back to article Computers shouldn't smoke. Cigarettes aren't healthy for anyone

Welcome again to On-Call, our series in which readers share memories of nasty jobs they've been asked to do. On-Call usually appears on Friday, but Easter means nobody will be around to read it. So here we are on Thursday. This week, reader “George” tells us, “Many years ago I was a PC repair tech at a small computer store, …

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  1. David Roberts

    New motherboard and memory?

    Should have thrown in a case and PSU as well, given the overall cost.

    Then just moved the HDD across.

    Save all the time spent cleaning up.

    1. DropBear

      Re: New motherboard and memory?

      Preferably one of those that have actual air filters installed...

      1. jelabarre59

        Re: New motherboard and memory?

        Preferably one of those that have actual air filters installed...

        At one time I thought that should become standard equipment on all systems, then I realized a lot (most) users wouldn't ever think of checking/cleaning them. Leading to a lot *more* overheated power supplies and systems.

    2. JimmyPage Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: New motherboard and memory?

      I still have my grandfathers ax. I changed the shaft and my Dad changed the head .....

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  2. McShufts

    Used to work at a certain second hand chain that rhymes with tex. You could always tell the chain smokers by the browny green gunk with a yellow tinge coming out of the fans. They always got arsey when you told them to go away and clean it.

  3. chrishansenhome
    Mushroom

    Keyboard hell

    When I was working in New York years ago, we had a user who was quite a chain smoker. (This was long before smoking in offices was prohibited.) He had a particular problem with keyboards--he went through them in about 6 months. The office continued to provide him with new keyboards, but after a while the management asked me to investigate. I took his last borked keyboard and turned it over. A cloud of fine grey dust floated down to the desk. He had been exhaling quite close to the keyboard and what escaped from his lungs did not escape from the keyboard. He was asked to smoke outside.

    1. waldo kitty
      Pirate

      Re: Keyboard hell

      A cloud of fine grey dust floated down to the desk. He had been exhaling quite close to the keyboard and what escaped from his lungs did not escape from the keyboard.

      that was more likely just ashes that fallen off into the keyboard instead of the ash tray... smoke doesn't hang around like that ;)

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        1. PNGuinn
          Stop

          Re: Keyboard hell @ Symon

          "Give him an IBM model M ... "

          Not MY model M (wishes he had one...) and definitely NOT MY dishwasher

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

            1. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

              Re: Keyboard hell

              No it isn't, it's Alt 156?

              1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

                Re: Keyboard hell (@Binky)

                Alt-0163 and Alt-156 with BOTH produce the '£' sign.

                1. Peter2 Silver badge

                  Re: Keyboard hell (@Binky)

                  If you are British then you buy the IBM Model M, UK Layout which has the pound sign on it.

                  I know, because i'm typing this on one.

                  1. Alan Brown Silver badge

                    Re: Keyboard hell (@Binky)

                    And if you cant have a model M, get yourself a Cherry G80

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                3. Eddy Ito
                  Trollface

                  Re: Keyboard hell (@Binky)

                  Huh, I always used Alt-412, Alt-0675, Alt-924 or Alt-01187. It's all very odd, if only there was a known pattern to it.

                4. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

                  Re: Keyboard hell (@Binky)

                  It's definitely Fake Friday. I misread 0163 as 163. You're quite right, 0163 is fine.

            2. Fibbles

              Re: Keyboard hell

              Why go on ebay when you can buy a new one?

            3. jelabarre59

              Re: Keyboard hell

              I have about 10 Model-M keybords around the house. Doesn't seem to like working with my USB-based KVM though (once I put the PS2-USB adapter on it).

        2. Bluto Nash

          Re: Keyboard hell

          Oh, HELL no. various levels of) While a Model M will certainly survive that and more, that's the user you give the $5 OEM keyboard, not a good one.

      2. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects

        Re: Keyboard hell

        > smoke doesn't hang around like that

        Damp smoke does in cold weather with high humidity as for example weather just prior to a line-storm. It turns into mildew where that condenses. I imagine that was the priciple cause of tuberculosis in the late 1930s until the clean air act.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Keyboard hell

      Back in the day *before* PCs (yes, I am that old) I shared a terminal with heavy smoker.

      After he'd used it I would have to turn the keyboard upside-down and bang it to shake out the bits of rollie and beard...

    3. jcitron

      Re: Keyboard hell

      That sound like it was dropped ashes inside and not exhaled smoke that were causing the problem. Since the ashes are carbon, and carbon is conductive though resistive, it will cause little circuit shorts across the etches.

      1. The First Dave

        Re: Keyboard hell

        You're getting confused with soot - that is (fairly) pure carbon, but ashes should be anything BUT carbon: whatever trace minerals were in the baccy and paper.

    4. Mark 85

      Re: Keyboard hell

      We didn't have much of an issue with smokers but eaters... I've found chicken bones (the small ones) chunks of sandwich, cookies (biscuits to you in the UK), and other assorted items, usually in blue or green fur hosting a civilization. After a couple of months of cleaning keyboards we started tossing them in the bin although they probably should have went in the one marked "Haz-Mat".

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    machine brought in in a garbage bag

    While working at a small mom-n-pop computer place doing the usual sales, new builds, and repairs/upgrades, we had a customer bring their machine in for repair. They had the machine in one of those Hefty<tm> garbage bags. Hummm... So it was signed in on a repair ticket and placed in the repair center on the shelf.

    A day or two later, one of the techs (moi) took the system off the shelf and started to open it on the workbench. A sudden cringing thought came to mind regarding why this machine was bagged like it was so out the back door we went with another tech or three and several cans of bug spray. Someone gingerly opened the bag and started to work it down off the machine when hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of German Cockroaches came swarming out. Cue the bug spray and someone quickly wrapping the machine back up in its bag, sealing it with tape and then it was left there to cook in the sun for days. This was in the summer and we were having quite wonderful (not) F100+ degree days. It still took over a week for those bastards to cook and die.

    Later on, another tech was able to open the bag and remove the machine so they could attempt to diagnose and repair it. They found that the inside was filled with Boric Acid. No, the machine was never repaired. In fact, it never came back into the shop without being in its protective bag.

    The customer was given numerous options that all ended up with a whole new machine being the solution. They were also warned that every other computer shop with a 50 mile radius would be notified to be on the lookout if they decided to take this machine elsewhere for repair.

    Anonymous because I still have nightmares about those roaches crawling up out of that bag, the company is still around somewhere and everyone in the area knows the story.

    1. GrumpenKraut
      Coat

      Re: machine brought in in a garbage bag

      Gasp! But

      > ...and hundreds of German Cockroaches came swarming out.

      how could you tell? Did the march in ranks or had tiny Pickelhauben on their heads?

      Mine is the one with the bags full of pyrethrum ----->

      1. WonkoTheSane
        Trollface

        Re: machine brought in in a garbage bag

        Nope, the top of the PC was covered in little towels!

      2. Mpeler
        Boffin

        Re: machine brought in in a garbage bag

        No, they were all reading c't. :)

      3. waldo kitty
        Boffin

        Re: machine brought in in a garbage bag

        Gasp! But

        > ...and hundreds of German Cockroaches came swarming out.

        how could you tell?

        you simply look at them... Blattella germanica are quite different from American cockroaches (Periplaneta americana), Oriental cockroaches (Blatta orientalis), Wood roaches, Florida's flying roaches (aka Eurycotis floridana aka palmetto bug) and others...

        https://www.google.com/search?q=german+cockroach

    2. Mpeler
      Coat

      Re: machine brought in in a garbage bag

      Those aren't bugs - those are features! (windoze 1 0, no doubt)...

      Yes, I'll take the one with RaidTM.

  5. Chris Miller

    I've told this story before (sorry)

    In the late 90s I was called to the computer room at our German call centre (located, like many German call centres, in former East Germany). The aircon was unable to maintain temperature and the servers (AS/400) were complaining. The room was just a standard office area that had been partitioned off and the doors carried Nicht Rauchen stickers.

    It didn't take long to spot the problem - the windows were wide open. I pointed out that this was preventing the aircon from working effectively. "Yes, but if we close them, it sets off the fire alarms when we smoke." A typical Ostie attitude toward dictats from central authority.

    1. Bill M

      Re: I've told this story before (sorry)

      Reminds me of another old AS400 story about the smash 'n grab burglary of a UK building society where a lorry was driven through its large front windows, driving over an AS400 that has been "securely" placed near the window. When the on-call techie arrived he noticed the tyre tracks over it but pushed it back the right way up, plugged the power cable back in and was relieved to see it boot up perfectly

      May or may not be an urban myth, but those AS400 were certainly heavily engineered.

      1. Roger Varley

        Re: I've told this story before (sorry)

        I could certainly believe it to be true. I used to reckon that the only way to stop one of those muthas would be to open one of the side panels and chuck a hand grenade inside, and I'm not entirely convinced that that would even kill it.

        I loved those machines.

        1. Bill M

          Re: I've told this story before (sorry)

          I once tried pick one up and was convinced it was bolted down until a couple of heavies were called to help.

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: I've told this story before (sorry)

        "May or may not be an urban myth, but those AS400 were certainly heavily engineered."

        Back in the day there was a story about DEC being asked for a copy of VMS. Given that the enquirer wasn't a customer they asked why. He said he'd found a MicroVAX in a skip.

        1. Mpeler
          Coat

          Re: I've told this story before (sorry)

          Was it just outside a building in Westboro? (Hardy Boys, MicroKids, and all)...

  6. Chris King

    Not just nicotine-tar dust bunnies...

    I was once called out to deal with a machine that had gone kaput. The prof in question was a chain-smoker, and his office had yellowed walls.

    I knew the machine was a goner before I even opened it. Beige tinge to the case and keyboard, and it was sitting on a layer of cigarette ash. Opening it up, I found that all the fans were totally gunked up and wouldn't move, so it looked like the CPU had cooked itself.

    "This is beyond economic repair. All I can do is transfer the data from the hard drive once your department replaces the machine".

  7. chivo243 Silver badge

    Laptop

    Intake duct, ashtray adjacent to it( a colleague was her friend and told us after the fact), chain smoker, the computer stank so bad we could smell it before she took it out of the bag.... nobody took the on the task, we told her it was a health hazard...

  8. AdamT

    ... not just PC's either. Once helped a friend gut a house he'd just bought (partly because of the hideous 60's décor and partly because the previous occupants were chain smokers). As we took down the lovely 60's polystyrene ceiling tiles you could crack them apart and see how far the yellow had soaked into the tile...

    1. chivo243 Silver badge

      I had a similiar experience, a friend bought a house, the people that lived there died there. They were really old, and chain smokers. He had the whole house re-plastered, and with in a few days, the nicotine was bleeding through the new plaster on the ceilings. YUCK!

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        and with in a few days, the nicotine was bleeding through the new plaster on the ceilings. YUCK!

        Your eyesight is truly amazing. Nicotine is a colourless liquid! A few days ago a friend claimed that he can see water vapour, and that's a colourless gas. Is it some new mutation among the young or something?

        1. x 7

          "Nicotine is a colourless liquid!"

          what s/he means is the toxic nicotine-containing tar which condenses on walls and ceilings. Toxic mainly because of the carcinogenic nitrosonicotines and nornicotines it also contains. As I've mentioned before, one of my previous employers used to make them for standards checking

    2. Hollerithevo

      Back to the brick

      We bought a flat from a couple who had moved into it in the 1950s and had both smoked steadily from that point. We tossed the curtains. We stripped the wallpaper. Then we took every scrap of plaster off walls and ceiling. We took up the carpets and lino and the wooden floors and started again. Oh, and also all the kitchen cabinets, bathroom cabinets, built-in wardrobes.

      Nasty.

  9. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Hollerithevo

      Re: Smoking.

      No, it takes your life just when you'd really like it, i.e. in your 50s or 60s. The idea that you have a great middle age and early old age and then tidily keel over is a myth. You have steadily worsening health, perhaps chronic bad health, and then you have a wretched death.

  10. x 7

    I went to a house in Blackpool to fix a dead PC. Owner was a chain-smoking lazy sweaty stinking fat bastard who'd not picked up the empty beer cans and pizza boxes dotted around his house for at least six months. Claimed to be a game developer "so needed the PC urgently".

    Chain smoker. I got the side open, and it was completely full of ash. Not just a covering: it was completely full of ash, while all the surfaces were brown with nicotine tar residues. No spare space inside, it was a wonder the machine had not ignited.

    I screwed the side back on, told him "Its a health hazard. I'm not touching it until its been professionally decontaminated". He started mumbling and crying about his "games" and I was quite blunt: "you should have thought of that before, and backed up. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM"

    I told the agency I was working for, and they blacklisted him. Working in his house, or on the machine was an environmental hazard: I would have needed a full COSHH assessment before starting!

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      It really is a shame that Peter Molyneux has let himself go like that.

  11. EddieD

    Please don't remind me.

    I once had to go and fix the printer of a grand dame at the University. It was an old Oki laser printer that had an open toner cartridge - I always ended up with toner to the elbows.

    Worse that that though, was her computer. At that time smoking was still allowed in some offices, including hers, and she did. There was an ashtray on the base unit of the machine, below the right hand edge of the screen. The screen was yellowy-brown all the way up that bezel. The keyboard of the computer literally sucked at my fingers it was so damp with exhaled tar. Turing the keyboard upside down and tapping it (part of my standard service) produced a veritable avalanche of ash, crumbs and crud.

    Fortunately, shortly after there was a smoking ban in all offices.

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