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back to article So what's the worst movie NEVER made?

Our hunt for the worst movie ever proved highly popular with you, our beloved cinema-going readers, and the list of nominees makes such chilling reading that we began to wonder if it would be possible to shoot a film so atrocious that it would prompt audiences to run screaming from the cinema vowing never again to badmouth …

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The Ucyclopedia list of 100 WOrst movies of all time:

contains such classics as:

"Close Encounters of the Third Reich"

Adolf Hitler returns in a UFO, and he's pissed.

"Titanic vs Godzilla"

At the end of the original Titanic, Bruce Willis (played by Leonardo Di Caprio) destroys the iceberg after drilling into it and planting a nuclear bomb in its core. But the RSS Titanic is far from safe. Blown off course, it heads into Japan, home of the notorious Godzilla

"Andy Warhol Controls the Universe"

Mr. Warhol hits new experimental heights in this film about a filmmaker making a film about a film whose filmmaker filmed it entirely with the lens cap on.

"Paul Allen vs Predator"

Can $21 billion protect you from an invisible alien hunting machine?

and so on...

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_100_Movies_of_All_Time

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Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

The majesty of Imperial Rome and the beauty of the Nile reimagined as life on a 1970s Dagenham Council estate starring Leslie Grantham and Katie Price.

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Re: Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

I would pay top dollar to see that. A reconstituted Lesley Grantham as a roman senator brilliant, problem wife hooked on the anphora of wine. A young maid (Katie price) with re-constituted goats fat for breasts looking for a future outside of the circus maxis hellosis

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Pirate

Re: Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

Pop in Gordon Ramsay as wacky psycho-emperor-chef Caligula (OK, I know...), and Boris Johnson as the intransigent Mayor of Alexandria, and you're looking at gold dust right there.

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Young Jesus; Bethlehem 90210

Justin Beiber playing Jesus during his formative teens. We get to witness his school days, and the highjinks he and his chums get up to, (aptly acted by the TOWIE and The Hills cast). We also get a glimpse into the troubled angst that only the son of god can experiance, the issues that not having a a dad around can cause, and the loves and conquests of our lord and savoiur. The film ends with the Bethlehem High Prom, where our hero pops his cherry with Mary Magdelaine (played by Milly Cyrus), and manages to teach the local "Jockjews" a lesson they will never forget.

Young Jesus: Bethlehem 90210 coming soon to a cinema near you!

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Untitled.

The scene, it’s the future and mankind has destroyed almost the entire planet through a sudden and unexpected mass explosion caused by boob implants going bang, which really surprised the global warming people. Unknown at the time the implants actually contained a weird virus which turns everyone that comes in to contact with the silicone gel into nympho zombies. The film plays out with an unlikely group of (Z list celebs) people who hate each other trying to find a cure to the virus before they end up becoming mindless, sex crazed zombies.

Half way through the film there is a sudden twist in the development, it turns out that the virus isn’t natural but actually made by dolphins so the group of people have to find a way to save the earth from the dolphins, forgetting totally about the zombies who are not mentioned again in the script.

Towards the end of the film there is another twist, it turns out that the leader of the group is actually the son of the dolphin who created the virus in the first place, we then find out the reason the dolphins create the virus was because they were picking up digital TV signals and the constant barrage of BGT and X-Factor and all the other “talent” shows were slowly driving them insane, it then becomes a mad rush for them to get to the TV control centre and turn off the signals so the dolphins can regain their sanity and go back to their fight against the aliens who were invading the oceans.

When they get to the TV station there is a gratuitous sex scene written by the winner of the bad sex awards, during the scene the womans boobs explode, the end.

Director: George Lucas.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Untitled.

Excellent, but again, it needs Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen!

OK, OK, I'm leaving

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FAIL

Its a long way to the bottom if you want to make bad films

Manos - The Hands of Fate (1966) seems to be down there on the worst of the worst list. It is worse than Plan 9 from Outer space. Manos is rumored to have bits where they were going to put the titles over so nothing is happening.... but they didn't put the titles over it either. Its actors left mid way through opening night. It ran in a just hand full of drive in theatres where I'm guessing most of the people who were their were more interested in their companions than the film and didn't even notice how bad it was.

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Re: Its a long way to the bottom if you want to make bad films

Manos has a pretty good twist at the end and an amazingly long car chase sequence with one car at the start.

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Bad director remakes

I live in fear of the wrong directors being invited to remake classic movies,

can you imagine, for example:

A remake of Psycho directed by Michael Bay

A remake of Free Willy directed by Quentin Tarantio

or worst of all

A remake of Star Wars directed by George Lucas

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Zach Snyder Directs...

Life With Archie No. 16

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/08/just-married-archie-comics-first-gay-character-weds-doctor-beau/

I'm sure he would do a faithful and sensitive handling of the source material.

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Anonymous Coward

My entry

"Jar Jar Christmas Spectacular -- Jar Jar on Ice!"

It's a musical!

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Re: My entry

After a particularly nasty Ohio winter, I developed a treatment for "Parallel Parking on Ice."

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Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space

Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space

Kelley Osbourne (voiced by Joe Pasquale) stars as a self-entitled teen judge, who was never accepted by her peers. She embarks on a cosmic voyage in a the space ship ‘Caterwaul’ to conduct a sensational trial in the stars. She is tasked with representing herself against herself (voiced by Jeremy Kyle) after a hilarious mix up with a teleport machine. She is supported by a wise cracking Spider Monkey called ‘Mr.Funk’ who is a CGI rendition of herself tweaked into Monkey form (voiced by Janet Streep Porter).

Heading a long winded distress call (voiced by William Hague) she lands on Iceland (a planet made from abandoned Iceland supermarkets launched into space). As she works her way through the thousand year old Sausage Rolls, over the course of 25 horrific minutes, she is attacked by a tiny crab like creature with ten faces (all Kelley Osbourne’s) which implants a tiny version of herself into herself (voiced by Salt of Salt n’ Peppa fame).

While on the planet she meets an Ozzy Osbourne lookalike (played by herself, voiced by Morgan Freeman) with whom she has a romantic fling but can never decide if he likes her or the constant smell of mechanically recovered pork meat.

The plot is a rollercoaster ride to acquit herself of a crime she can’t remember if she did or not before she hatches from herself in what the ships Android version of herself (voiced by Chris Rock) has predicted will be ‘like a bag of shit exploding from a grotesque Russian Doll’.

The director is Ezio Greggio

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Patent Wars-The Movie

Sick and tired of the constant patent litigation the US voters call on Congress to create an alternative to patent litigation. The result is an arena wherein teams of executives face off in battles to the death. The winner wins the patent for their company. Directed by Michael Bay.

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Anonymous Coward

My favorite book turned into my worse movie.

Starship Troopers.

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"Keys to the City: The Terry Childs storey"

The true storey of the brave operator who fought a city and won!

A Cathryn Bigelow docudrama

Written by Salmon Rushdie, based on the Rush Limbuagh article

Starring Mel Gibson, Eddy Murphy and Mia Farrow

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Starring: Ricky Gervais.

Directed by: " "

Screenplay by: " "

Adapted from an original story by: " "

Synopsis: [Does it really make any difference?]

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Anonymous Coward

Beware of test audiences

From Bill Hicks, Revelations:

"They removed the lesbian sex scenes from basic Instinct because it didn't play well with the audience at test screenings... ... ... Well, I wasn't in that test screening... ...If I had been, it would have been nothing BUT lesbian sex scenes .. Michael Douglas: "Hey, wasn't I supposed to be in that movie?" I'm sorry Mike, I've just watched the entire film and I don't recall your seeing your scrawny ass"

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Re: Beware of test audiences

Bill - may he never be forgotten.

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The C Programming Language

Original by Kernighan and Richie

Screen adaption by J.J Abrams

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Green Lantern

No, not the one that actually got made.

I refer to the one that didn't make it... the one with Jack Black. Which would've been the kind of movie you'd see Jack Black in.

Also, any of the Seuss books that hasn't been made a movie ... starring Mike Myers.

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Anonymous Coward

My Nominations

Avatar 2

Return of Avatar

The Revenge of the Avatar

Son of Avatar

Avatar Reloaded

The Brides of Avatar

Avatar the Musical

Avatar Vs Mechagodzilla

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Go

Bladerunner Zero : Deckard Vs Deckard

Los Angelas, the near future...

Shot in one continuous four hour take, and with over 24 months of post procession to bring you never before seen visuals, this film tells the story of ex-special forces and rookie cop Deckard as he battles with a corrupt superior officer, Roy Blatty, and a loveless disintegrating marriage at home, whilst fighting to clear the name of his father, who was crippled in a unicorn rodeo.

Rick Deckard : NICHOLAS CAGE Rick Holden: NICHOLAS CAGE Rick Deckard Jnr: JUSTIN BIEBER Dave Deckard : SEAN CONNERY Roy Blatty: JOAQUIN PHOENIX Jo-Anne Deckard : RIHANNA Dr. Voight: JOHN CLEESE

Voice-over of Rick Deckard: ANTHONY HOPKINS

Music by U2

Special Effects by JIM HENSON'S CREATURE WORKSHOP

Directed by GEORGE LUCAS

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Mushroom

Uwe Boll, directing his first musical comedy - Pearl Harbor 2

After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Travis Taggart (Steven Seagal) - a former secret agent (they didn't have Navy SEALs pre-WW2) who had retired to Hawaii to surf and practice Zen meditation - realizes he must finally avenge the murder of his Japanese fiance Miku (Paris Hilton with dyed black hair) and his near death at the hands of Miku's father Admiral Yamamoto (played by Jackie Chan), who had been "dishonored" by their interracial relationship.

He commandeers his friend Abraham Lincoln Johnson's (Chris Tucker with a slight Jamaican accent) hot-rodded fishing boat to give chase to Admiral Yamamoto and the Japanese fleet... but Abraham Lincoln Johnson is not the type of guy to let his friend - or his boat - go into danger alone and joins up with Taggart (Seagal) making an unlikely team... the straight faced Taggart and the "jive-talkin" Abraham Lincoln Johnson. Hilarity - and singing - ensues.

Through his fierce reputation and years of secret service for the US government, Taggart is informed by no less than the President of the United States (played by George W. Bush) that Admiral Yamamoto's battleship had split off from the fleet heading East. Even with their hot-rodded fishing boat, they don't catch up with Yamamoto until just outside of San Francisco.

Under cover of darkness, they sneak on board the Japanese ship only to find it almost completely abandoned with just a skeleton crew. In the fight with the crew Abraham Lincoln Johnson is injured - leaving Taggart to go it alone. After making his way to the helm, Taggart confronts Yamamoto - who thought he had killed Taggart years ago - and finally avenges Miku in an epic Kung Fu battle.

During the battle, the injured Abraham Lincoln Johnson realizes that the ship is loaded with explosives and appears right after the epic demise of Yamamoto, clever tag line from Taggart, and follow-on musical number/dancing... to inform Taggart of the "explosive situation". Taggart radios the President, who has just received intel that Yamamoto - not content with his crushing victory at Pearl Harbor - was going to kamikaze attack the Golden Gate Bridge.

Taggart quickly discovers that the Yamamoto had locked the ship on course, full steam ahead. In typical sidekick fashion the injured Abraham Lincoln Johnson offers to stay on the boat to prematurely detonate the explosives - but Taggart will not hear of it. He improvises a time delay fuse, carries his friend back to their boat and they escape off into the sunrise as the Japanese ship explodes, just shy of the Golden Gate Bridge - saving the morning rush hour traffic driving by.

Cut forward to a small ceremony at the White House where the President honors Taggart and his friend. Being so moved by the black sidekick's devotion to the obviously awesome Taggart - and hearing Taggart imply that he probably couldn't have done it without him - the President (played by George W.) immediately repeals all racial segregation / inequality in the United States... and after discussing Taggart's refusal to go back into service with his staff, gives the go-ahead to start working on "that nucular thingie".

The end. Cue some kick ass 80's rock!

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Re: Uwe Boll, directing his first musical comedy - Pearl Harbor 2

That's actually pretty good, I'd watch it because it has Jackie Chan and Chris Rock in it, win! Though it's over 300 chars, so you may want to make a revision :D

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Pint

Re: Uwe Boll - Pearl Harbor 2 (now 296 according to Word - thanks David!)

After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Taggart (Steven Seagal) a former secret agent who moved to Hawaii to surf and practice Zen - realizes he must finally avenge the murder of his Japanese fiance Miku (Paris Hilton) and his near death at the hands of Miku's father Admiral Yamamoto (Jackie Chan), who had been "dishonored" by their interracial relationship.

He commandeers his friend Abraham Lincoln Johnson's (Chris Tucker) boat to chase the Japanese fleet... but Johnson does not let his friend or boat go it alone and joins up with Taggart making an unlikely team... the straight faced Taggart and "jive-talkin" Johnson.

Taggart is informed by the President of the United States (George W.) that Yamamoto's battleship had split off from the fleet heading east. They don't catch up until just outside of San Francisco.

They sneak aboard under cover of darkness to find only a skeleton crew. Johnson is injured in the fight. Taggart confronts Yamamoto - who thought he had killed Taggart years ago - and avenges Miku in an epic Kung Fu battle.

The injured Johnson realizes the ship is loaded with explosives and informs Taggart of the "explosive situation". Taggart radios the President, who tells him Yamamoto planned to kamikaze attack the Golden Gate Bridge!

The ship is locked on course, full steam ahead. Johnson offers to stay, but Taggart improvises a time delay fuse, carries his friend to their boat and they escape into the sunrise. The Japanese ship explodes, just shy of the Golden Gate Bridge and morning rush hour traffic.

Cut to a ceremony at the White House where the President honors Taggart and Johnson. After discussing Taggart's refusal to go back into service with his staff, the President gives the go-ahead to start working on "that nucular thingie".

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The everyday story

of when Jean Luc Picard deadliest enemy assimilate a Melbourne Suburb...

Come on everybody sing along..

Neighborgs, everybody needs good neighborgs,....

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Devil

Jar Jar Binks and the revenge of the Ewoks

...Or something equivalent.

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All Good Films need

a good book to base them on; so it stands to reason you need a REALLY bad book to stand a chance of winning this comp.

I nominate "ET and The Green Planet" as the worst piece of drivel I have ever read. I have even kept a copy and re-read every 5 years or so, just so I can confirm how bad it is.

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Re: All Good Films need

It can't be too bad if you can stand to read it without having an overwhelming desire to burn it.

Completely unrelated, my wife won't let me touch her Twilight books anymore.

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Chuckle Brothers

This film is set in London during the Olympics, the first 45 minutes of the film focuses of a guy called Chuck (Barry Elliott), we have flash backs of his past where he was a tin miner in Cornwall, how he met his first love (Barry – Paul Elliott) down the tin mine and how he proposed to his love under a star covered night on the beach, how they fought against homophobic prejudice but remained committed to their love for each other. After 45 minutes a meteor comes through the Earth’s atmosphere and kills Chuck.

The next 15 minutes is a flashback from the comets (Keanu Reeves) perspective as it flies through space, contemplating loneliness, slowly building up its rage against the inevitable fate that will befall it before deciding to become a homicidal comet.

The next 45 minutes shows us how Barry comes to terms with the death of Chuck and how he came to forgive the comet, they then end up having a weird affair where Chuck confirms his undying love for the comet that killed his first, true love.

The next 20 minutes is a legal drama where Barry and Comet try to get their love recognised so they can have a civil partnership, the judge (Brian Blessed) shouts lots about random stuff before finally agreeing that Barry and the Comet can have a civil partnership.

The end of the movie is the twist, the comet is arrested for the murder of Chuck and attempts to escape the country with Barry, they get on a boat (Kieria Knightly) and sail off towards America, on the way they hit an ice berg, it takes 4 hours to sink, we watch all 4 hours.

Director: George Lucas.

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Childcatcher

You did say that had never been done.

On a pale Horse - screenplay by michael crichton, as adapted from the Piers Anthony Classic.

Only a truly epic character actor can fully realize the inner turmoil of Zane, the man who's become the true Incarnation of Death, so for that role we have to stress, no one short of Zak Galifff.. however you spell his name..

The other Incarnation would be filled out by a cast of truly epic porportions,

Murphy in a fat suit would play Chronos

M. Night Shamalamadingdong would portray Ares/WAR, in conjuction with his unique ability to do true justice and bring this to the screen as director. ( Remember.. it's pronounce DEEth.. not Dehth )

Nature would be portrayed by a scantily clad Whoopie Goldberg

The three Fates, portrayed by Jewel , Paris Hilton, and Brittany Spears.

Obviously of the three, Brittany could bring the most 'old hag' realism to the Elder Fate.

The list goes on and on....

And in an interesting twist, Executive Producer Nicolas Cage ( and primary funding source ) is completely convinced the only way to accurately represent the deep emotions in the original novel is as a musical, with Skrillex providing the score.

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Why tamper with perfection?

An attempted "remake" of "Casablanca"...and-- as if it were possible, worse-- in color.

Like that frame-for-frame "remake" of "Psycho".

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Re: Why tamper with perfection?

Casablanca in colour? It's been done- and is actually rather damn good!

Bugs Bunny in Carrot Blanca:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65duqRL0UvA

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Re: Why tamper with perfection?

Ah, yes...the fad (it did not endure, at least, I *think*) in the 1980's and/or 1990's of "color-izing" b/w classics. The film of which you speak probably was spawned by this phenomenon. I did not know of it, and, so, you have enlightened me. Thank you.

P.S. -- Regarding the ambiance and other qualities of the color version, I'll take your word for it...with all due respect, your opinion notwithstanding, I *still* do not think I could bear to watch it! Yes, I *am* an elderly, contrarian, pain-in-the-ar*e, curmudgeon!

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Ultimate in suspense.

A group of teenagers arrive at a secluded cabin for a post-graduation night of drinking and debauchery in the woods.

No one dies. They talk about stupid things, listen to awful music, and alternately cry, hug, and argue about inconsequential stuff. The beer is watery crap and everyone ends up puking and passing out.

The captain of the football team awakes the next morning...next to a naked, ugly...girl? Guy? (camera fades to black)

Directed by Richard Curtis.

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Pint

Re: Ultimate in suspense.

That sounds more like Tarantino's Death Proof, frankly.

Anyway, my nomination would be the televised version of 'Eye of Argon', arguably the worst book of all time in several dimensions, and as such, a shoe-in for worst film. Directed by David Lynch and produced by Steven Spielberg, original score by the Bee-Gees.

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Avatar you can see the steam comming of it

and the 3d was poor too

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FAIL

FAIL, Reg, just fail...

You thought too hard about how to make a terrible movie. As a result, you've just pitched something that sounds more amusing than Epic Movie, and has "cult" written all over it.

Try again.

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Go

NO, I have the worst movie idea of all time!!!!!

"Koyannisqatsi 2", 120 minutes of stock footage of oil spills, mining, garbage dumps, warfare and recent world political leaders with Fran Drescher doing the voiceover and Al Gore singing "What a Wonderful World" over the closing credits....

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Anonymous Coward

"Wilde"

but with Lord Alfred Douglas played by a girl. (Don't laugh, I remember it being joked about on Parkinson as being suggested by an american movie exec).

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Terminator 8

Paris Hilton as a specially produced terminator model must travel back in time to seduce the fathers of the team who will one day be the founders of the greatest threat to world peace ever. After castrating each of them with her special equipment, those not paying attention are reminded that the only entity seeking world peace in Terminator films is Skynet and she just banged humanity to death. The End.

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How dare you

Sir

How dare you associate the proud name of 50 Cent with this mooted cinematic atrocity?

Yours

Outraged of Tunbridge Wells

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Avatard

I really don't want to describe what this movie would be about. OK, there's a machine, hooks up to folks with "normal" brains and then...no, I really can't finish this.

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Re: Avatard

Sorry, just realised that was kind of the plot of the first movie, except we paid to use the machine.

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This post has been deleted by its author

MrT
Bronze badge

"Based on the popular game..."

"Twister" - nothing about the weather, just a tense thriller where a former circus contortionist turned detective learns who is the mysterious person sending apparently coded messages that have everyone moving in all directions at once.

"Mousetrap" - someone has taken an early bath! A fiendishly complex chain of evens traps a seemingly unimportant worker in a large organisation - a small cog in a big machine... Who did it? Why did they use a boot? How could they have been sure it would work?

"Mousetrap II" - same plot as before, but with three traps that start with the story being flushed away. And most of the new sets are flimsy and one dimensional...

"Hungry Hungry Hippos" - scientists breed a new super-intelligent multi-coloured hippo species in a floating lab in Lake Victoria, in an attempt to find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, obesity and bad dental work. The hippos rebel, cut off communications with the mainland and begin to pick off the scientists one by one.

"Monopoly" - the story of a humble cobbler who makes a fortune through clever licensing deals and becomes the bane of everyone's lives when he tries to make money for the idea of a hole through which a single string-like binding device can be passed. Tries to justify this "Loads Of Dosh System" by claiming rights back through a continuous line of shoe-makers in his family right back to the Lower Palaeolithic Era (a load of old cobblers).

"Battleships" - an effects-laden action special set in the near future where huge floating warships of the United States of Earth take on alien invaders. When the fleet flagship is sunk all seems lost, but with a growl of "You've sunk my battleship", the fleet commander and his trusted half-dressed female SExecutive Officer fire up a spirit of determination in the remaining crew to just about make the audience forget that they've wasted 2 hours 70 minutes of their lives watching this epic fail struggle.

Hang on - the last one seems to have been made already...

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Angel

Worst Movie of a Lifetime

Being older than most, my viewing habits go back futher. I nominate the following as the worsed movies I have watch in my lifetime.

1. Planet 9...........doesn't rate as bad science fiction.

2. Attack of the Killer Klowns..........a circus horror show

3. Earth Girls are Easy............a lot of hard post teen bodies.....plot forgettable

4. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.......can't even remember the plot.

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