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back to article Segway daddy unveils DIY weight-loss stomach pump

Dean Kamen, the serial inventor best known for bringing us the Segway Personal Transporter in 2001, has come up with a new electronic transport system, this time designed to move predigested food out of your stomach to help you lose weight. As reported by The Independent, the technique is known as Aspiration Therapy, and Kamen …

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  1. That Awful Puppy
    Mushroom

    Oh FFS

    Of course, not stuffing one's face with crap is out of the question entirely.

    I've been a lardarse for most of my life, and recently, I've decided to start eating less and stop eating crap. In about three months, I've lost about 25 pounds. Still at least another 25 to go, but hey, progress has been made. Yeah, I've got a really effective metabolism the likes of which haven't been seen outside Polynesia, and yeah, I've got a few physiological defects that prevent me from being really athletic, but you know what, I did it anyway. No surgery, no pills, and no fancy schmancy diet, just eating less and eating reasonably decent food, as I'm afraid I don't have the money to eat really nice things all day, every day.

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  2. Phil A.
    WTF?

    Wrong. Just Wrong

    This is wrong on so many levels.

    If you want less food in your stomach, just eat less fucking food to begin with!

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  3. malefic

    Skin-Port!

    I'd like to have been in the product meeting..."So what are we going to call this portal to the users internal organs...mouth is already taken. I know, 'skin-port'!"

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  4. Mystic Megabyte
    WTF?

    Ham salad

    I used to run a pub/restaurant in Scotland. The locals would rarely eat any of the salad garnish.

    We used to joke that one day someone would ask for a ham salad without the salad.

    Guess what? An old farmer boy did just that!

    BTW, this "invention" is obscene.

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  5. Great Bu

    Ironically.....

    ....one of the more common reasons for failure in the insertion of PEG tubes (the feeding tubes that are essentially the same thing in reverse, often required for stroke patients who are unable to swallow safely) is 'excessive body habitus'*.

    The reason the insertion fails is that the method for insertion involves putting a gastroscope down the throat into the stomach, pushing the end against the front wall of the stomach and switching on the light at the end - this light then shines through the stomach wall to the outside and guides the surgeon in where to insert the feeding (/emptying) tube (which is done by just shoving a big plastic spike throught the abdominal wall and into the stomach). The pushing of the endoscope forwards and visibility of the light externally ensures that other structures are not in the way of the spike when it is inserted (bits like the liver or transverse colon).

    The insertion can't proceed if the light is not visible as the surgeon cannot be sure they won't damage something else in there. In waps** the flab can be too thick to see the light even if there is nothing else in the way so they are significantly harder to insert these tubes into.

    *AKA 'Patient is a fat fuck'

    **Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

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  6. Graham Marsden
    Boffin

    Three simple bits of information:

    1) Find your Basal Metabolic Rate here: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/ and then multiply that number by your activity level to find how many calories your body actually needs per day.

    2) Keep a food diary, ie every time you eat or drink something you write down the calorie content.

    3) Remember that a pound (just under half a kilogramme) of fat is 3,500 calories, so if you eat 250 calories a day fewer than your body needs, in a fortnight you'll lose a pound and if you also do 250 calories of exercise a day as well, you'll lose a pound a week.

    Simple and no surgery or faddy diets required.

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    1. Santa from Exeter
      Reply Icon
      FAIL

      Re: Three simple bits of information:

      This is just more bollox a la BMI.

      BMI is a rubbish index, as it doesn't take into account the fact that muscle actually weighs more than fat, so according to this index, most rugby forwards, weight lifters etc are Medically Obese.

      This is a rubbish index as it is solely concerned with height, weight and age. The Basal Metabolic Rate varies from person to person.

      The associated 'calorie requirements' from the same page allows no variability in exercise from the regimes they have imagined are 'typical'.

      If you really want to know if you are eating too much for your BMR and exercise regime, talk to a professional! (note, this does not include 'diet clubs'.) Alternatively, ask yourself the questions,'can I do all I want without getting out of breath?' and 'how long do I want to live?'.

      Often, just getting onto a better diet (less Maccy D's and ready meals, more fresh food) along with *gentle* exercise is enough.

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    2. That Awful Puppy
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Down

      Re: Three simple bits of information:

      This link is complete rubbish. A mate of mine from uni was a bit taller than me, weighed about half of what I did (as noted previously, I am a bit of a hambeast) and had to eat as much, if not more than me, just to maintain his weight, and this is with no exercise at all, other than walking, of which we did about the same amount.

      According to this calculator, to maintain his weight he should eat about 1600 calories, and I should eat about 2200. I guarantee you that if he were to do that, I'd have attended his funeral a few years back.

      (No, he wasn't ill or anything, he just had a really rubbish metabolism. And cheekbones that made women's undergarments depart their owners' bodies post haste.)

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    3. Omgwtfbbqtime
      Reply Icon
      Linux

      Re: Three simple bits of information:

      Two bits of information that have worked wonders for me (2 stone lost effortlessly so far)

      1: Carbohydrates control insulin.

      2: Insulin controls fat storage.

      So cut your carbs to a lower level (say 100 to 150g per day - not low enough to trigger ketosis) and the spare tire disappears quite nicely.

      I'm now dropping carbs to between 50 and 100g a day just to get rid of the last stone and a half.

      Lots of fruit and veg (this is where my carbs come from) lots of meat and fish - most of my calories come from saturated animal fats. My dietician is happy, my cholesterol is low and I take no medications.

      Penguin, because I'd fry one and eat it.

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      1. Joe K
        Reply Icon

        Re: Three simple bits of information:

        Thats the Paleo diet.

        I read "The Paleo Solution" last week, nice sciencey info about how badly carbs can fuck you up, truly horrifying and amazing how everyone still focuses on high-carb/low-fat diets..

        Am now eating like a caveman, and its a damn nice way to eat.

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        1. Graham Marsden
          Reply Icon

          Re: Three simple bits of information:

          @Santa from Exeter

          1) I am aware that BMI is nonsense, but I'm not talking about BMI, so please take that particular red herring and waft it somewhere else.

          2) By doing nothing more than the same exercise I was doing previously, but watching my calorie intake, I dropped my weight by 13kg which seems a positive result from my POV.

          @Omgwtfbbqtime

          My diet (ie what I eat) could probably be described as "carb heavy" (for instance I get through at least two if not three loaves of wholemeal bread a week!) yet, along with my weight, my HbA1c has dropped from 7.3% (the reason I decided to lose weight in the first place) to 5.5% simply by keeping my calorie intake down to sensible levels.

          My problem now is that I've got so used to eating less, I've actually got to get back into the habit of eating more so my weight doesn't drop further!!

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          1. Omgwtfbbqtime
            Reply Icon
            Pint

            @ Graham Marsden

            Glad it works for you Graham, your diet certainly wouldn't work for me - I'm a Coeliac and bread -wholemeal or otherwise is not a good way to go (either it tastes like bread should, contains wheat and triggers a immune response or it's gluten free and tastes minging).

            You're welcome to the beer I can't drink too (barley) hence the icon.

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  7. Piro Silver badge
    WTF?

    Most depressing product

    I haven't seen anything as awful as this in some time.

    The idea that we are so gluttonous , yet have so much food available to us that we are willing to pump and flush it away for the hell of it is frankly sickening and trashy. I only wish it was April 1st.

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  8. Emacs The Viking
    Unhappy

    Problem Reaction Solution again...

    Next the brain: seen, heard or read something you didn't like... simple just stick this wire in your brain and the A-Head will take it out. I suspect machines like this are in use everyday as that can be the only explanation for the increasing number of fucktards walking around looking at their phones instead of where they are going and saying "OMG" and "I so want to..." all the time. Even TV people do it, Nigel Slater for starters and many others. It is so not acceptable to talk like that, kids pick up on it and so the rot cycle continues.

    As a 47 year old I almost bound to apologise to the younger generation because I think that people of my generation are now in the positions of power and are responsible for the wholesale manipulation of people to the point where the average Joe cannot string a sentence together in their role as a "sales assistant" but can tweet and walk at the same time, something that only birds used to do.

    When did it become publicly acceptable to be a (a) larger than a small asteroid and still only pay for one seat on a bus and (b) talk like a three year old ?

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  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ExistenZ style Gamport too

    If they bring it out the back you can pump it into a camelback for afters, and fit an ExistenZ style Gameport to your spinal cord while they are in there.

    Pimped and tricked up human 2.0

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  10. Lallabalalla
    Mushroom

    SUCH a first world "problem"

    That is all

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    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Re: SUCH a first world "problem"

      Don't be too complacent. We may be exporting jobs to the developing world, but that's not all we're exporting:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity_in_India

      Can we claim IP rights on over-eating, and charge India royalties? Maybe £2 per morbidly obeast per year, which would mean an extra £130m a year. The Yanks should pay as well, 'cos they're just a bunch of rebellious colonials, but being wealthier I think $200 per obeast would be fair, and that would earn about £10 billion quid year. And it would be prior art to invalidate Apple's "rounded corners" patent. I'll show you rounded corners!

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  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Couldn't it

    double as a sort of swim bladder - if you're scuba diving you just fill your stomach with water until you sink to the right depth, then pump out when you want to come up again. What could go wrong?

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  12. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Can you compete at Nathan's with one of these?

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  13. Stevie

    Bah!

    My missus had a PEG fitted when she was being treated for cancer.

    I seem to remember there was a constant fear of gangrene from the surgeons and keeping the damned thing flushed CLEAN was a priority.. This bloody thing did more than anything else to demoralize the woman.

    And the removal was no picnic. The surgeon tore it out of her by brute strength, sans anesthetic.

    So, yeah, maybe you should think twice before you go this route.

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  14. Mike Flugennock
    Coffee/keyboard

    "and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat..."

    Reading about this device makes me want to vomit without any mechanical aid.

    Why am I not surprised that this invention comes from the guy who gave us the Dorkmobile?

    Cripes, why don't they just bring back the vomitorium while they're at it?

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    1. Spleen
      Reply Icon

      Re: "and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat..."

      Bring back the tunnels that you use to exit sports stadia? I didn't know they'd been banned. Is that why football fans are always so angry - because they can't get out?

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  15. sjsmoto

    What if I want to attach 3 or more at the same time?

    Hey, I want to review 10 restaurants tonight. I could use some faster pumping.

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  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ironically ...

    I fell off a Segway in Rome recently (true) and it fair old knocked the shit out of me ... Just saying.

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    1. Mike Flugennock
      Reply Icon

      Re: Ironically ...

      I fell off a Segway in Rome recently (true) and it fair old knocked the shit out of me ... Just saying.

      I was nearly run over by one in my neighborhood last summer. Outside of parking-ticket cops and tour operators, there are perhaps two privately-owned Dorkmobiles in my entire neighborhood (Capitol Hill, Washington DC), and one of them damn' near crushed me. Despite the presence of bicycle lanes, this clown was riding his on the friggin' sidewalk, and really hauling ass (at least for a Segway). I was on foot, and he came up on me from behind; as they're electrically powered, you can hardly hear them, and I didn't know the guy was there until he was right up on me. He didn't even slow down as he swerved around me and kept on wailing down the sidewalk as if I hadn't even been there, not so much as an "excuse me". Even today it steams my beans to think about it, that asshole riding a hundred-pound machine upwards of 15 mph on a goddamn' sidewalk with pedestrians present.

      What was perversely funny about that incident was that the inconsiderate bastard on the Dorkmobile was a middle-aged paunchy guy who was sipping a Starbuck's coffee with one hand and steering with the other, I shit you not.

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  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So, basically a medical alternative to sticking your fingers down the back of your throat...?

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  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    When people do this for themselves we call it bulemia.

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  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The End Of The World Is Nigh

    Isn't this the sort of thing that gets invented as civilisations crash and burn?

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  20. David 45

    A what-tube?

    Good job he didn't call it an i-Tube. Apple would have probably called a patent up on that!

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  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Will Victoria's Secret have a new line to cover it up? I'm sure the models will all have one in no time.

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  22. GCh
    Trollface

    Intractable Hiccups (and it's lesser known cure)

    Heheheheeeheee heeh he he

    The use of percutaneous endoscopic gastronomy tubes often causes a problem... hiccups

    This would undoubtedly cause the same problem

    There was an ignobel prize given for the cure of hiccups...

    which is Digital Rectal Massage -- That's right ladies and gentlemen... you stick a finger up your bum and wriggle it about if you want to cure your hiccups (none of the other crap you hear... this was scientifically proven to work)

    IF the FDA approve this machine I am going to patent and develop the Mk2 which helps solve that one simultaneously. Kind of a double GI probe if you like...

    Brown sauce on your breakfast?

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  23. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Paris Hilton

    Clearly needs a celebrity endorsement.

    Without celebrity endorsement -> Queesy

    With celebrity endorsement ->Cheesy (but I'll give it a go).

    Icon suggests where I'm going with this.

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