back to article Crap alchemist jailed for poo-into-gold experiment

A Northern Ireland man has been jailed for three months for causing £3,000 of damage to his flat after attempting to turn his own faeces into gold using an electric heater. Paul Moran, 30, admitted arson and endangering the lives of others, the Belfast Telegraph reports. He will spend 12 months on licence upon his release. The …

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Anonymous Coward

Oh yes you can polish a turd!

Mythbusters proved that you could. See, e.g. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJ9fy1qSFI

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Silver badge

Re: Mythbusters and polishing turds

Mythbusters may have debunked the "can't" part of the old saying regarding polishing turds, but the original metaphor of the saying still stands. Because a turd, no matter how much it is polished, is still a turd...

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Coat

I bet...

...that caused a stink!

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Anonymous Coward

"He will spend 12 months on licence upon his release"

his movements will be closely monitored, presumably

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Anonymous Coward

he should have used ...

an alchemical toilet

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Coat

ya gota be shitting me!

You really couldn't make this shit up!

Shits really hit the fan (heater)!

I'll get my coat!

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Happy

let´s look at it

the other way around: Wasn´t it this one Mr.Moran, who was first to conclusively prove that heating a feces on the electric heater will NOT turn them into gold?

Isn´t it a basic principle of science, that someone has to go first and then say : "Dead end, colleagues. Let´s find another way!"

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As someone else once said

This research fills a much-needed gap in the literature.

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Silver badge

Shit happens

so they say

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Anonymous Coward

Haven't scientist found a way to transform "fertilizer" into black gold (aka oil)?

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Thumb Up

Love IT

This country needs more potty professors!

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Alert

Devil's advocate

So he did try something like betting all his chips on the double zero at roulette. A low probability strategy. Scientifically speaking, he actually DID something though, or at least try.

Bell was laughed out of many rooms at first... talking into a tin can over a wire eh mr bell?...

Same for tesla in 1890 with his radio controlled torpedo with the Navy.

Flying like a bird, eh?

The list goes on...

I'll wager with anyone here that this transmutation stuff is something science of tomorrow will explain, if its real.

My point is that at least the lad wasn't only talking or reading, he actually applied the scientific method: he tried to prove an idea by doing shit, pun intended.

I like people that DO things, even when they fail.

Small minds rejoice in the failure of those that try things they do not understand, or challenges their dogmas.

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"I'll wager with anyone here that this transmutation stuff is something science of tomorrow will explain, if its real."

The science of today explains it. It's called nuclear physics.

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Yag

Harry King wannabe?

he is doing it wrong!

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Boffin

Turning faeces into gold would require a supernova.

Turning human faeces into diamonds is much easier but quite expensive.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/2209799.stm

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He is a pioneer

Sure you can mock him, but if he had succeeded who'd be laughing then?

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Joke

Call for

Gerald Ratner, Gerald Ratner to the court please.

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Anonymous Coward

Taxi!

Presumably he scoffed 18 carrots first.

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Silver badge

Bah!

I discovered a process for turning base metal into gold years ago.

I call it "counterfeiting".

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Happy

Genius!

Stories like this are why I love the register...

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Mushroom

Wrong waste/element

now if he wanted phosphorus that's doable from other bodily waste

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The discovery of phosporous is usually credited to the alchemist Hennig Brand trying to make gold from urine in around AD 1669 :).

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What a Moran.

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Silver badge

Should have read the literature

Making gold requires no magic, he simply should have followed the standard synthetic procedure:

Mercury 198 + 6.8 MeV gamma ray ---few days---> Gold 197 + positron + neutron

RTFM

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Flame

Try again, this time after drinking vast quantities of Goldschläger.

Putting those faeces anywhere near a heat source might not be such an awesome idea though. Flames icon because, well, duh.

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Coat

Oh, Edmund... can it be true?

That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest Brown?

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Anonymous Coward

Idiot

Gold is valuable because it is rare. If you could turn poo into gold (or rather, turn human stupidity into gold - it's far more common) then gold would be worth very little.

And it IS possible to turn <just about anything> into gold - you just need a big enough particle accelerator. Of course, running it gets a bit pricy....

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Happy

Well...

I know what I'll be doing tonight!

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Silver badge

the night before he had eaten 24 carrots

his name was "moran"? you kidding me?

"Judge McFarland told Moran: “It was an interesting experiment to fulfil the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”"

Did a judge really describe heating up shit as an interesting experiment?

It hasn't been done before! The cutting edges of science! Next week in the lab stroke house I attempt to turn my piss into sparkling spring water.

Something about a gold ring

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Silver badge

every alchemist worth his salt knows that poo + fire = hot poo

for gold he needed to also include 2 girls + 1 cup

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FAIL

Obviously he hasn't learnt the lesson of Sir Harry King

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Coat

Perhaps he'll get a female lawyer... I wonder what feces going to charge for her work...

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FAIL

Every alchemist knows...

... his big mistake was not shitting a base metal for use as the feed stock. Still I bet he was shitting bricks when his house started to burn down.

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This post has been deleted by its author

This post has been deleted by its author

Alien

turd of gold

Actually... The character Roger, in the TV show 'American Dad', once laid out a perfect 24K cable (without realizing it himself) studded with valuable gems.

Kinda makes me curious who copied whom.

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Bronze badge

What an idiot

First Gold isn't actually worth that much, second it would have been easier to use it to make diamonds. With the proper equipment he really could have turned his waste into diamond.

Or he could have tried electroplating, which is what alchemists used to do (or at least its a common theory of what they did)

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Paris Hilton

It worked for Gerald Ratner, he sold crap for years, even said so himself.

Three months... for being stupid, bummer!!

Paris can turn shit into gold as well.

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Bronze badge
Joke

To quote George Carlin

"The only difference between Turds and Diamonds are what differences people have agreed on, and I don't always agree"

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Anonymous Coward

Shit eh?

What a turd.

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Coat

This is old hat...

I saw it in a movie in the 1970's - Jodorowsky's Holy Mountain:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Holy_Mountain_%281973_film%29

Mine's the one with the shit^h^h^h^hgold in the pocket...what's that smell?

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Joke

Crap story

Need I say more?

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Mushroom

Alchemy - there's a CRAP for that..

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Happy

I tried that...

I turned into a Reg reader. It works!!!

--G

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