back to article Fancy flying to Mars? NASA's hiring

NASA has put out a call for the next generation of astronaut candidates, in anticipation of regaining the ability to put people aloft space aboard US-built spacecraft. The space agency's head honcho, Charles Bolden, said: "This next group of American space explorers will inspire the Mars generation to reach for new heights, …

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  1. Alister

    Brian Kelly, director of Flight Operations at the Johnson Space Center, described right now as "an exciting time to be a part of America’s human space flight program".

    Until the next round of budget cuts, anyway.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Windows

      Indeed.

      Under "We Came, We Saw, He Died" Hillary, the "Pivot to Asia" has a chance of getting red glowing hot.

      And wrecking CVNs in the China Sea is like shredding gold-backed banknotes under a cold shower...

  2. chivo243 Silver badge

    This would be interesting

    but I'm too old, too tired and under qualified. Plus I never had the urge to get a pilot license.

    Oh well -

    I can't help about the shape I'm in

    I can't sing, I ain't pretty and my legs are thin

    1. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: This would be interesting

      "Plus I threw up a lot, and nobody liked spending a week with me. "

    2. Ralph B

      Re: This would be interesting

      Hmm, "at least three years of related, progressively responsible professional experience" ...

      "related" - Your work was related to your degree. OK.

      "professional experience" - You got paid for it. Right.

      "progressively responsible" - What's that again? Does that mean you climbed the corporate ladder?

      Damn. I thought I might be in with a chance.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: This would be interesting

        Hmmm. Doesn't say if they consider "Computer Science" to be engineering, physical science, mathematics or the banned "technology" category.

        If it is, then I, as a 46-year old 17 stone desk jockey might actually qualify - the swimming part is easy (lots of buoyancy), and they could save money on a space suit (it would have to be bigger round the middle than normal, but with less insulation).

      2. Mark 85
        Trollface

        Re: This would be interesting

        "progressively responsible" - What's that again? Does that mean you climbed the corporate ladder?

        Could this be a devious plan to move C-Suite types off-planet?

    3. Yugguy

      Re: This would be interesting

      Don't ask me what I think of you - I might not give the answer that you want me to.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is there a B Ark?

    I don't fit any of the criteria for this one, so there must be one that takes people with arts degrees who get dizzy on a swing and have 1000 hours of accredited flight time on Falcon 3.0.

    1. lawndart

      Re: Is there a B Ark?

      If you can remember Falcon 3.0 you are probably too old and may be considered getting on a bit with 1000 hours on Falcon 4.0.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Is there a B Ark?

        I think age is the least of my problems when I look down the job specification.

        Why don't they just say 'Has to have been a US Air Force Pilot, Like Always' and have done with it?

        1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

          Re: Why don't they just say 'Has to have been a US Air Force Pilot, Like Always'...?

          Because one presumes US Navy (the Kelly brothers, for example) and US Marine (fewer but prominent nonetheless) pilots would also be welcomed.

          1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

            Re: Why don't they just say 'Has to have been a US Air Force Pilot, Like Always'...?

            The navy guys are AVIATORS.

            Okay, I guess tonight's movie will be 'The Right Stuff'. Or 'Space Cowboys'. Or 'Capricorn One'.

            1. Bleu

              Re: Why don't they just say 'Has to have been a US Air Force Pilot, Like Always'...?

              Capricorn One. A great dramatised documentary, with the added thrill of a star who later GOT AWAY WITH MURDER. Blonde wives of black lives don't matter.

              Unbeatable.

              Srsly, I stick to parts of 2001 for my fix of space-is-the-place.

              More recently, Moon was also pretty great, but it is all on the Moon, except for the rushed ending.

              Gravity is said to be good, but Clooney was so awful in the horrid parody of Solaris, and my capacity to suspend belief doesn't extend to him and Bullock pretending to be in SPAAACE, boycotted for now.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Why don't they just say 'Has to have been a US Air Force Pilot, Like Always'...?

                Have some Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honnêamise then. Shit's dope.

              2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

                "...but Clooney was so awful in the horrid parody of Solaris..."

                But you get a glimpse of his naket butt, and on that alone I sold it to two ladyfriends of mine who aren't that mutch into SF films.

        2. stucs201

          Re: 'Has to have been a US Air Force Pilot, Like Always'

          Because things have apparently changed, see Buzz's tweet about it which links to a NASA myth debunking post...

          https://twitter.com/TheRealBuzz/status/661998252305154052

      2. Stuart 22

        Re: Is there a B Ark?

        "If you can remember Falcon 3.0 you are probably too old and may be considered getting on a bit with 1000 hours on Falcon 4.0."

        Yep, I was thinking that. Maybe I should put my grand-kids names down. They haven't quite got round to getting degrees or flying licences or American citizenship but I'm sure they could by the time the programme shifts into top gear. As backup maybe my great grand-kids who haven't got round to being born yet!

        Then there will be a tiny bit of me that gets there and, hopefully, back. That would be good, very good.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is there a B Ark?

      I shall wait until the space programme calls for 48year old, slightly podgy, past the prime of youth candidates, then I will be first on the list for some interplanetary travel....

      1. Simon Harris

        Re: Is there a B Ark?

        "Past the prime of youth"

        Waiting for the 'old codgers' recruiting campaign. I reckon I'll be about 70 by the time they get around to sending people to Mars.

        1. Mark 85

          Re: Is there a B Ark?

          Maybe an "old codger" might be for the best. We're cynical, usually a broad base of knowledge, and reactive about some things, other things we ride out because experience has taught us to know the difference. I do believe that "youth is wasted on the young"...

      2. JDX Gold badge

        Re:wait until the space programme calls for 48year old, slightly podgy

        There's already a mission which wants that. But it's a round trip (you never land) and they want you to be married. And you have to bring your spouse with you.

      3. Bleu

        Re: Is there a B Ark?

        Sign up for Mars One! ... but they seem to have a stronger preference for relative youth than any of the official agencies.

        Not that they will be going anywhere, but there is always that tiny chance!

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Flame

          Re: Is there a B Ark?

          Let's just hope that the B Ark isn't sent careening into the Sun, ala The Simpsons. If you get onboard and Rosie O'Donnell is covering Judy Garland classics, be very afraid.

    3. Bleu

      Re: Is there a B Ark?

      The new qualifications will be riding on Branson and Scaled Composites' ride, if it ever gets into its fun-fair ride mode rather than sudden-death mode, *and* a bullshit degree in a bullshit field.

      They will never be going to Mars.

      I almost support Mars One, but they clearly have no idea.

      Neither does NASA.

      As I've said before, the USA leeched everything they can on free-fall survival from the USSR and Russian space programmes.

      Radiation problem beyond the van Allen belts remain, I was much amused by the proposal to pack turds as they are expelled into the walls of the hypothetical craft for Mars. Think they will enjoy the inevitable stench?

      If you really want to get there in an efficient way, a system for recycling human waste as soil is far more efficient.

      In Britain, 'night soils', used as fertiliser around population centres. In Japan also, the collection and use as fertiliser probably predates the British.

      What a waste and a destruction to flush it into the ocean.

    4. Chris King

      Re: Is there a B Ark?

      The B Ark ran on autopilot and was programmed to crash, so even if you're the sort of person who head-butts asteroids in Elite Dangerous, you'll do.

      (Been there, did that in the first training mission. I hit Emergency Boost and Silent Running on my HOTAS, but at least the resulting explosion took out four of the eight toxic waste canisters before I died)

  4. Graham Jordan

    If only

    From 14 December until mid February, NASA wants to hear from those pilots, engineers, scientists and doctors who think they've got the Right Stuff.

    It says wannabes' CVs must include "a bachelor's degree from an accredited institution in engineering, biological science, physical science or mathematics", and "at least three years of related, progressively responsible professional experience, or at least 1,000 hours of pilot-in-command time in jet aircraft".

    So sleep deprived, chronic masturbaters who's math skills drop off after the 10x table aren't on the wanted list?

    Shit.

    1. Midnight

      Re: If only

      "So sleep deprived, chronic masturbaters who's math skills drop off after the 10x table aren't on the wanted list?"

      Don't worry, you can always apply for a management position.

  5. hatti

    No sireee

    The cynic in me is wary of 'bigging up' comments about this being "an exciting time to be a part of America’s human space flight program."

    That smells like a golden one way ticket to me, plus would there be a podule on board to check my salary had been paid OK I wonder and does Mars have pubs?

    1. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: No sireee

      "does Mars have pubs?"

      I'm guessing that by the time they arrive, there'll be an O'Leary's on Mars...

      (not strictly a pub to British Standards, but closest ISO equivalent)

      1. Bob Wheeler

        Re: No sireee

        You could always stop off at a JJ Moons....

      2. chivo243 Silver badge

        Re: No sireee

        @ A B

        Surely you mean O'Zorgnax's Pub....

    2. Simon Harris
      Coat

      Re: No sireee

      "does Mars have pubs?"

      No, but there is a Mars Bar.

      I'm here all week, folks! (fortunately it's already Thursday).

      1. Phil W

        Re: No sireee

        "No, but there is a Mars Bar."

        The Bounty of your comedic repertoire is an absolute Picnic and very on Topic.

        I applaud your wit, if only we could all be Smarties like you.

        1. Simon Harris

          Re: No sireee

          And as it's a NASA mission, aspiring astronauts will have to be able to sing The Star Spangles Banner.

  6. JeffyPoooh
    Pint

    Memories of doner kebabs will ruin the mission

    The mission will terminate early due to food cravings.

    They'll be sitting around their Martian shelter, playing tiddlywinks in the low gravity environment.

    Somebody will say, "I sure miss doner kebobs...", and the mission will terminate with immediate effect.

    1. Bob Wheeler

      Re: Memories of doner kebabs will ruin the mission

      And if the in-flight menu includes a good curry?

      1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

        Re: And if the in-flight menu includes a good curry?

        Then the mission terminates early with an "extreme plumbing emergency."

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: And if the in-flight menu includes a good curry?

          Spare means of propulsion?

          1. annodomini2

            Re: And if the in-flight menu includes a good curry?

            No just in flight refuelling.

        2. chivo243 Silver badge

          Re: And if the in-flight menu includes a good curry?

          @Ugotta B. Kiddingme

          Or an extreme ventilation problem?!

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Memories of doner kebabs will ruin the mission

      That's funny, I've been thinking.

      You know what I miss?

      I miss green.

      You know, trees and.... And grass.

      I love green.

      I'd love a hot dog.

      The Astrodome. Good hot dogs.

      Astrodome?

      You can't grow good hot dogs indoors.

      Yankee Stadium, September.

      Hot dogs have been boiling

      since the opening day in April.

      That's a hot dog.

      -The yellow mustard or the darker one?

      -Darker.

      -It's important.

      -Darker.

  7. ntevanza

    L'enfer

    Can you nominate other people?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: L'enfer

      Keeping Sartre at bay ... in SPAAACEEE!!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My theory

    recruit little old ladies

    Little - lower mass to take into orbit

    Old - cosmic ray exposure will damage reproduction, but that won't matter

    Ladies - will keep the place tidy and won't have the urge to kill each other after months being cooped up in a box together

  9. NanoMeter

    Sorry but - Too old and too fat...

    Only space experience is Elite on Electron and Space Invaders.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Sorry but - Too old and too fat...

      Too fat to fly?

  10. Roger Kynaston

    why oh why

    Can't a scientific organisation like NASA use real measurements. Height needs to be 1.57 to 1.9 metres.

    Also why five foot two and not a round 5 (1.5m) feet?

    </rant>

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: why oh why

      I can picture the NASA debate:

      PHB1: "Astronauts need to be between 5'2" and 6'3" tall".

      PHB2: "We need to me more sciencey, they need to be between 1.6 and 1.9m tall"

      (20 minutes of argument later...)

      NASA brass: "eff-it, let's make sure that NOBODY knows how tall they need to be, and give the spec in inches"

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: let's make sure that NOBODY knows how tall they need to be

        That's what El Reg's standard converter is for:

        Linguine: min 11.4286 / max 13.5714

        Double-decker bus: min 0.1736 / max 0.2061

        Brontosaurus: min 0.0116 / max 0.0137

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