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back to article You thought watching cat videos was harmless fun? Think AGAIN

It's well known that if all the cat videos and porn disappeared from the internet there would be only one site left and it would be called whereareallthecatvideosandporn.com. All the huge data centres, all the fat pipes, all the amazing new digital technologies of the global information infrastructure are only there, really, so …

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Silver badge

Cat murder algorithm???

Hey, what exactly do you think happens in "the wild"? For sure, cats don't sit around bonfires popping the tops of cans of Felix.

Evidence? Well, look at any Attenborough documentary - beautiful slow motion footage of something slaughtering something else. It is only us humans that devised the microwave oven...

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M7S
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Re: Cat murder algorithm???

"It is only us humans that devised the microwave oven..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_zpdyBz3VM

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And yet...

...when the odd snake turns the tables on one of the little furry feckers, all hell breaks loose...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: And yet...

Friends in South Africa had a domestic cat, Thomas, that was half Cape Wild Cat. They had a rocky kopje on their farm - a natural home for snakes. The cat would find a cobra and patiently circle it - just out of striking range. The cobra would rear up and follow the cat with its head. There came the point where the snake could not twist its body any further - and had to do an unwind. At that instant the cat would spring in for the kill behind the snake's head.

His other party trick was to antagonise a pack of local dogs. When they started to attack it would quickly retreat into cardboard box it had earlier arranged on its side against a fence. As each dog stuck its head into the box opening then its nose was shredded by the cat's claws. The dogs never seemed to learn - and the cat actually seemed to take a sadistic delight in the encounters.

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M7S
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"Domestic cats"

Owned ones presumably have been kept inside, fed pasta and taught to play the piano.

Ha ha ha. No.

I got cats to keep the vermin down. Sometimes the shrews and mice that are now brought into the house have been vivisected across the carpet (and I find them with my bare feet as I trudge to the kettle in the dark mornings) and sometimes they are hale and hearty having been brought in physically undamaged but now the cats are bored of the toy and let them go. This has resulted in my now being a better mouser than they are (so Darwin will win out eventually....) and despite attempts to re-invigorate their interest in the live ones by putting them in a hamster ball, it hasn't worked so they are eventually released in the distant shrubbery.

I get rabbits as well, sometimes whole and hopping, sometimes just a pair of trousers with a spiny bit poking out of the top. Not many birds, the pheasant are too big and the squirrels make good use of the gravity well that applies to three dimensional combat.

The deer gives them pause for thought and I don't think they'd try to take on the vixen in the nearby field. As I'm fond of bats I don't let the cats into the loft where there's a small roost.

I do however feel a bit remoreful for all the avian destruction so I might not replace them when they expire.

Out of interest are IT people more cat or dog inclined?

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Happy

Re: "Domestic cats"

"...and despite attempts to re-invigorate their interest in the live ones by putting them in a hamster ball"

What you put the cats in a hamster ball? Isn't that a squash? Do you have any fingers/skin/eyes left?

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Linux

Re: "Domestic cats"

Out of interest are IT people more cat or dog inclined?

Don't know, but cats definitely have hacker personalities. (Dogs are like suits).

Remember the man who was prosecuted for animal cruelty because his cat was riding on the passenger seat of his motorbike (with its claws firmly dug in)? He was able to demonstrate it was that cat's choice to be there. Indeed, the cat was extremely reluctant to be left behind and came running at the sound of the bike being started. A biker cat.

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Linux

Re: "Domestic cats"

In general, it is very difficult to get a cat to do anything against it's will. Unless it is in a cage, you can pretty much assume that the cat has given it's consent. Otherwise, there would likely be a pretty badly cut human.

"herding cats"

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Paris Hilton

Smut alert!

'It's well known that if all the cat videos and porn disappeared from the internet there would be only one site left and it would be called whereareallthecatvideosandporn.com.'

Or wheresthepussy.com. Sorry.

Paris, of course. Though I've no idea why.

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Happy

Re: Smut alert!

That domain is in use, and totally SFW. I'll leave the contents to someone brave enough to load it up :)

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Re: Smut alert! @Ketlan

I understood one word on that website - resveratrol - so does it have something to do with red wine?

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This post has been deleted by its author

Devil

Birds...

Have a watch of some of the documentaries about birds in Africa. There's a species that flies around in groups of millions wiping out entire crops and slaughtering anything in their path, and they don't migrate regularly, but only move to where the food is.

Sod cats, horrible little self-adoring, vicious little allergen spreaders. Birds are the real threat.

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Shocker news

Predator does what predators do.

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If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

In my garden, bloody cats cause far more damage than all the natural pests put together. I've had goldfish taken out of the pond and killed, any seeds I sow get dug up and EVERYTHING gets shat on by the filthy creatures.

And the sort of selfish sods who let these pests loose think I should consider it a privilege!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

2 ways to stop kitty-crap in your garden is...

Get a kitty yourself.

Crap/pee in your garden yourself

Best way to stop a kitty killing anything is to put 2 bells round it's neck. Little jingly ones or bloody great big church bells, either will do.

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Silver badge

Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

You need to buy bigger fish,

I believe El'Reg's R&D (reporting & drinking?) dept can supply these with built in lasers for added effect.

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Facepalm

Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

Cat are easy to keep out of your garden. I have rabbits and the local cats only ever enter the garden once. I see them and chase after them bellowing at the full volume and with a clear intent to kill the cat if I can. As cats are territorial they remember my garden as being off limits and do not ever come back. You cant do this half hearted, you do have to have an intention to kill the cat.

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Pint

Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

"you do have to have an intention to kill the cat."

Holy shit, dude. Just yelling without expressly trying to kill them will work, dude!

I was recommend a super-soaker filled with a mix of vinegar and cola. The cola sticks and the vinegar tastes foul when they try to clean their coat.

But I find shouting to work well. And I got two [They were...um...close together at the time] of the yowling bastards with a snowball from my bedroom window at 4am the other night.

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Facepalm

Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

Most reg readers are cat owners. Colour me surprised... No wait, the other thing.

Whilst I wouldn't advocate needless cruelty to animals there seems to be a definite hypocrisy amongst you lot when it comes to your precious darlings. If I were to suggest some sort of restriction on your rights in order to 'protect the children', you would quite rightly tell me that my kids are my responsibility and nobody else's. Yet if I were to complain that I don't like your cat prowling through my garden, your replies would not be that I should build a bigger fence or something equally as fatuous.

If it is your cat, it is your responsibility. This is not some wild animal, such as a fox, that we're talking about. It's a non-native, domesticated pet that you've let loose in the neighbourhood. And to anyone that wants to use the excuse that your cat is a predator, that it needs to go out and hunt and that it would be cruel to keep it cooped up in the house, I say this; If you cannot provide the space that your cat needs on your own property then you should not own a cat.

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Re: Fibbles

I agree with you, but downvoted anyway for the ridiculous straw cat owner you constructed.

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Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

"I was recommend a super-soaker filled with a mix of vinegar and cola. The cola sticks and the vinegar tastes foul when they try to clean their coat."

I'd recommend caffine free diet pepsi. It tastes truely disgusting. No additives needed...

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Re: Fibbles

Downvote away but perhaps you should read the rest of the posts in this thread. My comment may seem considerably less strawman-like afterwards.

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Re: If only we were allowed to kill these bloody vermin!

"If it is your cat, it is your responsibility. This is not some wild animal, such as a fox, that we're talking about. It's a non-native, domesticated pet that you've let loose in the neighbourhood."

Try looking at what the law says some time. Cats are known for their prowling wandering behaviour. To that end, if a dog is killed (accidentally) it must be reported to the police, and there can be consequences. If a cat is killed, tough shit on the owner. The possible consequences would relate to animal cruelty, however a clean shot to the head would likely not be considered "cruel".

This is why in rural places, hunters frequently pick off cats. They can always use the "it looked like a stoat" excuse, but it happens (even to a tabby with a bright yellow collar with bells on - some stoat), and people just have to deal with it. Right now, as it is a Sunday, the two outdoor cats are rounded up and locked in a stable, so they don't become targets.

If a hunter was to intentionally shoot one single dog, all hell would break loose.

Likewise, the person with the cola/vinegar squirter is being cruel to the cat, but as a cat owner myself, treatment of that nature is something we have to put up with in exchange for the fact that our cats won't stay put if they get the urge to go walking. Sometime they need to learn the places that are off limits, and given the attitude of the average cat, just saying "no kitty" isn't going to cut it. The cat will need to be inconvenienced. Then it might learn. If it feels like it. Maybe.

Yes, cats are definitely hackers. Sometimes I suspect they hack reality when we aren't looking.

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Anonymous Coward

Haven't you ever seen Hitchcock?

If it wasn't for cats, the entire surface of the Earth would be covered to a depth of twelve metres in birds by now. Sure, they're all cute when they're sitting on a snow-covered bough tweeting prettily in their ones and twos, but how would you feel when half a million of them were trying to peck you to death? Eh? EH?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Haven't you ever seen Hitchcock?

Erm, The Birds was not documentary but FANTASY !

Ask the New Zealanders about the near extinction of ground dwelling birds by cats.

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Thumb Down

And yet ...

there are at least 5 cats that prowl around my neighbourhood. So why do we still see rats ?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: And yet ...

Because a rat fights back

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Re: And yet ...

And some rats are bigger than the cats.

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Silver badge

Re: And yet ...

only in the quartermaster's store

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Unhappy

Re: And yet ...

Because rats beed as fast as rabbits. And rats hide down holes too small for cats. And rats are astonishingly intelligent for smallish rodents. (Some of the rat stories I've heard, there must be significant intelligence overlap with humans. There again, some of the dumb human stories I've heard ...)

Cats do catch rats, but they have to hunt carefully because a rat can seriously injure a cat. So the cat has to be hungry to bother, and the rat species isn't in any danger.

If you want a lot of rats killed quickly, get someone in with ferrets and/or terriers. But a week later, you'll still have rats. Smarter rats.

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Rob
Bronze badge

Could be worse...

... they could develop opposable thumbs

(he says while crouched near his cat flap with a super soaker, ready to unleash hell on the neighbourhood cat who thinks he's Alpha).

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Re: Could be worse...

"... they could develop opposable thumbs"

http://somefun.net/fun/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Wait-I-have-thumbs.jpg

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Anonymous Coward

It's well known that if...

"It's well known that if all the cat videos and porn disappeared from the internet there would be only one site left and it would be called..."

You don't get out much, do you?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: It's well known that if...

Half my surfing is looking at pussies, and the other half is looking at pussies.

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Ah...precision guesstimates

if only you could get away with figures like that in the business world...something between 8.3billion and a number 200% bigger. Come to think of it, didn't a certain game console manufacturer have that scale of variance between predicted and actual profit, just in the wrong way?

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Devil

Dogs et. al under control, why not CATS?

No other pet animals are allowed to roam about killing whatever strikes their fancy. People are rightfully horrified when dogs do it. Time to call cats the remorseless little monsters they are.

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Re: Dogs et. al under control, why not CATS?

Cats don't normally maul small children to death, nor are they bred and trained to be as aggressive as possible.

No, feline domination over man is the long game and is altogether much more sinister.

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Stop

Re: Dogs et. al under control, why not CATS?

"Cats don't normally maul small children to death"

Not do dogs.

"nor are they bred and trained to be as aggressive as possible."

Nor are 95% of dogs.

Cats don't need much in the way of training to be aggressive little shits, though. I've never had a dog decide that not liking its dinner was grounds for trying to scratch the crap outta me!

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Joke

Easy...

that's because All Your Base are belong to CATS

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What we actually need are flying cats

Cats are good - they kill the birds that poo on my car and wake me up at stupidly early times in the morning.

What we actually need are flying cats - with our without the laser options.

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Boffin

Sounds a bit too much like model data being presented as facts, not that I doubt that (feral and domestic) cats cause a lot of damage.

In my own modelling of (microbial) ecosystems I always was suspicious if my algorithm gave surprising results. Almost always I had found something new. In most cases it was a new bug in the code. In rare cases there was something interesting to report. In all those cases I went and checked the literature to corroborate my findings with observational data (or failing that, suggest how biologists could falsify my findings)

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Alert

train them to target vermin?

Can we train them to get urban pigeons?

(It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.)

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Re: train them to target vermin?

re: Can we train them to get urban pigeons?

I think you might want hawks for that. Providing the cats don't kill them.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: train them to target vermin?

There are sometimes ripped open feral pigeon carcasses in my garden - so I presume a neighbour's cat is the killer. Pigeons aren't exactly fast off the ground - and headless small birds' remains suggest the cats can strike pretty quickly. Saw the neighbour's cat stalking a squirrel on the lawn - the cat was never allowed to get in range.

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Thumb Up

Re: train them to target vermin?

You get a thumbs up for bringing a chuckle to my desk with Tom Lehrer.

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Happy

Re: train them to target vermin?

My cats have bought back pigeons, frogs, assorted mice and voles, several rats, a budgie and a slow worm(!). Almost always alive. Catching the buggers at 3am is no fun (especially the rats). I can only think they see me as a crap hunter that needs more practice. Especially at 3am.

Releasing a pigeon from a box in your front garden just as a curious drunk walks past gets a great reaction though ;-)

Now one's dead and the other is elderly, so mostly I get brought leaves now (really!). I guess it's the thought that counts.

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Anonymous Coward

Cats kill a total of 1.4–3.7 billion birds and 6.9–20.7 billion mammals annually in the USA alone

Yet another reason the NRA want's to keep assault rifles in the hands of the "hunters"

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