...

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Uhm...

    You do realize that there are multiple sexual positions where one does not put a large strain on one's heart?

    So if you are out of shape, haven't had sex for a while... try one of those positions and let your partner do the work....

    Of course if you are older and are still concerned see a cardiologist and get a stress test, or a stress test echo ultrasound just to see what your body can take.

    1. Anomalous Cowturd
      Boffin

      Good luck with that request!

      I had a "Stress Echo-cardiogram" a couple of years ago, and very nearly pissed myself. Literally...

      If your idea of fun is being pumped full of adrenaline and microbubble laden fluids, be my guest.

      For ordinary mortals, I recommend a very wide berth!

      And I don't think you'll get much joy from your GP when you ask them either. Unless you have BUPA, or are rich as well as stupid, fat and lazy...

      1. Ian Michael Gumby
        WTF?

        Huh?

        A stress echo cardiogram is a stress test followed immediately by an ultrasound echo done within the Cardiologist's office.

        Yeah you feel some pain as you work to rev your heart rate up. But that's it.

        Not that difficult, not expensive and most health insurance companies will cover it, especially if you get a referral from your GP.

        And yes, I've had one.

        1. Anomalous Cowturd
          Stop

          Re: Huh?

          > A stress echo cardiogram is a stress test followed immediately by an ultrasound echo done within the Cardiologist's office.

          Yours might have been...

          Mine, following a heart attack, involved a large IV dose of adrenaline and (when my heart was pumping like a bastard) about 200ml (I think) of aforementioned microbubble laden fluid from a rotating syringe to allow accurate ultrasound measurement of flow through the heart.

          The feeling of dread as the adrenaline starts coursing through your veins is horrible. You may have heard of the "fight or flight (or piss yourself)" response? Quite apart from the fear that it may induce another MI...

          It wasn't difficult, didn't hurt, cost me nothing, and I was referred by my consultant from the comfort of my hospital bed. They even pushed me to the SONAR suite in a wheelchair... I still wouldn't want to do it again though.

          So glad yours was a pleasant experience.

          It's such a shame we can't all be as lucky as you.

          TWAT!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Re: Mercedes Carnethon???

    "I thought that was the first prize in a prolonged shagging competition!"

    Well, she may just be:

    http://www.preventivemedicine.northwestern.edu/facultyprofiles/carnethon.htm

    1. Anomalous Cowturd
      Coat

      Good point!

      Marks out of two?

      I'd give her one!

      The slightly soiled one, ta!

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Well, get this..

    regular onanists have a measureably lower level of prostate cancer than those who dont.

    Bring on the kleenex.

    Paris because....What you have to ask?????

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    when's the follow-up study.

    Lewis, Please let me know so that I can apply. I'm sure to raise the numbers in one of the columns: probably the 'unable to recescutate' column.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Can I ask my doctor for a prescription for sex on the NHS

    purely as a preventative measure, of course!

    1. alyn
      Happy

      But who will fill the prescription?

      If its the girl behind the counter at my local chemists, I might be interested

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    huge Italian prime minister style orgy

    If I could afford that i wouldn't be a lardo sitting behind a desk now, would i?

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