California preacher Harold Camping is unrepentant following his second unsuccessful attempt to predict Judgment Day, and now says true believers should pack their bags for ascension to heaven on 21 October. Camping's first stab at nailing the Rapture advised Christians to get their earthly affairs in order before 6 September …
Rapture 1.0 still in beta testing
The software will be ready real soon now.
IT: Solving today's problems tomorrow - or perhaps the next day...
I thought the whole idea of the rapture was you should not know in advance when it is going to be. That way the churches get a steady revenue stream instead of a bunch of sinners repenting the night before.
Shortly after my birthday. Who's up for a 3 day bender?
New Yorker Robert Fitzpatrick - Jeered in Times Square
You shouldn't laugh at the mentally handicaped!
Handicaped(n) = Batman's sartorial accoutrement equipped with quick-release fastenings
Gravity at fault
It's the fault of gravity; it's stronger now than it used to be, so he couldn't ascend properly.
However if he goes to get to the top of a very high building, and launches himself into the air, the (very very slightly) reduced effect of gravity means that he will be able to ascend and the world really will end.
Don't you mean Intelligent Falling? Only unsaved atheist imbeciles believe in anything as clearly insane as the "theory" of gravity.
...has indeed increased in the last few years. I first noticed it about the time I turned 50, and it has gotten progressively worse.
That is all.
Matthew 24 
The Bible is pretty clear on this kind of stuff . For those not so interested in reading the unabridged passage, a few relevant excerpts:
"… many false prophets will appear and deceive many people … and then the end will come … but about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son … that is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man … you do not know on what day your Lord will come … the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him …"
So saying the Bible is a load of old shit anyway misses a pertinent point for the people giving this bloke the time of day: the Bible, load of old shit or not, specifically warns against wankers like him.
"but about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son..."
So not even Jesus knows when its gonna happen? So one day the dude will be sitting on the toilet, or maybe having a shower and suddenly boom he's dropped on to Earth and expected to save people? Thats one hell of a way to start your day... I dont imagine he'll be in a particularly good mood at that point, how about you?
And lo the land will be defecated...
Jesus...sitting on the toilet you say?
If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliway's, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Will it be like that bit in Harry Poo-ter when they flush the loo and 'pass on through' ?
"...the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him..."
So, basically, Jesus is a Ninja..?
"...one day the dude will be sitting on the toilet..."
Is there poop in Heaven..? I thought we'd all be done with all that messy biological stuff...
Anyway, so what you're saying is that Jesus has to have his Messiah Bag packed and ready to go at all times (And what DOES one keep in a Messiah Bag, anyway..? Suntan lotion? Bermuda shorts?).
Jesus ninja & Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris knows when Jesus is coming before Jesus does. Because ninja's are ultra-slow-motion target practise for Chuck.
What? no Chuck icon?
"So, basically, Jesus is a Ninja..?" No, he's the Spanish Inquisition.
Has this guy ever considered a career in politics? His level of spin makes Alistair Campbell look like a rank amateur.
...he is a rank amateur.
You wanna speak to the flappy-eared, silver-tongued one - Tony Blair. The war-crime dodging, lizard-marrying, slimy barsteward.
I have a cunning plan.
Could we get the gay community to officially declare him a "gay icon" please?
Then he'll be dropped like a hot rock by the Christian Right and burned in effigy by the more barking wingnuts of the bible belt.
After all, this trick seems to work for everything else.
Einstein got it right
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.”
Einstein also said...
Insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
So how many times is this guy going to say "The world is going to end, and it will be on...." ?
"Robert Fitzpatrick (...) was left firmly standing in a drizzly Times Square at 6pm on Saturday, with the jeers of tourists rather than a fanfare of celestial trumpets ringing in his ears."
What celestial trumpets? I was under the impression all the best musicians ended up in Hell.
He must not be from around here. In NYC, that would be the sound of taxi horns.
//choir of angels?
//yelling very un-angelic things
Ya gotta get hot...
...to play real cool!
If there really is a god..
Then expending a couple of joules of godly energy to smite this old fart dead would be a much better investment than wasting good ol planet earth (He's 89 and nearly fuckin' dead anyway!)
I dislike religion
That is all.
Look on the bright side.
There's something in here that I'll bet the lads in the Post Rapture pet care trade didn't expect.
Look on the bright side.
I think you will find that Repeat Business is exactly what the Post Rapture pet care trade did expect.
The saying 'A fool as his money are easily parted' has never been more true.
Paris: because I wouldn't mind looking after her pet beaver post Rapture.....
Lost in translation
Anyone ever read an instruction manual translated from modern Korean into modern English? Laughable aren't they.
Yet the god botherers somehow reckon that a book translated from ancient Hebrew and Aramaic into English via ancient Greek & Latin is somehow the exact word of the sky captain.
Idiots doesn't come close to describing these people
There is a difference, though.
The Korean instruction manual wasn't translated with a view to social manipulation in the name of the status quo at the time of translation, on top of all the rest.
Hmm post rapture petcare
I did post an article about Camper, saturday and PRPC to the jokes section of a certain dog rescue forum. Not one UK pet lover took me up on the offer (drat - I only asked for a donation of 1K to the rescue) but plenty had a good larf! I may have pee'd off a couple of "god-squad"ers but then it seems I can do that just by breathing these days.
... but, someone in the USA did offer after-rapture pet care successfully, getting 250 or so clients (pets have no souls, so wouldn't have ascended).
He made a "mistake" last time, he might make one again this time. Can't he "pretend" he's going to be wrong again, work out the next best date, and repeat that a few times, and stop assuming this is favourite result is guaranteed spot on.
Then he can publish a range of dates (with reasoning) or error bars or something.
That would be a reasonable thing to do I think if he were honest or sensible.
Right now he's asking folk to have faith in him rather than God - and I don't think God promised extra points for people who guessed right or who were waiting outside for when he arrived, or anything... I thought the general idea was for Christians to keep themselves busy so when God came He'd find them living good lives and not lounging waiting for Him.
"Then he can publish a range of dates (with reasoning) or error bars or something."
But that kind of implies science and real mathematics, the true believer scorns both...
I like the idea of EM:
We believe there is one god (±1 error bars)
But the whole point of these types of belief
is to assert a feeling of certainty where none otherwise would be.
The reason hard-core religious types hate science is that it works in current-best-guess-according-to-observed-data. Also why hard-core religious types are so prone to pulling the "controversy" flag - they are cognitively incapable of understanding that scientific claims are always based on probability of correctness and ongoing corrections rather than claims of immutable certainty.
The error bars are always there, whether explicitly stated or not - it is an in-built part of the definition of science.
It's pretty obvious that Harry Camping is re-enacting the Miller's Tale, diddling some fair Alyson while her husband is above stairs waiting for the second (and third and fourth, no doubt, our Harry looks like a lurv-machine) coming.
Perhaps the deity in question is waiting for a certain Duke Nukem Forever to be released before their own continually delayed apocalypse project can be completed.
I think Peter Cook, Jonathan Miller, Dudley Moore and Alan Bennett had the right idea
I think "Beyond The Fringe" had the right idea. The cast: Peter Cook, Jonathan Miller, Dudley Moore and Alan Bennett.
They are seated, huddled, on the top of a mountain…
Jon : How will it be, this end of which you have spoken, Brother Enim?
Omnes: Yes, how will it be?
Peter : Well, it will be, as 'twere a mighty rending in the sky, you see, and the mountains shall sink, you see, and the valleys shall rise, you see, and great shall be the tumult thereof.
Jon : Will the veil of the temple be rent in twain?
Peter : The veil of the temple will be rent in twain about two minutes before we see the sign of the manifest flying beast-head in the sky.
Alan : And will there be a mighty wind, Brother Enim?
Peter : Certainly there will be a mighty wind, if the word of God is anything to go by…
Dudley : And will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the earth?
Peter : No - it will not be quite as mighty as that - that is why we have come up on the mountain, you stupid nit - to be safe from it. Up here on the mountain we shall be safe - safe as houses.
Alan : And what will happen to the houses?
Peter : Well, naturally, the houses will be swept away and the tents of the ungodly with them, and they will all be consuméd by the power of the heavens and on earth - and serve them right!
Alan : And shall we be consumed?
Peter : Con..sum..éd? No, we shall not be consuméd - we shall be up on the mountain here, you see, while millions burn, having a bit of a giggle.
Jon : When will it be, this end of which you have spoken?
Omnes : Aye, when will it be - when will it be?
Peter : In about thirty seconds time, according to the ancient pyramidic scrolls… and my Ingersoll watch.
Jon : Shall we compose ourselves, then?
Peter : Good plan, Brother Pithy. Prepare for the End of the World! Fifteen seconds…
Alan : Have we got the tinned food?
Dudley : Yes.
Peter : Ten seconds…
Jon : And the tin-opener?
Dudley : Yes.
Peter : Five - four - three - two - one - Zero!
Omnes : (Chanting) Now is the end - Perish The World!
Peter : It was GMT, wasn't it?
Jon : Yes.
Peter : Well, it's not quite the conflagration I'd been banking on. Never mind, lads, same time tomorrow… we must get a winner one day.
Only in America
I realise that is actually three words and that my initial two word prediction is some way off the mark but fear not for my next prediction will be bang on the money.
Stupid Americans are stupid
Man this prediction lark is hard. Don't you just hate it when stupid predictions hit cold, hard facts?
Europe already had it's go
Millennialism got a good running start in Europe, long before y'all exported all your loonies over here and cursed us with people like Camping.
I blame y'all for this mess.
The only question I have is why hasn't he been done for fraud?
Friends in high places...
I suspect he honestly believes his own claims. While a good number of these evangelical types are rather obviously nothing more than cynical con-men, I do get the impression that this poor guy is desperately clutching at straws to believe his ascention to heaven will happen before he pops his clogs.
Note: formal doctorine (well some of them - I haven't encountered all of the myriad of re-edits) doesn't have you going to heaven as soon as you die. Your soul ceases to exist (or goes into suspension, or elsewhere neither heaven or earth) until Jesus returns and resurects you, at which time your soul pops back into existence and you are raised again bodily whole and ascend to heaven.
Incidentially: as such, you are not just competing with everyone alive today for those exclusive few thou. spots at God's right hand, but with everyone who ever lived (well in the past 6000 years at least).
He should just say the world ends tomorrow, he's bound to be right with that one, seeing as tomorrow never comes because it becomes today.
I was annoyed I didn't know about the May deadline in time to organise an Atheist Apocalypse Party - however I have now been given another chance!
October 21st is a Friday too - drink like it's the end of the world!
ITS A SHAM!!! A PLOY!!!
People like Harold Camping are trying to sucker in people thinking he is a normal christian but that is far from the truth.
The whole whoopdie doo hoople is trying to get people to convert to be 7th day adventists who are people with same mindset like Harold Camping who think they can reduce the Bible to a a numerical code to explain away everything with numbers.
They are the same loony grou who think that if you do get sick then it is a sign of bad faith as a real christian would NEVER get sick under any circumstance. So yeah its a cult Harold is leading.
Surely there's no such thing as the rapture for modern tech-aware audiences?
Unless Steve Jobs announces it first.
"Ladies and gentleman, I present, the iRapture!"
He already said the spiritual beginning of the end happened at the end of the church age.
- Review Ubuntu 14.04 LTS: Great changes, but sssh don't mention the...
- Vid CEO Tim Cook sweeps Apple's inconvenient truths under a solar panel
- HTC mulls swoop for Nokia's MASSIVE Chennai plant
- Asteroids as powerful as NUCLEAR BOMBS hit Earth TWICE a YEAR
- Got Windows 8.1 Update yet? Get ready for YET ANOTHER ONE – rumor