back to article My devil-possessed smartphone tried to emasculate me

My left testicle is bruised. Next to me, my wife is looking at me with a surprised expression. Once the stars fade from my eyes, I realise I have just screamed out loud like a little girl. Given what had just happened to my testicles, I almost became a little girl. I really must try to remember to adjust the position of my …

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  1. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Rose gold?

    I was all set to sympathise, but anyone with a rose-gold phone deserves all the nut cracking they get.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Rose gold?

      Who says his phone is rose gold? It might be prickly rose-pink ...... in which case he is a very very special man.

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Rose gold?

      For handbag-dwelling mobile phones their fate is to perennially ring, whilst the owner searches past inhaler, paracetamol, sanity products and Card Factory valentines gift before said owner gives up with a stoic shrug and the phrase "never mind, they'll ring back".

      It's no surprise the trouser-dwelling ones take to more carnivorous habits.

      For the record, and it's just my opinion: rose gold is a crap colour choice for tech whatever your gender.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Rose gold?

        > For handbag-dwelling mobile phones their fate is to perennially ring

        Especially when said handbag-holder has a mobile phone where the maximum ringer loudness is barely enough to alert a hyper-aware cat. And choses a midi ringtone that is rendered very, very quietly. And has a phone in a case in her handbag to make sure that it doesn't get damaged or randomly redial last dialled numbers. And sometimes forgets to charge her phone until it's given the bingly-bingly tones of death and switched itself off.

        Which is (apparently) why she never answers my phone calls. Or so she says..

        1. MyffyW Silver badge

          Re: Rose gold?

          @CrazyOldCatMan I can attest there's definitely a market for a charger powered by the random interaction of lippy, emery boards and sub-par usb sticks.

        2. Montreal Sean

          Re: Rose gold?

          My mother in law either has her mobile phone with her and it isn't charged, or it is fully charged and sitting at home next to a pot of week old tea...

        3. Havin_it
          Pint

          @CrazyOldCatMan Re: Rose gold?

          >Which is (apparently) why she never answers my phone calls. Or so she says..

          I've got bad news for you. That description is too nail-on-the-head to be anyone else, so it's not just you she's not answering. I think we should confront her together and find out exactly how many men she's doing this with!

      2. alferdpacker

        Re: Rose gold?

        Sanity products I could do with.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Rose gold?

        For handbag-dwelling mobile phones their fate is to perennially ring, whilst the owner searches past inhaler, paracetamol, sanity products and Card Factory valentines gift before said owner gives up with a stoic shrug and the phrase "never mind, they'll ring back".

        Sanity Products? Such as Xanax?

        1. MyffyW Silver badge

          Re: Rose gold?

          @AC "sanity" products, oh lordy! Of course it was a typo but on reflection perhaps as near to the mark as any other object.

          Give me the lithium and nobody gets hurt :-)

  2. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Trollface

    Clearly...

    You have too much room in your trousers Alistair.

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Clearly...

      You could, of course, slip a modern smartphone into your back pocket. Although the resulting non-ionising radiation in poor reception areas might make it appear someone has been spanking you. On one buttock. Assuming you're in the habit of showing your bare bum to anybody other than your physician, that is.

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: Clearly...

      Actually, probably too little space. I wear baggy cargo pants and I never have any issues, though monstrousities bigger than 4inch in size are usually put in one of the thigh pockets not one of the top ones.

      In any case, the best flip phone ever invented is not the RAZR it is the KRZR.

      1. It is bombproof - it is one of the first phones to use Al2O3 for its other "glass" shell. You can probably shoot it out of a big enough gun - it will survive. I have seen it survive being run over by a car.

      2. It is half the size of the RAZR while having the same feature set which was pretty good for its days.

      The only thing that separated my SWMBO (and after that when we handed it down - my mom) from it was the fact that its software has some serious issues with 3G refarming of GSM frequencies. It immediately reboots. As a result despite being still intact and functional as a phone (it is somewhere around my spare parts drawer) it is unfortunately unusable anywhere in Western Europe.

  3. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Pint

    Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

    too much technology today is too hard to use. Whatever happened to 'Easy of Use'? Back in the day, our functional spec template had a whole chapter devoted to it.

    For thos us us with BIG hands and/or are lefthanded lots of things just don't work for us or at best, rather a faff. So called shortcuts are soon ignored as we follow a path that works for us. Often this is to much amusement and hilarity of those watching us. They are the smug gits who are (usually) not cack handed and have normal sized hands/fingers.

    As to the phone in the pocket issue and possible castration... (the mind boggles)

    1) Don't use a super sized phone (yes I know this is awkward if you have huge fingers)

    or

    2) Wear trousers that are not skin tight. most of us are not skinny things. Like men in leather trousers, unless you don't have an ounce of extra weight, you look an idiot, a fashion mistake.

    Then there is this quote

    utter bollocks will always make its way onto the Internet. It is the way of things.

    And to this site on the odd ocassion perhaps?

    Have pint on me this weekend.

    The opinions expressed in this post are probably politically incorrect, I can almost hear the PC Police preparing to cart me away. At least that will give me something to do this weekend...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

      utter bollocks will always make its way onto the Internet. It is the way of things.

      This is Dabbsy's problem. He's worked out the reason for everything, but failed to make the vital final connection.

      No, his phone isn't trying to slice off his bollocks. It's trying to bite them off. Once achieved it can then upload them to the internet. Where they belong.

      1. swampdog
        Joke

        Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

        Now there's an idea for an app. Combination of proximity and humidity sensors could detect the nad-zone. There could then be initiated, an animation of teeth biting down. It would halt when mobile is extracted from pocket.

        Why is my battery going flat? Dunno mate. I leave it to others to flesh out the girlie version as I've just recalled the article about IR sensors.

        Kickstarter?

      2. Arctic fox
        Childcatcher

        @I ain't Spartacus RE: "It's trying to bite them off..........

        .......Once achieved it can then upload them to the internet."

        You do realise that the image of Mr Dabbs' testicles being removed al dente and then uploaded to the internet is going to haunt me for years and may cause serious psychological damage? I have already booked time with my GP as a precautionary measure. You will be receiving my medical bills ongoing.

    2. Elmer Phud

      Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

      Almost . . .

      you forget that 'PC' was demanded by those who said 'something must be done!!'.

      when 'something' was done to protect the masses from racists, homophobes etc. it turned out that the greatest threat was the PC brigade themselves --- the massed ranks (sp?) of Mail and Scum 'readers' who clamoured for action.

    3. DropBear

      Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

      "Whatever happened to 'Easy of Use'?"

      What happened is you turned into this. Oh, you were looking for the polite answer? Sorry, my bad then...

      1. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

        The older you get, the less conductive your skin is, which is why oldsters have such a bad time with capacitive screens.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I had to use wifi calling once due to poor reception, never again, Doris Stokes had more chance of getting a response.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      My esteemed colleague has got WiFi calling turned on permanently. As it doesn't appear to have a setting of use the phone network that actual works when it's available, and only default to WiFi when that isn't working.

      So, wonderful, he can make Dalek style calls on Tube platforms. But it then uses Dalek mode WiFi when he's in the office and he ends up coming and standing virtually on my desk (which is next to the WiFi router) in the vain hope of getting some reception. I've pointed out that it's our office broadband connection that's flakey and the WiFi not only reaches into his office perfectly well, but also the next door pub garden...

      The other constant conversation I overhear is, "just a minute. Let me call you back. I'm about to leave the office and it'll cut the call off when I do".

      Sadly he's still ignoring my suggestion of just turning the damned thing off - though he's also still complaining about it.

      1. Martin Summers Silver badge

        "the WiFi not only reaches into his office perfectly well, but also the next door pub garden..."

        And you are still working in the office?

        Granted it's winter but surely during the summer at least?

    2. Richard 12 Silver badge

      I turned it off within two days

      Shortly after I realised that I hadn't received any calls at all since T-Mobile had enabled it.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As for the RAZR..

    .. I still have 3, two of which still work and the 3rd is used for spares.

    Personally, the v3i was dimensionally perfect, so perfect indeed I was willing to overlook the earlier shiny keyboard which was useless in sunshine (luckily I lived in London at the time so that wasn't a frequent problem), and the software which was.. Well, let's just not go there. But it worked well for receiving calls.

    It is a sad state of affairs that the RAZR was (and is) the only phone you can stick in your pocket, be it trouser, jacket or coat variety and not have it bother you. More shocking was that despite its small size it has damn good reception and a battery life that reaches beyond the time it takes to travel from charger to aforementioned pockets, using battery technology that has since apparently been forever lost to mankind. Probably because someone tried to save the formula using that shiny keyboard and erased all dev records instead (no, not DevOps, go away).

    Moving on to the rose-brown aspect, I reckon those would be the phones to smuggle. No change of accidentally butt dialling someone by an involuntary movement, so to speak, and even there they would have proper reception.

    Just answering a call would be tricky.

    1. BebopWeBop

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      I agree, both electronically and physically it was gorgeous. My only gripe - terminal for my ownership - was the piss poor user interface.

      1. druck Silver badge

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        My first ever phone was a Motorola, and it was the last ever Motorola too, due to the abysmal UI.

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      I now hate you both! Say after me: "The RAZR was the best phone ever!" Now write that down 100 times!

      It's forever implanted in my memory as my favourite ever phone. Because ergonomically it was perfect. I don't ever remember having problems with the shiny keyboard - partly I suspect because it was a proper keyboard with big keys for my big fat fingers, so I didn't need to look at it. Even though it had that weird, flat, interleaved metal design, you still got positive feedback from pressing them. Unlike the occasional frustration of tapping on unresponsive glass smartphones. I had the original, in silver, and don't recall it being too shiny, followed by the the V3i in (ahem!) metalic aubergine - it came with an Orange contract, so I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't metalic orange.

      The flip was brilliant. Made it small, and thin in the pocket - because they'd made the phone so wide. This made it very nice to hold in your hands - and meant the microphone reached your mouth. Also the flip and your face together act as a wind-break - so your listeners don't think you're standing in a hurricane when talking to them on the street. And they could use a more directional microphone too, hence the call quality was better. And you couldn't accidentally press buttons in your pocket. Even my smartphone has managed to unlock itself in my pocket before. Finally, you could end a call by flipping the phone shut, one handed, with a very satisfying snap.

      The software on the other hand. Oh dear. Aaarrgggh! Now you've reminded me, and spoiled my happy nostalgia. What a mess. And on the V3i - the hardwired WAP button, that couldn't be reassigned. The one that they put, right next to the on/off/end-call/cancel button. Aargh! I think it was about 2p just to open the Orange WAP portal, that it defaulted to.

      I wonder if it's some kind of law? The better a phone is ergonomically, the worse the software? Certainly borne out by my favourite smartphone case design, the HTC Wildfire.

      I dug an old Samsung slider out of a drawer for Mum, when her phone broke. It was my second favourite dumbphone, bought after flip phones stopped being sold, and the RAZR had died. I had fond memories, until I tried to show her how to use it. That Samsung UI was even worse.

      1. To Mars in Man Bras!
        Headmaster

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        *"..I wonder if it's some kind of law? The better a phone is ergonomically, the worse the software?..."*

        *"...That Samsung UI was even worse..."*

        I have no love for Apple whatsoever these days, but I think one of the things people forget is just how awful phone interfaces where, before the iPhone came along. Every manufacturer had their own take on a GUI and they were almost all unutterably awful and unintuitive.

        I used to run an Apple software forum, back in the days before the iPhone existed and I can remember the palpable sense of excitement when it looked like *finally!* [after many previously dashed hopes] Apple were about to elbow their way into the phone market –and the cries of "Hallelujah!" all round when they did and we realised that phones could actually sport a UI that bore a passing resemblance to something that had actually been designed and thought out, rather than stuck together from bad clip-art, as an afterthought.

        Of course it's very unfashionable to give Apple credit for anything these days. So feel free to post your *"My MotoNokia XQ&2 had a better UI than iOS and Android, back in 1992" replies below.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge

          Re: As for the RAZR..

          Oh, I dunno.

          About when all that was going on, I had a cruddy WinMo device with the excellent SPB Mobile Shell on it.

          The latest versions of Android are almost as good as that[1], but the homescreen navigation looks primitive when compared to the SPB carousel.

          Also Android's voice dialling sucks donkey cock when compared to the old MS Voice Command product. This bit I find hysterically funny as Google's version uses powerful servers online to do the job while MS made it work rather better using only a sclerotic single-core ARM processor and bugger all memory.

          [1] As in: Why wasn't there a "look 'n feel" lawsuit?

      2. BebopWeBop
        Joke

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        I gave my mum my second spare Nokia 6310i (you see I love her) three years ago. Her second mobile phone - the first did not survive contact with the enemy). It's still working, she's on a limitless minute contract, and I am still loved (well actually no, and given my sacrifice a little pissed off)

    3. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      The Motorola software was bad, certainly, but it was poor on all mobiles at the time with the exception of the mighty Nokia. My Razr enjoyed a second life when passed to my daughter but she had to (reluctantly) give it up when she needed a tri-band device for a Japan trip. It would still be in use today if the catch on the battery compartment hadn't snapped off.

      1. Peter Simpson 1
        Happy

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        The first Nokia I had (circa 1995) was endowed with absolutely brilliant firmware. Its UI was perfectly tuned to the way I wanted to do things. The menus were logically arranged, so that the function I was most likely to want to do was the one on the main button. It was a joy to use.

        The second Nokia I bought had menus designed by a chimpanzee. It was not a joy to use, it was crap. Worked well, but the menu system was similar in design to that of a Chinese microwave. Obviously, the chap (or group) who had designed the firmware for the first phone had asked for too much of a salary increase, and had been sacked.

        1. Triggerfish

          Re: As for the RAZR..

          The Razr was great, got it when it first came out due to our company mobile bills being on the high side, (many international calls to Asia), so our network gave it free.

          Damn it was so groovy, first phone that truly reached the shiny status (Iphone you really do not compare), remember walking round SEA and people dribbling over it. It looked like it should have been in star trek with those metal keys, and the blue backlight and clamshell design.

          It was also ridiculously tough for what it was, mine fell from my pocket when riding dirt tracks, had sand in all the joints, dents in the casing, it only died about a two years ago which is a ten yearish lifespan. I was properly sad about that.

      2. Stevie

        Re: Nokia software better than motorola?

        In what alternate universe?

        Nokia call quality here in NY was the best of the best, but the interface was all but useless. Even finding one's own number (because who can remember the damn thing?) took the manual at hand and umtytump key presses.

        Motorola had the interface sorted - especially when it came to hands-free use, but lousy voice quality in comparison.

        1. Dan 55 Silver badge

          Re: Nokia software better than motorola?

          Anyone who liked Motorola's late 90's UI and hated Nokia's has their brain wired up back-to-front. There's no other explanation.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      "It is a sad state of affairs that the RAZR was (and is) the only phone you can stick in your pocket, be it trouser, jacket or coat variety and not have it bother you."

      I always have a front pocket on my shirt and I have a Sony Z series compact with a lanyard. I don't care if it looks a bit dorkish; the phone doesn't bother me at all, I can hoick it out when it rings without any difficulty, it never gets tangled with my intimate locations, because my pocket contains nothing else it doesn't require a case. It works perfectly as a phone.

      And now Sony have brought an end to the Z series and it looks like never again will there be a sensibly sized 4g capable phone with a lanyard hole.

      1. Daniel B.

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        I'm partial to the W300i, the last pocketable phone I ever had.

    5. Zack Mollusc

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      Never understood the appeal of the RAZR. I tried one when they were new and it barely did anything. No support for the various types of data (music, video, text, pictures) that one might want. No terminal app, etc. Everyone already had a shitty phone that barely did anything, why was a slightly thinner version such a big deal. The HTC Desire was a swiss army knife to the RAZR lollipop stick.

  6. Known Hero

    best 4 weeks ever

    Lost my phone once, after the the first week of being rather panicked it was GLORIOUS.

    I would organise to go somewhere at a certain time, when I got there:

    people would always explain they have been trying to call me!

    I ask Why ?

    They reply to know if your on your way.

    I said I would be here at yada yada, and I was driving anyway, not going to answer the phone.

    But in reality not having a mobile enabled me to not give a fuck about other people, Yeah I Loved it !!! Yeah I miss it, but dammit having a mobile is too damn useful.

    1. BebopWeBop

      Re: best 4 weeks ever

      Living in the boonies, in a very solidly built stone house, I only get mobile reception in one part of it. Friends and visitors know that, so I can happily have the phone going to answer whenever I want to without massive opprobrium. I don't tend to advertise the fact that in that part of the house, reception is good enough, and I have a strong 4G signal, so good in fact that I tend to use it as my primary means of accessing the outside world via my network when in the house.

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: best 4 weeks ever

        It's always a good idea to let people know when oyou move in a new house reception can be terrible, gives you an excuse to ignore the phone. :)

        Downside to always being available is some people assume that means you should always respond instantly, I came from a generation where as a teen I still wrote letters in the first couple of uni years before email became popular, don't know how some would cope with that now. I have genuinely worked with people who told me if they do not get responses to texts within a few minutes (not work ones private how you doing sort of texts) they will be pissed off with that person.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: best 4 weeks ever

          " I have genuinely worked with people who told me if they do not get responses to texts within a few minutes (not work ones private how you doing sort of texts) they will be pissed off with that person."

          The feeling's probably mutual.

  7. Blofeld's Cat
    Angel

    Er...

    "... early flip-phones were still equipped with a small ariel ..."

    Always handy if you needed a tempest, although getting it out of a tree in the first place could be difficult.

    1. Warm Braw

      Re: Er...

      Actually, I thought he'd found the ideal place for a moon of Uranus.

      And if he has a problem with his nads, why doesn't he keep them in his wife's obviously capacious handbag like a normal husband, leaving his trousers free for something he's going to use.

  8. Martin
    Pint

    Chewed Moolah Bells

    “I’m sorry, I cannot play with chewed moolah bells by your coal field.”

    No, dickhead, I said Tubular Bells by oh never mind I’ll do it myself you cretinous, steaming pile of over-rated development failure.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Just brilliant. Laughed out loud. Have a virtual pint.

  9. Potemkine Silver badge

    There's no problem, only solutions

    Fatigue pants: lots of pockets, tough material and giving you a post-punk look you should consider ^^

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      The problem with that, is you can then shove so much stuff into your many pockets, that you can no longer walk. Or find which pocket any of it is now in...

    2. Peter Simpson 1
      Happy

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      Belt holster.

      Keeps the RF away from your delicate bits as well.

    3. Fred Dibnah

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      How about some of these trousers?

      Goodies

      @ 2 minutes

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