Feeds

back to article Iran develops working ICBM: Intercontinental Ballistic Monkey

Iran’s first monkey astronaut successfully completed its debut mission into space on Monday in what the Islamic republic said is a prelude to manned expeditions within the next few years. The courageous simian travelled in a bio-capsule aboard the Pishgam (Pioneer) explorer rocket and orbited the planet at an altitude of 120km …

COMMENTS

This topic is closed for new posts.
Alien

Going in to space doesn't seem so special now every pissant despot has their own rocket ship. We need to hurry up and get to Mars to bring some of the mystique back.

5
0
Silver badge
Alien

We need to hurry up and get to Mars to bring some of the mystique back.

I tend to agree but have the feeling that when the ship lands it will probably find a Chinese base there full of children making iPhones. It's be Scott/Amundsen all over again.

10
0
Gold badge
Coat

Scott arrived at the South Pole to find that Amundsen had already set up a child labour sweatshop making iPhones?

I missed that bit in history at school......

3
0
Gold badge
Happy

"I tend to agree but have the feeling that when the ship lands it will probably find a Chinese base there full of children making iPhones."

True. But they can have a really good Chinese before starting the return journey.

2
0
Silver badge
Alien

So now we have to worry about muslim monkey space invaders?

Yikes!! The good thing is that all the fasting makes them easy to track down during Ramadan....

1
0
Silver badge
Facepalm

Re: So now we have to worry about muslim monkey space invaders?

"....The good thing is that all the fasting makes them easy to track down during Ramadan...." Muslims are excused the fasting if they are killing infidels.

1
3

"Iran’s first monkey astronaut"

Good to see their president has so much faith in the programme he is willing to get personally involved.

9
0

This post has been deleted by its author

Anonymous Coward

Re: I [don't] spy...

99% of spy satellites look down ...

1
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: I [don't] spy...

"99% of spy satellites look down ..."

I think you'll find that putting a rocket into orbit requires a fair amount of infrastructure and the site is readily visible from space, along with the preparations for a launch.

1
1
Silver badge
FAIL

Re: AC Re: I [don't] spy...

"I think you'll find that putting a rocket into orbit requires a fair amount of infrastructure...." I think you'll find, if you bothered to do any research, that the Iranian launcher is a basically a souped-up Scud on a mobile trailer, and the launchsite is just a dustbowl (pic halfway down this BBC article http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-21230691).

Iran has hundreds of Scuds and launchers, and often paints them up and drapes them with patriotic slogans, flags, banners and other junk, so spotting one with a hidden monkey is not that easy. Iran periodically launches such missiles as part of their military development program, so it is hard to verify if the event even took place or was just a face-saving bit of theatre seeing as Ahm-mad-in-a-dinnerjacket had sworn he would make the launch happen.

0
2
Silver badge

Re: AC I [don't] spy...

"the Iranian launcher is a basically a souped-up Scud on a mobile trailer,"

If the Iranians can put something into orbit purely off the back of a truck, and the US aren't able to track or spot that, then hats off to Iran.

If find it strange that Google + world and dog can see me in my garden, viewed from space for the sheer hell of it, but the world leading technology power hasn't got the capability to keep track of a handful of rocket launchers in one of the world's most volatile regions? A seventy to ninety foot rocket on a huge trailer plus support vehicles isn't the sort of thing that looks like a forty foot container full of Chinese made furniture, so all the pifffle about "disguising" them doesn't sound very impressive. More so when you remember that at the end of the Cold War twenty years ago the US were busy working out how to track Russian mobile rocket launchers. You are old enough to remember the Cold War, aren't you?

1
1
Silver badge
FAIL

Re: Ledswinger Re: AC I [don't] spy...

"If the Iranians can put something into orbit purely off the back of a truck...." The Iranian ICB Monkey only went sub-orbital, i.e. a basic ballistic shot, not too much unlike what an ordinary Scud shot looks like.

".....but the world leading technology power hasn't got the capability to keep track of a handful of rocket launchers in one of the world's most volatile regions?...." Dear clueless, go look at a map of Iran, it's a rather big place. There are also thought to be up to 300 of the longer-range Scud derivatives alone in Iran, plus another unknown number of ordinary Scuds (estimates range from 100 to 4000, many having been fired or destroyed during the Iran-Iraq war). They all use identical and interchangeable launch trailers or trucks. From the air they all look the same and, as I mentioned, are often draped in flags, banners and patriotic slogans, so identifying one out of all those as special and different is quite a task. Iran did not announce the launch in advance so there was no way to tell the rocket with a monkeynaut from all the other Scuds.

Even if you just looked at the Iranian Space Agency sites they have three major launch sites and a fourth under construction, each covering dozens of miles of desert. Since it takes less than 30 minutes to fuel and launch a liquid-fueled version of a Scud, and since you can keep it out of sight in a simple hangar or tent right up until you need to elevate for launch, unless you have a 24x7x365 stream from a geostationary satellite over each site you'd miss it, and even then how would you know it was a monkeynaut flight and not just one of the regular missile tests?

".... A seventy to ninety foot rocket on a huge trailer plus support vehicles...." Here is an article with a pic of the actual rocket on a Scud trailer:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-21230691

Here is a pic of a whole lot of Scuds, some Iranian, for comparison:

http://www.b14643.de/Spacerockets_1/Diverse/Scud/index.htm

If they launched from the Iranian Space Agency sites they have control buildings, as do the Revolutionary Guard bases where they launch Shahabs from and have previously launched "satelite" shots from, so no big caravan of control vehicles to spot either.

".....More so when you remember that at the end of the Cold War twenty years ago the US were busy working out how to track Russian mobile rocket launchers...." Yet the US had such troubles tracking Saddam's Scuds in 1991 and 2003, even though you insist it should have been child's play.... duh! That's beside the fact that no-one knew it was a special Scud up until AFTER the event, and even then looked just like an ordinary Scud launch - kind of hard to watch for something that you don't even know is going to happen!

What did you expect the US to use, ESP?

1
0
Silver badge
Happy

Re: Ledswinger Re: AC I [don't] spy...

"If the Iranians can put something into orbit purely off the back of a truck....." Oops, forgot to add that the amateur World record for a rocket is 116km (100km is the marker for space, not for getting into orbit) which didn't even require a launcher/trailer and was built by 25 part-timers quite literally in their garages, all way back in 2004 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civilian_Space_eXploration_Team). That's 116km verified as opposed to an Iranian claim of 120km.

0
2

So The Onion was right!

0
0
Silver badge

But did it actually happen?

Inquiring minds want to know ...

2
0
Black Helicopters

Resolution 1929

"That concern may arise because the launch probably violated UN Security Council Resolution 1929, which bans “any activity related to ballistic missiles capable of delivering nuclear weapons, including launches using ballistic missile technology""

So only *good people* are allowed to join the space race? Or is this a tacit acknowledgement that every other country that lobbed someone into space did so in conjunction with anywhere-on-the-planet range missiles?

Cynical minds need to know :-)

6
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: Resolution 1929

Effectively yes.

The original security council, USA, Russia, China, UK and France had the tech others were not supposed to develop nuclear missiles and in return the big 5 would slowly disarm (which they have in part done).

Since then though we have had Pakistan and India join the club and Israel got given theirs by the USA, which never admits to it.

Other nations were allowed to develop nuclear power though.

Hence the confusion as in many cases there is not much difference between enriching fuel for missiles or power generation. Thinking about the fast breeder reactors.

0
2
Silver badge
Coat

Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

How are their space-faring people going to be called??

As everyone knows, Russians are called cosmonauts, Americans are called astronauts, French are called spationauts, and Chinese are called taikonauts. Now we need a word for the Iranians.

5
0
Joke

Re: Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

Since the Americans don't like them, how about naughtynauts?

2
0
Bronze badge
Windows

Re: Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

Monkeynauts?

Or Monkeynuts.

Whichever.

1
0

Re: Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

Persionauts? Not to be confused with a French car manufacturer.

1
0

How about Nuttynauts

0
0
Silver badge

Re: Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

Argonauts?

2
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

مشوي الأرض رجل

Simply rolls off the tongue.

0
0
Gold badge
Unhappy

Re: Never mind the nuke angle, there are more important questions:

"Persionauts? Not to be confused with a French car manufacturer."

Indeed not.

Aren't they meant to have problems with their electrics on a regular basis?

1
0
Silver badge
Mushroom

"nuclear fears grow"

You mean as warmongering by lobbys connected to Israeli crazies and possibly X-tian end-timers grow. Not to mention attempts to get rid of Chuck Hagel who seems to be not immediately ready to go for another war. Luckily spineless ooze John Kerry has been removed from the freezer to provide much-needed pliability

I hope to $DEITY they all get throat cancer from the yelling.

6
1
Gold badge
Happy

Re: "nuclear fears grow"

"You mean as warmongering by lobbys connected to Israeli crazies and possibly X-tian end-timers grow. Not to mention attempts to get rid of Chuck Hagel who seems to be not immediately ready to go for another war. Luckily spineless ooze John Kerry has been removed from the freezer to provide much-needed pliability"

And that's what makes America the best damm democracy money can buy.*

*I like to think what that line lacks in originality it makes up for with truth.

2
0
Silver badge
Thumb Down

Re: "nuclear fears grow"

"....I hope to $DEITY they all get throat cancer from the yelling." Dude, if anyone is due throat cancer your perpetual shrieking and bleating must put you top of the list by a massive margin.

0
2

How exactly did the UN Security Council create a resolution 16 years before the UN existed, and 5 years before Leó Szilárd came up with the idea of an atomic bomb?

0
6
Silver badge

@Shaun

UNIT is part of the UN and the Doctor helped them out with some time travel.

2
0
Silver badge

@Shaun 2

It's not a date, idiot, it's a reference.

6
0
Anonymous Coward

Orbit

Did it really 'orbit' the earth? If it did and then re-entered it means they have solved the re-entry heat shield problem and can make ICBMs. If on the other hand this was a sub orbital lob (like first US manned missions) then this is less significant. On the other hands I doubt the Israelis would be delighted at a shower of monkeys landing outside tel Aviv. Anon because they are watching me.

2
0

Re: Orbit

Heat shield technology is old. Anyone can get details of the Apollo and earlier spacecraft with their ablative heat shields. It is also not difficult to test a heat shield - put one in front of a suitably sized rocket exhaust. Reusable heat shields (as on the shuttle) are more difficult but are not needed for a missile.

0
0
Silver badge
Happy

Re: Orbit

".....I doubt the Israelis would be delighted at a shower of monkeys landing outside tel Aviv...." Unless they prove to be a lost tribe of Jewish monkeys of course.

1
0
Silver badge
Linux

" at an altitude of 120kms" -- Huh?

0
0

" at an altitude of 120kms" -- Huh?

Yes, right. Assuming they did orbit at that altitude, that's hardly a stable orbit. Not sure it would even complete one full orbit at that altitude. A proper LEO needs to be 150km or higher, preferably 200km+

And even for a suborbital flight, an adequate heat shield would be needed for the very sharp and intense decel, maybe up to 12 g's?

1
0
Silver badge
Linux

Re: " at an altitude of 120kms" -- Huh?

but, "kilometres-per-second" or just kilometres?

0
0
Silver badge
Happy

Re: " at an altitude of 120kms" -- Huh?

"...."kilometres-per-second" or just kilometres?" Sorry, I'm old, we used to type 120 kilometers as 120KMs before it got de-capitalised.

0
0
Bronze badge
FAIL

Monkey spacemen...

...who cares. I'm still waiting for my monkey butler.

2
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: Monkey spacemen...

What is Paul Burrell doing these days?

2
0

Re: Monkey spacemen...

How many monkey spacemen will there be?

One, but he'll train others....

1
0
Anonymous Coward

Iran + ICBM = We're all doomed to wear head dress and chant religious bollox or be nuked.

3
6
Thumb Up

2 Things

a) X37B probably handed the hirsuite hero a yellow crescent shaped source of potassium while it was up there, pretty sure the US would as a minimum have clocked the i/r signal from the launch (or was that COD4? ;-))

b) Intercontinental Ballistic Monkey: cracking tagline, that cheered me up on day where the tea and day nurse are being deployed liberally. you have my thanks.

1
0
Silver badge
Happy

A bigger problem...

It fired its first satellite, Omid, into the heavens in 2009 and a year later launched a capsule carried by the Kavoshgar-3 rocket containing a rat, turtles and worms, said Fars.

That's easy, but I'd like to see them try launching a fox, chicken and corn into space and returning them all safely!

2
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: A bigger problem...

"launched a capsule carried by the Kavoshgar-3 rocket containing a rat, turtles and worms"

On a related topic, could we offer them a few MPs if they plan further launches?

2
0
Gold badge
Unhappy

Re: A bigger problem...

"On a related topic, could we offer them a few MPs if they plan further launches?"

I suspect the president has already penciled in a few dissidents glorious martyrs for that role.

It may be a while before they have any seats free.

2
0
Silver badge

Re: A bigger problem...

"I suspect the president has already penciled in a few dissidents glorious martyrs for that role. It may be a while before they have any seats free."

Alright, offer them a trade. We'll have their dissidents, they take our MPs. Unless the sanctions prohibit such trade, of course.

1
0
Silver badge

A cunning plan

Looks like they've beat Virgin Galactic to the post.

1
0
Silver badge
Facepalm

Re: Ledswinger Re: A bigger problem...

".....We'll have their dissidents....." Hmmmm, maybe not. The last set of "dissidents" we took included such prime loonies as Abu Hamza and Omar Bakri Mohammed. Even the Grand Nutter Khomeini was once a "dissident" given refuge in Paris.

0
2
This topic is closed for new posts.