Sign in / up

back to article Opposable thumbs for FISTS, not finesse, say bioboffins

A pair of researchers at the University of Utah have published a paper arguing that our hands did not evolve merely so that our ancestors could perform delicate tasks, but also so that the males of the species could knock the crap out of one another in competition for mates. "There are people who do not like this idea, but it …

COMMENTS

House rules Send corrections
This topic is closed for new posts.

Page:

  1. Local G
    Happy

    Don't forget the evolution of opposable lips.

    Not only were lips necessary for early humans to articulate sound and speech, but some of the more inventive of our ancestors realized that human lips were a tactile sensory organ, and could be erogenous when used in kissing and other acts of intimacy.

    "Through making a narrow funnel with the lips, the suction of the mouth is increased. This suction is essential for sucking on a straw to drink liquids. Lips can also be used to suck in other contexts."

    As the opposable thumb developed the hand into a fist for the more aggressive of our Urfathers, others (you know the type) were experimenting with their opposable lips, "finding that their lips had many nerve endings and reacted as part of the tactile senses. Lips, they soon discovered, were very sensitive to touch, warmth, and cold, and therefore an important aid for exploring unknown objects."

    If early man enjoyed clenching his fist, yelling "Drop that Babe," and then pounding the shit out of some other guy to win her, imagine how much more pleasure he got when his opposable lips delved into hers.

    0 0
  2. pete 22
    Coat

    You're all wrong.

    Onan the barbarian developed opposable thumbs in order to whack it better. Imagine what it must be like to fap without the benefit of thumbs. It almost makes you cry, no? But nay, we overcame adversity! Fapping is an essential survival skill, for keeping an even temperament and surviving a partnership in which you're not getting any. Which both are desirable traits for selection in this day and age. Notice how the ladies are drawn to an even-tempered steady mate. How do you think he got that way!? Opposable thumbs of course!

    Let's face it -- everyone does it. Every single man that you have ever shook hands with, has fapped with that hand.

    Have a nice day!

    0 0
    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: You're all wrong.

      Aren't ladies drawn to men who fit complacently under ladies' thumbs? Men, who will never have to wank again, as long as they take the garbage out when they are told to.

      0 0
  3. Tom 7

    Why do evolutionary scientists

    always try and put a macho spin on things?

    'Hunter Gatherers' should be called 'Gatherer Hunters' as most of the food was/is collected by the women. If you've ever stripped seeds from grasses you will see that the human hand is a perfect shape for it.

    Recent research has shown that out ancestors 3 million or so years ago lived almost exclusively on grass and sedges and a chimp hand is not the ideal tool for collecting grain but ours is and anyone who say different will get punched.

    2 0
  4. Johan Bastiaansen
    FAIL

    I'll take a punch by a human

    over a punch by a chimp any time of the day.

    Men are weak compared to animals.

    0 0
  5. Robert E A Harvey

    All wrong

    The thumb has evolved to get the highest possible ballroom hold marks from Craig Revell-Horwood.

    (Guess what Mrs H has been doing on saturday evenings?)

    0 0
  6. ShadowedOne
    Go

    Interesting..

    I always thought we evolved thumbs in order to play pool.

    0 0
  7. d3rrial
    Stop

    End of line

    Humans are the end of line for evolution. Not because we are particularly well developed, but because in our society EVERY specimen, however unfit for his environment gets carried by all the others and is allowed to reproduce (Speaking of first world countries). Every individual step forward a person makes will make no difference because for 1 person developing forward, there's one doing the opposite. Other Species on this planet will eventually evolve higher than we are, if we don't blow them and us to hell.

    1 0

Page:

This topic is closed for new posts.