back to article I need a password to BRAKE? What? No! STOP! Aaaargh!

“Why are Volvos called Volvos? Because their drivers are cunts.” Youtube Video So pronounced one of my bosses in my student holiday job days, as he sat, Buddha-like, at the head of the baggage-handlers’ crew-room at Leeds-Bradford Airport, delivering his words of wisdom to a weary audience of one. I eventually learned that …

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  1. glen waverley

    windscreen wipers?

    Why does the self driving car car in the vid have its windscreen wipers on? There's noone inside to look out.

    1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: windscreen wipers?

      Probably rain sensing.

      THIS is how to drive a Volvo.

      1. glen waverley

        Re: windscreen wipers?

        So why does it need rain sensing wipers? (Hope I am not embarking on the " 7 whys" technique.)

        Ok, it might be a showroom model fitted out with driverless tech. But still doesn't have anyone to look out the wiped windscreen. So why leave the rain sensors hooked up to the wipers?

        1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

          Re: windscreen wipers?

          Conversely, you could ask "why bother disconnecting them?" The engineers have a (probably very long) list of more important things to worry about.

          And when they're ready, self-driving cars will still carry passengers who will probably want to be able to see out of them.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Pint

            Re: windscreen wipers?

            I know I'd leave them in along with the sensor activation live. The last think I want to think about is what safety systems have to be put back in/on to allow the id10t driver to take control.

            'Sides, how else do you get a cool-looking video with the driving conditions readily apparent. Engineers are known for caring about kewlness, every once in a while.

            1. Someone Else Silver badge

              @ Jack of Shadows -- Re: windscreen wipers?

              Engineers are known for caring about kewlness, every once in a while.

              Actually, engineers are known for caring about making the damn thing work. K3wlness is the provenance of Marketing types....

        2. Vociferous

          Re: windscreen wipers?

          >So why does it need rain sensing wipers?

          Because it's a standard assembly car with added tech, not a ground-up purpose built car. Although I expect commercial self-driving cars will also have windshield wipers, to let the humans in the car see out.

          1. Jes.e

            Re: windscreen wipers?

            "Although I expect commercial self-driving cars will also have windshield wipers, to let the humans in the car see out."

            Why even have windows?

            Being unable to see outside the vehicle will leave the occupants relaxed and they won't have to be stressed out that their vehicle has left the road and is about to drive off a hovercraft ramp directly into the water as directed by their GPS.

            What's the use of upsetting and stressing people out needlessly as they generally won't have time to react to an emergency situation in the case their car goes off the rails so to speak..

            1. Alistair Dabbs

              Re: windscreen wipers?

              >> Why even have windows?

              The first London Underground trains didn't have window panes for this reason. It was felt that since there was nothing to look at while passengers were in a tunnel, and given that in those days there were guards and porters to help people on and off at each station, windows were unnecessary. Go to the London Transport Museum and sit in one: it's like being locked inside a communal wooden coffin. Nor do you experience any relief when arriving at a station. Passengers hated it.

            2. PNGuinn
              Coat

              Re: windscreen wipers?

              "Why even have windows?"

              So it will crash - it's a prototype you fool.

            3. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: windscreen wipers?

              Because the human occupant will be required to takeover in the event of some shortcomings in the software.

              Thus rendering the whole point of them useless, people want to relax, sight-see or sleep. They don't want to have to pay attention.

            4. WylieCoyoteUK
              Mushroom

              Why even have windows?

              They have to have an OS, did you think they were going to put Linux in there? :)

            5. ma1010
              Joke

              Re: windscreen wipers?

              I agree. No need for windows at all. Or if you do have windows on your self-driving car, see if you can get some Peril Sensitive Sunglasses like Zaphod Beeblebrox had. Designed to help you have "a more relaxed attitude toward danger," they turn darker as peril increases. About the time your car goes off that hovercraft ramp, they should turn completely black.

        3. Kepler
          Coat

          Re: windscreen wipers?

          "still doesn't have anyone to look out the wiped windscreen. So why leave the rain sensors hooked up to the wipers?"

          Surely Glen Waverley was being sarcastic when he wrote this, no?* Was his point not, by posing the rhetorical question, to induce everyone to reflect and realize the obvious ridiculousness and unnecessary complication of the alternative — namely, of connecting the passenger-presence sensors to the interface between the vehicle's rain sensors and its windshield-wiper motors, and making the "On" or "Off" status of the latter interface or connection depend on the presence or absence of passengers?

          I believe that the several responses his comment received were actually just repeating his point.

          (Apropos of which, remember that part of the point of the "Joke Alert" icon and the flashing "Joke Alert" gif is to poke fun at those who make their use necessary. If memory serves, the introduction of the flashing "Joke Alert" gif some 10-14 years ago was accompanied by words from Lester to the effect that "We wouldn't have thought additional words were necessary to make clear that we were joking" — about what, I've long since forgotten — "but obviously we were wrong.")

          .

          * I don't believe he was being sarcastic or insincere in his original post. I believe that post was merely intended to point out the irony of having the windshield wipers on even when no one is in the car. But I honestly do believe his latter post, or at least its second paragraph/final sentence, were intended to be sarcastic. I looked for any follow-up posts in which he might have defended his later assertion, and was relieved to find none.

          But obviously I'm kind-of out on a limb here.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: windscreen wipers?

        THIS is how to drive a Volvo.

        Love the engine sound - sounds like a supercharger hard at work :).

        I rather like the work Audi is doing at the moment, because quite a lot of that seems to be focused on getting it into production - the whole boot full of kit they had last year has already been turned into dedicated PCBs - that may also explain why they tend to use standard production vehicles and only modify them as much as is required to do this auto drive.

        The only thing I didn't like was when they did this in front of a large audience, and there was no way to just listen to the engine - I would have clocked that reporter one not even 20 seconds into the demonstration :)

        1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

          Re: windscreen wipers?

          Love the engine sound - sounds like a supercharger hard at work :).

          No superchargers here, just a naturally aspirated V8. The whining noise is the meshing of the straight cut gears in the transaxle. Strong, but also noisy.

      3. Lord-a-miytee

        Re: windscreen wipers?

        > THIS is how to drive a Volvo.

        Very impressed that car claims to be lubricated with Vulvoline.

  2. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Sorry

    but I must take issue with the unfair and, not to put to fine a point on it, unjust characterisation of BMW drivers as incompetant and useless drivers.

    When a BMW appears in your mirrors , you know its going to be some self important lower middle manager or some down on his luck financial advisor, and you know that they will not indicate or use their mirrors.

    This means that they can safely be predicted in their driving actions and thus either be avoided, or compensated for by your driving.

    No , the real menaces on todays roads are the f***ing audi drivers who all drive like utter morons, just because they think they are being some cool by not buying a BMW

    Nope when it comes to weaving across motorway lanes, driving way too close in the rain (about 6" away) , parking on the pavements forcing everyone to walk in the road, and generally behaving as utter c***s, its always a f***ing audi

    1. Darryl

      Re: Sorry

      You're lucky. We have the dreaded 'Redneck in a Pickup Truck' to deal with as well as BMW and Audi drivers.

      Known as the 'Rig Rocket' as they can only be afforded by oilfield workers, they're jacked up high, fitted with loud exhausts and 24" wheels, and the drivers are almost 100% dicks.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sorry

        Rednecks in trucks I have no beef with. Soccer moms in land barges, texting while putting on makeup and feeding their offspring OTOH...

        1. Fatman

          Re: Sorry

          Soccer moms in land barges, texting while putting on makeup and feeding their offspring OTOH...

          Don't get me started.......

        2. Marshalltown

          Re: Sorry

          Heh. I knew that the world had changed when it became clear that the FIRST thought upon seeing an erratic driver was "cell phone" instead of "drunk."

      2. Eric Olson

        Re: Sorry

        ...and the drivers are almost 100% dicks

        They come up short in every other part of life, typically the trouser region, so why not go deep into debt to purchased a truck that has been rendered useless by aftermarket codpieces?

      3. Doug Bostrom

        Re: Sorry

        Audi: German for "asshole." Here in the States, anyway; something to do with ad campaigns creating a self-selected market of the self-absorbed.

        Of course there are exceptions to every rule, generally found at the dinner table after one remarks that "Audi is German for asshole." :-)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Sorry

          Audi: German for "asshole." Here in the States, anyway; something to do with ad campaigns creating a self-selected market of the self-absorbed.

          Ah, that may explain why Audi runs the US servers isolated from the rest at their HQ. In general, I tend not to judge cars after brands, but after how they are driven. Personally, I like Audis because they tend to be good but obtrusive - my v8 doesn't look all that much different from a standard 2.0 unless you know where to look and I like that, and a 60/40 diff means that I can let someone else drive this car in snowy conditions without having to worry about it that they will kill themselves in the process, yet still have some fun if I want to.

          Personally, I dislike most ad campaigns, but that's probably because I just like the facts, after which I make my choice. I rarely watch TV anyway :)

          However, Audi is one of the companies that is quite advanced in driverless driving, experimenting with practical things like self-parking (and that is SELF parking, not assisted parking - getting out and letting the car park itself) and it too has now automatic queueing in traffic jams and active braking in production vehicles. I suspect the latter will become eventually as standard as ABS has become.

      4. macjules
        Trollface

        Re: Sorry

        And down here in rural Central London we have all those nasty 4x4 Yummy Mummies to deal with. If Volvo drivers are 'See You Next Tuesdays' then Rangerovers are known as porcupine cars ... the difference being that a porcupine has all the pricks on the outside.

    2. Jean Le PHARMACIEN

      Re: Sorry

      Is this why I have a four-ring badged car attached to my towbar* when driving down the M62**?

      Bootnote: I drive a 2009 Citroen C5 - it's quick and absolutely no feedback from the road which is just as well on the M62

      * for a [big] trailer - no caravans

      ** that's going between Warrington and Liverpool where it is possible to do a decent speed unlike the stationary bit over the Pennines

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sorry

        > I drive a 2009 Citroen C5

        Thinking about upgrading to a car at some point?

        >:-)

        1. stucs201

          Re: Sorry

          My first thought too when I first heard of the C5 - why would anyone name their car after Clive's electric buggy?

          1. Jean Le PHARMACIEN
            Happy

            Re: Sorry

            C5 because it's next down the model line from the C6............

            Most people are snide about Citroen models because:-

            1. They've never been in a modern one (all vintage ones are cool)

            2. They've never driven one

            3. someone in the dealership at Ford/Vauxhall/BMW/Audi/pub told them they were rubbish

            4. They don't drive 500miles on motorway in one trip

            Having driven >5 to between 125 - 200k miles each I have tested them. Thoroughly

            I moved from BMW as a daily drive as I hated paying >£1600 per annum in insurance for 5yrs+ no claims in an 1800cc petrol with round badge.

            I still own a [1987] BMW for sunny summer days. OK it's a poor man's version - 3.18i with M10 engine. Oh and it is that very same fisrt car I bought. Nice

            1. Alistair Dabbs

              Re: Sorry

              I've driven plenty of Citroens, from the classic DS to the iconic 2CV to the modern C models and Picasso. Comfy cars but the dashboard layout was designed by a lunatic.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Sorry

                > the dashboard layout was designed by a lunatic.

                A blind, dyslexic lunatic suffering from Alzheimer's.

                1. phuzz Silver badge

                  Re: Sorry

                  >> the dashboard layout was designed by a lunatic.

                  > A blind, dyslexic lunatic suffering from Alzheimer's.

                  No, just someone French. Presumably the same French designer that decided to put the controls for the electric windows in the Peugeot 206 in the middle of the car, behind the handbrake.

                  The worst thing is, after years of driving it I now automatically grope around the middle of a car when I want to open the windows.

              2. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Sorry

                But 'tis very stylist no?

              3. Someone Else Silver badge
                Coat

                @ Alistair Dabbs -- Re: Sorry

                Comfy cars but the dashboard layout was designed by a lunaticFrenchman (probably the same moron who designed the dash layout for Peugeot).

                There, Fixed it for ya!

            2. Graham Dawson Silver badge

              Re: Sorry

              And yet every citroën I have seen on the road has, without fail, had an entirely non-functional left brake light. Every single one. They may be great cars to drive, but the electrics seem to be universally shite.

              Then again I drive an old cherokee so what do I know?

            3. Dr_N

              Re: Sorry

              Even the French sneer at modern Citroens. (Old persons car: The C6 was specifically designed and marketed with a retired 80 year old president in mind.)

              Which is unfair as everyone knows it's Renault who really badly manufactures cars.

            4. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Sorry

              > Most people are snide about Citroen models because:

              6. They're half-arsed designed with low quality engineering for what until not long ago was a bit of a captive market.

              More seriously though, their main focus *is* the French market, which is vastly different from the German, Central, and Northern European markets. They respond to their market, in the same way German manufacturer's respond to theirs, so viewed in that sense, there is not much wrong with them.

              Much the same applies to BMW--they address a certain market so in a way, yes, to an extent they're designed to make you want to drive like a wanker, but properly driven there is not much wrong with them. In fact, I like their noise attenuation and smoothness of the 8 gear automatic boxes. That said, I never owned one and I wasn't too impressed with the build quality of the current 3-series (5-series is better), so I do not how reliable they are in the longer term.

              1. Terry 6 Silver badge

                Re: Sorry

                When the kids were little a Citroen Berlingo was perfect. (Peugeot are also Citroen, and do the same vehicle slightly higher specced, possibly).

                It's not flashy, far from it. It's not speedy, or smart. But absolutely perfectly functional. It does exactly what it was designed to do, and does it well. Tons of storage in any spare space. Lots of power outlets for the DVD players. Seat back tables for the kids to colour ( and eat) on.

    3. Vociferous

      Re: Sorry

      IME, nothing screams 'entitled twit' like a Porsche SUV.

      1. Cpt Blue Bear

        Re: Sorry

        "IME, nothing screams 'entitled twit' like a Porsche SUV."

        You've clearly never driven one. The old Cayenne Turbo S was ugly as a hat full of proverbials, but holy crap do they go!

        1. Marshalltown
          Pint

          Re: Sorry

          The OP *did* use the word "entitled." True story: Driving along a rural road in California. Rural roads in the Central Valley in California tend to follow Section or Quarter Section lines - a section being nominally one mile on a side. The gotcha is that since the earth's surface is curved, that neat rectilinear projection occasionally has to be as adjusted slightly so the rural road has an occasional right angled zig in it. Unlike mountain roads or some of the roads I've experienced in eastern Europe, California's rural roads, because of the tendency to follow such a nice neat grid, are deceptive to outsiders. I am tooling along at a reasonable pace when a Porsche SUV comes tearing up behind, blowing its horn, the road is two-lane, no passing, and no shoulder, so I can't pullover and let the tailgating knothead by. He doesn't like that. The double line ends. The Porsche driver hits the accelerator and blasts past waving at me with one finger. He's up to 80 MPH before long and dwindling in the distance, when suddenly I see brake lights, some swerving and then a cloud of dust. When I caught up, the Porsche was 100 yards out in a pasture trailing considerable barb wire and a few fence posts. I smiled and waved all my fingers as I negotiated the jog in the road and continued on.

          1. Alistair Dabbs

            Re: Sorry

            Unfortunately, having driven his SUV into the field, he's probably blaming *you* for the incident.

            1. Marshalltown

              Re: Sorry

              Well, yes. But I did wvae politely.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Sorry

            > When I caught up, the Porsche was 100 yards out in a pasture

            Maybe that where he was wanting to go? :-)

            Now, I never drive above the speed limit on public roads (that's what racetracks are for) but I do not particularly mind other people speeding if they do so in relative safety and without inconveniencing other users.

            On the other hand, I could never understand those who, when you're overtaking on the motorway, come right up your arse and start flashing lights and stuff. I mean, you're already doing something illegal (speeding, violating the safety distance, aggressive driving--which is an actual offence where I live) so why the fuck not just overtake on the hard shoulder or something? If you're going to be a twat, at least have the balls to be a proper one.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Sorry

          You've clearly never driven one. The old Cayenne Turbo S was ugly as a hat full of proverbials, but holy crap do they go!

          Yes, but it really, really needed that turbo to move at all. The poor man's Cayenne (aka the car people buy who can't really afford a Cayenne) was pretty much changing gears all the time to camouflage the fact that it had no oompf at all under the hood. I was seriously disappointed in that one.

  3. Haku

    Had a drive home from hell? Grab a glass of your favourite and listen to this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i6OrOZwtmA

    I'm also reminded of a joke I once read that went along the lines of:

    Kid in back of car with mum driving: "Mummy, why don't you see any fucking bastards and bloody whores on the roads like daddy does?"

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Had a drive home from hell? Grab a glass of your favourite and listen to this:

      The next time someone posts a link to some Country and Western music, could they please mark it up as Not Suitable For Ears? Thanks.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Had a drive home from hell? Grab a glass of your favourite and listen to this:

        Elwood Blues: "Er, what kind of music do you usually have here?"

  4. OzBob

    If you want real brand-name-association,

    "Audi", its german for "overpaid wanker".

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