Much of the United States - including "urban and suburban areas" - may soon be overrun by a plague of "giant, invasive snakes" capable of "attacking and killing people", according to genuine federal boffins. The scientists in question are those of the US Geological Survey, which yesterday published a terrifying report warning of …
FCC Edited Version
I actually watched SOAP (?) on FX, and the dubbed version was "these Monday-Friday snakes on this monkey-fighting plane"
And... FAIL big or don't FAIL at all
Tastes Like Chicken
Since they are edible I really don't see what the problem is.
"The actual snake species in question range up to 20 feet and 200 pounds dry weight."
That's before they're fully fueled and armed. Right?
From experience, Florida & South Texas both have their fair share of reptiles. More than most of the other states. However, Snake encounters of this magnitude are so rare, it's usually reserved for the back page of some local newspaper. Lethal encounters are extremely rare and are usually reserved for alligators and crocodiles.
Poisonous snakes, usually shorter than your leg, in wooded areas and far out rural areas are the guilty parties in most injury or death cases. And that's only because the snake was acting out of defense.
As for the two researchers at the US Geological Survey, they should be tested again for drugs and signs of schizophrenia. Because they definately failed all of the previous tests.
This would have made a great April Fools Story.
Pity the snakes
These snakes don't stand a chance.
Years ago, I was an engineer in a manufacturing plant located in rural Arkansas. Somehow, two African Lions were released into the woods. The locals guessed that they had escaped a nearby animal refuge, but the owner of said refuge claimed that a person trying to give him the lions had abandoned them after he refused to accept them.
Either way, once it was known that there were lions loose in the woods, and the police were OK with the locals hunting them “out of season”, they only lasted a few hours. If you dig up news reports of the incident, the locals claim to be keeping their guns handy because they were scared there might be more lions on the loose. As a former resident of the area, I can tell you the truth was this: the locals were jealous of the hunter that got the first two, and they wanted their own trophy.
We Americans have strict hunting laws because, without them, the hunters will completely eradicate the species being hunted. A common example is the passenger pigeon, but many states had local wildlife erased – deer, coyotes, wolves, bear, etc. Some of these states have “re-introduced” the species to their former habitats, but it's still difficult to keep the hunters from wiping them out again.
So to sum up, if these things become a nuisance (say, eating pet dogs) it won't take an elaborate plan to eliminate them. All it will take is for the police to pass the word that you can legally hunt them. The extermination would go even faster if you tell the hunters the snakes either a)taste good, b)make a good trophy, or c) put a bounty on the snakes.
Joke note: If you give the hunters a bottle of whiskey for every snake killed, the snakes might not last a week.
Hand grenade because the hunters used to use these to fish, and they would again if it was still legal.
Here's the solution
Mmmm, KFS (Kentucky Fried Snake)!
A 20-foot python means lots of snake on the barbie!
Sorry but us in the Southern US already have a plan for eradicating snakes. See, lurking in the comments section on ole El Reg I have read many half-assed comments about guns and the gun happy rednecks here in 'merka. Good thing too, I don't know if TASERS work on snakes.
Pass me my 4/10 or 12 gauge and I'll be happily eating boa stew tonight.
Gun control...yeah right. That's being able to hit what you're shooting at.
**By the way, a nice 12 gauge shotgun can be had for $189.00 at Wal-Mart. :)
Are these monster snakes bullet proof?
because if they aren't it's going to be a very short war for control of the US.
Lots of nice new snakeskin clothes.
Where's St. Patrick when you need him?
It's a Good Thing (tm) that I live in New England. let's see one of those slithery tropical beasties last through a good New England winter.
Point and laugh, boys. Point and laugh.
You'll want to thouroughly cook the meat first, though--they easily carry parasites like freshwater eel do. :)
Mmm, BBQ snake on an open flame. :D
Python boots back in fashion?
Given that many Americans in these areas are armed to the teeth and really like hunting things I don't think the snakes have much of a chance.....
Not terrible hazard
These snakes are less dangerous than a curry down at the Anglo Alsatian Restaurant down at the end of my street.
For Robert Hill's delectation these 15 foot visitors reputedly taste like chicken when cooked.
No worry about snakes, until after they cross Mason-Dixon
Civilians south of Mason-Dixon are much better armed than civilians to the north - 45's makes big holes in big snakes...
@ Let's see how many I can get
Ophidian overlords is the phrase you're groping for.
On a motherf***ing plain!
Scientists call this disease "bromadrosis"
You know, my python boot was too tight
Couldn't get it off last night
A week went by
And now it's July
I finally got it off, and my girlfriend cried,
"You've got stink-foot"
Kind of insipid for Louisiana, isn't it? Here in California, when I have to shoot a big rattler or two, I use the recipe I often use for whole chicken legs.
Mix 6 cups Buttermilk with one 5 oz bottle Tabasco. This mixture will keep for a while, so only use enough to cover, refrigerate the rest for tomorrow/next weekend. Soak cleaned/skinned snake 4+ hours (yes, I use ziplocks). Overnight is better. Drip-dry, and lightly flour with seasoned cornmeal (seasonings vary according to mood, but use at least 1/2 tsp salt and another half tsp chipolte powder (I use tipico, morita works well, too) per cup of corn meal). Allow to rest for half an hour or so after flouring, to allow the buttermilk to be soaked into the corn meal. Cook over medium-low indirect heat (~270F), with smoke (I use Red Oak and green Manzanita branches) until done.
Serve with fresh, warm corn tortillas, rice, black beans, pico de gallo and queso fresco (home-made is best, if you have the time, for all of the above), and a good IPA to wash it all down (Lagunitas works nicely). My field hands love it when we have to kill a rattler ... The standing deal is that I have to make lunch the next day! :-)
 We only kill them if they are found more than twice per molt in or around the areas the kids have access to ... a little lacquer stripe, and then they get released in the areas we have ground-squirrel issues, half a mile or more from any out-buildings. The cats around here don't need help policing the barns for rodents.
Hmm, is it that you can't spell and have also failed to notice that one's already been done to death or are you speculating on what'll happen when they reach the wide open flat bits of the US?
Nobody cried bullshit yet?
I remember hearing that by the turn of the century, the USA would be overrun by Africanized Honey Bees, aka Killer Bees.
AFAIK, the only Killer Bees America has had to deal with to date were the ones Wu Tang rapped about.
Of course, I could be wrong. In which case, go fuck yourselves. Therefore, Paris.
Pity its a complete lie really
The irritating thing about this story ( aside from the depressing statistic that every single fact mentioned in it is wrong ) is that the dumb bastards are using this bollocks to try and ban the importation and interstate transportation of a whjole slew of animals.
This will penalise thousands of honest reptile keepers and effectively shut down large sections of the pet trade.
They bleat that this is about conservation but yet cats and dogs are allowed to eat the native wildlife at will with n'ery a peep.
Only parts of florida will EVER be affected - the climate in the other places mentioned will not support a population of any of the species of python and no boa constrictor comes close to being as deadly as they claim.
As a side point the total deaths from snakes in the US in the past 20 years is..........
And this includes the native venomous snakes as well. The much hyped news stories are quietly updated as the truth comes out - the child "killed by a 12 foot burmese python" recently turned out to have been killed by the parents who tried to use the snake to cover it up. The snake was only 8 foot long by the way and being kept illegally in improper housing in the first place.
But I guess "drug selling lackwit kills own child - also keeps a snake" isn't as catchy a headline.
The idiots involved in this legislative fiasco are happily fellating PETA thinking they are kissing mother nature.
Oh and even their own experts are now backing hurriedly away from the population estimates originally claimed to be in the wild.
The more I see of people like this the more I like my snakes.
Oh and paris because we have stupid, fellating and drugs in the post already.
Valtrex for the win!!
Snakes "common in trade and commerce"
What jobs do they do?
We should be told.
Ah yes, global warming again raises its ugly head.
- On the matter of shooting down Amazon delivery drones with shotguns
- OHM MY GOD! Move over graphene, here comes '100% PERFECT' stanene
- Google's new cloud CRUSHES Amazon in RAM battle
- Beijing leans on Microsoft to maintain Windows XP support
- 'Big Data' analysis Think Amazon is CHEAP? Just take a look at these cloudy graphs...