back to article Top exorcist says Satan at work in Vatican

The Catholic Church's top exorcist has warned that Satan is alive and well and causing a whole load of problems at the Holy See. Father Gabriele Amorth, who according to The Times is president of honour of the Association of Exorcists, said the Vatican's current problems - including recurrent child abuse allegations and a …

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  1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    @IT

    Because it's the same business model as anti-virus software and updates.

    Create crappy insecure OS, then blame it all on hidden invisible viruses launched by invisible internet terrorists and sell anti-virus software.

    If you don't pay up for the virus software, and OS security updates - it's all your fault you sinner.

  2. eWill

    I for one

    would like to welcome our new demonic overlords.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    I feel sorry for the people involved

    "Amorth is probably better qualified than most when it comes to dealing with Satan and the lesser demons. He has apparently dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession"

    By "demonic posession" he does of course mean one of the following:

    1, mental illness

    2, atheism

    The "rituals" which are used during exorcism do not cure either of these (of course) they just make the priests feel like they've done something.

    So basically the priests have an invisible friend that they've never seen. They speak to him all the time but hear nothing back. Then they decide that this gives them the authority to cause trauma and unnecessary suffering, just to make their non-existent, silent friend happy.

    All of which sounds a lot like mental illness really. Maybe I should be allowed to perform my own kind of exorcism on priests - I'd simply kill them all and let their god sort them out!

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oldest excuse in the book

    'It wasn't me that did those terrible things; the Devil made me do it!'

  5. Robert E A Harvey

    Satan at work in Vatican

    "Satan at work in Vatican" - after 2000 years, it won't be the first time

  6. Tron Silver badge

    I ain't fraid o' no ghosts.

    The gullible. Bless 'em. Where would we be without them?

    Financially poorer.

    Just as soon as my $10 gets processed I'll be advertising my new exorcism service on ebay. You can have the basic package, In, cast out the demon, tea and hobnob, all done in 20 minutes for £500. The Pro service costs rather more, but I'll be wearing full regalia, burning incense and chanting. A DVD of the whole exorcism is included for free so you can show your friends. The pro service costs £1000.

    Starting in Q4, once the venture capital is in place, will be my corporate exorcism package, suited to group entities with demonic issues. Banks, football clubs, Governments who choose Vista. It won't be cheap, but it'll cost less than hiring the Pope. And you really can't put a price on losing that Satanic force that is holding you back.

    Feeling bedeviled? Who ya gonna call? Me.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      Awesome.

      @Tron ("I ain't fraid o' no ghosts") -- simply awesome. Made my day. We need more comments like these. :)

  7. Stewart Haywood

    Mass Production of Holy Water

    Holy water is supposed to protect people from infestation by nasty evil demons. Holy water is made by exorcising and blessing some salt, tipping it into water in the shape of a cross and then blessing the salty water. (You can look up all the correct words to say on the web).

    My idea is to mass produce holy water by dumping exorcised salt out of aircraft flying over reservoirs. Then, every morning, the whole population could shower in holy water, drink holy coffee and so on. That should keep the demons away.

    Now, if this was trialed in the Vatican it would be interesting to see if there was a sudden spate of spontaineous human combustion cases.

    BTW, Amorth actually claims to exorcise more than 300 demons a year himself and has about 350 people working for him.

    1. Rex Alfie Lee
      Joke

      Exorcise Salt

      Couldn't we just do one big ocean exorcism?

  8. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Stop Press ... Hot News just in

    Apparently the Dutch government are going to sue the Roman Catholic church, which presumably means also his Holiness, and was there ever a more unfortunate and/or accurate title for anyone, considering they are being pursued for child abuse and pedophilia?

    Holland showing the world a lead again.

  9. Bill Fresher
    Dead Vulture

    Candidates

    I'm wondering what proportion of the posters in this thread could do with being exorcised.

    Or getting some exercise for that matter.

  10. Richard Cartledge

    Eh?

    Lucifer and Satan are completely different, but used interchangeably in the story.

    1. Etrien Dautre

      Good News Then?

      Neither the Luciferians, nor the Satanists are The Reg Team in this case/all cases.

  11. KitD

    Tis true ...

    Anyone else thinks he sounds like Blofeld when he talks? All he needs is a cat to stroke..

  12. Rex Alfie Lee
    Grenade

    Devil did it...

    ...ahhhrrrgh, growl, chomp, pzzzt! "Lord father on high. Please protect me from the things I do unto the little children. The devil made me do it & I didn't want to. Well, I did want to but that's the devil making me want to. I'm innocent, innocent....honestly innocent...true...really...innocent I am.".

    Screaming sleazoids that need a bullet from a 303. Get rid of them all.

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