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back to article I am a recovering Superwoman wannabee

Working moms such as me often fall into the trap of the Superwoman syndrome. The Superwoman syndrome describes the woman that tries to achieve it all: the pursuit of a successful career and a happy family life. The Superwoman can tackle any challenge thrown at her; she is invincible. She can carry all three kids on her back …

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          1. DragonLord
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            Re: What does this have to do with anything?

            "It would be harder for a man to do what she is doing also as women help each other out but won't help out a man in the same situation."

            Only because the social expectations for men is that they must be the "bread winner", able to "shoulder their fair share of the load", "don't cry", etc.

            Trust me, men have as many problems as women do in the work place, it's just that ours are much less obvious because we live with them. One of those problems is that we believe that we are expected to do it ourselves. If we just asked, for the most part people would be willing to help.

            This is also part of the super_______ complex, where we take on a role and get used to it being our role and never stop to say "I can't do all of this", even when life gives us a massive hint like stress related illnesses.

            When I was younger I promised myself that I'd do one thing every day that's just for me. Do you have any idea how hard it can be to keep that promise.

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          2. Alfred
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            Re: What does this have to do with anything?

            "This topic is someone complaining who has it far easier than loads of other women in the same situation with a really crappy job."

            Ah, there's the problem. You've got the reading comprehension skills of a child, coupled with a totally unjustified confidence in your own abilities, leading you to miss the point but invent one of your own instead to carry away on your poorly explained tangent.

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        2. Intractable Potsherd
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          Re: What does this have to do with anything? @Alfred

          "So you've got someone very good at their job, and in an emergency they're happy to come in on their day off and do some extra work. That's got nothing to do with the topic at hand."

          I think it does have something to do with it. There is a lot of misuse of the words "emergency", "crisis", "disaster" in the IT industry. Almost nothing that can happen is life-or-death, and the pressure that sysadmins etc are put under is entirely false. Surgeons are some of the very few people in modern life who can actually make life-or-death decisions, and they generally wear that responsibility lightly - most have a very good work-life balance, at least when they become consultants.

          Most of the work in the IT departments comes from the expectations of others, not from *real* crises, yet it suits some(many?) of the people doing the job to play into the idea that they are doing something exceptional and invaluable. That plays into the situation the author of the article writes about ... a need to feel special and in a position of power, when, in the wider scheme of things, it isn't. A server going down isn't going to lead death, destruction or apocalypse - there is some urgency, but in the end all will be well.

          So, yes, the OP was contributing to the debate.

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    2. SolidSquid
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      Re: Ah yes...

      That'll be all the fertilizer they added to get greener grass then

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    3. Robert Grant
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      Re: Ah yes...

      Dude, why are you eating grass?

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  2. h3

    What modern people consider hard work is a joke compared to what my grandfather did when he was in his 20's and 30's.

    Time in the Army.

    12hrs - 5 days a week - 6 hours Saturday Morning.

    6pm - 12am studying to be a chartered engineer.

    Fixing up a completely empty house up all weekend.

    Modern anything is nothing compared to that.

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    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
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      And upwards both ways!

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    2. DragonLord
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      And what was his diet and exercise regime like? When was lights out? did he do that every single day or (as I suspect) did he actually take quite a bit of time out and make up the studying on Sunday? Back in the early 20th century people tended to a) sleep longer b) need to deal with less things in a day compared to our information overload today c) walk most places. This was true well into the 70's too.

      The other point to make is that this was in his 20's and 30's, when did he become a chartered engineer? I bet it was before or very early into his 30's, as again younger people are more able to burn the candle at both ends.

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  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Invisible

    I have a friend who is a widowed single father, and he's fighting some of the same battles, as well as "pah, being a single father is easy, the mother looks after the kids".

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lifestyle choice

    Having children is a lifestyle choice. If you can't cope with bringing up a family and bringing enough money in to do so properly, then don't have children. Why is this so hard to grasp?

    And please for God's sake stop playing the gender card, and stop whining about how hard you've got it. The world owes you nothing, and plenty of adults and children around the world work a damn site harder for a lot longer for a hell of a lot less.

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    1. Trixr
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      Re: Lifestyle choice

      And just how many blokes have you voiced this opinion to? You know, all those dads in the office who have their super-privileged jobs - how much less crap do they receive if they work ridiculous hours and neglect the family.

      And "the starving children in Africa would be grateful for your leftovers" is an argument that wears off when you're about 12, I reckon. We're not talking global inequity here - we are talking about the differences between colleagues sitting right next to each other.

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      1. Anonymous Coward
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        Anonymous Coward

        @Trixr

        What on Earth are you going on about? No-one except you mentioned Africa. Why Africa anyway?

        I think AC's point was that if you can't cope with having a family, then the best thing is not to have one. It's the height of narcissistic selfishness to have kids that you can't cope with, then drone on incessantly about how complex your life is, whilst expecting your (possibly childless) colleagues to pick up the work you can't do.

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      2. Swarthy
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        Re: Lifestyle choice (@Trixr)

        I'm sorry.. What super-privileged jobs?

        If I even came close to "working ridiculous hours and neglect[ing] the family", I would get about as much crap at home as I would at work if I came in late, and bunked off early on a regular basis.

        The trick is to "ahem" balance work and personal life. Yes, I sometimes leave work early to meet a familial obligation, and sometimes I work longer hours ..because I'll be taking time off for familial obligations.

        And sometimes, I work extra hours because I need the money..for familial obligations.

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    2. James 36
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      Re: Lifestyle choice

      " If you can't cope with bringing up a family and bringing enough money in to do so properly, then don't have children."

      this comment ranks as one of the stupidest comments I have read,

      because of course you can predict the future and your ability to cope with a situation of which you have little or no knowledge,

      how do you know until you do it ?

      it isn't all about the money either, there are good and bad parents from all economic backgrounds

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      1. Anonymous Coward
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        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Lifestyle choice

        Hopefully James 36, you're not one of these fathers who regularly arrives in late and bunks off work early 'because the kids just have to go to ${somewhere}' or 'they have to do ${something}', and has the arrogance to assume he has rights over his colleagues because he's managed to procreate and they have chosen not to or are unable to do so.

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  5. RISC OS

    @reg editors

    For the greater good... please add a URL to the full image of the woman in the superwoman costume

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    1. Intractable Potsherd
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      Re: @reg editors

      Type a combination of the words "Megan", "Fox", and "Superwoman" into the search engine of your choice - it will be fairly high on the list.

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  6. david 12 Silver badge

    Minorities

    As a university teacher in a male-dominated campus, I got to see a new batch of students negotiating the protocols every year. The basic problem everybody had was that if you are a single exception in the group, there isn't a social standard against which to compare your own behaviour and the behaviour of others.

    This was true for all minorites, but the easist thing to observe was that every year we would get complaints from singleton girls that the boys in their group treated them differently than they treated each other, and matching complaints from other singleton girls that the boys in their group treated them exactly like they treated each other.

    Without any basis for comparison, the boys didn't know an appropriate way to treat female co-workers, and the female co-workers didn't have any way to know if they were being mistreated. We didn't have any correct answers either: but we could observe that the obvious answers were wrong: you can't treat a single female member of class the same way you treat all the other boys, and you can't treat her differently.

    Of course what you need to do is to treat them equally, not the same, but in the absence of context it proves to be very difficult to establish what the equivilant behaviour and language is for minority representatives.

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  7. James 36

    Blah

    I always find the phrase "overlooked for promotion" to be slightly odd.

    First off that implies the control of the situation was not yours or some external factor was at play to deny you the promotion you deserved. Is this really the case ?

    Did you do everything you could to get the promotion or did you just work hard and expect it ?

    If you think getting a promotion in the organisation you are in involves doing things outside of your boundaries then try the job market

    If you feel you aren't being valued where you are then try the job market.

    If nothing happens maybe you have found your level so be happy with that, or keep trying the job market whilst balancing your job/home life.

    or just ignore all of the above as it is only my opinion and based on my narrow experience of the UK IT job market. The author is American and things are almost certainly different there.

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    1. DragonLord
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      Re: Blah

      In many cases of discrimination the control really isn't yours (hence the term). and if you're part of a minority that suffers from Glass ceiling/Glass cliff syndrome you have a work place version of Poe's law going on, in that unless you're happy that there's no discrimination where you work, then you may look at someone else getting a promotion who (in your opinion, and maybe that of some others) is far less qualified for the job than you, and have no way of telling if it's because of something they can do that you can't that makes them a better candidate for the job, they're being promoted out of the way, or you've been discriminated against. Equally when you get a promotion you're never sure if it's because you were actually good at the job or because they needed someone of your minority and you fit the bill.

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  8. codejunky Silver badge

    Interesting

    My better half has in the last year been getting more and more feminist which has only brought to my attention how stupid some feminists are. Take this article for example, gotta keep up with the others, wanna match up to the others, want to be able to get everything sorted at home and at work, etc. Now if this was a normal person (bloke or woman) this is over stressing and not balancing work/life. Or from a feminist/sexist point of view this is the toil and difficulty of being a woman in a man run world.

    I dont understand the desire to be the victim. Why add that your a woman to the list of problems? It is like adding the sky is blue, its irrelevant. If you said that there were specific instances of sexism which are easily defined and not paranoia(/desire to be the victim) then you have an actual complaint.

    It amazes me the dumb assumption that men have it easy because they are men. Or that women have it hard because they are women. It does reduce the sympathy I can have for the tale of woe.

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    1. DragonLord
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      Re: Interesting

      I believe that this article is about they why they are feeling this way rather than whether it's actually expected. I suspect that you'd find that a large number of people feel the same way as the author.

      On the other hand I agree with this: "It amazes me the dumb assumption that men have it easy because they are men. Or that women have it hard because they are women. It does reduce the sympathy I can have for the tale of woe." however I feel that it's not actually what the article was about.

      To summarise the article - The author has been working all the hours she can to do well at her job, and then at home has been working all the hours she can to have a wonderful family and sacrificed her personal time to do this. She has just realised that she can't keep doing this even though she still feels that she has to and is walking the hard path to a good work life balance.

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      2. codejunky Silver badge
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        Re: Interesting

        @DragonLord

        I hope so but I am not so sure. This is the second article of hers I have read which cries how hard life is because she is a woman and its all the blokes fault (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2013/08/29/women_in_it_column/).

        In both articles she cant get past being female and seems to think it is a terrible thing (probably blaming men for that too). The irritating thing is she has actually got something to say that is worth saying, but she doesnt seem to understand the worthwhile point. Her last article explained how making yourself a sore thumb will make you the odd one out. In this one she is talking about work life balance and the stress involved. Both are very good topics.

        But when I read her articles all I can ask is what bloke did what to her that was so bad that she cant get over it. Or is it penis envy? If she would get past banging on that she is a woman and men dont have these problems she would have an appealing article for both men and women. Instead of realising she is like the rest of us she makes comments like this-

        "My early days in tech were bumpy. I struggled with stereotyped perceptions of women in IT that I thought I had overcome, but in reality I still had not. I felt - and still continue to feel - not equal to my colleagues. I had to prove myself to them to gain acceptance. Was it my own insecurities or the unknowing actions of my male colleagues that gave me this fear?

        To be honest, probably a mixture of both."

        Yet she seems to think the insecurities are centred around her being a woman! Who hasnt felt they might not be equal to their colleagues or had to prove themselves? Especially when starting out. But this idiot boils a legitimate problem, a real concern, something we all go through and claims it in the name of being a woman.

        It does irk me because most of us go through various uncertainties and they are legitimate feelings to work through. So telling men they dont have problems and only ego's while telling women that their legitimate feelings are all because they are a woman in the workplace surrounded by men doesnt help anyone. It probably does turn women off joining IT.

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        1. Swarthy
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          Thumb Up

          Re: Interesting

          I wish I could up-vote you more. Thank you for phrasing the objections I had with the article better than I could.

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  9. Wardy01

    ROFL

    Seriously???

    Replace the word "woman" with "man" and re-read that article.

    Everything still applies (apart from the high heels of course) ... women like you crack me up.

    This is a competitive industry for men too, there's always someone after that job and from a business managers point of view they promote the person they feel will commit the most to the business.

    A single person with no outside commitments is probably working more hours than you because they don't have to raise kids is just 1 factor.

    Poor you ...

    This article is total BS!

    If you want more from life go get it stop whining about it.

    FYI: My boss is a woman and chooses to be at work rather than at home raising kids, i'd love her job but I really can't be bothered with the hours she does so fair play to her.

    On top of that, the MD in our company is female, she has kids and never moans about life.

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    1. mike2R
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      Re: ROFL

      Would this article really have been better if she'd tried to generalise to the point where it applied to everyone.

      "For a man/woman/indeterminate who is working/serving in the military/dealing with being severely handicapped while balancing working long hours/being shot at/not being able to move his/her/its legs along with raising children/breeding prizewinng goldfish/feeding their heroine addiction, you can get over stressed (unless of course you thrive on stress, then maybe you don't have enough stress).. where was I?"

      Seems more reasonable to me that she wrote about what she knew.

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  10. Jerky Jerk face

    This all seems rather sexist, assuming that men dont raise their children at all?

    I work all day and i am a man so i demand zero responsibility? This isnt the 50s you know.

    Also i wouldnt mind a few more females hold a door for me once in a while, it does swing both ways you know.

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  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You need the Scary Devil Monastery

    aka alt.sysadmin.recovery

    A nice relaxing afternoon of LARTing will soon see you right :-)

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  12. Robert Grant

    Women?

    WomenPeople like me overcompensate for our fears by working harder, pushing more and more.

    Fixed that for you.

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  13. verdox

    Divorce rates, single parent families, rampant teenage hoodies, teenage pregnancy and alcohol abuse. It’s all because you want baaaaabis and a career, and you want the man in your life to be perfect Facebook material (so you can tell your social networking friends how he cooked you a meal after a day’s work, or how he did the housework, or got you a lovely gift) then weeks later pour your heart out to everyone you went to school with after he finally gives up and leaves, leaving you a crippling burden on the economy raising your children.

    Let your man love you, take care of you and provide for you and his family. Raise your children and be there for them OR get a job and forget the juggling act, either way, stop moaning.

    And to all the feminists poised to reply, I guarantee you that you will end up single (if you are not divorced at least once already), but go ahead, tell me how perfect your life is and how you can have it all.

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  14. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Success in IT

    > the jobs are more competitive and demanding with long hours

    It does sound to me like most of the pressure is coming from within.

    My experience of working (some might even say: succeeding) in IT is to do what you say you will, at the time you have stipulated and with as little drama and error as you can muster. There's nothing wrong with saying "I can't do that" - except the injuries done to personal pride. You might even get thanked for saying-so up front, rather than your inability to deliver becoming apparent when it's too late to fix it (unless you have found someone else to lay the blame on). You will get the occasional arsehole of a boss who puts you down and belittles you for admitting to limitations, but planting some pr0n on his/her computer is an easy fix to that problem (and might even get you to fill the ensuing vacancy).

    If you feel pressure to excel - one that my colleagues will testify that I have never felt - then that's something within you, as a person. Nobody else is driving you. Any demands you have (reasonable or otherwise) are ones you place on yourself: either though having agreed to someone else's agenda, or from some sort of self-image that requires you meet some sort of standard.

    A successful IT person is a happy IT person. No more, no less (and you can probably scratch "IT" from that aphorism).

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  15. Patrick R

    Thanks for leading us out of all the cliches.

    Now... what do you think of the boobies that lead to this article from the front page ?

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  16. Ellz

    Is this real?

    I don't believe that the writer of this is being serious.

    But it really does bug me as a man (aged 24) to read about how "unfair" it is being a woman.

    It would be a different story if there were actual examples or realistic fears, but to just throw it out there like "it could be my fears...but it's Probably mens fault as well" i mean what the hell?!

    Bringin in some REAL sexism, yeah this article is the kind of thing i would expect from a female.

    Argumentative, passively aggressive, extremely subtly sexist and it's all pieced together to get a reaction or some sort of dramatic response.

    Well i don't like to keep a lady waiting so here's my dramatic response to all feminists:

    Poor men that have to deal with women their whole lives in an attempt to satisfy our instinctual coding, to find a mate, (men always have to ask first, or are expected too..that includes proposals) do manual labor (opening those jars really is challenging) and then when we get home, our ideas of extra curricular activities is shot down with a "oww but I have a headache and my favorite soap opera is on" and then if (on the rare occasion) us men are too tired, suddenly we are being unaffectionate?! OR ACTING DIFFERENTLY (accusations of cheating come in) It's could just be my worries.......but it's probably females just as much.

    ON a personal note,

    My whole life I have treated everyone equally based on the variables that should be added into the mix (such as is he an a-hole or if shes a cheating lying scumbag) and how far has that got me? people take advantage of kindness, the women get bored of you, they take you for granted, and they cheat on you. 3 individuals each have shown this such behavior.

    I'll still continue to treat everyone based on the variables they give me because that's the proper way.

    Something for the writer to think about - perhaps you feel like you are treated differently because you treat other with more hostility then you think. Your colleagues are not stepping stones or rungs in a ladder for you to climb up to where you want to be. Monster.

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    1. DragonLord
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      Re: Is this real?

      One thing you'll find is that those attributes that seem to be holding you back from relationships now will hold you in good stead in a few years time once everyone's finished maturing and people actually want long term relationships rather than the hottest guy on the block.

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