MESSAGE FROM, H.R.H. THE QUEEN
I saw this the other day. Seems somehow appropriate.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your declining failure to handle your economy and your recent inability to nominate uniformly competent candidates for office of President, and thus to govern yourselves, We do hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, with immediate effect. (if necessary, look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will now resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Utah, with which she remains unamused (that means “doesn't like”).
Mr Barak Obama is to report at his earliest possible convenience (which is a polite way of saying he is to get his ass over there) to Windsor castle, where he will take up duties as an assistant butler at Buckinham Palace.
Mr George Bush junior will be assigned to a nursing home for the terminally bewildered in Bognor Regis, where accommodation has been arranged for his comfortable stay.
Mr George Bush senior will attend a course in effective birth control. We do appreciate this is a little late in the day, but it will give Us a certain satisfaction.
Our curent Prime Minister will assume the same position with respect to America. He will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded forthwith.
To aid in the return of your country to the status of a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary,look up 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
2. There is no such thing as U.S. English. English is the language we speak. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter “u” and the elimination of “-ize.”
3. July 4th will be continue to be celebrated as a public holiday in order to acknowledge the end of your unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or spending hours with a therapist then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
5. In view of the above Rule, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. Using roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. At the same time, all your forms of measurement will go metric with immediate effect. We had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that it works better than the old imperial system anyway. Because your monetary system is already metric (you did get that bit right) you will be permitted to maintain the dollar as your form of currency. We may however decide to brighten up those dull old green and black notes were some exciting new spring colours and pictures of ourself
8. On the subject of money, you will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10 per gallon. And you will commence using the Imperial gallon. Get used to it. “Checks” will be referred to as “Cheques.”
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer. They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has done for them. American drinks previously known as beer will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine” allowing them to be sold without risk of further confusion until such time as you get used to drinking proper beer.
10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears removed with a cheese grater and second only to Dick van Dyk’s mutilation of what one assumes to be Cockney in Mary Poppins.
11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football. There is only one kind of proper football; the game you (mistakenly) insist on calling “soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further; you will cease playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hold an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad.
14. You will refrain from describing things as “kinda like”. The subject is either similar to something else or it is not.
15. Equally, you will refrain from using the expression “Have a Nice Day” It never sounds as if you mean it and, frankly, it gets on one’s tits.
16. You will be permitted to retain the verb “sucks” as a derogative term. One rather likes that, and One may consider using it Oneself to describe Charles.
17. You will immediately stop using “could of” when you mean “could have” or – possibly – “could’ve”. Similarly “should’ve and “should have”, “would have” and would’ve” are acceptable. “should of” and “would of” are not. It makes One’s toes curl
18. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
19. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you mistakenly call catsup.)
20. Tea will be properly brewed. Teatime will begin promptly at 4:00 p.m. daily, with proper cups and saucers and never mugs. High quality biscuits (which you mistakenly refer to as “cookies”) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season, will be served at tea time.
God Save the Queen!