Russian republic in sex bomb alert

No bulging package?

Surely their suspicions were "aroused by a bulging package", no?

Just a suspicious packet? Shame.

Best ship with batteries not ins...talled then.

Apparently it is entirely possible to defuse not-a-bombs without "controlled explosions". Or, for that matter, shooting laptops, blowing up toy horses, and such. "But where would be the fun in that?", the explosive ordnance service asks. Yes, well, as long as someone else pays for the damage, why not, eh? Buffoons in the security circus.

There is apparently a stringent need in western "security thinking" that has it that it has to be as inconvenient, degrading, and costly as the squirming populace will only just tolerate. Others don't share the view that such is needed. I'd say that's a sign on the wall, raising poignant questions that our benevolent overlords are to answer. Discuss.

I've got a rocket in my pocket and baby it's ready to blow

"a similar incident at a post office in Hasland, Chesterfield, ended with a vibrator made safe in a controlled explosion"

Aren't they supposed to cause an almost uncontrolled explosion?

When a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police

Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor. But… every once in a while… it's a dildo. Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinite article, "a dildo", never… your dildo.