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back to article Life a mess? The Moderatrix can help

It's come to our attention that some of you have lost your way a little on this journey we call life, and are wandering aimlessly while attempting to answer the fundamentals of existence. How do I install a printer driver on Umbongo Linux? I'm hungry - should I order pizza or a bucket-'o-plumped-chicken-gizzards? If I have a …

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IT Angle

Anon with IT Angle in his Pocket.

How do I turn my vast and mostly useless knowledge of current and legacy computing systems into a valid business case for getting women to find me irresistable?

Is your moderatrix really a 45 year old man living in his moms basement with an uncanning knowledge of the finder points of warhammer?

Is that an IT angle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Should I buy the current generation of the EEE, or always wait for the next model until I am too old to remember why I wanted a Banana in the first place?

How can I finish my quest of correcting everyone who are wrong on the internet?

Did you ever own one of the more flattering models of the C64, and if so, could you post any pictures of it? (e.g. C64 or GTFO)

Anon, because my future employers will probably know how to google.

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Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton

I just don't get it.

Why do other men find her attractive? I find her repulsive. Is it her money?

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Heart

Something

I just wish to add my own comment to the general surge of admiration for Sarah ;¬)

This probably counts as "Me Too" in the nascent classification system.

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Thumb Up

Politics

So who's the biggest bunch of arseholes... the government of Burma or Zimbabwe?

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Dear Moderatrix

How do I get this ubuntu off my shoe?

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Bronze badge
Boffin

If a man speaks in a forest and there's no woman there to hear him

is he still wrong?

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RKP
Stop

Fantasies of Moderatrix

How and why do so many of us dream of the lovely Moderatrix when we've scarce seen a picture of her? Her wit does surely show a lass with some degree of intellect, perhaps we are all just lust-hounds for an educated girl?

Where's the picture? WE WANT PICTURES!!!! >>> Please.

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Flame

Here's a Real One

I've got my first job interview tomorrow, what do I do?

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Heart

Hello, Sarah Bee!

Must admit, I'm a big fan of your work!

As I understand it, you were in Shaun of the Dead. Could you tell us which bit, so I can point at the screen and shout, "THAT'S SARAH BEE!"? Thanks!

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Yo-yo

More information might help.

When I lwoke up 7 am today I weighed 13 stone 8 pounds.

Intput/output diary:

7:01 am peepee. volume: 15 seconds worth.

7:15 am approx. 500ml cold water from fridge.

7:40 am Everybody loves Raymond advert break, ate a pear.

8:20 am 1 skimmed milk cappuccino (sp.?) and 3 Marlboro lights outside cafe near work.

9:15 am Pack of M&S chicken and sweetcorn sandwiches (with the healthy eating sunflower on), cup of Earl gray and glass of sparkling water,

9:19 am Burp.

10:48 am Poo.

11:15 am approx 250 ml cold water.

12:00 pm Miso soup and tuna & salmon junior from Itsu.

12:45 pm approx 250ml room temperature water.

2:19 pm Columbian coffee machine coffee.

2:39 pm Peepee.

2:42 pm Marlboro light.

2:51 pm Apple.

4:47 pm aprrox. 250 ml cold water.

5:01 pm Marlboro light.

7.16 pm Peepee.

7:25 pm Lemon sole fillet x 2, mixture of salad leaves, lots of asparagus, 2x bottles of Becks alcohol-free.

7:48 pm Peepee.

8:19 pm Cornetto.

8:43 pm Ejaculation.

9:11 pm cup of chamomile (sp.?) tea.

Now I weigh 13 stone 3 pounds.

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Gold badge
Joke

According to Shoe (the cartoon)..

.. I already have the answer to "what is a good name for a sushi bar for lawyers".

It's Sosumi..

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Happy

Dear Moderatrix...

Please help me, I'm an undervalued software developer and I can’t stop writing pubic void when I should be writing public void. Am I suppressing something, should I learn a language that does not use the pubic keyword?

Please help,

Sexually Frustrated.

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@yoyo

You're full of shit some days, and others not...

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bog reading

Which IEEE or ISO standards can you recommend for my toilet library ?

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Bronze badge
Heart

Question

If I have sex with my hoover, will it give birth to a cleaner?

If not, do you want to come round and tidy my flat instead?

Hope you can help,

Regards,

Steven "What is this shower you speak of? Surely, tis as if man has become god" Raith

PS: I'm so badly tempted to make some kind of smutty comment about staring into the void, but I do worry that Ms Bees pseudo-S+M connotations would be replaced by plain violence if I did that.

PPS: I make them ask nicely before I stare into the void. My that's a well aimed hammer Ms Bee *splunch*

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Never mind the woodchucks.

The real question is..

How many pies can a porpoise poise on purpose if it pleases

(yes I know it dates me)

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Thumb Down

Comments here are pointless, heinous and horrible...

...like watching animal liberation front members trying to free infected hamsters from Porton Down.

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Jay
Heart

My real question:

I've heard rumor that it is perfectly legal to engage in extra-hour activity in public in France; as long as you don't manage to ... leave anything behind on public property. Is this true?

And given the accuracy of the average couple in full swing, would falling asleep on a park bench in France make me a whore?

Mine's the one that sticks.

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Guy

@RKP

Pictures? You want Pictures?

Well your obviously either not an avid Reg reader, or have a very poor memory, I believe you'll find some pictures of el Moderatrix in the article on El Reg's 10th Birthday.

I would include the link, but well, I'm feeling evil, and seeing if you can use the search function properly.

P.S. Nice glasses El Moderatrix....

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Anonymous Coward

real question

when im drink i find java too complicated and girls very attractive

when im sober i find java very interesting and girls very unattractive

i can understand the java thing, but why are girls so unattractive when im sober?

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Pervy cat

ROFLCOPTERS

Ms. BEE, have you seen Touching the Void?

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IT Angle

Lust-hound for an educated girl..

.. yup! That's me. Why else would I be signed up to Guardian SoulMates, eh? LOL

;¬)

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RKP
Flame

Oh no there are photos

Be afraid guys...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/04/18/el_reg_birthday/

She looks mean :-0

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OK a big one

Been bugging me for years this. Was the answer really 42?

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Joke

Good morning - It's Groundhog Day !

Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.

Can we have a clear classification system for posters?

The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.

The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!

The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure

The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.

The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position

There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments

:o)

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Heart

Problem

I have this girl I really like, it's going really well.

I've just got a problem. I haven't told her my dirty secret.

I'm, I'm, (swallow), an IT Manager.

I desperately love her, but I'm scared if I tell her my dirty secret she'll leave me for a "graphic artist" or some other tosser.

On the other hand, I'm scared she'll ask me one day to fix her computer, and find out my dirty secret anyway.

How do I approach this subject?

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Anonymous Coward

the Usenet Oracle has pondered your question:

"Are puppies crunchier than kittens?"

The Oracle answers: Ewwww!

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Happy

"Strict Guidance"?!

Sounds like a business opportunity!

If you need any (ahem!) "equipment" to ensure the guidance is strict...!

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Anonymous Coward

I have a problem...

I live in Seattle (no, that's not the problem).

Several years ago, I was about to attend a relative's funeral, when the phone rang. It was my boss, at the plant hire company where I worked. He asked me to call in on their biggest client (a well known softare company), and check on a reported Aulacosternum Nigrorubrum infestation attacking the bonsai in the boardroom.

As it happened, they were interviewing candidates for a senior position that day, and mistook me for someone who, as I later discovered, was tragically killed in an electric toothbrush accident that same morning. The upshot is that I found myself being interviewed, and my observations on plant care were misconstrued as an insightful metaphor on maintaining bug free software.

So far I have been able to fake it, but now that a major release has taken place, my position as head of Product Testing is being threatened by some perceived inadequacies in the software.

What should I do?

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Happy

What the dickens...

...am I doing reading this nonsense at nearly four in the morning?

I shall now retire, and wonder why so few Reg readers have real life problems that they are keen to share with a community of smutty, showerless and very occasionally witty people, few of whom know the function of the shift key, and who may indeed only have three fingers, given that they can't reach far enough left to find the apostrophe.

Good morning :)

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Into the VOID

By Sarah Bee

"Come on, folks. Dig deeper. Stare into the void.

Into the VOID."

I looked up VOID and it the all knowing Interweb said...

–noun

8. an empty space; emptiness: He disappeared into the void.

9. something experienced as a loss or privation: His death left a great void in her life.

10. a gap or opening, as in a wall.

11. a vacancy; vacuum.

Does this mean that The Register is a vacuum, vacant or an opening?

If so, are we wasting time here and should I just stick to my slashdot overlords?

Are we able to ask more than one question?

If not, how will we know, as it's not the first one I asked?

Lastly, I think I have some Ubuntu on my shoe, it tastes a bit nutty. :S

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Coat

I didn't respond yesterday ...

Because I was flying across the international date line from Los Angeles to Sydney. I went straight from the 14th to the 16th. Where was I on the 15th?

Mine's the coat with ... er, its just not there right now.

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self restraint needed

Just how in the name of Dawkins can i stop my primal urges to choke the living sh1t out of stupid people?

Quick! they're coming to ask me questions again.. must .. not... reach... for .. gloves...

too late.

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and

how can I make enought time to read all the el-reg articles and play world of warcraft and install linix and also do my job

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wy does evrey body critizie my spellng?

and how do I gte thme to stpo?

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re:Re: Chirpy Breakfast Companion

the next question is

"what the hell are you going to do about it"

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is there threpory

for comment thred addiction??

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The Rules

Every male knows the One Rule of the Gents:

Thou Shalt Not Speak To Another Man While You Both Are In The Bog.

For this is true and right and good. Most of the people I know who were brought up in civilized society, and even some Americans, know the rule.

A co worker doesn't. Upon seeing me engaged in the favoured pass-time of Dr. James Riddle he had the bare-faced cheek to address me by name! I didn't answer, but my observance of the rules didn't enlighten him. He continued, delving into some horribly boring technical support problem. I finished and brushed past the incompetent in a hurry to exit (men aware of the rules know better than to wash their hands), and he *carried on speaking*.

So, my question is thus: Just what revenge should I take for this gross breach of human decency?

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Sam

Question

Why is there only one monopolies commission?

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One of lifes big questions

Does tea cool at a linear rate ?

I mean - in the pre and post milk phase ?

will my tea cool quicker without milk or once the cooling effect of the milk itself is removed from the equation will it cool quicker from that lower tempreture ?

I really need to know

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Boffin

@One of lifes big questions

Chris,

Liquids cool more quickly the hotter they are compared with their surroundings. So, for maximum cooling wait a few minutes then add the milk.

However, you are probably one of the iconoclasts who make tea with a tea-bag in a cup - Do yourself a favour and invest in a teapot. Making your tea in a cup will make it taste terrible. You really should put the milk in the cup first, then add the brewed tea. This prevents degradation of milk proteins which is liable to occur if milk encounters temperatures above 75°C.

Ref: http://www.rsc.org/pdf/pressoffice/2003/tea.pdf

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Coat

Why does my nose run and my feet smell?

Why does my nose run and my feet smell?

Just wondered as it seems perverse.

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Anonymous Coward

@Jonathan Richards - Shift keys.

>few of whom know the function of the shift key

nO, i StIlL dOn'T gET It.

wHAt CoULd It bE FOr?

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Sam

and sixthly

What genius launched a comment magnet like this article on a day when Sarah is just waiting for pub o'clock?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: and sixthly

Truly it's a hard life, Sam.

Thanks all for these. Answers soon. Stop chewing on your nails, it is unsightly.

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Paris Hilton

Another question for the inimitable Ms Bee

I have a very good lady friend in the US who is very much into me. I have lady friends who are very into me on this side of the Atlantic, but they are all quite unavailable.

Should I blow my VAT money on a ticket to the US, and shag her in ways which, should they be recorded, would now probably get a UK based viewer arrested?

Or should I continue on with the UK slog and carry on having half a dozen married women swear that they haven't got a clue as to why I am single?

Go on, lets hear your opinion on that one, m'dear!

Paris - because her video antics should be illegal too.

Steven R

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