So what's the worst movie NEVER made?
Our hunt for the worst movie ever proved highly popular with you, our beloved cinema-going readers, and the list of nominees makes such chilling reading that we began to wonder if it would be possible to shoot a film so atrocious that it would prompt audiences to run screaming from the cinema vowing never again to badmouth …
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Possible female leads: Kristen Stewart as Kei and Bjork in a stunningly tragic portrayal of Kaori.
They should ride Harley Davidsons to ensure the film tests well with the all important middle america segment. A great endorsement opportunity as well!
> Yes...but I added I've upped the bad to unfilmable levels.
You underestimate the depths Hollywood is prepared to plumb.
Last I heard Keanu Reeves was slated to play Spike in the live action remake of Cowboy Bebop....
Clowns on Vespas, Capsules on Harleys. Imagine the chase scenes with Danny Elfman's reinterpretation of "Yakety Sax" playing in the background..
Re: Reeves playing Spike.
Last I heard we got lucky and they abandoned the idea.
The TV Sessions and Movie are among my all time favourite Anime.
Curse you
Now i've got that playing in my head.....GAAAAAHHHHHHH
Yep, I heard that. When Spike always reminded me of a gaunt Bob Dylan.
Spiegal!
Well, it isn't a live action remake, but...
This would seem to be a terrible spectre of things to come:
live-action version of cowboy bebop?
Oh God, no.
Although he's been OK in some roles, no amount of mind bleach can eat away the memory of the steaming turd that was Johnny Mnemonic. To be fair, it wasn't just his acting--the whole screenplay/treatment was just atrocious.
Re: Reeves playing Spike.
> The TV Sessions and Movie are among my all time favourite Anime
If I had to choose, I'd rank Samurai Champloo a notch higher than Bebop. Shinichirō Watanabe did both of them.
The Secret Life of Madeleine Albright
Starring Whoopi Goldberg and featuring many Saturday Night Live alumni. Because to get a really bad movie, you have to have Whoopi Goldberg. And Saturday Night Live alumni.
What's with all the unfunny "I suggested Sewenso on cancer etcetera" then posting Youtube links to things that existed a long time before you took the idea you saw and tried to present it as an original idea.
"Mayor! : Boris Johnson and Chums"
I'm thinking a sort of riches to riches rom-com biopic detailing the trials of a young Boris at Eton and his rise to power
Been done (-ish).
At least the basic idea of an over-the-top movie about fairly ordinary English politicians. Back in the '80s, The Comic Strip did "Strike!", their version of the making of a Hollywood movie about the miner's strike, featuring Al Pacino as Arthur Scargill and Meryl Streep as his wife... (if only they'd had the foresight to cast her as Mrs. Thatcher!)
I'm currently trying to line up funding for a musical based on the Third Reich. Working title is "Springtime for Hitler." I'm in talks with Nicolas Cage to play the lead and Kristen Stewart in her first all-singing role as Eva Braun.
Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
Howard The Duck II
"The film that's sure to cause a stir...fry"
I really don't want to answer this. I don't want to give them ideas.
Wrong way round
Surely the winner should receive the worst DVD, 2nd 5, 3rd 10 .....
Wagner's ring cycle
I'd suggest that a cimema version of Wagner's Ring Cycle has huge potentential as the worst film ever. It would help if the director han an ego even bigger than Wagner's and fancied himself as a conductor despite being tone deaf. It would help if the leading roles were taken by stars who couldn't sing. And it would help if it were relocated to a completely inappropriate place and time.
Not sure if the cinema version would be longer than the stage version, or edited down to 80 minutes. Perhaps the director made the former, ran out of money, and the studio released it cut down to the latter?
Paris cast as a fat lady who sings?
Re: Wagner's ring cycle
The trouble comes when you look at the visual content.
You've got dwarfs(dwarves), giants, gods, a dragon, beautiful warrior women, a bit of naughty nookie, a mountain shrouded with fire, and a huge cataclysm at the end.
And its naturally divided up into several parts.
Your plan could go horribly wrong and we'd end up making millions.
Re: Wagner's ring cycle
And of course we'd be competing against the majestic Bugs Bunny version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI
However, if this were to go ahead may I suggest Mel Gibson directing as he'd get the whole Wagnerian schtick, and for lead singer - well you need a viking who can belt out a tune (sort of) - brace yourself - Dolph Lundgren does Elvis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF6U2-_Dhw4
Maybe Bette Midler could spring for Brunhilde?
Inglorious Basterds rebooted...
...in Gulf War 1.
Esentially the same script, with Nazi changed to Ayrab and Hitler to Hoosain. Col Hans Landa becomes Osama Bin Laden AKA " The Woman With Uncovered Hair Hunter", who is in persuit of renegade Saudi princess Shosanna Al-Dreyfuss. The other half of Branjelina plays Lt Alda Reine, who heads up and all-female multi-ethnic commando team whose characters are all based on their ethnic stereotypes. Bin Laden's survival at the end, albeit with a cock carved into his forehead, leaves the door open for an explosive sequel in New York and Afganistan.
But as this is all more believable and historically accurate than the Tarantino version it may not be bad enough an idea.
How about a big-screen version of "Barbary Coast" starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline?
With Mel Gibson as Troy McClure...
How about "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel", or indeed any other of Troy McClure's other titles: http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Troy_McClure_Films
Anything with Tom Cruise in it
Especially if it were some kind of inverse of Being John Malkovich where everyone in the world turned into Cruise instead of anyone in the world being able to control John Malkovitch.
Millions of Tom Cruise's running like a twat with a grimace, hitting walls (give me frustration, Tom, yeah that's great), being smug-yet-cheesey, looking like a rodent and being all Scientological and perhaps discovering Xenu's remains in Atlantis...
Romeo, Juliet, an Alien and two time travellers.
An alien (Jar Jar Binks) escapes from prison through a time vortex to 1590s Verona and is followed by two agents (Vin Diesel and Jennifer Anniston) in an attempt to recapture him.
Meanwhile, Romeo (David Schwimmer) and Juliet (Kristen Stewart) go through the motions totally oblivious to the events surrounding them.
The time agents place cameras at multiple locations in an attempt to track Jar Jar. All footage for both story arcs is captured from these fixed cameras and the cameras the agents are wearing.
The future characters interact only with secondary past characters, but are instrumental in causing some past events, e.g. their use of stun guns causing some people to fight at less than their normal ability, delaying messages and thus in effect cause the tragedy of Romeo’s and Juliet’s deaths.
On returning to the future, the storage device used by the agents falls out of Vin Diesels's pocket, and in 2012 the footage gets decoded by scientists.
Directed by Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski.
Music by Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black.
Re: Romeo, Juliet, an Alien and two time travellers.
I like it, but you really have to work in two more characters played by Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen to really ensure the totally horrible quotient.
How about...
...Ferrell as 'Uncle' Mercutio, the man who never really grew up; Cohen as Tybalt, but played with an excruciating mid-Med accent (mostly schlock French, like on Talladega Nights but with a side of Mario Brothers).
The Sandman comics
The idea of turning Neil Gaiman's classic graphic novels into a film was mooted many years ago. I remember the speculation about who should play Dream, with some suggesting Robert Smith of The Cure. Never mind that he's far too short (no offence to shorter people, but Dream is very tall), the whole idea was just terrible anyway.
Terminator
With Skynet running on iOS, at least your freedom would be taken away by really shiney robots
not sure if this would be good... or bad...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs
The Baroque Cycle
...as a 90-minute Michael Bay action/adventure. Shia LaBeouf will star as Half-cock Jack. Bjork will make a surprise appearance as Eliza. Enoch Root will be a CGI alien using leftover Jar Jar Binks footage redubbed with a courtly English accent.
Mel Gibson to star as Richard Dawkins in...
"You say you want some evolution" the musical with the winners of the Voice and Britains got talent colabarating on writing the theme tune and singing the theme tune
Re: The Teletubbies
"eh oh!"
shit they've found us!
aRRGGHHH (teletubbie rips marines stomach apart, intestines and guts go everywhere)
A giant baby's face in the sky laughs in delight
Re: The Teletubbies
The mental image of that f'ing baby laughing while people are getting disemboweled is just too much.
I *HAVE* to f'ing see this!
Re: The Teletubbies
Teletubbies vs Predator.
I'd pay to watch it tho.
Re: Re: The Teletubbies
Unfair! The Predator's brains would implode after watching just one episode of teletubbies
Close to made
I read yesterday about a scriptwriter who went ballistic when his script for Maccabee didn't get made.
Reason for the nomination? This genius was waiting for Mel Gibson to direct it.
Lovecraft
I'm listening to the reading (Richard Coyle) of Shadows Over Innsmouth to cover the dreary drive to and fro work, and I have a feeling there's a fair bit of Lovercraft's work that could be bollocked up.
Not taking some of the basic ideas and making your own film. eg "Cthulhu vs Godzilla", "the Star Spawn who loved me" but trying to do justice by the reading-someone's-diary-twist-at-end stories.
i am overlooking the Herbert West: Reanimator films here for obvious reasons.
The Star Wars prequels
In which George "I made two good films, in the 1970s" Lucas directs, screenwrites, does all the set design and composes the score.
We discover why Jar-Jar Binks was exiled, although we wish he'd been messily executed to save him appearing in TPM, we follow Padme through queen school (in which she repeatedly fails to grasp quadratic equations until she learns a Jedi mind trick for solving them) and we experience the full misery of the Coruscant property price crash in 80 BBY, which is what turns Palpatine to the Dark Side - he had a big portfolio of buy-to-lets.
The CGI effects are ramped up a further notch for this one, so you can actually see what's happening inside Qui-Gon Jinn's bowels after he consumes a Bantha burger during an ill-advised night out in the fleshpots of Mos Eisley.
Hopefully when the aliens receive this?
They will come to understand we are at one with our stupidity. Honestly - with that list I can't decide anymore so DO NOT send me a prize please thanks
Damn
Thought I was going to be the first to call Uwe Boll. Guess I shouldn't have spent OH MY GOD DID I REALLY JUST SPEND 30 MINUTES WRITING THE TREATMENT FOR PEARL HARBOR 2?
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