back to article Field technicians want to grab my tool and probe my things

There’s a woman at the front door. She has come to twiddle my knobs. Here we go, you’re thinking: yet another puerile SftWS column opening with cheap sexual innuendo. Well, not this time, young Bucky. It’s been four years almost to the day since I first began writing these weekly rantings, so it’s about time I put an end to …

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  1. WylieCoyoteUK
    Coat

    OOh missus!

    Sorry to mess with your stereotype, but these days, engineers carry tool cases or even briefcases, not boxes, and rarely wear overalls. They may even wear a smart suit.

    Except on TV of course, where an engineer always wears a stained boiler suit and a woolly hat and carries a clanking cantilever toolbox, even when working on advanced electronics.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: OOh missus!

      ...and is often accompanied by an unseen funk band pumping out some chicka-wah grooves before the housewife that he's visiting finds that her clothes have accidentally fallen off.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

      Technicians carry tool cases. Before he departed for a country that actually valued engineers my brother used to say to people "I'm an engineer - and before you ask, I've never used a spanner in my life."

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

        People who fix washing machines, and TV's etc are not Engineers, in the same way the person ringing up the till in Boot's is not a pharmaceutical scientist.

        Anyway I am starting to wonder whether we will see a lot more repairman, the future is looking like you may be better of being low tech on a lot of things, IOT seems eminetly hackable at the moment, can't see the advantage of that over a good mechanical lock for example.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

          They're repairpersons now.

      2. YetAnotherLocksmith Silver badge

        Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

        If you claim to be an engineer and have never used a spanner in your life, you likely aren't much of an engineer, truth be told.

        If you've never had the inclination to follow the life cycle of your product from cradle to grave, & play with, or even build, the machines that make your machines, you'll never be best at what you do.

        It's like saying you are a computer guru but never in your life touched a hard disk.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

          "If you claim to be an engineer and have never used a spanner in your life, you likely aren't much of an engineer, truth be told."

          Depends. I'm a civil engineer. I use spanners when I tinker with my motorbike, but I never had to use a spanner at work. For the kind of engineering work I do, my most used tool is a HP 48GX.

      3. a_yank_lurker

        Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

        On this side we call them monkey wrenches. One time I was working with German colleague and I handed him a monkey wrench. He said: "Ja, ein Englaeder". The Germans do not have a very high opinion of anybody else' engineering skills.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

          That would be an Engländer, which is one of several types of adjustable spanners or Verstellschlüssel. The name probably derives from the fact that a tool like that can save your bacon when you've got a complete set of metric spanners but suddenly have to deal with the odd non-metric screw*. Which would have happened quite a lot during the early stages of the industrial revolution - for example the first steam locomotives used in Germany** at the time were imported from England***.

          Another type of adjustable spanner is called Franzose (Frenchman), which is quite like an Engländer, but symmetrical.

          However, what most people (wrongly) call an Engländer these days, is actually a Rollgabelschlüssel - which was invented in Sweden by Johan Petter Johansson. IKEA has a litle set of tools that includes one of those. Very handy, actually.

          Another adjustable spanner is the Excelsior-Schlüssel, which combines features from the Engländer and the Rollgabelschlüssel. As the moving jaw can be fixed, the Excelsior can handle a lot more torque. I don't know whether Stan Lee owns one, though.

          Yet another type of adjustable spanner is the good old Rohrzange, which comes in so many shapes and sizes that I'm going to stop now.

          *Sounds like a fun way to spend the weekend, but that's neither here nor there.

          **At the time, i.e. at any given time before 1871, "Germany" technically didn't exist yet, except as an idea. The reality was a heterogeneous conglomerate ot several kingdoms, dukedoms and independent city states.

          ***The first steam train ran in 1835 Between Nürnberg and Fürth. The engine - Der Adler (The Eagle) was built by Robert Stephenson and Company in Newcastle.

          1. Mike Taylor

            Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

            That is more interesting than I care at admit at this stage of the day. I need a Franzose to complete my set.

            1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

              Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

              Mike, you should also get a Rohrzange or several, but make sure it's from the KNIPEX brand. I've seen how they make them and yes, they are really, really good. The sort of quality stuff you can hand down over several generations.

          2. Lars Silver badge
            Happy

            Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

            @ allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

            Handy, yes, but I have also seen them called "nut killers" and "knuckle killers" for obvious reasons. I would be very surprised if I saw one used in my local garage. One reason is ,of course, that they often take up too much space when used.

            1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

              Re: OOh missus! - engineers carry tool cases

              Lars, I meant the IKEA tool set, that really is handy around the house for little jobs, and I don't have to go three flights of steps down to the basement/garage just to get a hammer or a screwdriver.

              With the bike it's always the proper spanner/ratchet/bit so the nuts and bolts don't get warped. Changed the Phillips screws of the cowl panels for Allen screws because the screws started to wear out. As I mentioned in the recent thread on 3D-printers, despite the crash bars I have reclassified the plastic panels as wear parts, sort of.

    3. Number6

      Re: OOh missus!

      Sorry to mess with your stereotype, but these days, engineers carry tool cases or even briefcases,

      So she turns up with a briefcase. Is that where she keeps her briefs?

      I have to admit when I saw the picture and the implication of in-your-end-o, I had flashback to some Star Trek comedy sketch where someone shouted "Scotty's been grabbed by the Klingons!"

  2. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I see what you did there.

    TV repair men... got sick of technology repeatedly ruining their careers and ended up retraining as licensed taxi drivers.

    As well as enough innuendos for Matron and Dr Tinkle to go at it for half a Carry On film.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I see what you did there.

      Some of us founded computer repair departments during the home computer boom and moved into IT full time when we saw the writing on the wall for telly fettlers.

      Or at least I did.

      Never been short of a double entendre or, in an opportune moment, a single entendre.

      1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

        Re: a single entendre

        Just a small one then?

        1. AndrueC Silver badge

          Re: a single entendre

          As the actress said to the bishop.

  3. SkippyBing

    Only four years?!

    God it seems longer...

    1. Semtex451
      Windows

      Re: Only four years?!

      I'll second that

  4. chivo243 Silver badge
    Trollface

    Just wait

    Until there is a rogue repairperson at the door. Harry Tuttle anyone?

    1. phuzz Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Just wait

      If there's a lot of stairs to your front door you might end up with a rouge repairman.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Just wait

      Tuttle or Buttle?

  5. Franco

    For some reason the distress call from the IoT devices reminded me greatly of the episode of Red Dwarf where Kryten is due for replacement by the manufacturer. I hope you didn't tell the device there was no silicon heaven.

    1. Chris King
  6. AndrueC Silver badge
    Joke

    There really is no excuse for innuendo. Someone needs to be given a talking to. A good long stiff one.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "There really is no excuse for innuendo."

      In Dabsy's case no excuse is needed.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    An old business associate and I used to joke about setting up as 'Pitz d'Orf Home electronics repair'

    We were definitely Pitz d'Orf but we never put the name to use.

  8. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
  9. DavCrav

    You say to not wear a red boiler suit, but since IoT technicians are The Next Generation of repairmen, remember that red and yellow have switched. Don't want anyone to die out there.

  10. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    BTW: Scotty wore a red shirt but he didn't die. Why? Because he was a proper engineer. Real engineers are badass.

    1. DropBear

      Yes they are, and Kaylee is the living proof. Well, for moderate amounts of "living"...

      1. Fungus Bob

        I thought she had a rather nice ass.

    2. Chris King

      Real engineers also know better than to beam down with the Captain while wearing a red shirt.

  11. 0laf

    Ubiquitous Father Ted quote

    Mrs. Doyle: "Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box."

    1. Teiwaz

      Re: Father Ted quote

      Feck off IOT.

      1. Chris King

        Re: Father Ted quote

        "Feck off IOT".

        I love my brick(ed Revolv) !

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. regadpellagru

      Re: Ubiquitous Father Ted quote

      "Mrs. Doyle: "Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.""

      Was about to make the same comment. This Father Ted scene was awesome. The dude's wrench was absolutely massive. I don't think I've seen anything like this before.

      1. x 7

        Re: Ubiquitous Father Ted quote

        "The dude's wench was absolutely massive"

        disgusting language. She was simply well-endowed

  12. Gotno iShit Wantno iShit

    It's cold outside...

    Hell will freeze over before a company named TekRpr or, GajFix gets my business but a one man band repair outfit named BggrAyshn might well get a call.

    Of course this will be the second ice age in hell as the first one is needed before any IoT tat enters chez iShit and not just for the reasons Revolv demonstrates.

  13. Novex

    The Trouble is...

    ...that there won't be IoT repair men, there will be IoT replacement people who will come and simply take away the broken thing and replace it with a newer model at a price. Repairs seem to have gone out of fashion.

    But, maybe your repair woman could have a go with my 'thing'. It could do with an MoT*. But if it fails the MoT I'll need a new one...

    *MoT = Manipulator of Things

    1. AndrueC Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: The Trouble is...

      ...that there won't be IoT repair men, there will be IoT replacement people who will come and simply take away the broken thing and replace it with a newer model at a price

      So yet more business for Sky Engineers then?

    2. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Things To Come

      Goodness, why would the Thing Replacer be a person? Either there will be a Thing made for the purpose of bringing you a new Thing and taking away the old one, or your Things themselves will do it: those that are mobile anyway or supposed to be. Your front door will have a Thing-flap so they can let themselves in and out - or rather you will have your own app for control of your flap.

      1. Stoneshop
        Big Brother

        Re: Things To Come

        Your front door will have a Thing-flap so they can let themselves in and out

        Which will then break down.

        It also will not allow other vendor's IThingReplaceThings through or have it replaced by another IThingReplaceThing, never mind Third Party IThingReplaceThings, so each of those will require its own proprietary IThingFlap, which will evidently require an extension to your house consisting entirely of doors in which these IThingFlaps can be mounted.

        You won't have control of these flaps, otherwise how can IThingReplaceThings come in and replace IThings when you're out? They don't want to disturb you have you around when they're "upgrading" your IThings.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Things To Come

          Stoneshop, I think you're getting into a bit of a flap.

    3. Blitheringeejit
      Alert

      Re: The Trouble is...

      And this brave new world shall be called "Things As A Service", and will include free OpenThings, pretty but expensive "iThings", and flaky "Things365".

      And these Things will monitor your every activity, and report your metrics back to Things Mega-Corp Inc, who will agglomerate everyone's metrics into a world domination strategy, and will therefore need to be regulated by the Ministry of Things.

      Or possibly OfThing.

      Please shoot me now.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "... it’s about time I put an end to such smut"

    Oh?

    Hmmm.

    Nice column you have there, Mr Dabbs. It would be shame if something was to happen to it.

  15. frank ly

    An innocent explanation

    "My house is full of IoT devices, ..."

    We're all hoping that this is because of your techno-journalist interests. (See many previous comments on IoT articles.)

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: An innocent explanation

      I don't have any IoT devices. I was imagining a future in which I might have some, possibly whether I want them or not.

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