You know how it is - things are a bit quiet in the internet cafes of Lagos, people have sussed MARIAM ABACHA doesn't really have $30,000,000 (THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS) in gold bullion looted from Saddam Hussein's personal vault, and so it looks like it's time to up the email scam ante. Well, what about trying a line of attack with …
"and I might just spear your life"
fairly primitive technology for a modern day international assasin. . .
Dear Mr Killer
Thank you for your kind and polite letter.
My extensive network of contacts in MI5, the CIA and Mossad have discovered your location and identity.
Unfortunately, all of my professional operatives are busy on other assignments at the moment, but my desire to expedite this transaction has forced me to use a resource that I normally reserve for making (rather messy) examples of people who offend me.
The good news (for you) is that he won't kill you (some kind of religious conviction), and I believe you can lead a fairly reasonable life without a penis.
If you wish I can ask him to remove your hands as well. That way you won't miss the loss of your genitals quite so much.
Hoping you are well (at the moment)
Actually, I do know about your ill-tempered mutated sea bass, which is why I'll be bringing my tetchy deformed little skate, spiny dogfish, goosefish, spotted hake, windowpane, and summer flounder - all of which are natural predators of the sea bass.
@ Dave Harris
>>...forwarded it to their local FBI field office, who, as far as I'm aware, tend to take a rather dim view of extortion, assassination and the like....
Only when done by others ... they are quite happy with most of the above if they are doing it!
The alien, well just ask them about the FBI...
"... the gristly and gruesome deaths."
How did you know they were gristly. Did you try frying then eating them with some fava beans and a nice chianti? In my experience international assasins tend to be very fit and, therefore a bit on the stringy side. I'd recommend a long slow casserole.
I can't wait to get one of these at work. It's got to be worth a couple of weeks of sick leave for the psychological trauma.
Why don't we...
...simply use the reply e-mail to sign up to a porn site? They'll be inundated with plenty of replies. V14gra, anyone?
you forgot the headers......
i was gonna send it to my ex-!!!
best laugh i have had in ages
looks like tha lads in lagos have exceeded themselves,,, hehehe...
I assure you these e-mails are real
I'm not sure why you lot seem to think these e-mails aren't real.
I have paid Mr Jacks H. Killer to end YOUR life, yes YOURS.
Let me point out a few key points, which obviously have you doubting the sincerity of Mr Killer's e-mail.
Firstly, I'm a skin-flint, and refuse to pay Mr Killer what he demands, and therefore he will try to supplement his income. He does this anyway he pleases, but usually he gets a kick of making his target cough up in the (mistaken) belief they will be spared.
Secondly, you think his poor use of English is inadvertent, when in actual fact, it is his (poor) attempt to disguise his real identity (the silly sod uses his real name to send the e-mails).
Thirdly, when he says you will be "speared" for $9000 USD, that's exactly what you'll get. Once the $9000 has been received, he issues the kill command to the boys, and they then set about you with a spear. You see, he can't afford decent weapons on what I'm prepared to pay him, so he uses crude hand made spears. They're fairly blunt, but after a few good prods they start to have the desired effect, although it can be slow going. They also have the added bonus of being easily transported through customs.
For those of you who have received the e-mail and are still up and running, don't kid yourself about it being a hoax, Mr Killer is very busy at the moment, and has a large backlog of work, he's recently had to attend the funerals of several departed uncles, princes, etc, and these have also caused him some cash flow problems. However, Mr Killer has assured me he will complete all his outstanding contracts.
So you see my (ex-)FRIEND, the end is nigh.
Try as I might, I couldn't quite match the same level of appalling English as the originator of the threat. ;)