back to article Plane food sees pilot grounded by explosive undercarriage

Australia's Transport Safety Bureau has published a study analysing incidents that incapacitated pilots in flight and found that gastrointestinal issues were the runaway leader. The study only covers Australian incidents between 2010 and 2014, producing a sample size of 113 incidents at a rate of one each 34,000 commercial …

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  1. caffeine addict

    "gastrointestinal issues were the runaway leader."

    Shirley, you mean the runway leader?

    1. Jason Hindle

      Shirley, you mean the runway leader?

      Sounds more like a runny leader....

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @caffeine addict; "Shirley, you mean the runway leader?"

      He *did* mean the runaway leader... and don't call him Surely.

  2. 27escape

    Those chicken snacks are nasty

    Really, you are better off skipping that part of the in-flight food

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

      One of the side-effects of a broad spectrum allergy to half of the plant kingdom is that I now carry my food and do not regret it.

      You are always better off to throw a slice of serrano, parma, "flie elena" or similar grade ham which will not go bad even for 10 days in tropic heat, some vacuum packed fully matured cheese and a bag of fruit.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

        One of the side-effects of a broad spectrum allergy to half of the plant kingdom....

        I think this is a regional genetic abnormality originating in Liverpool, still prevalent there, but now quite widespread in other regions. The sufferers are unable to eat any green vegetables, root vegetables or salad. Luckily all forms of fried edible tubers are readily tolerated, along with products based on the residues of beta vulgaris, and those from processed barley and hops, so long as none of the toxic vitamins or fibre remain.

        1. TheProf
          Happy

          Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

          I hail from Liverpool and sadly what you say is true for me. I have a thorough dislike of vegetables and do enjoy a beer/whiskey/glass of wine or two.

          I'm not sure what you mean by 'products based on the residues of beta vulgaris'. Pickled beetroot?

          1. PhilBuk

            Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

            I think he means the dish 'Scouse' which has a bit of beetroot in it.

            Phil.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

              I think he means the dish 'Scouse' which has a bit of beetroot in it.

              Actually I was referring to sugar beet, and all the marvellous confections that can be made with sugar. I could have been more precise, but that would have disturbed the carefully crafted comic balance of the original post.

              Imagine how rich I'd be, and how successful my employer's business if I put this much care into my day job!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

      Most food on an Etihad flight is pretty rank to be honest.

      1. Dagg Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: Those chicken snacks are nasty

        If you consider Etihad rank don't go anywhere near Qantas...

  3. druck Silver badge
    Happy

    Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

    Just once, please, just once!

    1. Roger Varley

      Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

      It would be OK, if the response was a loud "Hooaah" and a couple of Chuck Norriss look-a-likes confidently step forward. I think I would find it a tad demoralising if the request was met with a deafening silence.

    2. Paul_Murphy
      Joke

      Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

      I have flown F-15s, Concorde and the Shuttle, Apache helicopters and many other aircraft, though I doubt that games and PC-based simulators really count,

      1. Nigel 11

        Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

        ISTR reading that if you have landed a big jet a good few times in a flight sim you are likely to be able to land one for real (wiith assistance from the control tower) if it ever becomes necessary. There are cases of non-pilots being talked down successfully even without any sim experience.

        However, I am surprised that they don't give cabin staff a few hours in the real flight training simulator and a refresher every couple of years. Or do they (and impose secrecy for PR reasons)?

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

            "Get me Rex Kramer."

            Surely not!

        2. EuKiwi

          Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

          There has never been a single incident of a non-pilot being talked down whilst flying a commercial jet. Light planes, yes, but that's not what we're talking about here.

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

        3. Fursty Ferret

          Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

          However, I am surprised that they don't give cabin staff a few hours in the real flight training simulator and a refresher every couple of years. Or do they (and impose secrecy for PR reasons)?

          They don't because it's highly unlikely that cabin crew would be able to land it safely even after practice in the simulator. You may (with enough study) be able to coax an autoland out of the thing, but since an autoland requires a lot of ducks all lined up in exactly the right order to work anyway, that's a gamble at best.

          PC flight simulators bear absolutely no resemblance to the real thing, particularly the landing - in fact, even £30,000,000 full flight simulators are noticeably different to land than the aircraft itself.

          My airline allows us to eat the same meals because they concluded that if we're going to get the shits it's highly unlikely to be from the food on board.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

            "They don't because it's highly unlikely that cabin crew would be able to land it safely even after practice in the simulator."

            "Highly unlikely" is still an improvement over certain death. It's why we distinguish between Kamikaze attacks in WW2 and Swordfish attacks, which were very nearly, but not quite, suicidal. (In the Scharnhorst/Gneisenau attack all 6 aircraft were lost and 13 out of 18 crew killed - they did no damage at all to the ships.)

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

            Yes, we see it from how many so called professional pilots still can be unable to perform a full manual landing when required... like the two in San Francisco not long ago.

        4. Alan Brown Silver badge

          Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

          "However, I am surprised that they don't give cabin staff a few hours in the real flight training simulator and a refresher every couple of years. Or do they"

          Many airlines do. That said, those staff tend to crash in the simulators due to lack of practice.

      2. P. Lee

        Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

        I've flown a Y-Wing...but that was underwater

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D6HxQhIN8Y

      3. Hans 1

        Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

        I guess it all depends on what simulators ...

      4. Simon Harris

        Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

        "I have flown F-15s, Concorde and the Shuttle, Apache helicopters and many other aircraft"

        By the time I'd read this much, I thought 'bloody hell, Jake's back!'

      5. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

        I flew many a wingless X-15 and SR-71 back in the day. Really augured in and bought the farm on those ones :)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

      > Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

      Jake?

      /icon - Jake alert

    4. Captain DaFt

      Re: Is there anyone on board that can fly a plane?

      Yarr, matey! I be bringing this fine vessel to safe harbour, no problem!

      ... What be that? You said "pilot", not "pirate"?

      Yarr, we be scuppered!

  4. Chris Miller

    "aircraft fumes"

    Many pilots are concerned about this. On most airliners, cabin air is obtained by bleeding air from the engines, which are lubricated using some fairly dangerous chemicals. If seals aren't quite as tight as they should be it's possible for the air to be contaminated. Anecdotally, some aircraft types are worse than others.

    There's no definitive evidence for this, and much possibility for psychosomatic symptoms, but problems have been reported numerous times (as this report demonstrates). The new Boeing Dreamliners use as a USP the fact that they don't produce cabin air from the engines, getting it directly from the outside atmosphere (and at somewhat higher internal pressure, too).

    1. jaywin
      Black Helicopters

      Re: "aircraft fumes"

      As long as the inlets aren't too close to the chemtrail outlets...

      1. Graham Marsden
        Alert

        @jaywin - Re: "aircraft fumes"

        > As long as the inlets aren't too close to the chemtrail outlets...

        And don't forget the extra-thick tinfoil hat because you're closer to the Orbital Mind-Control Lasers...

    2. Nigel 11

      Re: "aircraft fumes"

      There's no definitive evidence for this

      I thought it was well-documented that engine faults have led to dangerously contaminated cabin air, leading to flight crew donning oxygen masks and making emergency landings. ISTR that what pilots are concerned about (without definitive evidence) is that lifetime exposure to low "normal, safe" levels of these chemicals might be dangerously cumulative. They are organophosphates, an overall nasty group of chemicals.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: "aircraft fumes" / crew cancer risk

          You'd have to differentiate the types of cancer first in order to be able to say anything substatial on the matter. Hint: sunbathing will increase the risk of skin cancer. Also, nowadays flight crews don't get that much free time between flights anymore.

          Oh, and I'd like the opportunity to mention this: Liquidators (sorry about the source, sometimes it's just too convenient)

    3. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: "aircraft fumes"

      Anecdotally, some aircraft types are worse than others.

      The BAe 146 and its derivatives are colloquially known as the "Flying gaschamber". Nothing anecdotal about it, there is a design reason. The engines on that aircraft are actually turboshafts designed for helicopters, modified to run as aircraft turbofans. The engine runs at revolutions that are too high for a high-bypass fan, so there's a reduction gearbox at the front (leading to that odd, asymmetric appearance to the engine nacelles). The gearbox lubricant is highly toxic and, if and when the gearbox leaks, a mist of fluid is propelled into the air system by the engine fan.

      1. Jos V

        Re: "aircraft fumes"

        You are not wrong teecee. I think they stopped producing them in 2002 or so, being the most successful British aircraft.

        Anyways, the final report on the air quality is here

        http://www.aph.gov.au/binaries/senate/committee/rrat_ctte/completed_inquiries/1999-02/bae/report/report.pdf&sa=U&ved=0ahUKEwjy9fCJ7Y3LAhVG1I4KHReeAwkQFggmMAk&usg=AFQjCNFHdrPpgF_KNbB7LFpyPQy7IEkVoQ

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "aircraft fumes"

        Geared turbofans weren't new with the BAe146, Garrett engines had them on aircraft from 1972.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "aircraft fumes"

        Yes a case of where the TCP they use is not the smelly but harmless thing you dab on grazes but an organophosphate that should require a pressurised hazmat suit. Pity, as the 146 is a relatively nice plane otherwise. I chose not to fly on them anymore in the early 1990's

    4. Erewhon

      Re: "aircraft fumes"

      "If seals aren't quite as tight as they should be"

      There's your problem. Bringing seals onboard. Seals belong in the water. Eating fish. FFS!

      1. graeme leggett Silver badge

        Re: "aircraft fumes"

        Along with otters. Talking of which, how many otters could you get on an aeroplane?

        1. imanidiot Silver badge

          Re: "aircraft fumes"

          That depends, are we talking DHC-3 Otter or DHC-6 Twin-Otter?

          1. Neoc
            Joke

            Re: "aircraft fumes"

            No, not those; the otter one.

        2. PNGuinn
          Stop

          Re: "aircraft fumes"

          "Along with otters"

          Pull the otter one.

          What we need is sharks, with frikkin lasers.

          A defense mechanism against stupid laser wielding yobbos.

          Now all we need is a defense against aircraft food ....a large dog?

        3. EddieD

          Re: "aircraft fumes"

          Isn't it 100, if you can have one in the microwave?

          1. graeme leggett Silver badge

            Re: "aircraft fumes"

            I remember two in each overhead locker. One under each seat where the lifejacket should be...

            But Martin wouldn't let there be any on the flight deck.

      2. PNGuinn
        Joke

        Re: "aircraft fumes"

        "There's your problem. Bringing seals onboard. Seals belong in the water. Eating fish. FFS!"

        So do penguins.

        I claim my five pounds!

        Spotted you, microsoft troll.

  5. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Boffin

    These laser strikes...

    Perhaps they're not the work of antisocial idiots, as usually assumed, but are actually being done by reputable scientists working out how to accelerate a load of passengers to Mars by light pressure?

    1. JetSetJim
      Flame

      Re: These laser strikes...

      On first reading I'd thought they were gastrointestinal laser strikes - i.e. a more advanced form of the regular gastrointestinal incidents.

      1. Woza
        Coat

        Re: These laser strikes...

        Well, it is stimulated emission...

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