F*ck you, thunders disgruntled fanboi Apple user
Here's a poser for you: What's the difference between a fanboi and an informed Apple user? The answer? Well, here's the opinion of one Aaron, in response to our piece Apple in Brazilian iPad shocker, in which this hack evidently failed to distinguish between discerning technology aficionados and slavish worshippers at the Church …
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Agree with 'designed for minimally trained individuals'
In my few years as IT support have seen a stream of mac users who know zilch about using what is otherwise a great piece of kit. All Mac users I have seen seem only to know how to use the interface /keyboard/mouse and not have a slightest idea of how to use mac (eg ask any mac use about cmd+tab to cycle thru open applications or even expose ) .
For goodness sake if you profess to be a fanboi of something pretend to know a bit more about the product not just the apple spin.
Disclaimer : I am a apple developer with absolute respect for Microsoft windows in which i dabble a lot. And this is typed on a macbook.
I can't jump becasue...
I've never been fucked by Steve!
Well ok, he fucked me when I bought an iPod, and an iPhone, and an iPad, oh and that MacBook...and don't get me started on the AppleTV.
Actually you know what, fuck Steve Jobs - *jumps*
Joke
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...
The world wants me to innovate more and resell the same crap re-badged over and over again, cause that's what innovation is, hey what's xerox doing?
Windows luser gets all frenetic and says "But I'm the standard! I should be deciding who will jump! and how high! and then they should pay me royalties for it!"
The Linux penguin looks at both of them and jumps from the plane in a fit of suicidal despair, lest he become as detached from reality as his two companions.
The plane crashes because it's still overloaded.
Oh, come on!
The Penguin jumps. It's bloody obvious because he's the only one that has a Launchpad account.
I cant jump because...
...I'm so massively full of hot air that I can help keep this plane aloft whereas the linux penguin is so much of a "down to earth" guy that he's pulling the plane down too much!
I'll go
It turns out that the parachute app was translated from flash and the app store pulled it. It wouldn't help if I jumped said the penguin I'm too damn small to make a difference. Fuck it then i'll go said the luser, I've had more experience of crashes than you two bastards put together anyway
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane...
...and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because the landing will spoil my beautiful face. The penguin says I can't jump because it'll take too long to change into my jumping-out-of-an-aeroplane skin. The luser says I'll jump - you land, drop off the penguin and the fanboi and swing back round for me. I won't have progressed from where I was when you left me behind, the gas and bloat will keep me up and I cam amuse myself flipping through this spreadsheet or colouring up a flow-chart.
well...
...maybe they're all screwed, Nokia got a patent on jumping in 1872.
Because
Im secured to the seat, i cant be moved, undone, loosened or generally made useable in any way at all.
Fuck the lorra 'yas
penguin, luser & fanboi...
I haven't finished saving for my shiny new i-Chute yet.
The parachute ...
The parachute cannot be attached to the fanboi because all fanboi interfaces are proprietary and the parachute uses open standards.
I can't jump because...
I can't pull the rip cord. My fingers are deformed because of the clover leaf, period thing.
I can't jump because...
I've donated so much to the church of Jobs that I can't afford a parachute.
I can't jump because...
...the parachute cords have this magnetic attachment...
I can't jump because...
...the air moisture will trip my sensor and I'll be unsupported.
I can't jump because...
... I've been threatened with legal action if I operate outside the intended specification.
I can't jump because...
... I've exceeded my lifetime allocation of iChute.
Beach balls
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because... The fanboi is suddenly obscured by a large rotating beach-ball, the penguin and luser seize their opportunity and hurl the pratt earthward.
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and
the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...
I am so full of hot air I am actually reducing the weight of the plane. I've ssh'ed into the plane's systems, downloaded the engine management systems byte code into my jailbroken iPad and I am modifying it to increase the thrust, get more lift from the wings and save us all.
The Penguin's eye glazed over has he had heard all this before, many many times, and new it would take several attempts to never quite reach the utopia the fanboi was presenting, complete with animated transitions, in his keynote.
Luser too committed to deliver all this and more, next Tuesday, and set about asking all his fellow passengers for an extra $249 to upgrade to the Ultimate package where he promised airplanes would never crash again.
That was when DoJ and FTC jumped up from their seats at the back of the plane, helped themselves to a nice chunk of the money Luser was about pocket, laughed openly at the penguin knowing he would never convince anyone of his abilities and unceremoniously shutdown the fanboi, grabbed him by the scruff of his black turtleneck sweater and threw him out the door.
because
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because......
"then I'd be gone in a FLASH"
Fuck you
Yeah, Reg hacks *do* behave like sad little twats. Which is a shame because it ain't a bad little website, apart from the staff attitude.
So fuck you (again).
Re: Fuck you
Fuck you twice, good buddy.
Oooh, today is going to be FUN. In a horrible, soul-destroying, intellect-sapping sort of way.
...a disease of ellipses
...I haven't photoshopped my final moments yet.
...you didn't tell me to in Objective-C.
...I would need to lance my ego to fit through the door.
...I like watching penguins fumble with windows.
...the door doesn't respond to pinching or squeezing.
...I still have 23 months to go on my AT&T contract.
Soooo............
There's a Linux penguin, a Fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the Fanboi says, "well, I can't jump because...
...I'm filled with shit, my shoes are filled with semen, my iParachute looks great but isnt designed to open, and besides, the UK version of the Jump app wont be out for another year and is ten times more than I can afford.
The bloated Windows luser waddles over to the viewing screen and looks out at the blue, freezes for 30 minutes for no apparent reason, then says "I cant jump because you wouldnt just be killing me, youd be killing the hundreds of thousands of parasites that live inside me.. and besides, my russian control centre wouldnt allow it."
The Linux penguin shakes its head and says "I love the open, and Im flexible enough to land from here without crashing", and jumps out...
...but despite the exceptionally light weight of the penguin, it's community made Wings arent actually robust enough to fly in a real environment. It crashes to the ground, and looks up at the plane overhead, thinking "after all these years of waiting for my ticket, Ive gotten absolutely nowhere once again".
Windows luser and Fanboi mop up the gravy on the inflight meal, chuckling, as the plane flies off into the distance... but what neither of them have realised, is that the pilot isnt a human at all...
...the one in the driving seat is an Android.
Obvious, really.
"There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because..."
"the iParachute isn't released in the UK until next year".
Singletonians
One liners are apparently beyond the mental grasp of so, so many.
What a shame they are generating the code we will suffer for.
I can't jump because...
...i have a feeling it won't end well... its on the tip of my tongue... somethin 2 do with my message pad and a dude called isaac... in any case, that flag of yours would make a good parachute... and YOU've got wings for job's sake! AND... this is all new to me... surely you 2 must b used 2 crashing by now...?
<shove...>
Because...
...Jumping out a plane is the number one reason for planes crashing. Jumping is also one of the least efficient ways to use your energy and leads to shorter "awake" times. Most importantly, if in the future we think of new things to use instead of legs jumping will be left behind. You may be trying to jump with what we have given you, but there is no way you can guarantee that you will be quick to adapt the newer, better limbs we have added to our system.
Conclusions: Jumping was created for the 2 legged humanoid era. For two legged humanoids and mice. But the mind-meld era is all about low power consumption and open standards. Perhaps the pilot should concentrate more on flying the plane and less on criticising me for leaving the past behind.
Windows and Linux should..
Jump off the plane. Not that big of a deal.
lol
The Penguin looks up from his bottle of vodka and says 'apt-get moo'... http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/pint_32.png
The Apple user just clicks 'Time Machine' and goes back to a state before they took off..... http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/happy_32.png
...The windows user, feeling rather confused about the blue outside the Open Windows, takes a Dump...... http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/alert_32.png
Well
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...
I don't have a parachute. iChute was not approved because it was created using a third party interface as c# strings where not strong enough. Anyway there are always far more apps on Windows the luser must have something he can use.
The luser says I can't jump because although there are a lot of app, iChute was not released so we have nothing to copy. I will be able to jump in another 5 years when Windows 8 has it built right into the OS but I prefer to wait another year or so until SP2 comes out.
The penguin sees that a parachute is required but that current a parachute does not exist. Using freely available tools he creates his own. He (or she) then offers them free to everyone else. The pilot takes one as he can recognise a good thing when he sees it. after all if the plane was OK a few minutes ago but now will not support all of them there is a good chance it's not going to make it.
The fanboi doesn't like the look of t as it is not officially endorsed and is sure that his Steviness will not let him down.
The luser doesn't take one as he is sure that if he doesn't have to pay for it, it must be a trick. After all they are going to die here who in their right mind would not extort him for all he was worth.
The Penguin and the Pilot jump and although the parachute is a bit crap at first, by the time they reach the ground many modifications have been added by many other Penguins and their lives are saved (as are the lives of other Pilots and Penguins in later Planes-too-heavy jokes).
The fanboi and the luser plummet to their deaths with their eyes closed and their fingers in their ears shouting 'Ha ha, stupid Penguin trusts his life to home made crap. Our superiors told us everything will be OK if just do as we are told, they will never lets us down.'
"I can't jump because...."
...there's no (approved) App for that...
Related joke
The pilot comes into the passengers cabin with a parachut on his back and tells the pengiun, the fanboi and the luser the following "The planes about to crash. Unluckily there are only 2 parachutes left. You have to decide who gets them" and jumps out of the plane.
The pengiun, the fanboi and the luser look at each other shocked.
Before the others can say or do anything the fanboi says "I´m too inteligent, sexy and rich to die. I need to live to spread my genes!" grabs a parachute and jumps.
The pengiun looks at the luser and says "Well, i have allways been good. If there is anything like an afterlife it will probably be plesant. You take the chute."
The luser looks at the penguin and says "No need to choose. The inteligent, sexy and rich guy just jumped with my fancy looking rucksack."
I can't jump because...
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows user in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because... a fanboi may not install or launch himself by any means, including without limitation through the use of a plug-in architecture, calling other frameworks, other APIs or otherwise.
Well,
I can't because doors are like Windows, and I don't think my coat is a mac.
from niche to the mainstream...
and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because my weight only contributes to about 3% of the market - if I jumped out, it'd hardly register!
Mine's the one with a copy of Q110 industry sales figures in it
I don't get it.
Is El Reg trying to imply that Nigel Farage is a Mac user?
So riddle me this:
So Stevie-Poo, Tuxie-Boo and Ole Ballsmer aren't even ON the plane yet. They approach the Security Screening Image Scanner as a group.
So which of the three is imaged in "Test-Mode" and their Anatomical Details sold for Easy Cash over the IntarTubes by the TSA perv-on-duty, and why? ;)
Because....
The plane ran out of fuel and crashed before anyone could jump. The pilot calculated his fuel load using Excel 2007.....
I cant jump because...
...the Windows luser should jump. It's his expensive excess baggage that's weighing us down.
...and the fanboi says,
.. I can't jump because I don't see a door, there's only Windows and a Console.
I can't jump because...
I don't weigh anything. Nothing. Zilch. Nowt.
Why don't one of you heavyweights get out.
Can I suggest an alternative?
I wanna be known as the fangoil - in the accent of betty boop of course!
I can't jump because
"There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because..."
....the other two, having been stuck in a room for a while with the fanboi, have already jumped.
Because...
There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...
Jobs needs to jump first!
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