1. Which Home Secretary famously made up a story about "having a cat meaning an automatic right to stay in the UK", claiming that "You couldn't make it up".

2. Who, or what is "Maddie"?

A. A blonde, blue-eyed victim of dastardly foreigners?

B. The major source of revenue for a national newspaper.

C. Both of the above.

3. In the average comments thread on a subject related, tangentially or otherwise, to "immigrants", what percentage of comments will be written by retarded xenophobic eejits?

A. 30%

B. 50%

C. 70%

Which of the following makes for gormless TV?

1. Coronation street

2. Emmerdale

3. Top gear

4. All of the above

What do the following mean?

1. LOL

2. WTF

3.LMAO

4.PMSL

Answer correctly for free entry and a free IPhone

"The Sun seems equally happy with the new test"

That tells you all you need to know. Though TBH the previous one was BS, too.

Paper 1: The comedy of John Cleese

Paper 2: Casual xenophobia, focusing on the Frogs and the Krauts

1. You're travelling on the London Underground and a man you've never met before sits down next to you. What do you say to him?

2. You're travelling on a bus and a group of youths board the bus and proceed to play very loud music from their mobile telephones. What do you say to them?

3. You've just entered a large building with a friend and are having a conversation with your friend while you both wait for the lift. What will you talk about when you actually get in the lift?

Answers on the back of a postcard (and if you don't know what one of those is, you've definitely failed)

what this country needs

is people who can hang on to the underside of the Eurostar for hours on end.

"At which supermarket chain can you get 24 cans of superstrength fighting lager for a fiver?"

Thats more like it. The shame.

@Voland's right hand

"The history of the country where you are applying for a citizenship is a core value".

Not so. Values, for a start, are opinions and preferences - thus fundamentally subjective. One can perhaps speak of "shared values", but mostly only in a statistical sense. If I have a preference for representative democracy, that is a value. If I believe the UK is a parliamentary democracy, that is not a value but a factual belief.

The history of the UK, while it has often been grotesquely distorted, does include a long list of facts (such as dates of important events, names of rulers, etc.) that are not in dispute. Those are facts, and facts are (by definition) not values. That England conquered Wales, Ireland and (in a sense) Scotland is a set of facts. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing is a value. Thus values are those beliefs that you cannot reasonably expect everyone to agree on. If you could, they would be facts.

That the current politically correct ruling establishment seems to think that you can identify a fixed set of values and allege that everyone in the country shares those values makes it abundantly clear that they are either profoundly uneducated or vilely cynical. Or both, of course.

To all you whingers...

1. The standard citizenship test (when it was introduced in 2004/5) was harder than most people thought. Testing centres staffed by British naturals (i.e. were born in this country) had to sit the test to see just how difficult it could be. One testing centre had the majority of its staff FAIL because they thought they knew it all, and clearly didn't. Others had pass rates of around 60%. Even if it's a multiple choice test, the book you have to get is voluminous and you don't know which of the many questions you will get, and the pass rate is 75%.

2. The test as it was introduced was fairly left-leaning. Instead of sticking to common-sense topics, there were questions that clearly favoured Labour and Labour policies, which frankly was rather underhanded. How do you get guaranteed voters for your party? By getting them to answer 'your' questions right, and getting them to be grateful for your policies, of course! Theresa May is fixing this by concentrating more on things that matter, i.e. culture and history, not politics.

3. Those who think that "getting British citizenship is a piece of piss" - Think again. Even ancestral visas are a pain in the proverbial because that path has been used and abused in the past. Those advocating making citizenship harder to get have to realise that it is already difficult.

Those who *do* obtain citizenship will have had *no* recourse to the benefit system (in fact work permits and ILtR permits specifically tell you that you may *not* claim benefits at any given time except for NHS services), will have spent thousands on not only fees to the government (work permits, ILtR and citizenship applications now cost upwards of £500 a pop) but also to solicitors who specialise in navigating the labyrinth of Lunar House in Croydon and elsewhere. So your 'immigrant' has over their 5.5 year journey in this country contributed more than you, the common Brit who was born here, has.

4. You will find that those who apply for citizenship (and pass) are more likely to be entrepreneurial than the locals, they are less likely to go onto benefits (too proud because they had 5.5 years in which they were not *allowed* onto the system, so why should they now), and they're more likely to be good citizens than those who believe it was their god-given right to be British.

So here is a question for you

What is a sensible population for a small island with sever houseing shortages?

Answer: A lot less than it is now.

Every country in the world really needs to take a look at it's population and come up with policies to promote moving to an ideal and sustainable population (whatever the ethnicity).

Dumb Idea

Language test for residence visas would be a MUCH better idea, the better their language, the better they integrate...

NHS access rules

Migrants from anywhere can use the NHS, they have to prove that they have the right to live here, and that they are currently living here. visitors are barred, as are illegal migrants.

How about ...?

Do you ..

1.) Drive a German car

2.) Wash down Indian curry with Belgian lager

3.) Go home and sit on a Swedish sofa to watch American shows on a Japanese TV?

4.) Despise foreigners

If you answered 'yes' to all the above, congratulations(?) you're a Brit!

The should just sneek in...

...to the U.S. where they can become a U.S. citizen, without being able to read, write or speak the English language. Then they get all of the gov'ment hand-outs even though they have never paid a dime into the system to earn the "benefits" they are being provided with, in addition to being welcomed as U.S. citizens, when in fact they are illegal aliens, aka criminals. Only in America...they say.

http://firstread.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/01/29/16753708-first-thoughts-obama-to-embrace-senate-deal?lite

Which British TV show is most inclusive of foreigners?

1. Love thy neighbour

2. Till Death Us Do Part

3. Allo Allo

4. Mind your language

'twas my BROTHER

who carried both US and UK passports; he was born there.

I did get an 80 but can't make that a testimonial; I couldn't subtract 1952 from 2012 and get the right answer.

Yes, we were there.

How can you omit

The Tattooed White van man (& how to avoid confrontation)

Trafic wardens

Essex girls/bimbos

Football yobos

U turn politicians ( a la Nick Clegg ). Wonder if his Spanish wife would pass the test..

Most of the Scots would fail the test too.

Beer swilling, pot bellied , foul mouthed wankers leaving the pubs every night.

Get back to the questions

This seems to have become a Naval History debate.

Get back to the questions. Mine are:

1. How far is it to Tipperary? (A: A long way)

2. How long do you have to wait for a bus to come? (A: For ever)

3. When a bus comes, how many are there? (A: All of them together)

4. Why is Boris Johnson funny? (Any answer including the word "buffoon" or "bumbling" is acceptable)