OK I read your post, it was actually worse horseshit than I thought it would be. But to answer your points / rants:
"like me wanting a "tablet" that runs programs that are actually productive instead of time wasting?"
They pretty much all are capable of this. Just because you can't find the app you want doesn't mean the hardware is rubbish.
""Tablet" is a broad general description (Sorry Crapple), "
Apple prefer "iPad" derivatives as that is their brandname, however the product is a tablet so not sure what your point was there, other than another chance to show us how clever you are by using "Crapple" instead of "Apple".
"There are plenty of "inexpensive" laptops in the $398 to $598 range that have most of the features I'm looking for. All I am asking for is something similar but in "tablet" form."
Try an iPad - it fits the description you gave almost perfectly.
"Windows or Linux - Really what was so difficult to understand? I'm not looking for a frikkin phone or fondleslab, I want one to use for work."
And here is the crux - you arbitrarily want something Apple don't make and then complain that Apple don't make it. Like me whining that Ford don't make Ferraris.
"I trust that some OS manufacturer has the brains to provide a shell that allows touchscreen operation of the OS and business productivity software such as Word, Excel and Outlook (or a reasonable, fully compatible, facsimile)"
Try an iPad - it does this.
"Next, 8 to 12 hours "reasonable operation""
Again, try an iPad.
"As far as running productivity software, I distinctly remember running the old versions of Word, Excel & Outlook on an 800 megahertz processor with a whopping 1 gig of ram and Windows 98."
Some of us remember running WordPerfect under DOS, what is your point?
"code it like you only have 64k of memory (figuratively for the excessively literal ones out there), it will run just fine."
Try an iPad - runs just fine with whatever program you using.
"Ever hear of Programmable Logic Controllers? No, I guessed as much. "
I was programming PLCs back in the 90s - but on a more rational point, just because you are using dated solutions to old problems it doesn't mean you get to be the sage voice when it comes to modern technology. I humbly suggest the opposite is the case.
"Now would all you hypercritical OCD fanbois all find a cliff and follow the rest of the lemmings over it? Please?"
I think you are the one being hypercritical, a simple criticism would have worked plenty to get the point across but instead you fit it into two of the longest rants posted on El Reg in a long time. In fact us "fanbois" are not actually being critical at all.
Time for your medication I fear.