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back to article Gadgets are NOT the perfect gift for REAL men

Let’s pretend it’s your birthday. For some of you, it may actually be your birthday, in which case you’re going to find this bit simple enough. Now, what kind of present would you like? Concentrate as I work myself into a trance. The mists are clearing... you want... you want... some sort of techie gadget. Well, that was easy …

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      1. N2
        Reply Icon

        Re: Dutch Oven...

        Thats very poor of her not to appreciate your carefully stored & matured flatulence. I suggest further training as follows:

        1. Try and concentrate on a high fibre diet, pea or onion soup combined with a roast dinner & stuffing. Then perhaps a curry, timing and order of these are essential.

        2. Next consider the pre delivery approach, you have to hook your one leg around hers . Then in one move of the free leg, cover her in the duvet at the same time embracing with your arms, this renders her unable to move.

        3. Deliver. Timing here is vital, too much pressure will result in disaster. Hold firm if she wriggles but if successful, the potent aroma circumnavigates foreplay and she will demand immediate satisfaction.

        4. It may be inadvisable to smoke afterwards

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    2. bikerdev
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      WTF?

      Dutch Oven?

      I am guessing you don't mean the sort that happens under a duvet? If she enjoyed that then she's one wacky lady ;)

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    3. Andrew Moore
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      The strange thing is a Dutch Oven and a slow cooker are essentially the same thing.

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  2. monkeyfish

    Best. gift. ever.

    Get your whole family, immediate, extended, all, to give you the gift of a day to yourself. You may do as please. Go out, stay in, tinker in the shed, and no one will even speak to you unless spoken to.

    Surely that's what every man wants? Yes?

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    1. Intractable Potsherd
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      Re: Best. gift. ever.

      I've asked for that several times. It is about as popular as telling people that I don't care about birthdays (see comments above from other posters).

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      1. Anonymous Coward
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        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Best. gift. ever.

        You could try asking for a shed. Same result; more diplomatic.

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  3. ukgnome
    Coat

    I bought the wifelet a vacuum cleaner, and not a posh fancy Dyson, I am sure she loved it! I did also buy her a fancy shiny shiny slate as well, so maybe the droid tech is the gift that prompted her her smiles. But in my mind it was the cheapo vacuum cleaner, hey it had a hippo filter which is useful right, I mean who want's to inadvertently suck up a hippo.

    Actually my Wife hardly ever buys me tech as that would be like buying me a tie. In fact I ask for puzzle boxes and all manner of things that make my brain hurt. And she usually gets bought a gadget, it's a sort of present reversal as she is an academic (just how many degrees does one women need) and I'm more stuck in my world of IT hell.

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  4. Cliff

    Nothing in flimsy plastic

    That includes crappy bopping monkeys and cheapo real headphones, anything sold as a 'gifts for him' in BHS, etc. It's fit for landfill before it arrives. Nothing with a screen either, if it's in the gifts league it'll be crap - I spend many hundreds of quids on the best smartphones at their expensive sunrise technology peak, whatever you find will not compete. Best present this year was a good spy novel :) Oh, and some nice hot horseradish.

    For the Mrs, I still really on guesswork but have found transient stuff like nice flowers and snazzy picnic foods work well. Grand gesture gifts usually fall flat so have given them up!

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  5. Kristian Walsh Silver badge

    Reminds me of the story where Bill Shankly (legendary former manager of Liverpool FC, for non UK readers) was seen in the stands at a football match with his wife beside him.

    Catching up with him later, a reporter jokingly asked: "So, did you bring your wife to the game as an anniversary present?", to which reply was: "No, it was her birthday. Do you honestly believe I'd go and get married in the middle of the football season?"

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  6. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Don't buy me tech; please!

    If you want to deduct this to 'real men' then I think 'real men' better buy their own tech goodies.

    I don't know about you, but when I get myself a goodie I'm a nitpicker. When I set my eyes on model 3515SB1a I most certainly will not settle for 3515SB1b, even though we might be talking about minor differences. Simply because I read the specs for the 'a model' and I know what it can't do. "This one is just as good" does not cut it for me when talking tech.

    I'm weird enough to pay close attentions to details like that, but I honestly doubt some of my non-tech friends or even my gf would. So to avoid any awkward situations or ending up with tech goodies I might not even use I'd rather have my friends not buy me stuff like that.

    For my last birthday my gf treated me (and herself ;-)) to a nice dinner in a restaurant. That's the kind of stuff I really enjoy much more than a well meant attempt of giving me some tech stuff.

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    1. Intractable Potsherd
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      Re: Don't buy me tech; please!

      There is a lot of truth to that. In the past, I have tried to be as specific as possible about what I want (having been hedged into a corner by the "but you can't buy your own present" non-argument). It was then my fault because the sales-monkey had, for whatever reason, not just handed one over (pre-internet shopping, of course), and the standard birthday argument ensued because I *had* got what I wanted :-(

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  7. Kubla Cant

    The problem with a gadget as a gift for a techie is that it's likely to be inferior to, and possibly more expensive than, the model that you'd have bought yourself after exhaustive research.

    So-called "kitchenalia" seems to be acceptable to both sexes (except unredeemed men who can't cook and old-school feminists who won't). My ex-wife recently gave me a food mixer and a pasta maker, both very welcome. I'm thinking of buying her some decent kitchen knives, as the ones in her kitchen are blunt rubbish, but for some reason I'm queasy about the idea of a knife as a gift.

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    1. Irony Deficient
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      knives as a gift

      Kubla Cant, as long as the gift of cutting is accompanied with a storage block, you have no need to feel queasy. If you still can’t shake that feeling, perhaps a knife sharpener would be an acceptable substitute? Or even a gift certificate to have her current set sharpened, rather than a device to do so herself?

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    2. Intractable Potsherd
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      Pasta-maker

      Ah, yes - the only "tech" I've ever bought for a woman that was appreciated (she had asked for it specifically, and went with me to make sure I got the right one).

      Completely wasted on me - pasta is pasta is pasta. It is a flour and water paste in different shapes. There is (in my opinion) no difference between the cheapest dried stuff from the bottom shelf in Morrison's and the stuff my wife spends hours making (and then giving to people as presents ...)

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  8. Haku
    Coat

    How To Please A Woman Every Time:

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship ....

    How To Please A Man Every Time:

    Show up naked with beer.

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    1. Alistair Dabbs
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      Re: How To Please A Woman Every Time:

      So, your recommendation is that I buy her a thesaurus?

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      1. dogged
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        Re: How To Please A Woman Every Time:

        Or the edited highlights of a Carry On film collection, apparently.

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    2. N2
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      Re: How To Please A Woman Every Time:

      Fuck me, she'd be snoring her head off after that lot,

      Just use your tongue in some interesting places.

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  9. Darryl

    See-through stapler?

    Dabbsy, I don't think you have entirely got the idea when it comes to getting the wife something see-through as a gift... Just sayin'

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  10. Lloyd
    Holmes

    I'd like to think that my wife would never buy me tech

    She knows bugger all about it and would invariably buy the wrong thing, she's also sensible enough to know that. She did however get me a signed photo of Bruce Campbell which has pride of place in the dining room.

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    1. Alistair Dabbs
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      Re: I'd like to think that my wife would never buy me tech

      >> signed photo of Bruce Campbell

      Groovy.

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  11. Zmodem

    its all about the hard to find li-ion battery charger that does'nt need that travel adaptor with a 1 amp fuse and takes 24 hours to charge for 15 mins of 1200 lumens flashlight

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  12. Terry 6 Silver badge
    Pint

    Surprise

    She doesn't like surprises and I don't get many chances to acquire gadgets.

    So we tell each other what we want.

    In plenty of time.

    Then we wait for the surprise gift that we know we'll like.

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  13. David Hicks

    Wanna Hang?

    Right, so wanna hang allows you to remotely/discretely proposition potential mates in the same room. One presumes then that these folks are supposed to also be running the App, which will ping and beep when a message is received.

    And this is a non-interruption?

    Either way, it requires someone else to go into a pre-meditated "yes I'm looking for some attention" state, which seems pretty bloody unlikely outside of a 1970s car-key party.

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  14. Don Jefe

    Gift for a Mans Man

    If whisky isn't appropriate and they don't smoke I get them a hammer. A man can never have too many hammers and these Gramercy cabinet makers hammers are great.

    http://www.toolsforworkingwood.com/store/dept/CGT/item/GT-KHAM.XX/Gramercy_Tools_Kings_County_Cabinetmaker's_Hammers

    They look wonderful, present well and no one has ever been disappointed. If nothing else they are caught off guard and you can't help but admire the craftsmanship.

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  15. WylieCoyoteUK

    I have bought my wife gadgets that she likes.

    A digital photo frame, later replaced by a wall mounted PC in the kitchen, which is used for recipes , music, and as a digital photo frame.

    A Netbook, recently replaced by a Nexus7.

    I have also bought her gadgets that did not go down as well..

    Best present I ever bought her was a holiday to Nantes, which included a trip on the Sultan's Elephant at the Machines de l'ile. (mega gadgetry!)

    She in turn has treated me to a food mixer, and more recently, a baking stone, a baker's peel and a grignette amongst other farinaceous gadgetry....

    In the past I have had expensive Olive oil and a large container of Saffron...

    But mostly, these days we just buy ourselves what we want, it's easier.

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  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Alistair, I seem to remember you started the techi gifts when you were in Rodes all those years ago so things haven't changed much since then.

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    1. Alistair Dabbs
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      >> when you were in Rodes all those years ago

      You should have seen my mother-in-law's face when she unwrapped a foot-massage roller we'd given her one Christmas. She managed to open the end of the parcel so carefully that the roller slipped out neatly on its own, leaving the packaging and instructions unnoticed inside the wrapping paper. She held it upright and stared at it for a full minute before we spotted her and were able to assure her that it wasn't a carved phallic totem.

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  17. Benedict

    @Pete 2, GHD hair straighteners are apparently an exception to that rule.

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  18. KBeee
    Coat

    Perfect gift

    What woman wouldn't LOVE a 3D printer????

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  19. Nogbad1958

    Real women like tools!

    My sweetie has had a hammer, a set of screwdrivers and a stepladder in recent times, all of which garnered me extra cuddles! Of course it does help if said sweetie is of the bodge it yourself variety, and it means I don't have to think where the h**l is my stepladder when I start a job.

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  20. Steve Davis

    I once bought my wife an handheld electric whisk which she immediately recycled as a projectile. Ouch!

    I bought my son a torque wrench. He waited until he got home before opening it in case it was a disappointing wind up (carnations in a torque wrench box). Phoned me to say it was the best present he had ever been given.

    My daughter bought me a Chinese wok set a few years ago and I am ashamed to say that it is in the back of the cupboard unopened. Still using the wok I bought in the Chinese supermarket 20-odd years ago for about two quid.

    The video of Clockwork Orange, still unopened after five+ years :(

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  21. N2

    My best gifts

    A brand new .22 rifle & an axe with a hickory handle, really nice balance.

    & Im hoping to get a Husky 365Xp for my birthday - please

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  22. Shanghai Tom
    Joke

    Birthday Treat

    It was my Wife's birthday , and as we were walking down the road we walked past a Restaurant, "Ah, that smells good", she said.

    So being the Northern softie that I am I walked her past it again....

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